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Fiancee Lied for 2.5 Years About 7-Year Age Gap


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I met my fiancee 2.5 years ago on Match.com and we've been engaged four months. In my online profile I wrote that I wanted to meet someone between two years older and seven years younger than me. She told me we were the same age. I'm now 47. When we met, I felt really connected with her. We had so many interests in common, and I thought she was very beautiful. But we encountered a lot of problems and I broke up with her twice. No cheating, abusiveness, drugs or alcohol abuse, just problems communicating and getting along - she can be extremely fractious and hard to handle sometimes and doesn't always use the best judgment. But we have worked so hard to make progress and now I can't really imagine being without her.

 

So two days ago we were in Brussels getting ready to fly home from a trip there. Long story short, the airline wants me to print our boarding passes and answer some security questions. She's downstairs having a last look around the hotel before we leave. I enter my own data and then the system wants me to confirm hers. And there it is. Birth year 1959, not 1966 as I'd thought and been told all these months and years. She comes back to our room, I confront her, she gets upset and very afraid I'll leave her.

 

She says she doesn't feel 54, that she looks and feels like 47, that she's always kept her true age a secret from everyone, that not even her daughter knows her true age, that she was thinking of telling me after our trip, and that she didn't tell me before because she was afraid she'd loose me if she did. She tells me that she loves me more than anything, that she lied in her Match.com profile because she was afraid the right man wouldn't want her if he knew how old she is, and that I'm all she has - which is somewhat true; her parents and grandparents have all passed away, she has no siblings, and her relationship with her daughter is not very good and not close.

 

I feel terrible! My stomach is all in knots! I can't sleep or relax. I can't calm down. I feel lied to and betrayed. I also feel not trusted - why couldn't she tell me? Of course, she couldn't - I never would've gone out with her if I'd known. And what about her judgment? Did she really think she could keep this a secret from me forever? What did she think would happen when I found out? But now it all makes sense! This is why she wouldn't show me her passport or let me print her boarding pass on our outbound flight. This is why she never lets me take her to the doctor, why her office and files are always tightly locked up when I go to her place, why her birthdate was blocked out with a heavy black marker when we exchanged HIV results (both negative), why she wouldn't let me come to the hospital when she had her knee surgery, and why she's always so obsessed about her looks and appearance.

 

I don't know if I can get past this. She's never lied to me before about anything else...right?...but this is just one more big problem with her that I now have to face. I gave her $50,000 to make an investment for retirement, $5,000 to pay for some difficult dental work, and total love and support this whole time and she has appreciated it but still made a lot of other choices that have created a lot of hell...she has some inner demons that don't make for an easy, tranquil future life. And now this! And what about our therapist? I thought he'd at least he'd scold her a little bit when I revealed all this yesterday, but no - he just said it's really no big deal and this will pass and she's right, age is just a number! Is he just stringing me along because I'm a good paying client who would go away if I threw in the towel and broke up with her? This whole thing feels especially galling because this whole time she's had this big thing about total honesty and revealing everything and holding nothing back, but now look what she's been doing! I JUST SIMPLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

 

Okay, this post has been way to long already. But I'd GREATLY appreciate any advice anyone out there could offer!

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Ya what bothers you the most?

 

 

If this is all she hid from you - consider yourself lucky. There are MUCH worst things to find out after you got involved with someone - trust me on that. This is nothing (the age thing). In fact if somene is going to hide something from me to get me interested - a few years age thing - espcially at your age - is nothing. Most women outlive guys anyway, and other wise you have not been able to notice a difference.

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Both bother me. Plus, I think it was a little crazy of her to think she could keep this from me. Actually, I'm impressed she managed to keep the secret so long. I'm having trouble adjusting to the idea that she's that much older than me. I think the lying bothers me a little more.

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Jim, you've answered your own question. "I never would have gone out with her if I knew her age". So she lied, went out with you, fell in love, and had this secret the whole time which didn't affect who she is or how she felt about you but she worried it would change how YOU felt about her. Does she seem old now that you know? As a woman age matters much more then men because we are pigeonholed into a stereotype. She's over 50, ancient. If this changes how you feel about her end it. If as your therapist says it doesn't matter stay with her.

 

While it may seem significant to you she never intended to hurt you. IMO if you stay with her you have shown you accept her for who she is, if you leave you prove the point of her changing her age..

