Work colleague pursuing me. Finding it hard to get away.

[mybigdogjoe]

I really need some advice on how to deal with a situation that I have let get out of hand and now can’t control it.

 

I have worked at a company for 23 years. It is a great job, I love everything about it, I would like to work here until retirement. The trouble is I have got myself into a ridiculous situation with the owners granddaughter. Before you get any wrong ideas she is 20.

 

Before I go any further let me just state for the record that we have done absolutely nothing. She is a gorgeous woman, she has/does work as a model as well as learning the business here. But for some reason, even though I am more than double her age, she has taken a real fancy towards me. OK maybe that strokes my ego a bit but other than that there is nothing to this ‘relationship’ from my end.

 

This has been going on for the best part of a year now, it started as just flirting and I reciprocated with that thinking it was harmless fun which I now realize was a big mistake. The flirting we are talking about is just words, ‘hello gorgeous’, ‘mmm, look at you today’ and the like. It was more from her but I did give it back. It was never any touching or anything like that.

 

She has made it clear that she wants me, I am not misreading the situation, she has been very graphic. She has tried to kiss me twice, both at after work functions and I obviously pushed her away. The second time she was rather persistent but again nothing happened.

 

Recently though it has escalated to a point where she “accidently” walked in on me in the shower. To explain that, we have a gym at our work, it has a shared male/female shower, if the door is locked no-one is supposed to open it for this exact reason. Instead of being embarrassed though she started to strip off so I grabbed my stuff and pushed past her to get out and in my haste pushed against her boob. She now keeps asking me to do it again and how much she liked it etc. So enough is enough.

 

Now the decision really should be very easy. Either (a) quit my job or (b) table a complaint with the owner (her grandfather). This is where my problem lies, I know from a long history with the company when other family members have worked here that family will always come first. Some family members have done some pretty nasty things here and never has anything come of any complaints made. And to make matters worse they are known to spread rumors around the industry about the people who made the complaints basically making them unemployable. To me that rules out option (b).

 

That means I need to quit my job which is easier said than done. This was my first job, my skills are very specific to this job, I will find it almost impossible to get even a similar role as I haven’t kept my skills up. I am paid well and truly above industry standard here and moving to a new job will basically mean a pay cut of anywhere between 40%-50% resulting in losing my house and I have no idea how on Earth I could explain that to my wife and kids. We already have our own issues with tight finances and my wife has already confronted me suspecting an affair because I work way too many hours. (I have never so much as kissed another woman since I have been with my wife). She has accepted my explanation but I don’t think she is convinced. If I tell her now about this girl at work I don’t think she is going to believe that it wasn’t mutual so I have sort of painted myself into a corner. She has had an affair which was all my fault according to her because I work too much and am always too tired. It only lasted a few weeks but only stopped when they were caught by our eldest daughter who said that if my wife didn’t tell me she would, my wife did tell me. When I say I will leave my job to give me more time but we will have to move she won’t have a bar of it, she wants her big house with a pool and a holiday house so she can brag to her friends.

 

So I am stuck. If I keep working my wife gets angry and who knows, probably has another affair, pretty much marriage over unless I turn a blind eye to it. If I quit work I will have to sell the house and it will put an incredible strain on my marriage probably ending in divorce anyway. If I take action against this girl at work I most probably lose my job and my wife will be convinced we were having an affair so again my marriage is over.

 

So unless someone can see away out of this I just have to grin and bear it at work.

 

I have tried speaking to this girl telling her to leave me alone but she seems fascinated with me, it’s like it just doesn’t register in her head and after the conversation she will stroke my arm like girls do when flirting and say see you next time, wink. Did she not hear anything I just said? I mean who walks in on someone in the shower and just starts stripping off? She knows I am married she just doesn’t care.

