I Am Falling Apart

[GirlloST03]

First time writing for advice online and please bare with me. This may turn out to be longer than I expected but I have no one to talk to and feel like I have lost myself completely and heading for a breakdown.

 

I have been married for 6 months to someone I loved completely and felt connected to all levels.We dated for about a year, he proposed on my birthday, we had the most beautiful wedding and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I think even I bought into our own myth it and was so confident in our love. We loved spending time with each other, he was kind, sensitive and got me and all my quirks. I truly felt I didn't have to put a facade and when my walls were up in the beginning of the relationship, he broke them down, pursued me and made me feel so special.

 

Given we are Asians and staying with our folks and I am a little conservative when it comes to sex, we didn't have full-fledge sexual relationship. However, we had slept together before the wedding a couple of times, and whenever the opportunity arose couldn't keep our hands off each other and i felt the passion and desire. We couldn't wait to be married and start our futures together. He is 35 and I am 30, so we did get married because we wanted to be together with each other.

 

 

However, just few days post the wedding, I noticed a change in his behavior and one night he said " being married is a shock to my system" which I misheard as "being married to you is a shock to my system". Of course I was hurt but didn't say anything, but became sensitive. During the one month honeymoon, things just took a turn for the worse, he wouldn't have sex with me, would be restless at times, downright mean by saying stuff like "you are not experienced enough", "you have put on weight, after the wedding (one kg)", "you are a dead fish in bed, while I am a rockstar" . " now that I see you everyday I am less attracted to you", all on my honeymoon. Insisted I go on the pill as he didn't want to use condoms, which I did even though it didn't suit me etc. I just couldn't believe where this meanness was coming from and told him one day. He felt ashamed but it was heart-breaking for me, even though now he admits it was passive aggressive behavior from his side, as marriage wasn't something he was ready for and my smallest habits and behaviors were getting exaggerated in his head. The everyday drinking on the honeymoon wasn't helping.

 

Honestly my heart broke as this was not what I expected. And even though he apologizes for his behavior and admits he wronged me I still am deeply hurt. He later on admitted after I found a lot of porn on his website, that he was addicted to it and masturbating almost daily for the last 5 years (he was not in a relationship) before he met me and that normal intercourse has become tough. He was also drinking heavily before he met me and is a smoker. All these things have also taken a toll on him. He promised to see a therapist, which he has not, though I know he has really cut down on porn and masturbates less. But the point is our sex life still has not taken off and its frustrating me. Yes, the fighting and my hyper behavior doesn't help either. He says the issues are being addressed, but he doesn't communicate on how.

 

To top it off the last month has been tough on me as I am on bed rest because of bad back, which my GP think its because of stress as well. He has been extremely attentive and caring, but a part of me just doesn't feel loved or desired and i don't know what to do. Once we were disagreeing about something and he started saying "shut the **** up whore " and was aggressive in front of his driver. Then last Friday I planned a dinner to our favorite restaurant, put a lot of effort in getting ready (bad back and all) and throughout the dinner he was so unfocussed and distracted. When I asked him he said nothing and after 10 minutes started egging me on. He wanted to pick a fighting, started becoming louder in public and when I told him to tone down the cuss words he started saying "shut the **** up bitch" and "I will call you whatever names I will". I left the restaurant took a cab and stayed at a hotel that night. I am not use to being verbally abused especially in public. He was distraught the next day and apologized and was ashamed. Blamed it on nicotine withdrawals.

 

Post that I told him firmly I will not take any kind of abuse and if he has an issue with me or marriage I would like him to tell me and not be so aggressive about him. He epitomizes the MR NICE GUY and no one including my family would believe me that someone who use to be so nice and chilled out, can treat me like this.

