How to soften a hard heart

[fredmila]

I am trying to make peace with my wife. We have been married for 10 years. The first year was bliss but then we fell into the routine and were hit by the recession too. I reacted badly to my wife's personality quirks, I was mean and unhelpful many times. I did not show her love. Fortunately she is a strong woman and she always gave as good as she took. We are separated, living in the same house and I have set about proving to her that I can be a good loving husband.

 

However, she is full of resentment against me, she realises that I am trying to soften her heart and brings up a barrier almost every time we talk. I have once apologised profusely for things I did or did not do but of course she was not going to have a change of heart there and then. She goes from periods when she is friendly, chatty and laughs at my jokes to periods when she hardly speaks to me, does not smile and even snaps at me for no reason.

 

My question is what is the process to soften a woman whose heart is so hardened? is it a long process? How do I do it?

 

Of course I know that now buying her flowers every week (when I almost never bought her flowers before) or showering her with presents is not going to work.

Edited January 29, 2013 by fredmila

[fredmila]

Did you take a training her to protect herself from you? Did it take days, weeks, or years? Figure that out and then you have that answer.

 

I do not understand your posting

[Ladybugz]

I think you do understand the first post if you take time to do so.

Just like dealing with your wife.

 

Look, im a woman and i can tell you between men and woman, its the woman that

often take a lot of crap for so long, often without getting anything good of it at the end.

We are of persistent to fight for a relationship /men.

Sometimes its low self esteem, sometimes its cause of love.

 

A lot of woman dont give up easily on a men, (doesnt mean that its always the right thing to do ).

but just to make you aware of when a woman walk out its cause she have been taking

to much and is really done with it . And you have had to many chances and did noting with them.

 

But cause you are married and i see that she did not divorce you.

And i see you want to make it right.

I think you need to realize that you took long to make her become this way.

So you may have to prove yourself for that amount of time or more to

make it right.

Cause she is hurt. really hurt. And for someone that trusted you openly get hurt by you

in a certain way its big to be vulnerable again to the same person.

So if you are not serious about this. dont..

 

I think right now your words are great but your actions need to be

all over the place!

Cause your words means noting much right now without actions.

 

I dont know the issues. And what you did wrong but i would say start

doing what you supposed to do as a men towards a woman.

And if you know what her needs are answer to them.

 

Before healing, comes confession,truth, honesty, sorry, open heart , humble, etc.

You need to be as vulnerable as she is not to maybe get to her heart at least.

You can make somewhere in your home as much as possible

the way that it was when you met her and felt in love.

And make it romantic.

 

And there you will open up to her. Not just sorry, but mention to her

what you did wrong and why, tell her what you know that may have heart her.

admit where you where wrong ( be open , be human let your deep down emotions show)

Tell her what you want to achieve with this and how you wan to do it. ask her

what she wants you to do.

Let her know you love her, etc.

 

And dont let it end there but do something with what she told you.therapy,

do your best etc. what ever needed. If its about work start taking day of to spent with make every Sunday your special day with her or something.

 

I dont know if it will work but, i think it will make a different. If you go honest and open into it. And shore you cant aspect her to be all happy fro that day on.

You will have to be the best men you where not.

 

And read some books about marriage and woman.

And men , marriage.etc.

 

Cause there are things that a woman lives from.

Like attention, affection. If she dont have that she will be like a plant without watter.

And maybe first we fall for your words, but when you screw up

we will sit and screen your actions to see if there is really a change of mind and heart in you. we need to protect our heart.

 

To get into our heart you have to work hard, once you have us

you need to work 3 time that hard to keep us. hahaha , that is how it is.

[Ladybugz]

If you know you have a issue work on it not to get her back but for your own good.

 

And if there was any kind of abuse dont take my advice. cause for abuse i

think she should divorce you. cause there is no reason to stay.

[fredmila]

I think you do understand the first post if you take time to do so.

Just like dealing with your wife.

 

Look, im a woman and i can tell you between men and woman, its the woman that

often take a lot of crap for so long, often without getting anything good of it at the end.

We are of persistent to fight for a relationship /men.

Sometimes its low self esteem, sometimes its cause of love.

 

A lot of woman dont give up easily on a men, (doesnt mean that its always the right thing to do ).

but just to make you aware of when a woman walk out its cause she have been taking

to much and is really done with it . And you have had to many chances and did noting with them.

 

But cause you are married and i see that she did not divorce you.

And i see you want to make it right.

I think you need to realize that you took long to make her become this way.

So you may have to prove yourself for that amount of time or more to

make it right.

Cause she is hurt. really hurt. And for someone that trusted you openly get hurt by you

in a certain way its big to be vulnerable again to the same person.

So if you are not serious about this. dont..

 

I think right now your words are great but your actions need to be

all over the place!

Cause your words means noting much right now without actions.

 

I dont know the issues. And what you did wrong but i would say start

doing what you supposed to do as a men towards a woman.

And if you know what her needs are answer to them.

 

Before healing, comes confession,truth, honesty, sorry, open heart , humble, etc.

You need to be as vulnerable as she is not to maybe get to her heart at least.

You can make somewhere in your home as much as possible

the way that it was when you met her and felt in love.

And make it romantic.

 

And there you will open up to her. Not just sorry, but mention to her

what you did wrong and why, tell her what you know that may have heart her.

admit where you where wrong ( be open , be human let your deep down emotions show)

Tell her what you want to achieve with this and how you wan to do it. ask her

what she wants you to do.

Let her know you love her, etc.

 

And dont let it end there but do something with what she told you.therapy,

do your best etc. what ever needed. If its about work start taking day of to spent with make every Sunday your special day with her or something.

 

I dont know if it will work but, i think it will make a different. If you go honest and open into it. And shore you cant aspect her to be all happy fro that day on.

You will have to be the best men you where not.

 

And read some books about marriage and woman.

And men , marriage.etc.

 

Cause there are things that a woman lives from.

Like attention, affection. If she dont have that she will be like a plant without watter.

And maybe first we fall for your words, but when you screw up

we will sit and screen your actions to see if there is really a change of mind and heart in you. we need to protect our heart.

 

To get into our heart you have to work hard, once you have us

you need to work 3 time that hard to keep us. hahaha , that is how it is.

 

Thank you, there is a lot of very useful advice here. I have already started putting some of these things into action but I have to be careful not to go to the extreme and start being a wimp.

 

However, my problem is that large data bank she carries in her head about me. It contains several files about individual events, with dates, every detail of what happened etc. And I do not see that she has deleted any of the files

[todreaminblue]

i don't know if she has hardened her heart i would say more likely she has put up walls, in my opinion extreme physical abuse hardens hearts and bodies to a partner....i put up a wall around my heart when i have felt coldness from a partner, one wall i have is music,another is the ability to shut out everything around me including people.

 

 

Walls can be broken down, a lot easier than a hard heart, you have some work cut out for you.....best wishes....deb