Found it, now what?

[1860]

I'm 59, been married twice, first time ended due to alchol-hers, 2nd marriage has been rocky for years but nothing terminal. As I approach retirement I've been concerned that my present wife, while loyal, is not my friend and probably never has been. I mention retirement because we have been interacting more because of it and things are becomeing more obvious to me. I think it's always been about sex which is important but there should be more.

 

So, this woman at work who I have known for 30 years has gone from being a cassual aquantence to a morning coffee buddy, then a friend and now I can't stand to be apart from her. We have almost everything is common, can chat about anything, jokes, serious stuff, I've never been closer to anyone, male or female. There is a certain spark between us that you cannot manufacture. She is also married and feels the same way, there has been no sex and won't be until decisions are made about our present relationships.

 

All my life I've been going about it all wrong, I started most of my relationships based on sex and expected them to grow from there. I've just discovered that I should have built the relationship first. I let the love of my life go in my twenties to "do the right thing" and marry my pregnant first wife, a college indescretion. I am so sure about this one I don't want to make a similar mistake again. At the same time, I don't hate my wife or anything, don't want to hurt her, while things were rocky in the past, they seem fine now and she is being very loving...We are just not close, it's more like we exist together, there is no real fun except for sex and even that is more physical than mental if that makes any sence. I know that having the woman from work in my life does not help but I've known for years that things we not right. To be honest, I knew it before I got married but continued because I was in my mid 30s and wanted a family, now I'm paying for it.

 

Well, that's my story, any opinions on what I should do?

 

tks,

[Philosoraptor]

Either put the effort in to get the emotional connection to your wife that you desire, or end the marriage and pursue this woman. Either way, figure out what you want to do and be honest about it.

 

If you want to fix your marriage you will have to let this other woman go and return to nothing but a professional relationship. If you want to pursue her then you and this woman should both be honest and end your relationships before beginning one together.

[Sunlight72]

I agree with the above post.

 

Your decisions on your marriage really must be independent of your relationship with your co-worker. If you end your marriage for her there is perhaps a 15% chance that your co-worker will Acutally end her marriage to be with you. When it comes down to brass tacks, divorce is a very big deal and no two people ultimately have the same criteria for that final decision.

 

For instance, if you divorce you will no longer be close to retirement. I promise you. You will lose about 65% to 70% of your assets and income (And Income) over the next 5 to 25 years to your new ex-wife and the courts/lawyers/legal process of divorce between maturely aged adults. Don't think so? Then you are kidding yourself.

 

For many people this type of dramatic life-changing result (and sentimental, and emotional ties formed over decades) will sway their decision as they more seriously picture the prospect of divorce.

 

Now, honestly, if your relationship with your wife is awful, degrading, abusive, etc. then it is a small price to pay to gain your independence.

 

But brother, I would Strongly Suggest you think very clearly about what you have chosen for yourself (in choosing your second wife with whom you are now married) and why your next choice is going to be a 300% better life decision before you go any further down that road.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited August 9, 2013 by Sunlight72

[secretlady76]

I agree with the above posts.

 

The decision on your marriage has to be based on it alone, not because you have met someone else. The other lady has given you a glimpse of what life could be like; how she makes you feel.

 

Before you jack it all in you need to see if you can re-create this within the marriage you have. You can't compare a long-term marriage with someoone who you have just started a relationship with and all the fireworks that comes with that.

 

For you to give your marriage a proper chance you need to stop whatever it is that is going on with this other lady, go NC and try 100% in your marraige. If it turns out that your marriage is not salvageable then so be it. You gave it your best shot. But whilst the other lady is in the picture there is no way you can focus on this task.

 

Will this other lady still be there waiting if your marriage doesn't work out? Who knows. I am a firm believer if that you are meant to be together then you will be together in the end. You will find eachother.

 

But don't stay in your marriage for financial reasons. That is not a good enough reason to stay. Stay because you want to, because you love your wife, because you want to be married to her. Not because you fear the financial implications if you don't.

