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Does Marriage Ruin Sex?


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Great, thought-provoking article in the current Psychology Today about sex in general and marital sex in particular. I thought the following was especially well-written given the volume of "no sex" posts in the marriage forum:

 

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A gradual decline in the intensity and frequency of sex between a married couple is an inevitable fact of biological life, and as such, evidence of deep normality—although the sex-therapy industry has focused most of its efforts on assuring us that marriage should be enlivened by constant desire.

 

Most innocently, the paucity of sex within established relationships has to do with the difficulty of shifting registers between the everyday and the erotic. The qualities demanded of us when we have sex stand in sharp opposition to those we employ in conducting the majority of our other, daily activities. Marriage tends to involve—if not immediately, then within a few years—the running of a household and the raising of children, tasks that often feel akin to the administration of a small business and call on many of the same skills.

 

Sex, with its contrary emphases on expansiveness, imagination, playfulness, and a loss of control, must by its very nature interrupt this routine of regulation and self-restraint. We avoid sex not because it isn't fun but because its pleasures erode our subsequent capacity to endure the strenuous demands that our domestic arrangements place on us.

 

Sex also has a way of altering and unbalancing our relationship with our household co-manager. Its initiation requires one partner or the other to become vulnerable by revealing what may feel like humiliating sexual needs. We must shift from debating what sort of household appliance to acquire to making the more challenging request, for example, that our spouse should turn over and take on the attitude of a submissive nurse or put on a pair of boots and start calling us names.

 

The satisfaction of our needs may force us to ask for things that are, from a distance, open to being judged both ridiculous and contemptible so that we may prefer, in the end, not to entrust them to someone on whom we must rely for so much else in the course of our ordinary upstanding life. We may in fact find it easier to put on a rubber mask or pretend to be a predatory, incestuous relative with someone we're not also going to have to eat breakfast with for the next three decades.

 

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Thanks to the author Alain de Botton. Thoughts :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Nothing that hasn't been said before. It's all something we all know already.

 

He's just "talking' purdier than a $10.00 whore..." ('Blazing Saddles'.....)

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The article discusses far more than you've evidenced, in the opening post:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201212/12-rude-revelations-about-sex?page=3

 

Don't forget this little gem.

 

Why is adultery overrated?

 

Contrary to all public verdicts on adultery, the lack of any wish whatsoever to stray is irrational and against nature, a heedless disregard for the fleshly reality of our bodies, a denial of the power wielded over our more rational selves by such erotic triggers as high-heeled shoes and crisp shirts, by smooth thighs and muscular calves.

 

But a spouse who gets angry at having been betrayed is evading a basic, tragic truth: No one can be everything to another person. The real fault lies in the ethos of modern marriage, with its insane ambitions and its insistence that our most pressing needs might be solved with the help of only one other person.

 

If seeing marriage as the perfect answer to all our hopes for love, sex, and family is naive and misguided, so too is believing that adultery can be an effective antidote to the disappointments of marriage. It is impossible to sleep with someone outside of marriage and not spoil the things we care about inside it. There is no answer to the tensions of marriage.

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Well, it sure doesn't do it any favors!

 

People get so comfortable in their M's, they start taking their S for granted, they get lazy. I continue to be amazed at the number of people who think they don't have to "try" anymore once they get married, simply because they're out of the dating market. Then they're so shocked years later when their S cheats on them. Hello??? You're still married to a sexual being, whether you recognize it or not.

 

Sex requires a lot of EFFORT. It feels effortless at first because of the newness / exploratory phase. But once you know all there is to know about your partner, what undiscovered country is there left to explore? The enthusiasm just isn't there anymore.

 

Familiarity breeds contempt.

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Sex, with its contrary emphases on expansiveness, imagination, playfulness, and a loss of control, must by its very nature interrupt this routine of regulation and self-restraint. We avoid sex not because it isn't fun but because its pleasures erode our subsequent capacity to endure the strenuous demands that our domestic arrangements place on us.