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I had a bit of the same type of situation. (different because of the age gap and you both are much older than my Fiance and I.)

 

I met my Fiance online in 2009 I was 18 and he had told me he was 17 at the time. After a couple months of talking online we moved our relationship to Skype. When I added him to my Skype I noticed "92" at the end of his email address. Which would have meant I was 18 talking to a 16 year old when we first met.(If you see my concern) By this point he was 17 now and the situation wasn't as big of an issue.(we had never met in RL) But I too felt betrayed especially knowing if we had gone any further in our relationship I could have ended up in some serious trouble. In the end I realized that I had already fallen in love with this person, and as much as the situation may make you doubt them and what else they may have lied about, it doesn't change the connection you've made.

 

You really need to ask yourself if her age is enough for you to give up on everything you guys have built and gone through. Assuming that you have too fallen in love with this woman, just up and leaving isn't going to be all that easy. I don't think the age should be the issue I think her lying should be. IF that is the only thing she lied about I think it can be forgiven as you stated yourself you wouldn't have started a relationship with if you had known. If she loves you it's understandable that she would lie to keep you, doesn't make it any less wrong, but in my eyes forgivable.

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Most women lie about their age, even to themselves. I'm amazed at how many actually do this. I'm sure that when she started dating you she didn't think anything of it, it was probably something she's always done. Then, when she got to know you, she didn't know how to tell you.

 

Look at it this way, if she hadn't hidden her true age from you, you'd have never met this wonderful woman you fell in love with. Yes, lying sucks, but in this case, it may have been for the better.

 

Hehe, I wasn't even allowed to celebrate my X's birthday. No cards, no presents, no mention of it, anything. It got to the point I actually forgot when it was, nor could I remember her actual age. Women are strange about age.

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HokeyReligions

If it bothers you dukp her. But get a lawyer to try and get your money back. I'm older than her and I don't feel ancient. I feel 21. If I were dating and asked my age I would say "you don't need to know" if that wasn't good enough 'next!'

 

In your case you had to g o t o therapy to try to make it work and you have other issues too. Is it worth it to you?

 

I know myself and I know what I can't let go of and what I can. Dirty dishes in the sink doesn't bother me at all. The furniture not centered perfectly will keep me awake at night. Same with people. Hubby can lie about how much he spent on a toy because I trust him to do right by me. Do you trust this woman to do right by you?

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I'm shocked it took 2.5 years for you to find out her true age. :confused:

 

That's why I haven't been keen on online dating to be honest. Everyone seems to lie about their age, but the truth usually ends up coming out within a few months.

 

If someone has lied that long about their age, there's no telling what else they may have lied about...

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I think it IS something you should be concerned about because it shows she was dishonest and that she was capable of actively hiding something from you for a long time. This should be a serious concern to you. Now, is the age difference in and of itself a huge deal? Maybe not, but the dishonesty should be.

 

She "claims" she was going to tell you when you got back, but don't believe that for one second. There is no reason to think she was ever going to tell you until she got caught. Which she did.

 

I dated a guy for a while who told me on our first date that he had 2 boys. After dating a month and when things started to get serious, he sits me down and confesses to me that he actually has 4 children, not 2. Well, I should have taken this much more seriously than I did at the time. Who cares? He "thought I would not date him if I thought he had 4 young kids instead of 2" so he lied. The thing is that as I dated him over time I found many different ways he was willing to lie. They would be dumb, inconsequential lies but it bothered me. He just didn't seem to value the truth all that much. When I would catch him in a fib, then he would just blow it off or use humor to cover it up. Eventually I came to just not trust the guy at all and broke up with him. In hindsight, I realized he had lied to me about his AGE on his match.com ad too! I didn't even realize it at the time. He said he was 41 when he was really 46.

 

Guess what? 4 years later he is STILL 41! Amazing!

 

Personally, I think it isn't worth it to date or marry a liar.

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I've read all these responses, and thanks! Yes, HokeyReligions, I trust her to do right by me. Having been thinking about this all day - in fact, I'm thinking of nothing else - I realize I can forgive her for lying. But I just don't want to be with someone seven years older than me. Boy, it was hard to write that. It makes me so sad because it means I'd have to break up with her, and that would hurt her terribly, and I really don't want to hurt her. And now I'm remembering all the good things about her and how badly I'll feel if she's no longer here.

