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Maybe We Will Live Together...


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I have an exBF who I've posted about over and over again on here. We have a really strong connection and we care a lot about one another. We're like family.

 

So today he came here to take a shower because his hot water heater broke and it's not getting replaced until tomorrow.

 

He saw my living room that I just painted and he knows I want to sell my house. He said he is going to sell his house and I asked him where he's going. He said he didn't know. I told him we should go rent a place together. Then we started talking about bedrooms. In talking we agreed we'd share a bedroom.

 

I know it sounds crazy but to me it just makes sense. To him too apparently. He said he has some regrets with us, mostly by drinking too much. I told him he was suppose to be my soul mate and knight in shining armor.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation before?

 

Background...we were together for four years, have known each other for six years, slept with each other a few times for NSA sex in the two years we weren't together, and each of us always comes through for the other.

 

With Sandy we were in touch. With last years hurricane the kids and I evacuated but he came by to check on my house. We text on holidays to wish each other a good day, and he stops by on Christmas morning every year. It's kind of like a tradition.

 

How weird is this? The thing I'm pretty sure of is that if we told both our parents this they would all think its a good idea that we be together. My mom doesn't like that he drinks too much and TBH neither do I. But he says he's going to AA tonight. There's time to see how he does. It's not like we're moving tomorrow.

 

But did anybody have someone in your life like this? Someone that's always been there but because of circumstances you chose to be apart but you both kind of just waited for each other?

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Yes I experienced something like this before and I noticed this kind of pattern in my relationships before.

 

What do you mean about his drinking? Is he an addict? Why do you think it would work this time? As I'm learning more and more about codependency and the ways it shows itself, I get more sceptical. I know you are a smart woman and I know sometimes it takes time for people to truly find each other.

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What do you mean about his drinking? Is he an addict? Why do you think it would work this time? As I'm learning more and more about codependency and the ways it shows itself, I get more sceptical.

 

He's a alcoholic bigtime. But not mean, sad.

 

I'm not sure what co-dependency is. We don't need to be in each others daily life. We can go weeks without so much as a "hi". We're both pretty independent. Isn't that the opposite of co-dependency? :confused:

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He's a alcoholic bigtime. But not mean, sad.

 

I'm not sure what co-dependency is. We don't need to be in each others daily life. We can go weeks without so much as a "hi". We're both pretty independent. Isn't that the opposite of co-dependency? :confused:

 

When you are a codependent, you are a fixer. You date men who need help, who are addicts, who you THINK need help. You attract victims. I'm reading this book at the moment (posting it second time here today :)) Codependent No More - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

It has made me think in a certain way and I think it will help me to find healthier relationships. Until I got it I had thought the definition was related to independence too. In fact, you can be needy in different ways and you can be attracted to needy people.

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If anyone is co-dependent it would be him. He tells me that I make him relax and he likes having me in his life and I'm kind of the opposite. I like having him in my life too but it gets to be too much sometimes. He's drama sometimes.

 

I don't depend on him for much. But if I needed something he'd be there for me. I don't doubt that.

 

Now I'm confused. Thanks Emilia. :laugh:

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Now I'm confused. Thanks Emilia. :laugh:

 

You are welcome ;):D

 

It's not literal for depending on each other, it's more about one person having psychological or addiction issues and the other one being a fixer/caretaker.

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You shouldn't move in with him unless he is sober and committed to staying that way. Otherwise it sounds like all you're going to do is repeat history. Why do you want to live with an alcoholic? He may be a functioning one at the moment, but for how long?

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Why do you want to live with an alcoholic? He may be a functioning one at the moment, but for how long?

 

It was part of the plan before. We planned that after my kids were grown and settled we'd move someplace warm together. I still want to do that. With or without him. But knowing he's an alcoholic doesn't bother me too much.

 

I hope he stops. That'd be great if he does but if he doesn't I'm okay with that. It's not like it's contagious. And nobody is perfect.

 

He's had the same job for twelve years or something. He will most likely retire from there. He's functioning.

 

It's not like he needs me to take care of him. He's been managing on his own for quite some time now. Same as me. :)

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melodymatters

Everyone is different, but here's my story : Had an old BF, we got along great as friends, horrible as partners. We stayed friends as we went on to other relationships. My husband died and he was going through a tough divorce, so we decided to room together as friends only, separate Bdrms etc.

 

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE ! It seems that even taking the sex out of it, the problems you two used to have will still be there.

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BetheButterfly
It was part of the plan before. We planned that after my kids were grown and settled we'd move someplace warm together. I still want to do that. With or without him. But knowing he's an alcoholic doesn't bother me too much.

 

I hope he stops. That'd be great if he does but if he doesn't I'm okay with that. It's not like it's contagious. And nobody is perfect.

 

He's had the same job for twelve years or something. He will most likely retire from there. He's functioning.

