To move in together or not... the pros & cons

[Appleanche]

We live an hour apart and see each other several times per week. We get along fabulously and I love him dearly... I see myself being with him forever. We have talked about marriage and even though early on he expressed no interest in ever marrying, he is now the one to bring it up and it seems he thinks differently about it now that he has found someone he is truly in love and compatible with. I have never pushed him, and in fact myself just wanted to take it slow and let the relationship lead us.. if we decided down the road to marry, then great, but because he wasn't interested initially I just never got too wrapped up in that idea.

 

Where we're at now though is this: he wants me to move in so we can be together every night and cut out this weekly hour-long commute. I rent, he owns.. his city is far more exciting than mine and I'm ready to leave here. I wouldn't have to contribute to the mortgage but I don't expect him to pay for everything either. It would be mutually beneficial. I would love to move with him so we can live our lives together... how normal and satisfying that would feel. I do have a couple concerns though. I work here in my town. I would have to find a job closer to his house.. I would be giving up the stability here and uprooting my life. I take the risk, not him. I'd have to find another career job with benefits and retirement.

 

The other factor is my teenage son: my ex and I share custody & I am hoping to still keep the present week on/off schedule. I know he doesn't want to move schools so that would mean we drive him to school on my days with him, and as awful as that sounds, it is doable. It's 10 days per month if I really break it down. Assuming I can figure out this little hang up, I am nervous about uprooting to move in with him, and truthfully, it has a lot to do with the fact that we aren't engaged. Maybe this is the most logical next step.. moving in? Maybe this is what HE needs as the next step in our relationship, but you know that good 'ol saying about giving away the milk for free? Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.

 

So I'm trying to lay out the possible cons of moving in before marriage... aside from my fear of squashing out any push he may otherwise feel to get married, can any of you shed some insight or experience on the subject? What are they? Is being married as a cohabitating couple a smarter plan? Why?

[pink_sugar]

Statistics have shown that couples who marry before cohabitation have smaller divorce rates. I think because the focus is on making the marriage work versus bailing at the first sign of trouble. However, since this is effecting your family, I would discuss your long term plans if you were to move in.

[TigerCub]

Hey Apple,

 

Yeah, even if there was no son in the picture and he wasn't a factor, I'd still say, be very careful.

 

When you move into someone's house, are you ever really going to feel like it's yours?

Especially in this case, you're not even going to contribute towards the mortgage (but contribute in bills and such), do you think he will see you as an equal partner and that the house that he's always considered as HIS, he'd be easily willing to consider as yours too?

 

I never wanted to live in someone else's house, but when my bf and I got serious and we decided to live together, I moved into his house, because I rent and he lives in a house owned by his parents (all paid off, etc.).

I had a lot of doubts, because I knew I wouldn't really feel like it's totally mine, and before I moved in, he was making all these adjustments and doing all these things that seemed so hopeful, he gave me the impression that he just wants to make room for me in his house in his life - but once I moved in, YUP, you guessed it, he started pulling rank and he started complaining about any little change I made, he even complained about how I wanted to throw out the garbage on garbage day....

 

I never knew that my bf was apparently a controlling ******* (and we were together for 2 years by the move in), and maybe your man isn't going to be like that - so we broke up and I had to move out and sort all my crap out.

 

Honestly, I just need to strongly advise you no to move in on someone's turf (especially when you're not on the deed to the house and you're not paying towards the mortgage and then expect to be treating the place like it's yours), he may get territorial.

 

So, now considering all this and the fact that you have a son that will be greatly affected by this uprooting, please consider it really well before you do anything.

 

Why not suggest to the bf that you and he buy a house together, maybe even somewhere in the middle between your town and his?

Now that would show that you both can make compromises to be together.

 

Otherwise, what's it to him, he risks nothing, gets to play house and if it doesn't work out, it's on you and your son to make all the arrangements to move out and find something.

[pink_sugar]

I agree, I would not move in with someone who didn't see a future with me. I was engaged shortly after moving in together and I was glad that my husband had brought up his feelings on marriage fairly early on. Nothing is worse than waking up several years later to find that they have no intention of marrying you.

[AnnieB]

You have to tell him about your concerns, about your son, your job and the murky future, and that you would wanna share the future together, including a mortgage payment. Commit all the way or not at all. Ask him to marry you. And if it's a no or lets see how it goes, stay put and keep dating. This is from experience, I am dealing with something quite similar (moved in without clarifying the marriage clause)and I feel ****ty.

 

 

We live an hour apart and see each other several times per week. We get along fabulously and I love him dearly... I see myself being with him forever. We have talked about marriage and even though early on he expressed no interest in ever marrying, he is now the one to bring it up and it seems he thinks differently about it now that he has found someone he is truly in love and compatible with. I have never pushed him, and in fact myself just wanted to take it slow and let the relationship lead us.. if we decided down the road to marry, then great, but because he wasn't interested initially I just never got too wrapped up in that idea.

 

Where we're at now though is this: he wants me to move in so we can be together every night and cut out this weekly hour-long commute. I rent, he owns.. his city is far more exciting than mine and I'm ready to leave here. I wouldn't have to contribute to the mortgage but I don't expect him to pay for everything either. It would be mutually beneficial. I would love to move with him so we can live our lives together... how normal and satisfying that would feel. I do have a couple concerns though. I work here in my town. I would have to find a job closer to his house.. I would be giving up the stability here and uprooting my life. I take the risk, not him. I'd have to find another career job with benefits and retirement.