 

I know she is in the wrong, but life doesn’t always favor those in the right, this is one of those situations. If I leave or complain and are sacked I run a very real chance of my marriage disintegrating. If I stay I keep my beautiful wife but if she ever does find out about this girl then she will probably leave anyway (even though I have never done anything except keep it a secret). If she never finds out I have this girl relentlessly pursuing me. I wouldn’t put it past this girl to tell my wife either, she seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I think I need to play matchmaker and find this girl a man of her own, is that an option, would that work?

 

This is all so complicated. A friend of mine said why don’t I just go for it with the girl. And you know what, sometimes I daydream of just that. I would never act on it, not in a million years but it would make things so much less difficult.

 

To you married women out there. If you’re husband told you about a girl at work as per my situation and that it has been going on for a year would you believe him. Or given that it has never been mentioned before think that there was way more to it and draw the wrong conclusions?

 

Sorry it’s so long. But it’s complicated and a short explanation does not do it justice. This is the edited version, it was originally much longer.

[2sunny]

You contradict yourself so many times - it's hard to believe you.

 

Read through your story again.

 

Yes, you give this young gal mixed signals.

 

You can hold a boundary IF you wanted to - but it's obvious you don't love your W and this gal is tempting. Being available naked in the shower is sketchy at best. Rubbing her boob and running away? I doubt you left.

 

Be honest.

 

Your gonna lose the house anyway if you mess more with this gal. But you know you want to. Proper order is get the divorce finalized then date the young gal. See if she still finds you attractive in 20 or 30 years.

 

May as well choose one path or the other... Both seem sad to me.

 

Get honest about what you're doing. Half truths are still lies.

[mybigdogjoe]

You contradict yourself so many times - it's hard to believe you.

 

Read through your story again.

 

Yes, you give this young gal mixed signals.

 

You can hold a boundary IF you wanted to - but it's obvious you don't love your W and this gal is tempting. Being available naked in the shower is sketchy at best. Rubbing her boob and running away? I doubt you left.

 

Be honest.

 

Your gonna lose the house anyway if you mess more with this gal. But you know you want to. Proper order is get the divorce finalized then date the young gal. See if she still finds you attractive in 20 or 30 years.

 

May as well choose one path or the other... Both seem sad to me.

 

Get honest about what you're doing. Half truths are still lies.

 

 

No sorry 2sunny I am not giving mixed signals at all. I sure WAS giving mixed signals when this all started when I flirted back with her but I have been very very clear for a long time now that I am not interested. I admit my initial mistake but nothing came of that mistake.

 

I didn't rub her boob and run away which you make it sound intentional. I pushed past her to get to the door, I accidently rubbed her boob as I was leaving to remove myself from the situation.

 

I am not going to mess with this girl, I have no intention of that. I want to be with my wife and kids but I am stuck putting up with this girls agenda or if I do something about it (which would be easy to do) I lose my wife. I lose either way.

[TaraMaiden]

Which would be the bigger loss?

 

Work - or wife?

[mybigdogjoe]

Which would be the bigger loss?

 

Work - or wife?

 

There is no question that my wife would be the bigger loss. Unfortunately as explained it is not that easy.

 

If I leave my job my wife will ask why. If I tell her about the issues with this girl I am virtually admitting cheating (in her eyes). That will end the marriage. So then I have no job and no family.

 

Maybe I am not giving my wife enough credit and she will see the truth. That is why I asked the married women out there whether they would believe their husbands in a similar situation.

[TaraMaiden]

Write the girl a letter.

Tell her that unless she complies with the contents, you will take it further and escalate the issue. Privately, to one side, with no witnesses, tell her that you will make sure her reputation is in tatters, by spreading so many rumours about her, people will think she's a tramp.

 

Either back off, or deal with the flack. You don't care whether her family sides with her - the damage will have been done.

[mybigdogjoe]

Write the girl a letter.

Tell her that unless she complies with the contents, you will take it further and escalate the issue. Privately, to one side, with no witnesses, tell her that you will make sure her reputation is in tatters, by spreading so many rumours about her, people will think she's a tramp.

