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Why is the marriage section mostly negative?


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BetheButterfly

Hello,

 

I hardly browse the marriage section anymore. Why? Because it's so downright depressing!!! :(

 

Why are most threads about marriage so negative? Is marriage a nightmare for most people?

 

Why aren't there more friends with uplifting experiences and good tips for marriage? Why are so many marriages in such trouble?

 

My husband and I have been married for a year. Granted, we are in our honeymoon phase, but I am so thankful to be married to him!!! :love: We love each other very much and are dedicated to each other. :bunny:

 

It makes me sad that I see so many threads in the marriage section that are full of despair. My heart goes out to everyone hurting in marriage. Maybe what the marriage section needs is some marriage counselors who can give of their free time to help people who are suffering. Also, we need more positive threads in this section!!!

 

I wonder if one reason why there's more negative friends than positive threads in the marriage section is because most married couples who are not undergoing issues don't tend to post about it? What do you think?

 

Anyways, to all those who are suffering in your marriage. I am sorry. :( It makes me sad and I really really really wish that your lives become joyful and happy soon, whether in your marriage or whether you (or your spouse) decide to divorce.

 

To all those who have happy marriages, we need to even out more this section and tell of our experiences, because it really is sad that the marriage section has turned out to be such a negative, sad section.

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Probably the same reason most threads on this forum are negative - people just post less when they're happy, I guess. :) I know the times I post the most about my R are when there is trouble in them, and when I am happy I don't make threads about it at all.

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BetheButterfly
Probably the same reason most threads on this forum are negative - people just post less when they're happy, I guess. :) I know the times I post the most about my R are when there is trouble in them, and when I am happy I don't make threads about it at all.

 

Good point. I have found my most favorite thread in this section!!!

 

It's

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/252457-i-am-such-lucky-gal

 

started by DonnaMaybe! :love:

 

I LOVE this thread but it won't let me post in it anymore cause it's been over 30 days. ? Hmmph.

 

Maybe we should start Part 2 lol.

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BetheButterfly
I think marriage is a nightmare for a lot of people who post here and that's very sad.

 

Yes I agree and it makes me sad too. I wish everyone who wants to and/or gets married has a wonderful and happy marriage.

 

 

While I will never get married again, I'd like to share a story about my happy marriage. I hope no one minds.

 

My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we went through some ups and downs like many young relationships but eventually married after college. We had a storybook wedding and built a lovely life together. One of the reasons that we did so much better than a lot of our friends who were having failing marriages was because even though we'd have arguments or disagreements occasionally, we never "got mean" with each other. I've heard people that profess to love one another say terrible things to each other in the heat of anger, and words hurt worse than anything else and are rarely actually forgotten. We made it a rule to never go to bed angry, even if we had to stay up all night talking it through and to never say anything that was designed to cut at one another in the heat of the moment. It worked, we communicated better than nearly every couple I know. We'd still fuss at one another of course, but it kept deep seated resentments at bay.

I remember we had a particularly stressful time after we had a miscarriage, a friend recommended marriage counseling to help us reconnect, because we didn't want to pull away from one another. I remember the marriage counselor telling us "You can say anything you want to one another in here, with no repercussions, it's a safe place" and we looked at one another, smiled and never went back, because WE were each other's safe place and it was just the reminder we needed to start talking to each other and not pull away. The idea of saying anything with no repercussions was ridiculous to us. Everything you say to someone you love matters.

On my birthday, he used to send my mother flowers, to tell her thank you for bringing me into the world. :love:

Thank you for letting me revisit those days this morning.

I am crying tears of appreciation after reading this. That is so beautiful!!! :love: Yes I so agree; it's so important to not be mean to each other and to be the safe place. I LOVE your quote "because WE were each other's safe place" Could I please put that on my signature? Also, could I please copy and put your post in the thread "Precious Memories in Marriage"?
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BetheButterfly
You can, but you probably don't want to attribute it to me. :) I'm the OW now... so people tend to discount a lot of what I say sometimes, but I did have a beautiful marriage and my role now, in what's basically a different life doesn't change that. :)

 

Do you mind if I ask what happened to your marriage? I am glad you had a beautiful marriage.