 

The other factor is my teenage son: my ex and I share custody & I am hoping to still keep the present week on/off schedule. I know he doesn't want to move schools so that would mean we drive him to school on my days with him, and as awful as that sounds, it is doable. It's 10 days per month if I really break it down. Assuming I can figure out this little hang up, I am nervous about uprooting to move in with him, and truthfully, it has a lot to do with the fact that we aren't engaged. Maybe this is the most logical next step.. moving in? Maybe this is what HE needs as the next step in our relationship, but you know that good 'ol saying about giving away the milk for free? Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.

 

So I'm trying to lay out the possible cons of moving in before marriage... aside from my fear of squashing out any push he may otherwise feel to get married, can any of you shed some insight or experience on the subject? What are they? Is being married as a cohabitating couple a smarter plan? Why?

[knitwit]

 

I never knew that my bf was apparently a controlling ******* (and we were together for 2 years by the move in), and maybe your man isn't going to be like that - so we broke up and I had to move out and sort all my crap out.

 

The above experience is why I think it is better to live together before marriage. Tiger, thankfully you found out, and thus were able to get out, before marrying and all it entails, and then a divorce.

 

That said, OP, I think there are many more cons than pros for you.

 

Your teenage son is #1. How would he feel about a 2 hour commute to/from school each day on the weeks with you? Does he do activities, sports? Will he still have time to do homework? How would he feel about moving in?

 

The risk factor is #2, as everyone is pointing out. The effect on your son really compounds the risk in my eyes.

 

Have you told him that you don't want to live with another man until you are engaged? That sounds like your boundary, based on your post.

 

I like Tiger's idea of getting a place in-between. I'd recommend renting though. Or maybe YOU rent closer to his house, but still within a reasonable commute to your job and for your son.

[TigerCub]

The above experience is why I think it is better to live together before marriage. Tiger, thankfully you found out, and thus were able to get out, before marrying and all it entails, and then a divorce.

 

Oh Lordy Yes!!

I always took living together (with marriage being discussed and such) as being a plus, but I never realized how important it is until I went through this.

 

We were serious, we were talking marriage (engagement being after ~ a year of living together), but after everything I experienced, I would NEVER want to marry him, so yeah now I strongly feel that I wont marry anyone without living with them first.

Edited June 27, 2013 by TigerCub

[Appleanche]

I can really see benefits to both sides: marrying first and then moving in together vs. living together before marriage to be sure you're compatible living under the same roof. I agree with most posters here, that I would be the one assuming all the risk. Even though I don't think this is some selfish plot of his in order to make his own life easier and to get the cow & the milk for free, I truly don't like the fact that he doesn't have to make any drastic changes... that scares me.

 

No I don't think my son will love any commute... I was hoping the benefits of living here vs my place would offset the lengthy drive to school, but that has yet to be determined because I haven't talked in depth to him about it yet. I have mentioned it a couple times just to gauge his response.. once he seemed ok with the idea and another time, not so much.

 

I don't expect my bf to come my direction or for us to buy a different house together... he's really happy living where he does (and fwiw he bought it a year or so after we started dating, he SAYS with "me in mind"). Even splitting the distance in half won't work with my current work schedule and I don't want to move to a different city.. I don't think it'd make things any easier as he would either have to give up his house to move in with me or I just end up paying rent in an unfamiliar city while my son would now have a commute.

 

The thing is, I don't really know what difference it would make if we DID get married first, at least logistically speaking. We still have this distance issue, married or not... I guess that's what I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around: how to move to the next step, and just what that next step should be.

[MissBee]

Hey Apple,

 

Yeah, even if there was no son in the picture and he wasn't a factor, I'd still say, be very careful.

 

When you move into someone's house, are you ever really going to feel like it's yours?

Especially in this case, you're not even going to contribute towards the mortgage (but contribute in bills and such), do you think he will see you as an equal partner and that the house that he's always considered as HIS, he'd be easily willing to consider as yours too?

 

I never wanted to live in someone else's house, but when my bf and I got serious and we decided to live together, I moved into his house, because I rent and he lives in a house owned by his parents (all paid off, etc.).

I had a lot of doubts, because I knew I wouldn't really feel like it's totally mine, and before I moved in, he was making all these adjustments and doing all these things that seemed so hopeful, he gave me the impression that he just wants to make room for me in his house in his life - but once I moved in, YUP, you guessed it, he started pulling rank and he started complaining about any little change I made, he even complained about how I wanted to throw out the garbage on garbage day....

 

I never knew that my bf was apparently a controlling ******* (and we were together for 2 years by the move in), and maybe your man isn't going to be like that - so we broke up and I had to move out and sort all my crap out.

 

Honestly, I just need to strongly advise you no to move in on someone's turf (especially when you're not on the deed to the house and you're not paying towards the mortgage and then expect to be treating the place like it's yours), he may get territorial.

 

So, now considering all this and the fact that you have a son that will be greatly affected by this uprooting, please consider it really well before you do anything.

 

Why not suggest to the bf that you and he buy a house together, maybe even somewhere in the middle between your town and his?

Now that would show that you both can make compromises to be together.

 

Otherwise, what's it to him, he risks nothing, gets to play house and if it doesn't work out, it's on you and your son to make all the arrangements to move out and find something.

 

I agree with you and Forum_Lurker.

 

Unless I have a serious commitment from a man, say engagement, I wouldn't feel comfortable, esp if I have a child, to move in with him into his house.

 

I would wait for a more serious commitment before uprooting my child and I'd feel more comfortable purchasing a place together that's equally "ours" versus moving into their current space.

[Pastypop]

If you want to marry this man don't move in with him. Tell him that you don't think that would set a good example for your child. I've had lots of friends with children move in with someone. Once the relationships goes bad, the guy would just up and leave. The kids were always hurt the worst as they developed relationships with these men and these men just walked out of their lives without a moment's thought.