 

This has not been at all easy but it's been the best relationship I've ever had. Everyone that came before was pretty horrible. What am I going to do if I throw her out? Go back out THERE again? Back out on Match.com where I write 200 emails to get three dates? Back to approaching women at the bookstore and finding one I like only to hear shortly how she "values me as a friend?" Back to the single mingles and eyeing women at the gym and at work who turn out to be crazy, who say no, who I'm not really attracted to, or who really aren't attracted to me? Back to having three or four seemingly perfect dates only to find that she's suddenly dropped off the face of the earth and suddenly not returning my phone calls without even a good bye, thanks for all those dinners, nice knowin' ya? That all doesn't sound so great! I've had it with that whole scene.

 

I'm starting to hear Stephen Stills' "Love the One You're With" - what a great song! Think I'll head over to iTunes and get it... I wish I could just throw my hands up and figure 'this will all work out the way God and the universe have planned,' but the fact is that I've a decision to make and I have to make it and then deal with the consequences and be strong about it. I'm reading all these responses, every one's been appreciated, and I keep checking to see if there's more, because they are helping me sort things out!!!

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First of all, what she did was dishonest, point blank. It isn't much different than a person (man or woman) posting a photo of themselves at a significantly younger age, or in a significantly more attractive state, for the reason that they figure people wouldn't be interested in them if they didn't. It sucks that a significant chunk of people wouldn't have been interested them had they been truthful, but that's just reality. People are attracted to who they're attracted to, and it's nobody's fault. Naturally, with that situation, the fact of the lie is revealed on the first date. In your case, the truth wasn't revealed until you'd already invested 2.5 years of your feelings, time, money, etc. in being with her. That's rotten.

 

Secondly, what she lied about IS important. Until this bombshell, you and she were in the process of joining your lives together formally. Marriage, whether formal or common law, isn't JUST about love, cuddling, romance, etc. (though those things are of course very important). It's also about decidedly cold and "unromantic" things like the joining and co-accumulation of assets, retirement planning, life insurance, etc.

 

You were planning to marry her under the belief that she was the same age as you. That means that you were expecting that the two of you, barring illness or disability, would have another 18 years or so of two incomes prior to retirement to accumulate assets and savings. You were "taking a gamble", just like all couples do, that the two of you will be together for many years to come, based on a certain set of facts. Suddenly you learn that the two-income situation will be the case for seven years fewer. An actuary could no doubt give you some figures based on the

 

And fundamentally -- and I'm sorry to put it this way -- the fact of the matter is that the person you've been planning to marry is going to be around for seven fewer years than you thought, whatever their life expectancy is or their life reality turns out to be. People choose all the time to marry people who they know are significantly younger or older than them, and that's all fine. But you didn't know you were doing that.

 

The point being, I don't think this is something trivial. And I don't think you can be faulted for (a) being very disturbed by this, or (b) making whatever decision you feel you have to make about YOUR LIFE.

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HokeyReligions
I've read all these responses, and thanks! Yes, HokeyReligions, I trust her to do right by me. Having been thinking about this all day - in fact, I'm thinking of nothing else - I realize I can forgive her for lying. But I just don't want to be with someone seven years older than me. Boy, it was hard to write that. It makes me so sad because it means I'd have to break up with her, and that would hurt her terribly, and I really don't want to hurt her. And now I'm remembering all the good things about her and how badly I'll feel if she's no longer here.

 

This has not been at all easy but it's been the best relationship I've ever had. Everyone that came before was pretty horrible. What am I going to do if I throw her out? Go back out THERE again? Back out on Match.com where I write 200 emails to get three dates? Back to approaching women at the bookstore and finding one I like only to hear shortly how she "values me as a friend?" Back to the single mingles and eyeing women at the gym and at work who turn out to be crazy, who say no, who I'm not really attracted to, or who really aren't attracted to me? Back to having three or four seemingly perfect dates only to find that she's suddenly dropped off the face of the earth and suddenly not returning my phone calls without even a good bye, thanks for all those dinners, nice knowin' ya? That all doesn't sound so great! I've had it with that whole scene.

 

I'm starting to hear Stephen Stills' "Love the One You're With" - what a great song! Think I'll head over to iTunes and get it... I wish I could just throw my hands up and figure 'this will all work out the way God and the universe have planned,' but the fact is that I've a decision to make and I have to make it and then deal with the consequences and be strong about it. I'm reading all these responses, every one's been appreciated, and I keep checking to see if there's more, because they are helping me sort things out!!!