 

I have also told him not to drink every night before bed (a beer or a whiskey) and cut down on smoking as he is also snores and I don't get to sleep. The doctor has also told him the same. But he does this for a week and reverts back to his old habits, which really pisses me off. I feel he is not committed to us being better or healthier and he is the same guy who will do everything possible to make his golf game better, but wont show the same commitment to help us get better. I am not saying he is an alcoholic, but drinking heavy on weekends, and a beer a day is not really helping our cause.

 

I just feel so frustrated now. I have talked to him screamed at him, reasoned with him, even written to him. The tragedy is that he agrees when he is at fault and promises he will change, but the old pattern emerges again. He is mostly sweet to me, holds my hands, kisses me etc, so we have that kind of intimacy. Involves me in household decisions and listens to me as well. However, I stillfeel hopeless now and it has certainly taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I have become irritated as an individual, usually on the edge and just cant seem to be motivated enough to get out of this funk.

 

 

I feel we are stuck and I resent him now for destroying what we had and that he continue to opt for an unhealthy lifestyle over us. My sensitive and hyper behavior isn't fair to him and the only way I know how to cope up is to become distant and put my walls up. He is a good guy, but I cant shake the feeling off he doesn't truly love me (even though he says he does) or worse desire me which is heartbreaking for a woman. I have always got a lot of attention from the opposite sex and it does something to you, when you know your own husband cant make love to you.

 

Also let me add, while he is not happy where he is career wise, he has it pretty easy. He is part of a family business and there is no stress and in fact he can also take off and play golf on a working day. I know he wants to do something independently especially since he is extremely intelligent and even an IVY leaguer. But, he should actually do something about and not just mull over his plans. I find it annoying that he can focus on sports, golf, his interests etc, but the same kind of focus or commitment isn't there when it comes to us.

Edited August 7, 2013 by GirlloST03

[GirlloST03]

Anyone who can help?

[MidwestUSA]

You are married to an alcoholic, selfish abuser. Is it too late for an annulment?

[GirlloST03]

26th Oct – 2014

 

Almost a year since I wrote this. Rereading scares me on how shattered I was and how this marriage affected me. I wish I would have just confided in my family at the beginning and even walk out at that moment. Instead of the hurt and despair festering inside me and gnawing me at slowly and steadily. What did it do? Alienate me from my family and friends. Effected my health so much that I have a back issue for most probably for the rest of my life. So stressed that I walked into a door and broke my nose, something which is again altered for the rest of my life. War wounds? Yes, that sounds dramatic, but this is what I got from putting my faith into someone. Oh and don’t forget the depression, the cherry on the cake.

 

 

 

Our things better? Is my marriage solid? Is it even a marriage? I think things are not better and I am to be believed I am as much as a guilty party as V. The anger and resentment is impeding our growth. Maybe its true, but how am I suppose to be let go off it magically? Forget the past, they say. Live in the moment. Let go off the anger about the past, that’s what they say.

 

How easy and convenient. What about the present? The ennui of the domestic/marital routine will depress even the most positive soul out there, who is a sexless and desire less marriage. Apparently that is also my fault. Since I am not creating a romantic stress free environment for him to feel “amorous”. No it doesn’t matter if he had mental and anger issues which he took out on us right after 2 days of the wedding. You were not ready for marriage, so ****ing man up, don’t ruin another life with you. Maybe next time, you can pull a runaway groom. Believe me, that would be a less selfless thing to do.

 

That **** was more important than us. No it didn’t matter if he had a porn addiction, and he rather jerk off watching Youporn than actually make an intimate connection or love to his wife on the honeymoon. Oh wait, since he is such a fantastic lover and has only been in long term relationships, how can he possibly wear a condom? So lets get you on a pill while he practices on how to put it on. I wonder if he bought some bananas to practice? So apparently, when he became porn free and had a epiphany that it’s the booze he was glugging down. You know them beers with heavy dinners doesn’t really help V Jr to work his mojo. So that itself was a process since a 5000 an hr therapist made him realize the drinking is a problem. Hell, I was doing it for free, but who likes freebies?

