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Boyfriend back in touch with female friend who caused us problems


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I'm going to try to cut a long story as short as I can.

 

At the beginning of 2011, my boyfriend went on an overseas holiday with his mate and his sister. Whilst there, they made a couple of new friends, including a female.

 

It was clear that my boyfriend thought very highly of this girl to the point where it was it appeared that he had a massive crush on her. I kind of ignored it for a while.

 

In mid-2011, a group of us went on a weekend away. She was there and his behavior towards me was disrespectful whenever she was around. He basically treated me like I wasn't his girlfriend. His mate even said the same thing. That same weekend, in a state of pure drunken stupor, he called me her name when we were in bed. Naturally, I was devastated and it caused a huge problem in our relationship. I was ready to break up with him, but he didn't want to.

 

At the end of 2011, he drove a couple of hours away with two other friends (including his sister) to visit her for her birthday. They all took her out and stayed overnight. He never told me about this weekend. It was my gut feeling that drove me to call his bluff and he admitted it. Again, this caused HUGE problems in our relationship. I told him our relationship was on the line and that I could not be with someone who hides things from me. He made an excuse that he didn't tell me because he knew how I'd react and that he was conflicted about whether he should see her for her birthday anyway. I told him that his excuse was a load of BS and that the reason he hid it from me is because he knew he was doing the wrong thing. Furthermore, I told him that if he was as conflicted as he said he was, that alone should have told him he should do what's right for our relationship. So yeah... I never believed that he was conflicted at all. Not to mention, I was furious that he dragged his sister, who I get along very well with, into it. I told him that if I ever find out that he's lied to me or hidden stuff from me again, he can consider our relationship over.

 

Anyway, things have been going very well for about the last year. We've moved in together, we've been talking about having kids, we've opened a joint bank account and are looking at buying a house in the next year or so. He's very affectionate, always tells me he loves me etc.

 

Now here's where it feels like it's all gone to poo for me again:

 

3 weeks ago, he went to a friend's place for a party. I didn't feel like going. I find out by accident last weekend (through his sister who mentioned it in passing conversation) that this girl was at the party. He never mentioned this to me. In fact, he never mentioned anything about the party at all. Probably because I got cranky with him the day he was meant to come home as he was still drunk at 4pm when he was meant to drive 3 hours home later that night. He's a binge drinker and he knows I don't like it.

 

For the last week or so, I've had this gut feeling that he's been in contact with her. So I did a really crappy this morning and had a look at the messages in his phone. I know it wasn't right, but my suspicions were confirmed. He sent her a text last Friday saying that he's "realized the error of his ways, he's been a crap mate to her... he'd like to catch up with her more often... he misses her ass all the time."

 

This doesn't bode well for me because (a) he told me at Christmas (with his mutual friend there) that he doesn't speak to her anymore because he doesn't want to complicate our relationship; (b) he sent this to her the day after we'd had a huge fight about how he can be overly critical of me; and © he's clearly being sneaky again. He has not mentioned to me in the last week that he misses her or that he's even been in contact with her.

 

So, there we have. I feel like absolute crap and I don't know what to do. I know he loves me very much but I'm so confused. I don't know how to bring this up without letting him know that I did a crappy thing by going through his phone but I'm absolutely livid that he's stopped giving a toss about protecting our relationship. What happened to not complicating things? He's more concerned about the error of his ways and being a crap friend to her, than he is about the error of his ways as my boyfriend.

 

Sorry about the long rant. I'm 36 and he's 39. The friend in question is 30. We've been together for around 6.5 years, known each other for around 12.

 

Just for the record, I've never had an issue with him having female friends, except for this one and he knows it. I feel we took a massive step forward with his "no contact" rule with her and now we've taken 5 steps back with him hiding it again.

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Leave him.

 

Your boyfriend is dishonest and obviously has feelings for this woman. He obviously doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship. He keeps going to see this woman because he know you will take him back.

 

Stick to your stated consequences for contacting this woman again. You'll be glad you did.

 

You deserve better than a selfish binge drinker who lies about where he is going to see another woman.

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Thank you for your response. I'm at the point now where I don't feel I'll ever have harmony or peace in this relationship. He's damaged my trust yet again, with the same person who damaged our relationship before.

 

My only problem is, I'd have to save some money to move out as I have nowhere to stay in the meantime. Things are going to be very awkward. I feel devastated, but I know I deserve better.

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You can either wait to break up until you have money saved to move out or break off the relationship now and let your boyfriend know that you are saving to leave.

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Separation is a last resort, NSA, for me, paired for 12 years, and living together for 6.5 years is a long period of time. You and your lover really know one another. Of course, you trust him, so both of you have a joint bank account. Quite complicated if you both parted. Besides, he still love you. Caused by a third person, the attention of your lover has changed. What action should you do? Try to find her way away from your lover. He is yours....:)

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That must be a terrible situation you are in and you have my deepest sympathies. I understand that life cannot be boiled down into so few words but from what you are saying it sounds like your man has found his "fantasy girl".

 

I am curious to know if you feel that he listens to you and I mean really listen? Do you feel that he does not respect you, your thoughts and your feelings? I am feeling that perhaps he doesn't take you seriously and does not value you the way he needs to.

 

Ellensteve explained it better than I can. Sometimes we need to do the hard work for the sake of our own values, self respect and for the good of our children. I am thinking that he doesn't respect you and that you need to be very clear about what is going to happen if he does not sort his crap out.

 

It is not your fault. All the best.

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CarboniteCammy

I'm sorry if you mentioned it, but did he have sex with this other girl? Or, did he just tell you that "nothing happened?"

 

I feel that your boyfriend must not respect your relationship and that he also doesn't respect you. The boundaries that you set for him he blatantly ignored, which puts you in the situation where you have to sell your self respect should you choose to remain in a relationship with him.

 

Your other choice, of course, is to leave.

 

Besides that, he was deceitful with multiple "little things" which then puts his integrity into question on the whole. Even if he says that nothing happened or that it's innocent, it would be impossible to believe him due to his past history.

 

In your shoes, I would not want to have to watch over my shoulder constantly and that much distrust is not sustainable in a long term relationship with out things becoming very unhealthy.

 

I would not suggest remaining in your current relationship. He's made it plain that his feelings for this other woman superceed his relationship with you. However, he stays with you because you are comfortable and known, and because perhaps this other woman is not interested in a stable long term relationship with him.

 

So, he has her when he can, but gives you just enough love and affection to keep you hanging for his own purposes. This is what is termed as a "cake eater."

 

You deserve better.

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