 

About you being an OW, as a married woman I personally do not like that idea...if my husband cheated on me, my marriage would be 100% over for me. However, I am not your judge. I very much hope however that the married lady knows and makes her own decision of whether to divorce or not based on her knowledge.

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BetheButterfly
I lost my husband a number of years ago at far too young an age. He was a great man and he gave everything for our country. I'm proud of him for that yet part of me is still angry at him for giving up everything so that I don't have him anymore but he did what he thought was right and it was respectable and his choice. I can't fault him for doing what he believed in. I just wish the cost hadn't been so high.

 

I understand you not being comfortable with my choices. It's why I told you.. I didn't want you to use my story, my words and then feel like I'd mislead you. There was never anything illicit about my marriage however. I do miss him every day.

 

Oh LFH,

 

I am so sorry. :( That is a tremendous sacrifice. Yes I agree I wish the cost had not been high in you losing your Love. :( However, he did what he believed in and I am sure he did so because he wanted you to be safe and thought that what he was doing would keep you and his family and country safe. I respect that and admire that. Thank you so much for telling about him.

 

I don't hate or disregard what you say just because of what you are currently doing. I'm not perfect either. Sadly, many marriages don't work out. I am curious if you hope that the MM and his wife divorce? It does make me so sad about infidelity because it hurts marriages and families. My darling Aunt, whose Dad just died, suffered from her first husband having multiple affairs while she was pregnant. :( She divorced him and has been for a long time married to a wonderful man who loves her and who, as far as we know, would never ever think of cheating on her. I still remember her crying though, when she found out about her husband's cheating. She and my parents are very close and she came to my parents' house when she found out. I was a young teen then and that's how I came to know the hurt that is infidelity, through seeing the pain in my aunt's eyes. I never could understand how he could have cheated on her. To me, my aunt is one of the most beautiful, kind, sweet, fun, and lovely women I know.

 

How she found out was by accident. She once answered his phone and the caller said that she had no idea that he (her first husband) was married... that's how she found out and she was glad she did but his infidelity sure hurt her. :(

 

Anyways, your current experience in no way negates your past experience and I would still like to use that quote because it is so true.

Edited by BetheButterfly
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Somebody help me please, everything in my life is great ;)

 

Here is the story of our great sexual encounter last night.

 

I just want to tell my life is so great, just read this and dream because your's sucks

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BetheButterfly
Somebody help me please, everything in my life is great ;)

 

Here is the story of our great sexual encounter last night.

 

I just want to tell my life is so great, just read this and dream because your's sucks

 

People need hope. Some marriage are good. If people just see the bad and not the good, that can be discouraging.

Edited by BetheButterfly
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My husband and I have been married for a year. Granted, we are in our honeymoon phase, but I am so thankful to be married to him!!! :love: We love each other very much and are dedicated to each other. :bunny:

 

We've been married longer, and feel the same as you do. I don't think there is necessarily a "honeymoon phase" that has to end. If you love each other and keep your marriage fresh, you can honeymoon for the rest of your lives.

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Because marriage in and of itself is in a terrible state these days. These posts reflect that. Look around you and ask yourself how many truly happy couples you know.

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Because marriage in and of itself is in a terrible state these days. These posts reflect that. Look around you and ask yourself how many truly happy couples you know.

 

Many, and they aren't wasting time on the internet telling strangers how happy they are.

 

For the billionth time, selection bias. The people who come here to post about their marriage are the ones having problems. Or do any of you think that someone sits down in the morning and says, "Gee, my spouse made the most delicious breakfast for us even though they were stressed out about a meeting they needed to run off to. I should see if there's a forum out there where people would like to hear about how considerate my spouse is and then argue with me in an attempt to convince me that I'm not actually happy and that my spouse is probably compensating because they're having a super secret quadruple affair with their boss, secretary, my best friend, and my sibling." ;)

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Many, and they aren't wasting time on the internet telling strangers how happy they are.

