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How many chances do you give this?


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sofrustrated25

I have been married for 12 years. One child.

I have been told my marriage is a sham but somehow I keep giving it hope.

 

My husband has done many bad things, including threatening suicide when our dogs attacked our child and I asked to have them living outside away from our son. That was a long time ago. 5 years... Since then we have developed new problems. Money... He doesn't want to downsize and wants me to file bankruptcy alone so his credit is salvaged.

 

He cooks and cleans but makes silly threats when I ask him to pick up a second job. Said he would work at Walgreens overnights and then go straight to his day job. When I called his bluff... He conceded that he couldn't do that.

 

Now we have no sex. I have told him over and over that it's an issue. He says that I seem "too stressed and he doesn't want to inconvenience me".

He masturbates i believe instead. When we used to have sex all he wanted to do was have me jerk him off.

He is nice when I don't ask him to reduce our expenses our change behavior. We don't fight unless I bring those things up.

 

But he's ridiculous. Last week I told him if I was going to file bankruptcy alone that I would need a credit card for my business expenses (my second job). He offered me his sears card. I told him the sears card couldn't be used elsewhere and he told me I was wrong because it said Citibank on it.

 

 

So why is it I feel stuck in this marriage? I get mad and say I'm going to leave but then back down... I don't know why I think that the above behavior it just semi normal. Maybe it is? Please tell me your objective view?

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Certainly is not normal behavior. As a husband, he should be willing to take care of his wife, kids, and other needs of the house willingly. His refusal at a second job, well, that might be more common; then again he still should. He out-right refuses to have sex with you, taking a huge part of connecting, and adding to the stress.

 

He seems immature. Threatening suicide? Come-on man! You have a family to take care of. He seems to only care about his needs, as he wants you to sacrifice yet again: bankruptcy? Honestly, I wouldn't tolerate his behavior. I certainly will not say divorce him.

 

Another poster can tell you that; as I am unwilling to...As I do not want to cause extra hurt to areas I am not sure of. But would I take it? No. Changes, and dramatic changes would have to be swiftly made.

 

In the end this husband of yours needs to do something, he needs to man-up, and take care of his wife, her needs, his kids, and himself better than he does as an immature boy, in a man's body.

 

But like I said, I am not experienced in marriage, so take what I say with a grain of salt, which, anyway...I suck at advice it seems so.

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sofrustrated25

What is hard is the fact that my anger wavers with him. Why can't I see this like you and the majority of the population?

 

He acts so nice and makes me coffee... But all the while... Won't change when it comes to big things...

 

And a sears card?

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You care for him. That is why. If not, you'd see what we see. He needs to manipulation. Yet he may never manup.

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sofrustrated25

So how do I wake up and smell the coffee? I have tried prayer... And finally got the gumption to see a divorce attorney, but I lost the nerve.

 

How do I get myself mad enough? Fed up enough?

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You get yourself mad by bringing up the exact issues that piss him off.

 

I have news for him. If you have joint credit card accts., the company WILL come after HIM once you file for BK. So he will be responsible for ALL the debt.

So go ahead and file BK. Would serve his smarta** right.

 

Trust me. After you file BK, you will immediately be offered credit cards because the companies know you now have nothing to pay for and are now able to make monthly pmts. to them.

 

He will have no choice but to get a second job or file BK himself. haha

 

Yes, filing BK does impact everyone. But it's not the end of the world and you may be better off afterwards. However, if y'all own a home jointly, be prepared to move just in case the bank comes to your husband to re-do the mortgage and he doesn't qualify on his own. Or the bank may still allow you on the mortgage but may want to re-do the mortgage at a higher interest rate because you filed BK.

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So how do I wake up and smell the coffee? I have tried prayer... And finally got the gumption to see a divorce attorney, but I lost the nerve.

 

How do I get myself mad enough? Fed up enough?

 

By understanding that 30 years from now you'll still be dealing with his crappy childish behavior if YOU don't change things!

 

So what if you argue? Use it to solve problems! Talk with a calm voice and state your intentions!

 

Do not file bankruptcy! That will affect you forever - in a negative way!

 

IF he's unwilling to change and make more effort to earn more money/reduce spending and engage in meaningful physical interactions with sex - you may as well end it.

 

He seems to be dragging you down - sometimes it's best to cut the chord and begin with a new spirit of living!

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Do not file bankruptcy! That will affect you forever - in a negative way!

 

QUOTE]

 

Bankruptcy doesn't affect you forever. It stays on your credit report for 10 years. However, all credit agencies do not pay attention to a bk if over 3 yrs old.

You can start rebuilding your credit immediately after a bk. Open a Fingerhut acct. or respond to the many credit card offers you will receive and make sure you always pay 10% over what your min. pmt. is for the month. Other places like The Swiss Colony for xmas or 7th Avenue is available to rebuild your credit.

 

I worked in credit for 15+ yrs. I know what they look at. ;)

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I would have never married, in fact, I wouldn't even date someone like this for too long.

 

Your husband seems to have mental instabilities. I am going to be blunt and say: those we choose to date/marry reflect a lot about us. That is, while your husband is abnormal....there must be a reason within you why you tolerate and even find excuses to say he is normal and why you have put up with him.

 

You say he is nice and makes you coffee.... I'm sorry, but a coffee machine can make coffee. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone who threatens suicide because you put your kids above the family dog, I mean wtf...this is really absurd OP! He has issues clearly,but so do you, for the fact that you've tolerated all this and are looking for excuses to continue, and the best you can come up with is he's nice and makes coffee.

 

Being nice is a dime a dozen. Being nice doesn't make you a good husband or a good father and surely does not erase or even begin to cover all that is so wrong here.

 

I would suggest probably some individual counseling or marriage counseling so you can have a professional tell you their opinions on this and give you all tips about going forward.

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