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How much is a live-in housekeeper worth per annum?


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al-Sadiqah

I am the stay-at-home half of a lesbian couple. My girlfriend works and earns a pretty penny. I do the housekeeping: I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishwashing, food shopping, sweeping, mopping, dusting, weekly scrubbing out the bathrooms, etc. I am otherwise unemployed and broke. She pays for my room and board and gives me some money when I need it for transportation or medicine. If she were to pay someone to do all the housework, how much would that cost for a year's wages? I'm just curious. I'm happy with our arrangement as I'm a homebody and have disabling anxiety issues with going out to work.

 

Adding up my share of the rent and food money, plus whatever extra she gives me, she spends about $12,000 on me in a year. Is the housework I do valued at that much on the open market? I would feel really hurt if she undervalued my contribution to the household. Does it sound like we have an equitable arrangement for both partners?

 

I don't care if she is getting the better of the deal monetarily, because I love her and I don't care about money, I just want to make her happy. My only concern is I don't want to be unfairly accused of sponging off her and not contributing my fair share to the household economy. I want to give more value than I take from her, because I want to be able to hold my head up and not be made to feel guilty about finances. My psychotherapist assures me that I am contributing my fair share in the value of my housekeeping labor, but emotionally it's important to me for my girlfriend to feel that way about me and acknowledge it.

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You should look into the going pay rates in your area but yes, for all the duties and responsibilities if employed, you're being grossly underpaid.

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You should look into the going pay rates in your area but yes, for all the duties and responsibilities if employed, you're being grossly underpaid.

 

How about the lovin' and sex OP gets? That has some value as well. Some may say that is priceless.

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How about the lovin' and sex OP gets? That has some value as well. Some may say that is priceless.
Since the OP and her partner are both getting loving and sex, it nets to zero.

 

One partner is taking care of everything domestic of which her labour is quantifiable in hard currency terms. The other partner is working, taking care of the breadwinner role of which her labour is also quantifiable in hard currency terms.

 

If the latter begrudges the former where the scale is grossly tipped in favour of the latter, the former has every right to withhold sufficient domestic duties to equalize the scale to something more reasonable.

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Since the OP and her partner are both getting loving and sex, it nets to zero.

 

One partner is taking care of everything domestic of which her labour is quantifiable in hard currency terms. The other partner is working, taking care of the breadwinner role of which her labour is also quantifiable in hard currency terms.

 

If the latter begrudges the former where the scale is grossly tipped in favour of the latter, the former has every right to withhold sufficient domestic duties to equalize the scale to something more reasonable.

 

Is OP doing these chores on her own with no pressure?

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Is OP doing these chores on her own with no pressure?
Read the OP. She's looking for input about quantifiable return for labour. What she chooses to do with the information supplied, is up to her.

 

It sounds like it bothers you, that a price tag can be associated with domestic labour. From a patriarchal traditional life-partnership perspective, I can see why the thought would be threatening.

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Read the OP. She's looking for input about quantifiable return for labour. What she chooses to do with the information supplied, is up to her.

 

It sounds like it bothers you, that a price tag can be associated with domestic labour. From a patriarchal traditional life-partnership perspective, I can see why the thought would be threatening.

 

My wife stays home with the baby.

 

We never thought about quantifying the value of chores. We both do whatever we think will help the marriage. My money is her money-------marriage money, we don't think like the OP and her spouse.

 

If OP is thinking about getting paid for being a stay home spouse something must be off in the relationship.

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My wife stays home with the baby.

 

We never thought about quantifying the value of chores. We both do whatever we think will help the marriage. My money is her money-------marriage money, we don't think like the OP and her spouse.

 

If OP is thinking about getting paid for being a stay home spouse something must be off in the relationship.

Thanks for reinforcing my point. ;)
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Star Gazer

How Much Is a Live-In Housekeeper Paid? | Chron.com

 

My money is her money-------marriage money, we don't think like the OP and her spouse.

 

If OP is thinking about getting paid for being a stay home spouse something must be off in the relationship.

 

I agree, 100%.

 

If you were a stay-at-home mother, you'd be a live-in maid and a live-in nanny. Live-in maids and live-in nannies EMPLOYED by a family, get paid a pretty penny. But your reasoning, OP, you'd basically expect your partner to fork over her entire salary to you based on the "work" you do "for her."

 

Thing is, you're not doing it "for her." She's not your employer. You're doing what you do for your relationship. It benefits YOU as well.

 

Expecting more money from your partner, when you don't work outside the home for money, and wherein she's already covering all of your living expenses as well as an additional sum...

 

...is greedy, IMO.

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Star Gazer

I'm just really irritated at this line of thinking.

 

Does a stay-at-home mom expect payment for carrying the baby to term and delivering it, arguing that she should be compensated the same way a surrogate is on the open market?

 

Should a man expect payment from his wife for the yard work, painting the kids' rooms, killing insects, the way a live-in gardener, live-in handyman, and live-in pest control is on the open market?

 

I mean... sheesh.

 

You're not working. How can you expect MORE than you're already being given??

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I am confused why people think the OP is demanding money when this is what she actually said:

 

I don't care if she is getting the better of the deal monetarily, because I love her and I don't care about money, I just want to make her happy. My only concern is I don't want to be unfairly accused of sponging off her and not contributing my fair share to the household economy. I want to give more value than I take from her, because I want to be able to hold my head up and not be made to feel guilty about finances.

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Star Gazer
I am confused why people think the OP is demanding money when this is what she actually said:

 

Why are you saying "people" when I'm the only one speaking?

 

She also said:

 

I don't care if she is getting the better of the deal monetarily...

 

Combined with other comments about her partner earning a "pretty penny" and questioning what her worth is on the open market, it sounds like she's actually more annoyed at the lack of what she's being given.