 

Either back off, or deal with the flack. You don't care whether her family sides with her - the damage will have been done.

 

Escalating the issue is no problem, it's the aftermath that really concerns me.

 

This is the way I think it will go down. I complain, the company say they will investigate, the investigation leads nowhere unless she admits to it (highly unlikely), I end up being shunted aside or maybe even outright sacked, this has happened before to others (obviously under different circumstances). I sue for unfair dismissal and win with a nice payout.

 

In the meantime my wife wants to know what was going on for the 12 months I said nothing so I am already putting a strain on our relationship. If I am lucky enough to get another job in a similar role my pay will drop from $150k to around $100k. If I can't get into a similar job my skills aren't up to scratch and I am looking at a job around $80k, maybe even as low as $70k. In every one of those situations we need to sell the house, we could not afford to keep it. More strain on our relationship.

 

Now if my wife sticks with me through all this then we come out the other side living in a smaller house in a not so exclusive neighborhood and no holiday house but, in my view anyway, all the more happier. That's IF she stays. She loves her lifestyle and taking that away from her would be huge, more strain on our relationship.

 

I want it to work out as described above but I am scared. Scared that if I try it this way she will leave and that means I lose my kids as well. Well I will get visitation rights but you know what I mean.

 

So I may well ruin this girls reputation but in the process I also may well destroy my marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

Write a personal letter to her Grandfather. Outline the issue factually, but don't dramatise it.

Advise him that unless this problem can be resolved privately, you will consider the issue to be a legitimate one for official channels.

 

Look buddy, you got up to your neck in this because you enjoyed it. Had you been horrified, appalled and offended from the beginning, you would have nipped it in the bud earlier.

Like it or lump it, you can't have it both ways. Something will happen because of this, one way or the other.

It's up to you now to enter into a damage limitation exercise, and deal with it.

Can't give you any further advice than this. Something's going to give. How far the damage goes, is your problem.

[mybigdogjoe]

Write a personal letter to her Grandfather. Outline the issue factually, but don't dramatise it.

Advise him that unless this problem can be resolved privately, you will consider the issue to be a legitimate one for official channels.

 

Look buddy, you got up to your neck in this because you enjoyed it. Had you been horrified, appalled and offended from the beginning, you would have nipped it in the bud earlier.

Like it or lump it, you can't have it both ways. Something will happen because of this, one way or the other.

It's up to you now to enter into a damage limitation exercise, and deal with it.

Can't give you any further advice than this. Something's going to give. How far the damage goes, is your problem.

 

Yes, you are correct, I am totally responsible for this mess. I just want my job the way it used to be and keep my family together. I mean so many people cheat, have affairs and the like and don't get in this sort of mess. I did some harmless (well I thought it was) flirting for a very short period of time with a girl so much younger than me that I never dreamed she would take it seriously and I am screwed. I would have been better off having an affair with her and she would be bored with me by now and we could all move on. I am not serious saying that, but in a perverse way that would have been, and maybe still is, the better end result.

 

I can talk to her grandfather about this I guess. We are rather close, well in business terms, as I have been there since this company started and have helped it achieve what it has. That is why he looks after me financially. But saying to him, hey, your granddaughter is trying to sleep with me is one huge jump in the friendship stakes. I don't think it will go down well but I have very little choice if I want this to stop.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, you are correct, I am totally responsible for this mess. I just want my job the way it used to be and keep my family together.

Put this wish right out of your head. It's never going to happen, you can't turn the clock back. Jeesh, I wish some folks would use more common sense and foresight before embarking on something that makes their private bits tingle.....

 

I mean so many people cheat, have affairs and the like and don't get in this sort of mess.

What a load of crap. Have you cruised this forum? Looked in the cheating/infidelity forums? The other man/woman forum? Hell, they're full of broken hearts and shattered lives, and people tragically dealing and coping with the fall-out of not saying 'No' to that culpable initial tingle.