 

Maybe that's why my H and I continue to have very regular sex. We both seem to need the playful loss of control that sex provides in order to deal with the strenuous demands that our domestic arrangements place on us. I've always said that work is hard, managing a home is hard, and raising kids is hard--and my relationship with my spouse is an escape from all of that!

 

We also don't seem to struggle with any feelings of being vulnerable to each other, so there is little awkwardness to discourage sexuality.

 

All that to say that, ime, marriage has not ruined sex.

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Marriage does not have to ruin sex. However, most couples will experience a decrease in romance and lovemaking, as the understandable pressures of marriage challenge their bonds. Spending many years together as well as raising children can certainly put a damper on sexual satisfaction.

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Weight gain would kill sex for me, I understand as we age we don't look the same (and yes i get older as well)

 

But when I see some of my friends wives get so fat, no wonder they not having sex.

 

Luckily my wife is a MILF, and keeps in great shape, we both are into fitness helath nutrition and keep up with appearance (some people as soon as the ring is on the finger, they stop trying to look their best for some reason)

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The article discusses far more than you've evidenced, in the opening post:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201212/12-rude-revelations-about-sex?page=3

 

Don't forget this little gem.

Agreed, there were several interesting parts. One recurring theme was the unrealistic expectations people put on marriage today. Insanely hard to be everything to someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Nope, not marriage, not familiarity... it's lack of effort that does.

 

Ooh, that's very true.

 

But what contributes to the lack of effort in the first place? Boredom? What contributes to that? Familiarity? A change in one or both of the partners involved?

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Ooh, that's very true.

 

But what contributes to the lack of effort in the first place? Boredom? What contributes to that? Familiarity? A change in one or both of the partners involved?

 

In many cases, it's resentment.

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BetheButterfly

I think it depends on the individuals in the marriage and how they cope with life's difficulties as well as their own desires.

 

One can even suggest that life can "ruin" sex. Life does not only include marriage. For example, people who have a hard time attracting another person for a relationship can feel that their sex lives are ruined/not good. In the same way, people who committed to each other can find themselves unsatisfied with their sex life with the other person too.

 

Sex between 2 people in specific (whether they are married or not) can be "ruined" in many ways: selfishness, apathy, stress, exhaustion, anger, hatred, bitterness, abuse, lust for someone else, diseases, and so on. These issues are not only found in marriages but also found in other sexual relationships, such as friends with benefits, dating, and casual sex. For many people, the sex between 2 specific people is "ruined" by something eventually, and then they seek new sex partners.

 

Marriage is not immune to this, which is why it is so important to protect one's marriage with one's spouse. For most marriages, sex and commitment are the main defining areas that separates marriages from other kinds of relationships. It is very important then to keep sex between one and one's spouse alive and strong.

 

Love is the main way in my opinion to help keep sex between the specific people in the marriage strong. :love: Interestingly, the article didn't write about love. It is sad when love is ripped away from sex. Personally, I would not want to be married to my husband (or anybody) if I didn't love him. Love is a part of what makes sex so AWESOME to me. Love is action, not merely a feeling. Love needs to be

 

Another way of keeping sex strong between a married couple is for them to strive to care for their health. Sadly, many people tend to "let themselves go" which I believe is detrimental to many couples' sex lives (though not all).

 

Playfulness, kindness, a sense of humor, having fun together, and so on are other ways to protect/preserve one's sex life with one's sex partner (whether married or not).

 

So, I think making a general statement like "marriage ruins sex" is not addressing the issues that people face, no matter if they are married or not, when having a sexual relationship with another person. Sexual relationships between 2 people in specific die (or are ruined) everyday because of many different reasons, and that includes both in marriage and not in marriage.

