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Working out of town during the week. Wife won't join me.


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AirplaneCoffee

Hello everyone, I'm struggling with a myriad of thoughts and emotions, and I hope I can impose on your kindness to give me some opinions and new perspectives on my situation.

 

We currently live in Paris and have been for some years now, but lately France has been a tough place to make a living. So about 6 months ago, I got offered a great job in Geneva. This job pays about double what I used to make, plus I have to pay no taxes. In addition, they offer a generous expatriation bonus which represents a 20% bump in salary to cover the expense of living abroad. The catch, is that she has to move over, as does my son (daughter is in college in the UK). The salary alone keeps us in good financial shape and more.

 

But my wife recently opened a business which even though it brings little money, is a passion of hers. She also claims that my son is much better off finishing his last 2 years of high school in Paris. We've had this discussion a few times, and she let it be known there's no way she'll move to Geneva. So I commute 2x a week and live in a place I rent in Switzerland - but that's a bit costly. I pay three rents; mine, Paris, and London for my daughter.

 

Here's the part that pissed me off. The weekend edition of the paper had a spread about London, a city she likes alot. She says, "Too bad your job is in Geneva. If it was in London, I'd move there in a heartbeat!". I asked her about the business .. and she replied "Oh, I could open the same one over there, no problem". She didn't even realize what she just said - she just kept on and on.

 

Now, I'm a bit pissed off. It looks to me like I'm a paycheck and travel agency balled up in one. She's staying in Paris because she prefers it there, not because of my son, nor some damn business. She just doesn't feel like being in Geneva and being without me all week is a small price to pay, I guess. Right now, I feel like just staying here for awhile. I'll get my sone to come up on the weekends he wants. But I fail to see why I need to struggle any more than I have to in order to support her in her lifestyle.

 

Am I losing my head here? Or is it no big deal?

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Tell her fine then as long she pay for the bills in Paris since she owns a business. You are trying to support your family. Your decision is based on what's best for the family.

 

How long has she been running the business? If it's at least 5 years she should have enough income to pay the bills if not it's time to either give it up or start a new business.

 

If she has your credit card it's time to ask for them back. The only thing you should pay for bills is for your children! She should be able to her own bills. You should mention even someone in their 20's have to pay their own bills when they make their own decions. With decisions comes responsibilities, clearly she doesn't take too much responsibilities but then why would she have to when you're the one doing it for her.

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Don't immediately draw the worst conclusion. Yes, if I were you, I would be hurt that she didn't want to make an effort to be together. Doesn't she miss you? But she also might just be low-key and not need tons of together-time. What do I know, I've never been married.

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Yes, I think you have a right to be hurt that she would rather stay in Paris without you. If she had NEEDED to for her career, that would be a different story, but from what I can gather she is a SAHM who has just recently started a side business as a sort of hobby? In that case IMO there would be no real reason she couldn't relocate with you, especially given what she said about London.

 

"She's staying in Paris because she prefers it there, not because of my son, nor some damn business" - did you tell her this? What did she say?

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HokeyReligions

Sounds like you've been together a while. It often happens that partners take each other for granted because they are so comfortable in their relationshp. I did that to my husband and it took him nearly leaving me for me to see it and it took work on both our parts to not fall into that habit again.

 

Talk with her and set some boundries and responsibilities. Tell her what you really want and what you will and will not accept. Then give her time to process that and be prepared to listen toher. You need to realign your priorities.

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AirplaneCoffee
Sounds like you've been together a while. It often happens that partners take each other for granted because they are so comfortable in their relationshp. I did that to my husband and it took him nearly leaving me for me to see it and it took work on both our parts to not fall into that habit again.

 

Talk with her and set some boundries and responsibilities. Tell her what you really want and what you will and will not accept. Then give her time to process that and be prepared to listen toher. You need to realign your priorities.

 

At this point, I don't want to force her hand to come here to be here with me. That's one of those things that only means something when it comes from the heart. It's like demanding that someone say they love you. Sure, they'll say it - but then it'll never sound real because you know it was coerced.

 

Fact is, if she said she wanted to come here to be with me after I cut off the CC cards and made her live off the business (good suggestion from another poster, btw) - I wouldn't want her here. My problem isn't primarily a financial issue; it's the way she inadvertently shed light on how she sees my role in this relationship.

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AirplaneCoffee
Tell her fine then as long she pay for the bills in Paris since she owns a business. You are trying to support your family. Your decision is based on what's best for the family.

 

How long has she been running the business? If it's at least 5 years she should have enough income to pay the bills if not it's time to either give it up or start a new business.

 

If she has your credit card it's time to ask for them back. The only thing you should pay for bills is for your children! She should be able to her own bills. You should mention even someone in their 20's have to pay their own bills when they make their own decions. With decisions comes responsibilities, clearly she doesn't take too much responsibilities but then why would she have to when you're the one doing it for her.

 

Let me put it this way, just the expat allowance alone is twice what she takes home from the business. That's not counting the savings from not paying extra rent and 2x high speed train tickets.