 

I did some harmless (well I thought it was) flirting for a very short period of time with a girl so much younger than me that I never dreamed she would take it seriously and I am screwed. I would have been better off having an affair with her and she would be bored with me by now and we could all move on. I am not serious saying that, but in a perverse way that would have been, and maybe still is, the better end result.

No.

Trust me - the result would have been far, far FAR more serious, devastating, damaging and terminal.

 

I can talk to her grandfather about this I guess. We are rather close, well in business terms, as I have been there since this company started and have helped it achieve what it has. That is why he looks after me financially. But saying to him, hey, your granddaughter is trying to sleep with me is one huge jump in the friendship stakes. I don't think it will go down well but I have very little choice if I want this to stop.

Only you can gauge how to tackle this, but it may be worth shifting the slant on how scared you are that you may have inadvertently hurt her feelings and made her believe there was something more, when you were just being 'friendly' and flirtatious with her. You're worried she's now taking this too seriously and you're concerned she'll be hurt because there's nothing in it.

Man up to your 'contribution' but emphasise you firmly believed it was just playfulness! I mean, she's young enough to be your daughter, ferchrissakes, and you're a married man..... don't go into detail, but merely outline your concern that YOU may have gone too far and that she has a false impression of how this is going.

For everything else she may bring up, infer, confess, admit to him: Deny, Deny, Deny.

 

If you resolutely stick to "It only happened in her Mind" like a limpet to a rock, then it will pass.....

 

Hopefully.

 

And let this be a lesson to you: Don't be dazzled by flattery. Work on your marriage, and FOCUS on what counts.

[mybigdogjoe]

Work on your marriage, and FOCUS on what counts.

 

I know you will probably say honesty is always the best policy but if all goes well at work and the situation gets sorted with a minimum of fuss and all kept quiet then does my wife really need to know?

 

I mean, I did not do anything. Telling my wife only gives her a chance to see something where there is nothing to be seen. Just an old man blinded by the flattery of a young gorgeous girl, and that was only in the very initial stages of all this rubbish that has gone on.

[TaraMaiden]

Only tell her if she finds something out from someone else.

If she demands to know why you didn't tell her, explain because there was nothing to tell...it was all a young girl's fancy, and blown out of proportion, it was no big deal, a mountain from a molehill....... name another girl of similar age, known to both of you, and point out how ridiculous it is that you could ever have anything of that kind going on between you and her....I mean, that would be ridiculous.... right?

 

Shrug it off and change the subject.

 

Is it Lying?

Yes.

Do I condone it?

no.

 

But if you will forgive the criticism, you sound a lot more concerned about how everything will affect YOU rather than the impact this is going to have on other parties, that to be brutally honest, I don't think lying to your wife in this way will grate on your conscience.

Looking back over your post, you're wanting to implement a damage-limitation exercise that will preserve YOUR status, and safeguard your security.

Remorseful you may be. Altruistic and considerate - you ain't.

 

Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

I know you will probably say honesty is always the best policy but if all goes well at work and the situation gets sorted with a minimum of fuss and all kept quiet then does my wife really need to know?

 

I mean, I did not do anything. Telling my wife only gives her a chance to see something where there is nothing to be seen. Just an old man blinded by the flattery of a young gorgeous girl, and that was only in the very initial stages of all this rubbish that has gone on.

 

 

 

Hidimg things like this is just not the right thing to do ..its too big..chances are it is going to come out......let your wife find out from you and not by a rumor mill whcih is like chinese whispers it will be exaggerated and could potentially do more damage to your marriage than you biting the bullet and doing what you should have done in the first place.....respect your wife and tell her the truth ....

 

 

 

 

would you like it if the situation was reversed, some young guy cracking on to your wife and your wife getting all hot and bothered....

 

 

 

have you ever thought this young woman might ring your wife herself....