 

So while all this was happening, what was T suppose to do? Thank her lucky stars that the god gift she got married to (that was the word on the street,) and put on a happy smile and show softness. She should also love the perpetual 2nd to 3rd base sexual interactions and thank the heavens when a homerun was hit. A rather tepid one to be honestly. How dare she gets frustrated? How dare she gets irritated or worse angry. She is married to such a charmer who is so perfect. Cooks, is rich (well given the cash flow, that is also kind of 50/50, can talk (full marks on the marketing skills) and has a lovely family. She should be waiting in bed everyday trying to ignite the passions by being soft and nice and don’t forget happy. Anyways if she pointed out the porn, the booze and even the testosterone then that’s nagging. Now that all those issues been fought, how dare she is frustrated or tired or angry?

 

See the physical changes he has made and don’t mind. See him act like a middle aged man with no desire or passion for life and be happy. He is tired now because he actually exercise and works in his family business. Oh the horror!

 

2 years of your life gone but so what? Friends pregnant, popping kids or even planning them and what do you? Wait for the miracle that is having intercourse with your husband. Making love? Lets not kid yourself. Now that will be a modern day miracle. Oh of course for that Mr. Sensitive needs to be in a “perfect environment” so that V jr starts working again. The V jr and Sr are quite the demanding divas! Should have just married a gay guy, the diva and the sexless levels would remain the same, but hey at least I would get some great design advice!

[oldshirt]

He's a bad man.

 

 

He can't have a good marriage and you can't have a good marriage with a bad man.

 

 

You were duped by the college degree, the family business, the money and nice cars. You were duped appearances.

 

 

you were sold a bad bill of sale.

 

 

Whining and bitching won't help. Noone can change him and turn him into a good person.

 

 

All you can do is get out from under this fraud of a marriage and move on with your own life and pursue your own interests.

 

 

I am sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can get away and make a new and more fulfilling life for yourself.

[GirlloST03]

But jokes apart and the snarky comments apart as well (they made me laugh if not anyone else) I am at a real crossroads. How am I suppose to magically forget everything? Am I grieving what I lost or did I even have that? If it was real, it couldn’t have been so fragile. Why did I believe? Why did I let it encompass my being and why did I let it destroy me? What is the real reason behind me tears even now? A loss of what was real and then broken? Or the loss of a dream which never took off, as it was not based in reality? Or a loss of my strength and spirit, which was a result of feeling of being trapped. Letting go off the life which I have in the 2 years is tough as well. Why is that? Is it because of I see it as a personal failure? Is it because I don’t want my parents to suffer more? Or do I really love him and believe what he says, which is he loves me and is changing by seeing a therapist and giving up on porn and booze.

[Timshel]

Girl- I agree with oldshirt. He/she is very direct but correct. Your H is in therapy, good. Is there a reason why you are not also?

[beach]

You can't forget what happened but you can make a decision to change YOUR life knowing it isn't working.

 

Unless you want to waste a few more years of your life knowing he isn't changing anything.

 

Best to end it so YOU have a chance to be happy.

[FusionCutter]

Only you are responsible for your own happiness in this world. Sounds like you made a mistake. Maybe didn't date for long enough. In any case. Do you want to live like this?

 

If you don't like some aspect of your life, CHANGE IT. No one else will do it for you.

[Poppygoodwill]

We all stay in unhealthy situations that make us unhappy while we take the time to figure out what will tip the balance to the point that we are ready to sacrifice the dream of happiness, in order to accept the reality of unhappiness.

 

Clearly after two years, your whole relationship is in balance. The only question is: how long will it take you to reach the tipping point?

 

How long do you want it to take? Two years isn't much. Five years is a lot. Ten years...are you willing to waste that much time?

[loveboid]

I would leave. Get your money in order. Make secret plans and execute them.

 

He is the only one who can fix his behavior. And he is not going to anytime soon. You are the only one who can fix yours. The sooner the better.