 

For the billionth time, selection bias. The people who come here to post about their marriage are the ones having problems. Or do any of you think that someone sits down in the morning and says, "Gee, my spouse made the most delicious breakfast for us even though they were stressed out about a meeting they needed to run off to. I should see if there's a forum out there where people would like to hear about how considerate my spouse is and then argue with me in an attempt to convince me that I'm not actually happy and that my spouse is probably compensating because they're having a super secret quadruple affair with their boss, secretary, my best friend, and my sibling." ;)

 

It's not just this forum. I am happily married but I realize my wife and I are the exceptions. Look around you and ask yourself if marriage is in a good state.

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It's not just this forum. I am happily married but I realize my wife and I are the exceptions. Look around you and ask yourself if marriage is in a good state.

 

I don't believe there's this entity called marriage which can be doing well or poorly. I believe that individual relationships will either be healthy or unhealthy. When someone's marriage fails, I don't say, "Oh no, marriage is in trouble!" I say those two individuals are better off not being married and those two individuals made some mistakes along the way which contributed to the end of the relationship. It's not an indictment on anyone else's relationship and it doesn't tell you anything about anyone else.

 

When I look around me, I see some people in healthy, happy relationships and some people in not-so-healthy relationships, sometimes happy and sometimes not.

 

But the original question in the OP is about this subforum here on LS. And the answer to that is always going to be selection bias. It's like asking why there aren't many happy, well-adjusted people in a psychiatrist's office or why everyone looks so sick in the ICU or how come firefighters never visit houses which aren't on fire. The majority of posters on this site come here with a problem and then never come back again. Of those who stay long term, like you and me, many don't post about happy things for various reasons. I don't do it because there are always plenty of irritating trolls ready to dissect and argue everything to death, and I refuse to share something positive only to have it sh-t on by some a-hole who wants everyone to be as miserable as they are.

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Marriage is a lovely thing, and with it comes great responsibilities and of course, it's a lot different when you are just in bf/gf R. Factor in the finances, and the stress plus the children, and other things. And sometimes you see your married couple friends happy but you wouldnt know they are going through some things that they just keep to themselves, or turn into forums like this :)

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BetheButterfly
I don't believe there's this entity called marriage which can be doing well or poorly. I believe that individual relationships will either be healthy or unhealthy. When someone's marriage fails, I don't say, "Oh no, marriage is in trouble!" I say those two individuals are better off not being married and those two individuals made some mistakes along the way which contributed to the end of the relationship. It's not an indictment on anyone else's relationship and it doesn't tell you anything about anyone else.

 

When I look around me, I see some people in healthy, happy relationships and some people in not-so-healthy relationships, sometimes happy and sometimes not.

 

But the original question in the OP is about this subforum here on LS. And the answer to that is always going to be selection bias. It's like asking why there aren't many happy, well-adjusted people in a psychiatrist's office or why everyone looks so sick in the ICU or how come firefighters never visit houses which aren't on fire. The majority of posters on this site come here with a problem and then never come back again. Of those who stay long term, like you and me, many don't post about happy things for various reasons. I don't do it because there are always plenty of irritating trolls ready to dissect and argue everything to death, and I refuse to share something positive only to have it sh-t on by some a-hole who wants everyone to be as miserable as they are.

 

That makes sense.

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BetheButterfly
It's not just this forum. I am happily married but I realize my wife and I are the exceptions. Look around you and ask yourself if marriage is in a good state.

 

I think around 50% of marriages nowadays end in divorce yeah? You and I are sort of like that too. We both were married to different people before, right?

 

With my first marriage, I divorced because we were both miserable. :(

 

With my second marriage, we are so happy and hope to grow old together!!!

