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Old 22nd September 2013, 12:27 AM   #1
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about a married male colleague

Hi all, I am new to this forum and seeking advice about a situation that's currently happening at work. I am a 29 yr old female and have been married for over a year. I've had a very regular, casual, ''hello/goodbye'' relationship with a married man who works in the department next to mine. We would exchange random words in the staff kitchen upon running into one another but that was it.

About 6 months ago I asked him to fix my laptop (knowing he does this type of thing) he did... And I said I would buy him a coffee on my next trip to Starbucks as a thank you. He instead suggested we go get one together. So I did, not thinking much of it. Since then we have spent numerous lunch breaks together and he's now beginning to come across a bit differently. He writes me emails throughout the day sending me stuff he thinks I would enjoy... Music, jokes etc...

He's asked me if I think he's handsome, touches my back or hand often, complimented me a couple of times, and has taken interest in many of my favorite things. I don't know what has happened in the last while... I think he is good looking and I know that's normal but I'm afraid the rest probably isn't. He has a wife and child at home and we don't make plans to be alone after work hours but he has come to group outings that he never use to. I feel childish about this and just wish I knew what he is thinking.

I like his company by don't know if this is going down a dangerous path. I would just love some input as I have not discussed this with anyone. I need some help figuring out what to make of this.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd September 2013 at 2:53 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs
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Old 22nd September 2013, 8:07 AM   #2
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You're probably going to get the same answers here, given your situation, so here's a link to a married guy who posted the same problem:

Lady friend challenge

..and this is one of the better responses from that link which may apply to your case...

Quote:
Originally Posted by IfWishesWereHorses View Post
Do you lock your car at night? Do you lock your home? Learn to safe guard your marriage, if you treasure it at all. Do not,what ever you do, admit to having feelings for her. You are on the slippery slope. This is what affairs are made of.

Personally, I think it reeks that you are subjecting your wife to spending time with your soon to be (unless you change something now) affair partner. Surely she has better things to do than entertain your crush.

Keep down this road and soon you will be telling us how miserable your marriage was, how you and your wife are just roommates, that you love her but are not in love with her. These things all pretty much develop the same way. Read here long enough and you could chart this course on a hurricane tracking map with your eyes closed.

Good luck, if you value you family then lock your marriage.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 11:15 AM   #3
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Connie, you know what's going on here... Maybe some little tiny part of you asked him to fix that laptop as a way of opening a door. Then you went to have coffee with him. Now he's paying attention to you and contacting you, and there's not even a hint in what you wrote that you dislike what he's doing. And you've noticed him; you think he's good-looking. He knows what you're favorite things are because you've told him. He's even touching you and you haven't voiced any protest. You've decided you like his company. Yes, you sure are on a dangerous path.

What's more, you haven't even mentioned your husband or how things are going with him. And there's no sense I get that you think it's even slightly dishonorable of him to pursue you with a wife and child at home and knowing you're married. You have more than just wandering eyes. You're pretty much all set to go and you know it and Mr. Guy at Work knows it, too.

Time to decide what kind of person you want to be. What's wrong at home? If you don't want your husband, then leave him. Don't lie to him. Don't make a fool of him. Don't hurt him. LBlanc is completely right.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 1:54 PM   #4
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The last year with my husband has not been easy and I do love him and I'm not willing to ruin my marriage or this man's. My question really was me wondering if I'm reading too much into this. I asked him to fix the laptop because everyone I worked with said he was the person to ask. However, I did not think he would in turn ask to get coffee together. That being said, I truly thought it would be a one time deal. I don't know how to back off because I don't really think he has crossed a line. I've seen him be a bit touchy with another Coworker. I really just thought everything was within boundaries... Everyone knows him as the nicest man.. So maybe that's why I'm wondering if I'm just reading too much into it. I know I said he's attractive but I just don't see myself ever acting on it. I've put myself in the shoes of everyone involved. I don't know how to pull back without looking like I'm the crazy one . I mean, is it possible to just be friends with opposite sex at all? I know I'm not going to make any moves but I feel like i need to remove myself before he does. He just doesn't come across as that type of guy despite the flirtatious behavior. Isn't possible that's all it is? Without it having to go any further?

Last edited by ConnieB; 22nd September 2013 at 2:11 PM.. Reason: Added some more thoughts
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Old 22nd September 2013, 2:11 PM   #5
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Be honest with him. Tell him that you are a little uncomfortable with the closeness that has developed and you don't want to give the wrong impression. He may feel flattered. Practice what and how to say it before you approach. It may be a little uncomfortable for you but you'll feel better after.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 2:50 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
The last year with my husband has not been easy and I do love him and I'm not willing to ruin my marriage or this man's. My question really was me wondering if I'm reading too much into this. I asked him to fix the laptop because everyone I worked with said he was the person to ask. However, I did not think he would in turn ask to get coffee together. That being said, I truly thought it would be a one time deal. I don't know how to back off because I don't really think he has crossed a line. I've seen him be a bit touchy with another Coworker. I really just thought everything was within boundaries... Everyone knows him as the nicest man.. So maybe that's why I'm wondering if I'm just reading too much into it. I know I said he's attractive but I just don't see myself ever acting on it. I've put myself in the shoes of everyone involved. I don't know how to pull back without looking like I'm the crazy one . I mean, is it possible to just be friends with opposite sex at all? I know I'm not going to make any moves but I feel like i need to remove myself before he does. He just doesn't come across as that type of guy despite the flirtatious behavior. Isn't possible that's all it is? Without it having to go any further?