 

 

i have had that happen to me...how i found about one one night stand with the ex i was with....there is nothing worse than someone laughing at you telling you intimate things about your partner......as a woman you go into shock especially if you thought everything was peachy and you were loyal and respectful of your partner.....it is done out of spite when the partner does decide to stay its called a woman scorned .....you just dotn know what the future holds for you with this other woman...you really dont have a real clue to what she is thinking.....dont take that risk........seek counselling is my suggestion once you tell her if she forgives you...she should if it went nowhere...

 

 

 

i dont know how you could keep a secret like this and act like nothing is wrong...it would twist my guts and make me physically ill......do it......tell your wife the truth and nothing but..good luck...deb

[mybigdogjoe]

But if you will forgive the criticism, you sound a lot more concerned about how everything will affect YOU rather than the impact this is going to have on other parties, that to be brutally honest, I don't think lying to your wife in this way will grate on your conscience.

 

That is a fair comment. But what others are there? The girl, well she doesn't deserve to have me be concerned about how it will impact her.

 

And my wife I am extremely concerned about. Our marriage is solid, ok, she cheated but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, it was only with another woman so is sort of forgivable. She is rather demanding with her lifestyle choices but I have provided them for so long it would be hard for her to lose them now. Other than that our marriage is great, our sex life is great, we plan for the future together, we share our dreams, she is a wonderful mother to our kids. To think I could have ruined this because of a harmless flirt with a girl more than 20 years my junior is worrying.

[TaraMaiden]

That is a fair comment. But what others are there? The girl, well she doesn't deserve to have me be concerned about how it will impact her.

Why not? She may actually be a vulnerable, crazy mixed-up kid. You may have no idea what else has figured in her private life. Is she naturally attracted to older men? What might that say about the romantic influences in her life? Excuse me, but how dare you insinuate that simply because she's acting the vamp, behaving like a tramp - she has no right to have her feelings considered? That's somewhat callous for a person of your maturity. How would you feel about your daughter if she was suffering the same experience?

 

And my wife I am extremely concerned about. Our marriage is solid, ok, she cheated but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, it was only with another woman so is sort of forgivable.

Oh really? Why do you say that?

Cheating is cheating, no matter what the gender. if she played around with another person behind your back, then it's cheating plain and simple. The fact that it was another woman makes no difference. if your wife is bisexual, the gender of the third person in the equation is immaterial.

 

She is rather demanding with her lifestyle choices but I have provided them for so long it would be hard for her to lose them now.

So you're thinking the good life she's enjoying is more important to her than the affection you may have for one another, is that it? interesting where priorities lie in this dynamic, isn't it? From what you say, you're both into 'self-preservation', more than selfless companionship....

 

Other than that our marriage is great, our sex life is great, we plan for the future together, we share our dreams, she is a wonderful mother to our kids. To think I could have ruined this because of a harmless flirt with a girl more than 20 years my junior is worrying.

 

Not so 'harmless' really, was it? 'Worrying' really doesn't cover it, does it?

 

Your marriage is great, your sex life is great, you're planning for your future, and she's a great mom....

Just looked over all that a couple of times, looking for the word 'love' but...... nope, can't find it.....

 

I think this experience points to a whole lot more than just an older man's head being turned by the flattery of the attention from a young filly.

 

You need to step back and evaluate precisely why, if everything is really so 'great', your head could be turned so easily.

[mybigdogjoe]

would you like it if the situation was reversed, some young guy cracking on to your wife and your wife getting all hot and bothered....

 

I was never all hot and bothered. I was just flirting with this girl thinking it was totally harmless due to the age difference. That's how it would play out in 99% of situations, just my luck I got the weird clingy one.

 

I mean the comments I said to this girl I would say to any of our fiends in front of my wife and in front of their husbands, It's just harmless fun. Well it's meant to be and always has been until this situation.

[mybigdogjoe]

how dare you insinuate that simply because she's acting the vamp, behaving like a tramp - she has no right to have her feelings considered? That's somewhat callous for a person of your maturity.

 

Well from point of view I have done all I can to help this situation. I stuffed up and flirted when I shouldn't have, I'll admit to that even though it wouldn't have been an issue for most people.