 

Use this as an opportunity to grow. Tell her you need to think about your feelings and that you will call her in two weeks. This gives you both a chance to be apart and to think. In two wweeks agree to meet and do two things. Express how you each feel. Two LISTEN to the other person. Contact each other in two days after you've had tim to think and feel about what the other said.

 

This was an exercise my husband and I did after our second child died and we almost divorced. It was surprising for both of us.

 

Be prepared. She might decide that she doesn't want to be with someone who may never accept her age. There is a breakdown of trust on both sides.

 

That's my suggestion based on my own experiences. It may not work for everyone. I wish you well.

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GorillaTheater
I've read all these responses, and thanks! Yes, HokeyReligions, I trust her to do right by me. Having been thinking about this all day - in fact, I'm thinking of nothing else - I realize I can forgive her for lying. But I just don't want to be with someone seven years older than me. Boy, it was hard to write that. It makes me so sad because it means I'd have to break up with her, and that would hurt her terribly, and I really don't want to hurt her. And now I'm remembering all the good things about her and how badly I'll feel if she's no longer here.

 

This has not been at all easy but it's been the best relationship I've ever had.

 

I'm going to go against what I percieve to be the tide here. Yes, she lied. But not about whether she was seeing anybody else, or being a hooker in her youth, or about her drug use or criminal record; she lied about her age. Why? Well, one reason could certainly be because she knew how strongly you felt about it.

 

And I don't get it. This is the same woman you've known and presumably loved for the past 2.5 years. She's the same woman, Jim.

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All of this aside - and yes, the lying would be a deal breaker fo me, but it seems it's not for you - I really don't get this male preference for a certain age. I mean, you said you wanted to meet someone 7 years YOUNGER than you. (Presumably that person would have to be okay with going out with someone 7 years older.) but no more than 2 years older?

 

I mean, it's your preference and everything, but barring a desire to still have children - I have no idea why everyone isn't happy to meet people the same number of years in either direction.

 

On a personal level, since hitting my 40s I've preferred people fairly close to my age - at 42, I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47. Why on earth do men in their late 50s approach me, when they have no interest in a woman even a few years older than they are?

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All of this aside - and yes, the lying would be a deal breaker fo me, but it seems it's not for you - I really don't get this male preference for a certain age. I mean, you said you wanted to meet someone 7 years YOUNGER than you. (Presumably that person would have to be okay with going out with someone 7 years older.) but no more than 2 years older?

 

I mean, it's your preference and everything, but barring a desire to still have children - I have no idea why everyone isn't happy to meet people the same number of years in either direction.

 

On a personal level, since hitting my 40s I've preferred people fairly close to my age - at 42, I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47. Why on earth do men in their late 50s approach me, when they have no interest in a woman even a few years older than they are?

 

 

Interesting...you pose the question "I really don't get this male preference for a certain age." and then you state a preference for a certain age..."I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47"...

 

We all have age preferences. I wouldn't want to date someone who was 80. Does that make me a bad guy? No. But wanting to date a 14yo would...keep your preferences legal, after that it's no ones business.

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I'm shocked it took 2.5 years for you to find out her true age. :confused:

 

That's why I haven't been keen on online dating to be honest. Everyone seems to lie about their age, but the truth usually ends up coming out within a few months.

 

If someone has lied that long about their age, there's no telling what else they may have lied about...

 

Lies about age can still happen if a couple does not meet online.

 

I dumped any man who lied about his age or other pertinent information when I was single. I knew I couldn't have a future with someone who could look in my face and lie.

 

I once dated this older guy. My feelings for him were friendly but unfortunately not romantic or sexual. He told me that he was in his forties.

 

One day, he read my journal and it had some negative things about him in it. This idiot became self righteous about how "dishonest" I was. :laugh:When I found out about his age, he said some s h I t about "putting things into context". My response was: "Context of what? That you are just as much a liar as you accuse me of being?"

 

I couldn't stay with someone if they deceived me for 2.5 years.

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Interesting...you pose the question "I really don't get this male preference for a certain age." and then you state a preference for a certain age..."I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47"...

 

We all have age preferences. I wouldn't want to date someone who was 80. Does that make me a bad guy? No. But wanting to date a 14yo would...keep your preferences legal, after that it's no ones business.