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CarboniteCammy

Actually, my husband and I still have a pretty fun sex life. It's not marriage that "ruined" it- it's the baby LOL

 

Imagine- getting it on, everything's going great when through the moniter, "Da da da mmmmmaaaa...." "Ahhhhh....." "WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

 

"sigh"

 

"your turn or mine?"

 

"I'll get him. Poor little sweet fuss. He's prolly hungry!"

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BetheButterfly
Actually, my husband and I still have a pretty fun sex life. It's not marriage that "ruined" it- it's the baby LOL

 

Imagine- getting it on, everything's going great when through the moniter, "Da da da mmmmmaaaa...." "Ahhhhh....." "WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

 

"sigh"

 

"your turn or mine?"

 

"I'll get him. Poor little sweet fuss. He's prolly hungry!"

 

Awww:love: Yeah that's totally understandable!!!

 

I have a question that maybe is heartless :( Is it ok to finish having sex before getting the baby? Just finish quicker, like having "quicky sex"?

 

My husband and I don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon and I don't believe in leaving a baby to cry, but does it hurt the baby to not have a parent come immediately to get her/him when he/she starts crying?

 

Is it selfish for parents to have sex and finish quickly before going to get the baby? I feel so heartless and selfish asking this. :(

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BetheButterfly
Well, it sure doesn't do it any favors!

 

People get so comfortable in their M's, they start taking their S for granted, they get lazy. I continue to be amazed at the number of people who think they don't have to "try" anymore once they get married, simply because they're out of the dating market. Then they're so shocked years later when their S cheats on them. Hello??? You're still married to a sexual being, whether you recognize it or not.

 

Sex requires a lot of EFFORT. It feels effortless at first because of the newness / exploratory phase. But once you know all there is to know about your partner, what undiscovered country is there left to explore? The enthusiasm just isn't there anymore.

 

Familiarity breeds contempt.

 

Very good points. I think this is important for couples who are recently married (like my husband and me) to learn. I don't ever want to get lazy in our relationship and take our commitment for granted, and let sex become stale or "ruined" between us.

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CarboniteCammy

hahah! Even with all the responsibility, being a mom is the best. :love: Wouldn't trade my little ginger boy for the world. :love:

 

I guess for me...there is no bigger turn off then hearing my son scream, so I can't really finish if he's upset.

 

I can't explain it; it's just not a sound I can sleep through, or otherwise ignore. As soon as I hear the fuss, something deep within my brian just immediately moves to action and before I know it I'm in his room picking him up to find out what the issue is.

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BetheButterfly
hahah! Even with all the responsibility, being a mom is the best. :love: Wouldn't trade my little ginger boy for the world. :love:

 

I guess for me...there is no bigger turn off then hearing my son scream, so I can't really finish if he's upset.

 

I can't explain it; it's just not a sound I can sleep through, or otherwise ignore. As soon as I hear the fuss, something deep within my brain just immediately moves to action and before I know it I'm in his room picking him up to find out what the issue is.

 

I wish I could say I understand but I can't fully understand that yet since I have never been in that situation. :) It's very possible though that once I'm a Mom, I will understand completely!!!

 

Thanks for answering my question and I think you're an AWESOME MOM!!! :love::bunny:

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Love is the main way in my opinion to help keep sex between the specific people in the marriage strong. :love: Interestingly, the article didn't write about love. It is sad when love is ripped away from sex. Personally, I would not want to be married to my husband (or anybody) if I didn't love him. Love is a part of what makes sex so AWESOME to me. Love is action, not merely a feeling.

Agree with what you say. But one of the main issues as pointed out in the article is that, as time passes and children, mortgages and life happen, love becomes commitment, commitment becomes obligation, obligations becomes routine and routine is the enemy of the "playfulness and a loss of control" that is important to the health of a long-term sexual relationship.

 

Perhaps, just like the partners in an S&M relationship have a "safe" word, married couples should have the same thing. And when either partner sounds the alarm and uses the term, they're both required to drop what they're doing, call the sitter and head off to a "date night" weekend. Might be less LS traffic were this to occur...

