bigsteve1966 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I am a older man (46) and am envolved with this woman who now is 37. we have been together for almost 4 years i had a vasectomy 10 years ago and cant have kids. well she doesnt have any but desperately wants one. well we broke up for a couple of months and she was seeing this guy. In the end we decided to get back together cause we missed each other. and she found out that she is pregnent. when we decided to get back she didnt know she was pregnant knowing that i cant have anymore should i stay or should i go...? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) Welcome to LS. You cut the question down to the essence but I think it's more involved. Is she/has she notified the sperm donor? One can guess that she's gleeful but maybe not. It's very much a decision based on factors that don't involve a marriage to her. Whether you share living quarters. Other than that, did you ever date women who had children? Edited December 12, 2012 by Balzac Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 is there any doubt in your mind that the break up was just a "clean" way for her to get pregnant? I think the answer to that question may make all other questions redundant... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 is there any doubt in your mind that the break up was just a "clean" way for her to get pregnant? I think the answer to that question may make all other questions redundant... Yes. So OP, do you think it was planned conciously or subconciously ? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Fundamental differences in whether you want children (and the type of relationship desired: whether you want marriage/LTR/casual dating) are deal breakers. To be blunt, your relationship was doomed if she hadn't gotten pregnant since you couldn't give her what she wanted. Given where you are, these are the questions I would consider: Am I willing to accept her and her baby? (She's a package deal now.) Can I be supportive?What role will the bio dad have, if any? (Understand that this could change over time)If we were to stay together, what role am I willing to play and is that acceptable to both of us?Are the issues that caused our breakup resolved? Mud slinging, blame games, guessing at ulterior motives, and using guilt to influence the situation and/or outcome are unproductive and destructive at this juncture. Focus on what matters--what you both want to do moving forward, and based on that, whether that means doing it together or going your separate ways. On a separate note, given your vasectomy, it might be better in the future to focus on women closer to your own age or single mothers who don't want more children. Best! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Most interesting is her willingness to commit 4 years of her prime child bearing opportunity to a man not wanting children. Did she not make her desire known to you? When you reunited was her desire discussed? Vasectomy is a procedure that can be modified so you ruled that out. I see no future for you two absent your desire to be a father by proxy. This is her one chance at parenthood and I'd think her happiness in that role would be of the highest priority. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 In the end we decided to get back together cause we missed each other. and she found out that she is pregnent. when we decided to get back she didnt know she was pregnant knowing that i cant have anymore should i stay or should i go...? You've already been asked lots of questions but I'll add one more - what were your intentions for the re-connected relationship before you found out she was pregnant? If it was just FWB or fun and games, then it seems the answer is clear. If she was the "one", you've got some choices to make... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 well we discussed me getting reversed but the cost is around $5000 i dont mind being a father again when we decided to get back together she didnt know she was pregnent Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 I was asked if i have kids already i have 3 biological children and my 4 th is a child i adopted for 15 yrs from my previous (she is 19) from a previous relationship ...and too boot i am a grand father Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 well she told me that if i wasnt gonna get reversed that she would have one from someone else...i wanted to get married first but she wantes a kid first ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 [Most interesting is her willingness to commit 4 years of her prime child bearing opportunity to a man not wanting children. Did she not make her desire known to you? When you reunited was her desire discussed? ] well we discussed me getting reversed but the cost is around $5000 i dont mind being a father again when we decided to get back together she didnt know she was pregnent Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 well she told me that if i wasnt gonna get reversed that she would have one from someone else...i wanted to get married first but she wantes a kid first ... So she served up an ultimatum, you stuck to your guns and now she presented you with the fait accompli [accomplished fact]. It's your life, but personally ... i would feel used. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Welcome to LS. You cut the question down to the essence but I think it's more involved. Is she/has she notified the sperm donor? One can guess that she's gleeful but maybe not. It's very much a decision based on factors that don't involve a marriage to her. Whether you share living quarters. Other than that, did you ever date women who had children? yes the guy knows she is pregnent and he wants to be with her...but she decided to see if we could make it work again before she knew she was pregnant Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Big Steve, I would walk away from the person. As Radu said, she served you an ultimatum and now is trying to manipulate you into caring for her and this other man's child. I would feel a whole ton of resentment and the drama alone of the fact that she WILL have to deal with the child's father for the next two decades will only cause more problems for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 I dont blame her, she waited for me for 4 years i wish she just waited a little longer. i feel she really loves me and but she says she saw all these people around her having kids and she still didnt have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Whatever you end up doing, I wish you both happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 thank you , i am probally gonna if she wants me to be there ..its just not a easy decision Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Judging by the tone of your posts, I feel you've already made up your mind. All I will say is that if she loved you for better of worse, there would not have been a break up. Best of luck keeping the baby's daddy from stealing your GF again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 She came back to you. Remember that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 trust me i have .... im not perfect but i do love her thats why this is so hard Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Judging by the tone of your posts, I feel you've already made up your mind. All I will say is that if she loved you for better of worse, there would not have been a break up. Best of luck keeping the baby's daddy from stealing your GF again. yup i feel the same , but people make mistakes...if i was younger i would have never forgive her Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 yup i feel the same , but people make mistakes...if i was younger i would have never forgive her I'm sorry but your gf is 37 not an age people make childish mistakes. Also a women of 37 knows what to do to prevent pregancy. So why would you be okay with it now you are in your 40's and not when you where younger? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 cause i probally would have been so uptight and angry , no at my age i can sit back and see both sides Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 OP, were you honest with her from the start about not wanting kids, or did you string her along about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 OP, were you honest with her from the start about not wanting kids, or did you string her along about it? when we first started dating she asked me would i consider getting reversed and i said if the right situation came up , yes i would i had all my kids out of wed lock i wanted to be married just once this time ...but she wasnt sure if i could get her pregnant so she wanted me to get untied first before we got married... Link to post Share on other sites
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