 

It makes sense what SweetJasmine said that many happy couples don't often come to a forum where there are a lot of people who are hurting. That would be like healthy people going to a doctor's office even though they're not sick.

 

When I hear of physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse in marriages, that is so terrible and anyone in such a marriage should leave. It's not ok for someone to abuse another person.

 

But yeah, there are definitely people who experience happy marriages and/or not happy marriages. I have personally experienced a sad marriage and am currently experiencing a happy marriage. It seems to really depend on the couple involved and how they work together and live life together. If one person is an abuser however, that makes marriage a horrible state.

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I was married before and it was pretty much the marriage from hell but that is not what is behind my beliefs. I just see so much cheating, unhappy marriages, abuse, walkaway wives and you name it and it makes me understand why so many are so negative about marriage.

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I was married before and it was pretty much the marriage from hell but that is not what is behind my beliefs. I just see read so much cheating, unhappy marriages, abuse, walkaway wives and you name it and it makes me understand why so many are so negative about marriage.

 

Fixed it for you.

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BetheButterfly
Fixed it for you.

 

I don't think it's good to change someone's quote.

 

His point is valid in that there are marriages that are suffering, due to many reasons. The proof of that is in the # of divorces, which is pretty sobering.

 

However, it does make sense what SweetJasmine said that most happily married posters don't post about it on Loveshack.

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I actually see evidence of more happy marriages now, than I ever did as a kid. I was thinking earlier, that I wish I'd had more positive examples, after seeing the lovely, caring comments on FB, between a young couple (early/mid-thirties), who have three children - one, a new baby, the other two are the man's stepchildren, and he loves them dearly.

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I don't think it's good to change someone's quote.

 

His point is valid in that there are marriages that are suffering, due to many reasons. The proof of that is in the # of divorces, which is pretty sobering.

 

However, it does make sense what SweetJasmine said that most happily married posters don't post about it on Loveshack.

 

My point was that he bases all his opinions about real life relationships on what he reads online. Very unhealthy thing to do.

 

There are a lot more divorces now then say 30 years ago. Back then divorces were frown upon. Not so much in today's age.

 

I still know many happy couples out there, plus just think of the millions of couples out there who are not part of a web forum like this.

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Because when people marry men expect everything to stay the same while women want things to change.

 

Like their weight. And haircut. And sex drive.

 

It is true that people change. It is always so much nicer when people change for the better.

 

It is something I personally have to work on. When my husband and I got married, I understood from the start that he expects me to keep in shape and be physically fit. I understand that. It's my responsibility to make sure to do it, and he helps me.

 

About sex drive, I understand how that can be a big problem in marriages, when the sex drive changes or is different. I very much hope my husband and my sex drive doesn't change. It does scare me sometimes reading what other people are going through. :(

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I agree, it IS depressing. I will say it again - until the whole institution of marriage is updated to fit society's needs now (vs thousands of years ago when it was created), it will continue to deteriorate. Fewer will get married, more will get divorced.

 

It is my belief that too many people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. Many seem to stop trying once they feel they have a "locked in" relationship "for life". Many become complacent, and maybe even believe that an intimate relationship doesn't need to be nurtured, that it will just somehow carry on solidly for 50 years.

 

And, many stay in situations that are unhealthy and unfulfilling for them. Because maybe they believe that they are "supposed" to, or they somehow accept that this "is just how it is". Ugh. That makes me a little nauseous to even write - as I don't know why or where so many came up with this belief that they are supposed to be unhappy with their most significant relationship in this life.

 

I don't read here often, but when I do, it stands out to me too that there are SO many unhappy threads. And, it seems to be fairly reflective of what I see IRL. I know a few truly happy couples (or at least they appear to be) - but I know a LOT of very unhappy couples too. And tbh, the couples that seem the happiest to me are normally not married - but simply LT without the marriage. Not sure why the marriage certificate seems to "taint" the relationships in so many cases - other than the fact that it is a legal document and some believe that once it is legal, it is "locked in". ????

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