 

But she could open the same business in Geneva and make more money than in Paris. But why should she? I'm covering all the expenses and she doesn't even have to deal with my BS 5 days a week.

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But why should she? I'm covering all the expenses and she doesn't even have to deal with my BS 5 days a week.

 

I understand why you're upset. I think you do have a good reason to be. But I also think that you might be taking this way too personally. If your relationship has been mostly great beside this whole Geneva thing, then I think it's kind of unfair to conclude that your wife only sees you as a paycheck, based on this one thing. Have there been other instances of her behaving similarly? If she has been a good wife to you, then she doesn't deserve this low opinion you have of her.

 

You asked for new perspectives, so I tried to put myself in your wife's shoes and think about how she might perceive things. Maybe she thinks that it was your choice and yours alone to move away from the family, and you all were doing perfectly fine in Paris, so why should she have to uproot her business and her life and your son's life to move to a city she has no interest in living in? Especially since "The salary alone keeps us in good financial shape and more."

 

And we all put our foot in it sometimes and say thoughtless, insensitive things. Maybe when your wife said those things, it was more wishful thinking than serious (hypothetical) planning. It's like saying, "Hell yes, I'd love to live in Barbados. My job? Whatever, I'd just start over there." It may have been harmless fantasizing.

 

Try to give your wife the benefit of the doubt, and just talk to her about how hurtful it was for you to hear that. I would be careful about accusing her of only seeing you as a paycheck or anything like that. I can almost guarantee that would only lead to a fight, and you don't need to be fighting about this, you need to be talking about it.

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AirplaneCoffee
I understand why you're upset. I think you do have a good reason to be. But I also think that you might be taking this way too personally. If your relationship has been mostly great beside this whole Geneva thing, then I think it's kind of unfair to conclude that your wife only sees you as a paycheck, based on this one thing. Have there been other instances of her behaving similarly? If she has been a good wife to you, then she doesn't deserve this low opinion you have of her.

 

You asked for new perspectives, so I tried to put myself in your wife's shoes and think about how she might perceive things. Maybe she thinks that it was your choice and yours alone to move away from the family, and you all were doing perfectly fine in Paris, so why should she have to uproot her business and her life and your son's life to move to a city she has no interest in living in? Especially since "The salary alone keeps us in good financial shape and more."

 

And we all put our foot in it sometimes and say thoughtless, insensitive things. Maybe when your wife said those things, it was more wishful thinking than serious (hypothetical) planning. It's like saying, "Hell yes, I'd love to live in Barbados. My job? Whatever, I'd just start over there." It may have been harmless fantasizing.

 

Try to give your wife the benefit of the doubt, and just talk to her about how hurtful it was for you to hear that. I would be careful about accusing her of only seeing you as a paycheck or anything like that. I can almost guarantee that would only lead to a fight, and you don't need to be fighting about this, you need to be talking about it.

Good points. As for the choice to come here - that was definitely a joint decision which she was very much in favor of. Our expenses are high in Paris with private schools for the kids, high rents, high taxes, etc. Granted, I didn't assume nor bring up the idea of her coming over as well at the time. I figured the commute would be ok enough - but then again, I didn't know better.

 

I guess I'm pissed off because I don't see any of my expat colleagues having to have this discussion with their wives. They miss each other and the wives would never dream of staying back. I mean, it's not like I'm asking her to move to Liberia with me; this is Switzerland. Geneva no less.

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As for the choice to come here - that was definitely a joint decision which she was very much in favor of. Our expenses are high in Paris with private schools for the kids, high rents, high taxes, etc. Granted, I didn't assume nor bring up the idea of her coming over as well at the time. I figured the commute would be ok enough - but then again, I didn't know better.

 

Ah, okay. So you both made a joint decision that you would take the job and she and your son would stay in Paris and you would commute. You thought you would be okay with this. As it turns out, it's not really working out for you. That's fine, it's okay to change your mind. You can't expect her to change her mind just because you did, though. You have to talk to her about this.

 

 

I guess I'm pissed off because I don't see any of my expat colleagues having to have this discussion with their wives.
Look, sorry to be a dick, but who cares about what your colleagues are doing with their personal lives? Comparing your relationship to theirs seems juvenile and petty. You're an adult. Focus on your own life.
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Let me put it this way, just the expat allowance alone is twice what she takes home from the business. That's not counting the savings from not paying extra rent and 2x high speed train tickets.

 

But she could open the same business in Geneva and make more money than in Paris. But why should she? I'm covering all the expenses and she doesn't even have to deal with my BS 5 days a week.

 

Oh no! I think you provided your own answer.

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Have you given any thought whatsoever to the 3 suggestions by 3 different people to talk to her about your feelings in this, OP?

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AirplaneCoffee
Have you given any thought whatsoever to the 3 suggestions by 3 different people to talk to her about your feelings in this, OP?

Of course, I did. I mentioned it already. But we did discuss it several times and each time she gave me the excuse about her business and my son.

 

I don't see the point of telling her that it bothers me that she'd rather stay in Paris than come with me. All that'll do is maybe make her feel guilty at best. That's the last reason I want her to come over. I'll tell her when she asks why I'm separating our interests, though.