Please---pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass......

Spend a few hours reading it.

You're on the "slippery slope".

If you continue on this path, the next phrase I predict you'll be saying is,

"It just happened...."
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Old 22nd September 2013, 8:43 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
About 6 months ago I asked him to fix my laptop (knowing he does this type of thing) he did... And I said I would buy him a coffee on my next trip to Starbucks as a thank you. He instead suggested we go get one together. So I did, not thinking much of it. Since then we have spent numerous lunch breaks together and he's now beginning to come across a bit differently. He writes me emails throughout the day sending me stuff he thinks I would enjoy... Music, jokes etc…
RED FLAG! Google “warning signs of an emotional affair” (EA) and you will see that “emails throughout the day” is one of the top indicators of one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
He's asked me if I think he's handsome, touches my back or hand often, complimented me a couple of times, and has taken interest in many of my favorite things. I don't know what has happened in the last while... I think he is good looking and I know that's normal but I'm afraid the rest probably isn't.
RED FLAG! He asked you if he was handsome, and you let him know either directly or indirectly that you did find him handsome. He probed if you were interested in him, and you said yes. This is crossing the line from friendship to more than just friends. Yet another sign of an EA. Him finding excuse to touch you all the time is one of the steps followed in the process of physical seduction. By not stopping him from touching you, you are allowing the seduction process to progress. Be honest, you enjoy it when he touches you right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
I feel childish about this and just wish I knew what he is thinking.
RED FLAG! EA’s often make you feel childish as the newness of fresh romantic feelings kick in highly addictive brain drugs that you have not felt in a long time. This is why the other man (OM) is on your mind so much, and why you care too much about what he is thinking, as studies show that these drugs kick in when things such as texts get you to think about the OM. Even if you may have experienced these very same brain drugs long ago with your husband, it is normal for the brain to stop producing these drugs once the relationship develops over time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
I like his company
RED FLAG! No comment needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
The last year with my husband has not been easy.
RED FLAG! This is yet another indication of an EA. Most people do not know that they are in an EA when they are first in one. But one of the signs is when you look back on your history with your spouse and start to discover issues with your marriage that you may have been willing to overlook before the EA. No one is perfect, and you just got married 1 year ago, so there will always be normal issues as you both adjust to married life, but usually this is the honeymoon period where you both are willing to overlook many issues as you both adjust and try to make the marriage work. Your AE which began 6 months ago, began to interfere with this new marriage process, and makes you less willing to overlook things and to make these adjustments. EAs are the silent killer of many marriages because often times the person in the EA is not aware of the emotional damage it is doing to their marriages. Read “Not Just Friends” and you will see that being in an EA is emotional cheating on your spouse and that you are knowingly or unknowingly in an EA now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
I really just thought everything was within boundaries... Everyone knows him as the nicest man.
and
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
I know I'm not going to make any moves but I feel like i need to remove myself before he does. He just doesn't come across as that type of guy despite the flirtatious behavior. Isn't possible that's all it is? Without it having to go any further?
If you look on the Internet you will see that there are many articles, sites, and even manuals dedicated to telling men how to seduce married women. Typically, in one such article titled “Taking Another Man’s Woman: Part II” it tells the reader that “The way you approach an attached woman will either make or break your whole strategy. She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly.” The fact that you said that “I know I'm not going to make any moves but I feel like i need to remove myself before he does”, reveals that you know in your heart the OM's true intentions.

Last edited by Try; 22nd September 2013 at 8:53 PM..
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Old 23rd September 2013, 2:49 AM   #8
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If you don't want to be "tempted" by this guy (or tempting TO him) and thus save your marriage you need to cut "friendly" work ties with him. As in no flirty emails, no going out for coffee and dear god, why would a coworker be allowed to touch you?
Fact if the matter is, if this guy (or you) can't keep a friendship with a colleague of the opposite sex without having sexual tension, then CUT the friendship. Keep it professional. Remember, this guy is your COLLEAGUE. Not only could it ruin both of your marriages, you could lose your job and/or all respect in the workplace.
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Old 23rd September 2013, 2:55 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnieB View Post
About 6 months ago I asked him to fix my laptop (knowing he does this type of thing) he did.... He instead suggested we go get one together. So I did, not thinking much of it. ..Since then we have spent numerous lunch breaks together and he's now beginning to come across a bit differently.... He writes me emails throughout the day sending me stuff he thinks I would enjoy... Music, jokes etc...He's asked me if I think he's handsome, touches my back or hand often, complimented me a couple of times, and has taken interest in many of my favorite things...he has come to group outings that he never use to...I like his company ...
Simple question: does you husband know all of the above? Have you discussed every bit of this with him, hiding nothing?

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Old 26th September 2013, 2:26 AM   #10
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Lots of amazing advice offered here! I really can't add much, but please listen to the above posters and I pray that I won't see you in the infidelity threads.

Own your boundaries. Don't get on that slippery slope. Don't want to embarass him? Have your H run something over to work, greet him with a kiss and maybe even introduce him. So simple. I've done it before to politely tell a co-worker 'I'm Taken.'
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