[Sunlight72]

Yes, you are right about the reasons to stay married secretlady. I meant to illustrate that ending a marriage is a big deal to be taken seriously, and was hoping to communicate something appropriately heavy to suggest what weight the co-worker might put on the situation upon reflection (not money, but something as concrete in her world).

[1860]

Ok, it's been awhile and I've been thinking this over..

 

Last weekend took the wife away, nice time, we are getting along and all seems well-on the surface. I also talked to and distanced myself from the woaman at work and I realize that she will distract me.

 

Here it is in a nut shell, I can't fix my present marriage or re-create it because it was never really all that good and it still is not. We do not connect, we get along, have physical contact when needed, have achild together who is grown, and that's it. We do not chat, kid around much, she does not like movies, parties, socializing in general, she really does not like people and we have no friends together-none! - but I do myself. I'm lonely living with her....

 

We have separate finances, her idea, so divorse will still be bad but probably not fatal to my retirement. Money is no reason to stay anyway, but certainly a consideration.

 

Now to this other lady, it will be a couple years befor she is ready to do anything so who knows what will happen in that time. The point is, and we both agree on this, that we have taken a long time to get to know each other, we did not even have to try, put on pretences, just one day it happened, we fell for each other. Sounds corny just saying it but there is no mistake. What's next, who knows, we are trying to cool it because it does neither of our relationships much good and i told her I cannot end my marriage because of her, I need to do it for myself and then move one. She's really a cool lady and I hope we get together down the road, I honestly think it will happen.

 

Thanks for listenig

[1860]

Thanks for the response Lurker, a couple of points...

 

I'll wager that the majority of the posts here are made in the first person with plenty of Me and I's, it's only natural for someone to talk that way when describing things they see wrong in a relationship. If things were good the words us and we would be prevelant, but then they would not post here.

 

I think you are correct about it being selfish on my part, and if my wife was posting here about my faults or ending the marriage then she would be selfish as well. Anytime one partner goes and does something that only benifits them, they are being selfish and since 50% of marriages fail there are alot of selfish people running around.

 

You said you read all my selfish posts, did you see the one below? I clearly said I would not get divorsed for another woman, I have spoken with the other woman, we are cooling it off, and I stated we have no real plans-"who knows what will happen". I clearly said there has been no sex between us and there will not be as long as we are married. She is a nice enough person to realize that her kids needs come before hers so 2-3 years is needed before she can act-alot can happen in that time. We are as close as two people can be but for now that means distant friends.

 

Last weekend took the wife away, nice time, we are getting along and all seems well-on the surface. I also talked to and distanced myself from the woaman at work and I realize that she will distract me.

 

Here it is in a nut shell, I can't fix my present marriage or re-create it because it was never really all that good and it still is not. We do not connect, we get along, have physical contact when needed, have achild together who is grown, and that's it. We do not chat, kid around much, she does not like movies, parties, socializing in general, she really does not like people and we have no friends together-none! - but I do myself. I'm lonely living with her....

 

We have separate finances, her idea, so divorse will still be bad but probably not fatal to my retirement. Money is no reason to stay anyway, but certainly a consideration.

 

Now to this other lady, it will be a couple years befor she is ready to do anything so who knows what will happen in that time. The point is, and we both agree on this, that we have taken a long time to get to know each other, we did not even have to try, put on pretences, just one day it happened, we fell for each other. Sounds corny just saying it but there is no mistake. What's next, who knows, we are trying to cool it because it does neither of our relationships much good and i told her I cannot end my marriage because of her, I need to do it for myself and then move one. She's really a cool lady and I hope we get together down the road, I honestly think it will happen.

 

 

So, my marriage is in trouble, probably ending, not because she does not serve a purpose any longer, but I have my reasons. Maybe they are not up to your standards but I did not just wake up yesterday and decide to end it. I lost my copy of the instruction manual they gave use when we got marriege, the one titled How to Get a Divorse, so I'm doing the best that I can.

 

Thanks.