 

It's not like he needs me to take care of him. He's been managing on his own for quite some time now. Same as me. :)

 

I am glad that he's not mean when drunk. My great grandfather on my Mom's side was really mean when he would drink. :( He was an alcoholic who beat up his wife and kids. :(

 

Does he drink and drive? That would be a very big concern, because that puts into danger the lives of other people. My Dad's Dad lost 2 brothers when a drunk driver crashed into their car. Because of this, my Grandpa (who recently died of a heart attack) had 0 tolerance for the consumption of alcohol. (I never ever told him that I like to drink margaritas, wine, or sangria once in while... that would not have been a pleasant conversation.)

 

That's great about his job!

 

Personally, though I don't agree with moving in together without marriage, it is your and his decision. I support you in making the decision you want. :)

 

Do you love him? Does he love you? If y'all love each other and work to make the living arrangements an awesome environment for each other, then the decision to move in together sounds like it would be productive in that way. :)

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My parents were married for ten years, divorced for something like eleven years, and then re-married (after my dad split from his second wife: she was cheating on him). They were supposed to visit us together, Christmas 1989, then Dad called, spoke to me, in tears, and I remember being *so* angry at her. From what I remember, he wasn't going to come, but ended up doing so, because we'd only seen him a few times in the years my parents were divorced.

 

Mum was in a relationship with someone (I think they were engaged), but he was heavily into alcohol, and had partying friends. He would conveniently lose his wallet, or it would be stolen (according to him) occasionally, and mum ended up suspecting that he was still involved with the woman he said was his ex. Other things happened that Christmas, she'd just been in surgery, so she wasn't supposed to be doing much, but the boyfriend (other than doing something despicable later that month, out of insecurity), wasn't around to help her with anything. My Dad was there, and he helped her (he admitted that he was aiming to get her back - he'd never stopped loving her - but he would have helped her anyway).

 

The next thing you know, mum and her boyfriend have split up, Dad has proposed again, and the following Spring, he came over to help us get our American passports sorted out, as well as other things. We came over here in August 1990, for what was supposed to be a vacation to see whether or not we'd want to live in California. It ended up being, after a few days with an aunt and uncle in Southern California (Disneyland, Universal Studios, etc), a mishmash of visits to friends and family, so we were exhausted by the end of it. I wasn't sure about moving over here: I thought they were moving too fast (having witnessed both in action before: mum moving too fast, and dad remarrying within a year of losing my mother). they married our last night here on vacation. mum didn't want to, but dad didn't want her to leave without marrying him- so they were arguing as we were on our way to Tahoe so that they could remarry. :laugh:

 

He got more than he bargained for when he got us back: we were used to our own ways of doing things, and not having to deal with a dad, too, so he felt shut out at times, but we adjusted, and now I'm glad that they got back together. :love: They've almost split up several times, but they've both said that the other one is "the" one for them.

 

Dad was apparently more self-centred before they split up in 1979 (although he says he was confused: one day he had his little family and was all happy, and the next we were gone). He saw a therapist over it, and the guy couldn't understand why he wouldn't fight for us (his children) or to get her back. He decided her mind was made up, and that shuffling us girls back and forth would be rough on us, so he just gave mum what she wanted: full custody and a divorce. Anyway, it's been twenty-two years - we moved over here on October 1st, 1990 - and they're still together. They didn't wait for each other, but they grew up, I guess.

 

My sister stuck with her boyfriend, who is an alcoholic. He apparently treats her well *now*, but he's been a douche with me, and destroyed my relationship with my sister, so I don't look upon him so favourably.

Edited by Anela
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Yeah I know...half a closet. :(

I meant what does it mean in terms of defining your R with him? FWB? Roommates sharing a bed? BF/GF? Will you be a couple?

 

Usually when someone so casually starts a sentence with "In talking we agreed we'd share a ...", the answer is "ride" or "two-item combination plate". "Bedroom" carries certain implications...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It sounds like a bad idea...

 

I echo Emilia's posts.

 

I'm not sure how one goes from hey take a shower at my place to moving in together. You guys aren't even together anymore. It seems very rash and add to that, the fact that he's an alcoholic makes it an even worse idea.

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I'm not sure how one goes from hey take a shower at my place to moving in together. You guys aren't even together anymore. It seems very rash and add to that, the fact that he's an alcoholic makes it an even worse idea.

Agreed. And since she mentioned "kids" in her first post, sounds even dicier.

 

"Boys and girls, here's Mom's alcoholic ex-BF and occasional FWB that happens to currently share her bed"...

 

amaysngrace, sounds like a challenging environment for little ones.

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just to clarify, my kids are in high school and college. They aren't little but when they were he use to pretend to be Santa on the phone. He's really good at doing impersonations.

 

I get what you're all saying though. Being with him was too much for me before. I admit it. He has some great qualities but the drinking was way too much to deal with every day. I tried. We were together for four years.

 

Anyway I'm not doing anything anytime soon. I have plenty of time to figure it out. Tonight he stopped by to say thank you and told me its harder this time for him to stop. He's going to see if maybe a doctor will prescribe something to take the edge off. I told him about valerian root tea and he said he was going to pick some up.

 

I need to see how I feel about it all when the time comes. Plus he has a parrot named Maxine. She gets on my nerves. But my kids like her.

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Please take your time in this decision....