 

This is true. My age preferences have always been for older men; my husband is 39 and I am 31. I think that is a perfect age difference. If I was single, I would only date men between 5-10 years older than me. I don't have the patience for younger men and older guys have been far more understanding about my health problems and emotional difficulties.

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SincereOnlineGuy
why couldn't she tell me? Of course, she couldn't - I never would've gone out with her if I'd known. And what about her judgment?

 

 

And what about yours????

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Interesting...you pose the question "I really don't get this male preference for a certain age." and then you state a preference for a certain age..."I'd like to meet someone between 37 and 47"...

.

 

That should have read as "I really don't get this preference for a certain age where it's only a little older, but a lot younger". But really, the inference should have been obvious from the rest of my post - I'm not criticising HAVING a preference.

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I don't think I could forgive someone for lying like that, for that long. Esp given how sneaky she had to be for so long. It's not like she lied once and forgot about it, she was actively keeping this from you (blacking out b-days, etc) for years.

 

That being said, you said you can forgive her but her age is still an issue. Why is that? It's not like you are looking for a woman to have children with so I guess I don't see the issue with her being 7 yrs older? It's not like you are 20 and she is 27, you are both firmly in the same age-range so if you forgive her for lying then....what's wrong with her age?

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That should have read as "I really don't get this preference for a certain age where it's only a little older, but a lot younger". But really, the inference should have been obvious from the rest of my post - I'm not criticising HAVING a preference.

 

Well sure you are criticizing having a preference.

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(And this actually goes beyond initial attraction and preference. He is in a happy committed relationship of 2.5 years that he is considering ending for the sole reason that he doesn't want to be with someone 7 years older. It's not the lie that bothers him)

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Except she's not really the same woman, is she, GorillaTheatre? I just thought of this: I love to hike, be outside, and go rock climbing. Recently we were on a trip near a big forest and I wanted to go hiking through it; she didn't. Now, let's say I were right now with a woman who's 44 not 54. In five years this 44 year-old will be 49 - will she be able to go rock climbing? Probably. But, in five years, my fiancee will be 59 - will she want to go and do that? Unlikely.

 

I'm starting to get at the heart of what's scarring me. With a woman in my preferred age range, we'd have maybe 8 to 10 years to enjoy all sorts of stuff I've always looked forward to sharing with a woman. With a woman who's 54, those possibilities either go away or become what you have to admit is at least substantially limited. Yes, her personality is the same, her values and history are more or less the same. She's the same physical person but she's not the person she said she was, not the person I said clearly that I wanted. My age range was chosen because I wanted time. More time to do what I was looking forward to doing with a woman.

 

When she spent these last 2.5 years lying to me, she wasn't thinking about what I wanted, she was only thinking about what she wanted. And she knew what I wanted, didn't she. I understand - nature sucks, the lifespan is so short, it sucks that we have to age, grow old, and pass away. I only have so much time and I wanted to spend it doing certain things and now that time has been cut very much shorter than I'd planned. If I go with her, then I will never get this time back. I will never have some of those experiences I would have had with someone my own age or younger. I will never have those, now. I will miss out on them. This is what she proposes that I give up for her. I don't think it's fair that she do that. I don't think it was right for her to lie to me when she was, in fact, making me believe she's something she's not - that she'll give me things she can't give. I understand why she did it, though. SHE put us in this position. She's very attractive - isn't there some 55 year-old guy out there who could've made her happy? If you say you value honesty so highly, then don't you have to actually BE honest? I know she loves me and that I'm what she wants. But by doing this, she's taken away the possibility for me to have what I want. That is the crux of this thing.

 

She says she can already tell I'm looking at her differently, and she's right, I am. I'm sorry, I can't help it. It is the traditional way that the man be older and I'm a traditional guy. Oh, God, I see now where this is going! I hate this! I told her earlier today I thought I was going to be okay with this, which might not be true but it's what she desperately wants to hear. I told her I love her, which I do, but this doesn't change the approaching nastiness and unpleasantness of the situation. What grief this all is! I'm having dinner with her in an hour. I guess I better go and get ready. I simultaneously want to end it and not end it, I feel compelled to both leave her and stay with her. My stomach is all tight and my head is dizzy - how am I going to find a way out of this.

 

Note to all men on Match.com: look at her damn driver's license, and don't take no for an answer! I hope we're both going to be okay.

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