 

But after than initial couple of months when I realized she was getting serious I have told her I had no intentions towards her too many times to remember. I have talked to her about age difference, I have talked to her about me being married. Yet still she pursues me to the point she corners me in the shower and strips in front of me. She had and has no regard for my feelings so why would I show any regard for hers?

[TaraMaiden]

Because you have no idea what in her mind, propels her to pursue you.

In the same way, you haven't figured out why you fell for it, when everything in your home life seems so 'great'.

You need to make allowances for the fact that there are hidden agendas.

[mybigdogjoe]

Because you have no idea what in her mind, propels her to pursue you.

In the same way, you haven't figured out why you fell for it, when everything in your home life seems so 'great'.

You need to make allowances for the fact that there are hidden agendas.

 

Ok, you make a good point. I will show some regard to her feelings and wont set out to totally destroy her but it will be very low down on my list of priorities.

 

Maybe you are just more level headed than I, but I have had to live through this for almost a year and although the prospect of a very attractive 20yo chasing an older man might seem like 'fun' believe me it is not.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, you make a good point. I will show some regard to her feelings and wont set out to totally destroy her but it will be very low down on my list of priorities.

Fine. Just be aware that disregarding feelings now, could have future consequences you can't even dream of right now. be careful, tactful, and don't incriminate. Accept your part in this....

 

Maybe you are just more level headed than I, but I have had to live through this for almost a year and although the prospect of a very attractive 20yo chasing an older man might seem like 'fun' believe me it is not.

Sure, not now it isn't - but when it first began, admit it - it rang your bells and you loved it.

Like I said - consequences never figure when our head is turned.

it's why I repeat:

Think about why, really, if your home life was fine, you even let this begin, let alone escalate.

You don't like this now, because it's pushing you into an uncomfortable zone.

 

The solutions discussed above may lead to a satisfactory conclusion, but be aware of the damage that has already been done.

[mybigdogjoe]

Sure, not now it isn't - but when it first began, admit it - it rang your bells and you loved it.

 

Yes, I loved the attention, who wouldn't? Wouldn't you like it if someone at your work complimented you? So, ok, we went a little further, not much further though, things like 'oh you look hot in that', a flirt but hardly a blatant attempt to seduce someone. I enjoyed the attention but that's all I wanted. When it started to get more graphic than that, things like, 'I want you to #### me' I stopped it straight away and told her she had the wrong idea. Obviously it was too late.

 

Think about why, really, if your home life was fine, you even let this begin, let alone escalate.

 

I don't understand your thinking here. I let this begin because it is who I am and what I do, I flirt with women, nothing major and no secret is made of it. Just harmless fun. As I said it is done in front of my wife and their partners and no-one had ever thought it overstepped any boundaries.

 

And I never let it escalate. As soon as I realized she was taking it seriously and wanting to pursue it I stopped it immediately.

[TaraMaiden]

My H. would never flirt with a young lady by telling her she'd look 'hot' in something. Particularly if she was young enough to be his daughter.

There are boundaries you just don't cross, as a married man.

 

Flirting with someone half your age, connected with work is insanity, and I'm astounded that as someone who has been with the company for as long as you have, would be completely blinkered to that.

[mybigdogjoe]

Flirting with someone half your age, connected with work is insanity

 

Yeah, no kidding, my lesson has been learnt there.

[TaraMaiden]

Good,

Put any plan you consider viable, into action, learn from the experience, and evaluate boundaries.

And begin to think about others more.

 

Christmas is a time for giving.

 

Give others the consideration they deserve, and understand that life - in any realm, in any sphere, in any situation - is not just about you, and what happens to 'you'.

 

Good Luck. Let us at least know how it goes.....

[xxoo]

Tell your wife. Tell her every detail. She's adult, and you are supposed to be partners. She is supposed to be the person you talk to about these things.

 

If you can not, what does that say about your marriage?