 

Alcoholism is a progressive disease--it gets worse if people don't go for treatment. I've dealt with a lot of problem alcoholics, in my life, and it can be like a personality grab-bag---you never know WHO you're going to get on a given day.

 

Alcoholics can be charming as hell socially, & very different behind closed doors....

 

The parrot would be an issue for me, too--I lived somewhere with a cockatiel for a couple of months in my early twenties---the shrieking and squawking started veeeerrryy early in the morning, and it was impossible to ignore. It got old, really fast...(ticked off the neighbors, too, it was that loud...)

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Just to clarify, my kids are in high school and college. They aren't little but when they were he use to pretend to be Santa on the phone. He's really good at doing impersonations.

 

I get what you're all saying though. Being with him was too much for me before. I admit it. He has some great qualities but the drinking was way too much to deal with every day. I tried. We were together for four years.

 

Anyway I'm not doing anything anytime soon. I have plenty of time to figure it out. Tonight he stopped by to say thank you and told me its harder this time for him to stop. He's going to see if maybe a doctor will prescribe something to take the edge off. I told him about valerian root tea and he said he was going to pick some up.

 

I need to see how I feel about it all when the time comes. Plus he has a parrot named Maxine. She gets on my nerves. But my kids like her.

 

What happens to him when he drinks? I mean, how does he act - His behaviour, does he get angry or do stupid things/say stupid things? I just worry that you'll get hurt again.

 

Your love together is there, it's just he is broken and the drinking IS going to be a huge demon for him to fight. He has to stop for himself, because he's hit his rock bottom. You can inspire him every day, be supportive but at the end of the day it's his choice to quit or not and stick to it. AA combo with counseling can help though obviously.

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Some more food for thought...

 

 

Would you be moving in together as romantic partners, or roommates?

 

If it's the latter---and you don't want to have a romantic relationship with him, the fact that you're co-habitating with not only a man, but an exbf--could ruin your chances of getting into a new serious relationship.

 

A lot of people will raise an eyebrow about a new romantic prospect who's co-habitating with someone of the opposite sex. There's an obvious risk factor. I've met a number of people who just won't bother.

 

My current SO lived with his ex as roommates for. two years after they split up--separate rooms, and everything . He wasn't able to get a date, either...

 

(Learned that the hard way, I had a male roommate for two years , in my twenties--- it didn't do much for my dating life.)

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I agree with the posters who said it's not a good idea to shack up with this guy. He's an alcoholic. He's an ex boyfriend. There's really no benefit in this for you to have him there, and there are a whole lot of reasons not to have him there.

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I hope you will thoroughly educate yourself about alcoholism and what successful recovery entails.

 

Read the big book too. It may give you insight as to what he's going to need to DO.

 

I suggest waiting years and give him that room and time to get past his anger and trauma he's covering up with alcohol.

 

He needs counseling!

 

And a good sponsor would never suggest exchanging drinking for any medicine.

 

He needs to address the emotional pain he's voiding by checking out.

 

There's good reason he doesn't contact for a week or so = he's drinking!

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Just to clarify, my kids are in high school and college. They aren't little but when they were he use to pretend to be Santa on the phone. He's really good at doing impersonations.

I get what you're all saying though. Being with him was too much for me before. I admit it. He has some great qualities but the drinking was way too much to deal with every day. I tried. We were together for four years.

 

Anyway I'm not doing anything anytime soon. I have plenty of time to figure it out. Tonight he stopped by to say thank you and told me its harder this time for him to stop. He's going to see if maybe a doctor will prescribe something to take the edge off. I told him about valerian root tea and he said he was going to pick some up.

 

I need to see how I feel about it all when the time comes. Plus he has a parrot named Maxine. She gets on my nerves. But my kids like her.

 

:lmao:

 

OP, forgive me...but what does your ex-alcoholic boyfriend being able to do good impersonations have to do with anything? And what does his parrot Maxine also have to with anything? I'm sorry but that is not a selling point and does nothing to make this situation seem any more sensible. It does the opposite for me in fact...it makes me wonder where your priorities are and if in moving in with a man the stuff you look at is irrelevant stuff like pets and fun voices versus their serious issues.

 

It's always interesting and scary to me when people have someone in their life with huge issues but then attempt to bring up their "nice qualities" and often their nice qualities are very superficial. Anyone can be nice and impersonate Santa...that doesn't mean they are good relationship material or that you should date them or worse live with them. I feel like you're being impulsive here. Have you told any of your friends or family about your idea? You should and see what they have to say.

 

Please look up codependency as Emilia has brought up. You don't really know what it is because you keep saying you're independent and he is the one dependent, but it doesn't mean that. It's a relationship pattern that is dysfunctional in which there is one person with a problem (your alcoholic ex) and another person who feels it is their duty to help or fix them or who makes excuses for them or who acts like nothing is wrong with this weird situation and they often carry on this dysfunctional relationship for years, bothering everyone else around them who realizes it is weird, but they seem to always find a way back to each other to rinse and repeat the dysfunction...sound familiar?

Edited by MissBee
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