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Defining Commitment-What is commitment to you?


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youngnlove89

For those of you who have followed my threads you may know that I have gotten back together with the very same man who couldn't commit to me as boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, he did commit to me in the sense that we were monogamous and loyal to each other, but was afraid of putting a title on it because titles make him nervous and he always thinks that the relationship will become worse when there are expectations. And he has a good point.

 

His friend recently got divorced. Together for 20 years. But stuck around because marriage was supposed to be like that. You suck it up, you stay, you made a commitment together, you can't break that. But are you really happy with that person you dedicated your life too? You tell yourself you are, because you made a vow "until death do us part", didn't you? But the cold reality is his friend stopped loving his wife years ago, but stayed because he felt obligated. I can't help but think that is awful.

 

There are many instances that go like this. My parents marriage also. They stayed for me. Until my dad got so tired of routine that he cheated on my mom. He told me he stopped loving her that way a long time ago. But marriage kept them together. Even if they weren't happy.

 

I think that society has taught us that if you don't put a label on a relationship, it loses it's meaning. But I've come to learn that if you are happy with your partner and you can trust them then that it is more important than having a label. If you can look at your partner and say that you love your best friend and you wouldn't want it with anyone else, isn't that enough of a commitment?

 

For instance, I know people who are married and aren't happy together. But since they are married, they should be happy together, right? We create that vision that they are. That's the whole reason they got married, isn't it? So when did it stop? When did they stop loving each other and keeping the spark alive?

 

On the other hand, I know people who aren't married and are completely happy and have the greatest relationship with their best friend. They are dedicated and loyal to each other and are knowingly in love. BUT society has taught them that if you don't put a label on a relationship or get married, then you aren't committed to each other. And they must not really love you.

 

So what happens in the second situation? Fear reeks havoc. You start to wonder and obsess about the value of your relationship. Rather than just enjoying the companionship and loyalty of your partner, you lose yourself to these expectations that in order to have a successful relationship, you must have a title, you must eventually become married. Or else you are doomed. They don't love you if they don't believe in marriage or titles.

 

I've also know people who were great together, then got married and lost that spark after marriage. As if there were nothing else to shoot for, the road had come to an end. The excitement of engagement and planning a wedding and getting married and having kids is over now. What's next? People become bored and they forget to maintain that excitement. They lose the spark and then some cheat or eventually clock out emotionally and ask for a divorce. Because they forgot WHY they got married.

 

I feel like some people get married for the idea of it. Because in movies that's what people do. They get married when they love someone.

 

Right now I am fearful. And I don't know why.

 

My relationship has immensely grown. It really has, and sure some might claim it is only a matter of time. But you are your own judge. He has turned a corner and we have met half way. I can SEE his love. I can FEEL it. He is opening up to me. He is inviting me out with his friends now. Taking me on trips. Caring for me. Showing me his affection. Giving me more. We laugh. We flirt. We have fun together. He is my best friend. What more could I ask for? I am entirely happy. And I can see he is too.

 

But I can't grasp this whole commitment thing. This union of spending a life together forever and signing a paper to confirm that. To make it permanent. It's so SCARY. It seems so final. I'm scared of that kind of commitment. I'm scared of ruining what we have. Marriage seems to be so unsuccessful for people who were so happy before marriage. Is it true that marriage ruins that spark?

 

So I conclude this thread with a question of do you have to get married, or do you have to have a title in order to have a successful committed relationship that will last forever?

 

What do you guys think? I'd love to hear opinions! :)

Edited by youngnlove89
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Nobody HAS to get married. There are couples who stay together for years and never marry.

 

All relationships have some sort of expectation or what would be the point of being in a relationship if the two partners expected nothing of each other?

 

If your boyfriend can't even handle being called just that, he is not ready for a commitment. Being afraid of marriage is another sign that you just aren't ready for it and that is okay.

 

I have been with my husband for six years, married for three of those years. Marriage has deepened our love and added so much security to it. It will be easy for us to keep the spark since we will not have children to take our time away from each other.

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