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Why are you saying "people" when I'm the only one speaking?

 

But you are not the only one who has posted suggesting that the OP wants to be paid. Hence "people."

 

 

She also said:

 

Combined with other comments about her partner earning a "pretty penny" and questioning what her worth is on the open market, it sounds like she's actually more annoyed at the lack of what she's being given.

 

In your opinion, the OP is annoyed. In my opinion, the OP is actually concerned that she is maybe not contributing enough to the home and does not want to let her partner down.

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Star Gazer
In your opinion, the OP is annoyed. In my opinion, the OP is actually concerned that she is maybe not contributing enough to the home and does not want to let her partner down.

 

If she's not going to work, worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

 

Hence why I don't really think that's what she's trying to do.

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If she's not going to work, worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

 

Hence why I don't really think that's what she's trying to do.

 

And I actually think it is good that she is concerned that she is not viewed as taking advantage of her partner. She is not taking her situation for granted and she wants to maintain her self-respect. I don't see what is so wrong with that.

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al-Sadiqah

Thanks to everyone for your responses!

 

You should look into the going pay rates in your area but yes, for all the duties and responsibilities if employed, you're being grossly underpaid.

Thank you. I don't feel grossly underpaid. I'm not seeking any pay at all. All I want is to keep on living and loving with my girlfriend.

 

Depends if you are a good cook.

That I am. :) I'm proud of my culinary prowess, and my girlfriend loves my cooking. Although she blames me for making her fat.

 

How about the lovin' and sex OP gets? That has some value as well. Some may say that is priceless.

It would be seriously gross for me to think of our lovin' and sex in monetary terms. We both find our priceless fulfillment there, and it's completely separate from this topic.

 

If the latter begrudges the former where the scale is grossly tipped in favour of the latter, the former has every right to withhold sufficient domestic duties to equalize the scale to something more reasonable.

I wouldn't do that. I don't begrudge her anything. I'm deeply grateful to her because she is so good to me, and I only want to keep giving more and more.

 

Is OP doing these chores on her own with no pressure?

If I slack off, I certainly get pressure to do more. My girlfriend has very exacting standards for cleaning and sanitary conditions, so since I've been with her I've really had to up my game in those respects. We used to fight about that during the first year we lived together, but in the years since then we've gotten well adjusted to each other and we don't fight any more. Of course she and I are very gentle people, and we never even raise our voices. For us, "fights" consist of each hugging her end of the sofa and crying while talking things out. We pass the kleenex box back and forth.

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al-Sadiqah
In my opinion, the OP is actually concerned that she is maybe not contributing enough to the home and does not want to let her partner down.

Thank you! That's exactly how I feel. I'm not annoyed by this situation. I'm very grateful to her because she is so generous to me. I just don't want her to be annoyed with me for not bringing in money. I wish she would acknowledge that I am contributing my fair share to the relationship and not just freeloading. I'm always afraid I'm letting her down, and I make every effort not to.

 

If she's not going to work, worrying about it isn't going to change anything.

 

Hence why I don't really think that's what she's trying to do.

I'm sorry, I think you've majorly misunderstood what I'm trying to say. That isn't it at all. Like I said, I don't care about money. I only care about love. My concern here is to escape feeling worthless ("hold my head up") and not to be thought selfish.

 

And I actually think it is good that she is concerned that she is not viewed as taking advantage of her partner. She is not taking her situation for granted and she wants to maintain her self-respect. I don't see what is so wrong with that.

Yes! That's it exactly. Thank you for expressing it so well.

 

I have serious emotional issues around being accused of being "selfish" going back to my upbringing. I have a very intense, deep-seated need to be acknowledged by my loved ones as a worthy human being. Given that, I have a particular need for my contributions to this relationship to be acknowledged as valuable. My parents have never really approved of anything I've ever done with my life, or even the person I am. My entire family called me "selfish" when I came out as queer. (This is the common experience of many LGBT people. We're called "selfish" for being who we are instead of who they think we should be. It hurts so much!) Given that, I have a particular need for my contributions to this relationship to be acknowledged as valuable. Recently, when going through a flareup of my depression, when I expressed torment at feeling worthless and useless, my girlfriend tried to console me by praising my intellectual achievements in the world. That was nice of her, but what I really craved was for her to acknowledge that I contribute worth to her life, to our relationship. I need to find a way to explain that to her.

 

Damn, I'm crying now.

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Thanks to everyone for your responses!

 

 

Thank you. I don't feel grossly underpaid. I'm not seeking any pay at all. All I want is to keep on living and loving with my girlfriend.

 

 

That I am. :) I'm proud of my culinary prowess, and my girlfriend loves my cooking. Although she blames me for making her fat.

 

 

It would be seriously gross for me to think of our lovin' and sex in monetary terms. We both find our priceless fulfillment there, and it's completely separate from this topic.

 

 

I wouldn't do that. I don't begrudge her anything. I'm deeply grateful to her because she is so good to me, and I only want to keep giving more and more.

 

 

If I slack off, I certainly get pressure to do more. My girlfriend has very exacting standards for cleaning and sanitary conditions, so since I've been with her I've really had to up my game in those respects. We used to fight about that during the first year we lived together, but in the years since then we've gotten well adjusted to each other and we don't fight any more. Of course she and I are very gentle people, and we never even raise our voices. For us, "fights" consist of each hugging her end of the sofa and crying while talking things out. We pass the kleenex box back and forth.

 

So she is dominant and you are submissive.

 

Carry on!:cool:

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al-Sadiqah
Just wait until you're coupled up, working full time AND doing all the housework you just mentioned.

 

There are A LOT of us out there who do all this, PLUS take on 99% of the childcare and work a full time job as well.

Yeah, I have thought of that.

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