 

Mr. Lucky

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CarboniteCammy

;-) Well...I'm a new mom so I don't quite have the parenting thing down yet. But, I try really hard.

 

I'm also very lucky because my son is a *very* tolerant and laid back little dude PLUS he sleeps through the night about 90% of the time, so when he does cry I know there's some kind of issue.

 

My husband also helps me out and we try to work together to solve problems.

 

I will say that one thing I never thought I'd have to do, but do, is schedule time for sex. My husband jokes about it, but in order to keep the house the way we want it and be able to eat in pretty much every night to keep costs down, we have to make a chore list and a sex schedule to make sure that all needs are being met.

 

I'm actually pretty embarrased to admit that, but hey, whatever works and makes things smooth.

 

edit: You *do* have to make sex a priority intellectually sometimes. Being a new parent, sometimes the knowledge that you need to have that joining of body and soul is different then actually physically having the desire. Facing facts, I work full time. I have a baby. I have the dogs. I have a husband. etc etc. Always something to do.

 

Sometimes, I do have to be reminded that I have needs too!!!!!

Edited by CarboniteCammy
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BetheButterfly
love becomes commitment, commitment becomes obligation,.

 

Commitment, Love, and sexual desire start out together in most modern marriages, but yeah I understand how it can seem that after awhile, the love and/or sexual desires for the person with whom one is committed can fade/wither/die yet one can continue to commit to the person. Yeah that makes sense of commitment becoming obligation/duty/responsibility only to do because one "has to" or is a person of their word.

 

obligations becomes routine and routine is the enemy of the "playfulness and a loss of control" that is important to the health of a long-term sexual relationship

Understood. Yeah that's very important to know and guard against in order to protect sex in marriage.

Perhaps, just like the partners in an S&M relationship have a "safe" word, married couples should have the same thing. And when either partner sounds the alarm and uses the term, they're both required to drop what they're doing, call the sitter and head off to a "date night" weekend. Might be less LS traffic were this to occur...

 

Mr. Lucky

Awesome advice!!! I will talk to my hubby about that later! :) We have only been married less than 2 years, but I sure don't want our sex lives together to be ruined in the future!!!
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Too lazy for sex is like saying too lazy to eat.

 

I think the bigger problem is that they lose their appetite for the dish.

 

I don't like broccoli, I have no desire, or appetite for it (okay maybe with a ton cheddar cheese).... but I know it brings other benefits to me when I eat it. .....So I eat it.

 

What does "I don't feel like it" have to do with a healthy life or a healthy marriage.

 

Get in there and eat it for 15 mins!:laugh:

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Weight gain would kill sex for me, I understand as we age we don't look the same (and yes i get older as well)

 

But when I see some of my friends wives get so fat, no wonder they not having sex.

 

Luckily my wife is a MILF, and keeps in great shape, we both are into fitness helath nutrition and keep up with appearance (some people as soon as the ring is on the finger, they stop trying to look their best for some reason)

 

I can understand this - but on the other side - are how people see the selfs. Often in the marriage the weight gain (particular in the woman) affects her self esteem, and she withdrawls from sex. It happened with my brother and his wife and now plays a role in my own marriage sex issues

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worldgonewrong

Communication - not just foreplay - is the great catalyst toward consistent marital sex.

When basic day-to-day communication shrivels, it's not surprising that sex does too.

It's got nothing to do with being married per se, but rather with how much you keep the bond going between the two parties.

I've seen non-married couples suffer from this; it's all communication-based.

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I don't like broccoli, I have no desire, or appetite for it (okay maybe with a ton cheddar cheese).... but I know it brings other benefits to me when I eat it. .....So I eat it.

 

What does "I don't feel like it" have to do with a healthy life or a healthy marriage.

 

Get in there and eat it for 15 mins!:laugh:

 

But you probably wouldn't marry broccoli....right?

 

Does that make any sense at all? :laugh:

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