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I don't see the point of telling her that it bothers me that she'd rather stay in Paris than come with me. All that'll do is maybe make her feel guilty at best. That's the last reason I want her to come over. I'll tell her when she asks why I'm separating our interests, though.

 

Would you prefer to divorce rather than tell her what is really bothering you?

 

It sounds like there is more to it than this one issue :confused:

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With all fairness what people don't realise on this thread is that Switzerland is one of the most booooooooooring countries on earth. A move there from Paris?....

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AirplaneCoffee
Would you prefer to divorce rather than tell her what is really bothering you?

 

It sounds like there is more to it than this one issue :confused:

 

Of course not. But right or wrong she feels how she feels. And it looks pretty clear to me that she prefers living in Paris rather than being with me - even if it means that this option costs us alot of money.

 

Look, of she would rather we stay separated so she can live where she wants, then that's her right to make that decision. I just don't see why I need to be on the hook for that.

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AirplaneCoffee
With all fairness what people don't realise on this thread is that Switzerland is one of the most booooooooooring countries on earth. A move there from Paris?....
That's very debatable. I actually have spent some time here and life is very good in Switzerland. There's plenty to do here.

 

But that's besides the point ..

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That's very debatable. I actually have spent some time here and life is very good in Switzerland. There's plenty to do here.

 

But that's besides the point ..

Not for your wife it isn't. It is for you but not your wife. Money is not everything and Switzerland has nothing on France

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In your planning and discussions, how much opposition have you expressed about her remaining in Paris?

 

Putting myself in her shoes, she is there for the boy. He's finishing school. And thus far, my husband has or has not expressed any strong opposition to that?

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AirplaneCoffee
In your planning and discussions, how much opposition have you expressed about her remaining in Paris?

 

Putting myself in her shoes, she is there for the boy. He's finishing school. And thus far, my husband has or has not expressed any strong opposition to that?

I guess I bought that argument until she expressed a willingness to move to London .. because she likes it there.
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AirplaneCoffee
Not for your wife it isn't. It is for you but not your wife. Money is not everything and Switzerland has nothing on France
Ok great - then she should go ahead and stay there. I won't force her to come over.
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I guess I bought that argument until she expressed a willingness to move to London .. because she likes it there.

 

So is the answer that you have never expressed opposition?

 

It would be extremely passive aggressive to punish her for her choice after never expressing your honest feelings during the decision making process.

 

Most likely her reasons are complex, and she thinks you are ok with the situation. Most likely she wouldn't move to London either without majorly considering your sons school situation. It was just wishful thinking.

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AirplaneCoffee
So is the answer that you have never expressed opposition?

 

It would be extremely passive aggressive to punish her for her choice after never expressing your honest feelings during the decision making process.

 

Most likely her reasons are complex, and she thinks you are ok with the situation. Most likely she wouldn't move to London either without majorly considering your sons school situation. It was just wishful thinking.

We did discuss her coming to Geneva, of course. Her arguments for staying in Paris were:

 

1) She doesn't like Geneva

2) She has her business in Paris

3) Son has only 2 more years of school left

 

I never really considered any of those arguments to be valid from the get go, but I conceded the point nonetheless.

 

Now that we're doing this, I realize that reason #1 is her choice, but she needs to own that choice. #2 & #3 I now am pretty sure are excuses.

 

Bottom line is: she could come live with me now if now if she wanted to. Fact is: she doesn't want to. Period. But she doesn't mind me spending all week there and paying for everything to maintain her own separate life in Paris. Hey, who can blame her?

 

I see no reason really for her not to come over except that she prefers Paris. Hey, so do I, but here I am. She wants to continue living separately, then we may as well make it official.

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I don't see the point of telling her that it bothers me that she'd rather stay in Paris than come with me. All that'll do is maybe make her feel guilty at best. That's the last reason I want her to come over. I'll tell her when she asks why I'm separating our interests, though.

 

But the bolded IS the main point in this entire issue, the point that is most pertinent.

 

So... you'd rather just let it get to the point of a divorce, rather than talking to her about it? :confused: There is no possible way a person can change without knowing that what they are doing is hurting their partner.

 

Think about this. What if a woman says, "Ugh, I wish my husband would give me more emotional affection. It's getting to the point where I think he doesn't give a damn about me and I'm thinking of calling my lawyers. Talk to him? Oh, but I don't want him to feel guilty and start giving me affection out of guilt. That's the last reason I want it. I'll tell him when my lawyer calls, though."

 

I mean, can you SEE how warped that is? Yes, of course, it's preferable if they were to do it off their own steam. But nobody can read your mind. She might even think that whether she comes or not doesn't matter to you, since you'd initially accepted the offer without telling her you'd like her to come with you.

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AirplaneCoffee
.. since you'd initially accepted the offer without telling her you'd like her to come with you.

 

That is simply not true. I don't know what I said that would lead anyone to think that. I asked her MULTIPLE times until it almost became a joke.

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