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Daughter's Wedding


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Hoping to get some feedback on an issue causing much friction between my wife and I. The backstory:

 

As the father of a beautiful young girl (she's now 28), I knew there would likely someday be a wedding in her future and that, as the parents of the bride, we'd be responsible for footing the bill. So when she was young, I set up a monthly investment plan towards that eventuality. By sticking with the program, we had accumulated about $20K towards the cost when she turned 20.

 

We were always upfront with things financial with our children and had told our daughter what we were doing and involved her in monitoring the progress. She has many wonderful qualities but is very stubborn, headstrong and picky - I can see how she'd be a challenge for any prospective beau and, for years, that turned out to be the case. In one of our infrequent discussions about the money, she asked "what happens if I never get married?" I told her the money would be hers for down payment on a house, etc.

 

So 3 years ago, after her latest LTR had ended and, graduated from college and a couple of years into her career, she did indeed decide she wanted to use the money to buy a house. My daughter is financially very conservative and responsible so her decision didn't surprise me. My wife was also enthusiastically on board with the decision even though I sat both of them down and explained that, since we were emptying the kitty, this meant no wedding fund. They agreed, she bought the house which she has owned since then. They've had a lot of fun fixing it up and, no surprise, my daughter had managed the house and her finances well.

 

So that brings us to the present and guess what? - my daughter has met Mr. Right. He's a fine young man and my little girl, having matured somewhat, has actually learned the value of compromise in a relationship. They seem very well matched and we're happy to have him in the family. Even before the recent engagement was announced, my daughter has said all the right things regarding the wedding. She told us she knows she already accessed the funds for the house and they're planning a small civil ceremony with a few friends and family members and then off to a short honeymoon they're paying for. She says she's perfectly happy with this and I have no reason not to believe her.

 

My problem is not with my daughter but with my wife who has now decided that we're denying her every girl's dream of matching dresses, flower arrangements and her dance with Dad in front of 200 guests. Also unspoken but implied, my wife is being deprived of her "Mother of the Bride" experience with her only daughter (we also have two boys and I have a son from a previous marriage) in this "once in a lifetime occasion". She also hints that this is what my daughter really wants but is obviously reluctant to tell me. Having put 2 kids though college and one through grad school with one teenager still to go, we'd have to take a sizeable chunk out of retirement savings to do so, something I'm firmly opposed to. My wife's response is that it's her money and and her decision too and so here we are.

 

Am I being unreasonable :confused: ??? I'm looking for some unfiltered LS feedback, both male and female, to help me decide if my decision to stand my ground is correct. I'm also hoping for some help in how to deal with my wife who is very upset over what she sees as a unilateral decision on my part. Thanks in advance...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Why can't they pay for their wedding? I didn't have my parents pay for my wedding. Did you do the same with your boys?

 

I really don't think some of those traditions are followed any longer. Majority of couples pay now.

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If it's her wedding your wife should respect her wishes. She is the one getting married plus you don't need to spend a fortune to have a nice wedding.

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She told us she knows she already accessed the funds for the house and they're planning a small civil ceremony with a few friends and family members and then off to a short honeymoon they're paying for. She says she's perfectly happy with this and I have no reason not to believe her.

 

What she and her fiance are happy with is what matters. Would your daughter even want the big party with the poofy dress, matching bridesmaids, 200 guests? You could always just let her know that mom wants to do xyz and have a big wedding and let her decide if it's something she would even enjoy. It's not fair for your wife to pressure you into digging into retirement funds for something that your daughter doesn't even want.

 

It's a minefield, and I feel for you. I'm getting married in 2 weeks, and we ended up doing more than we wanted thanks to pressure from both moms, but particularly mine. Take it from me, the "you should do something bigger/more expensive/grander/more complicated because it's once in a lifetime!" BS only adds more stress, regardless of who's paying. If your daughter wants to keep it simple, you'll have to stick up for her.

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I would sit both your wife and your daughter down together and see what's going on. Your wife says it's your daughter's dream but maybe she is just trying to guilt you into something your daughter doesn't even want.

 

And if that's the case then your wife is wrong. It's your daughter's day, not your wife's.

 

But find out how everybody feels about it. Talk it out together.

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First off, thanks all for the responses, especially the female ones. My wife says that I'm genetically incapable of understanding the importance of the reception.

 

Got It - Only one son married so far and we paid for the flowers and rehearsal dinner, typical "parents of the groom" stuff.

 

Woggle - I think on some level my wife is compensating for our own very modest wedding. We've also recently attended several family/friends weddings that were huge events. Per your wedding show comment, I actually know someone who was on "Say Yes to the Dress". They were divorced 18 months later...

 

Sweetjasmine - Thanks for your feedback. What have you done to deal with the "bigger is better" pressure?

 

Amaysngrace - Let's say we sit down and my daughter confesses that she really would like a large traditional wedding? I'd almost rather not have the conversation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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In a sentence?

Stick to your guns.

 

Indeed. You'd be doing no one any favours to throw money away needlessly.

 

Or gift the same amount to each child, simultaneously.

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Talk to your daughter whe knows she is not being deprived of anything.

She has a house instead of pictures from a party.

 

Have your daughter explain to her mother that a big wedding just isnt something that is important or attractive to her. That she doesnt want it.

 

Then your wife can roconcile herself to simply throwing the mother of all engagement parties.

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Or gift the same amount to each child, simultaneously.

I'm not really worried about balancing the ledger here, plenty of time for that when I'm gone (unless I'm successful with my plan to spend it all except the funds necessary for a good Irish wake :laugh:). And in looking back, we have probably come close to treating each child the same in times both good and bad...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Talk to your daughter whe knows she is not being deprived of anything.

She has a house instead of pictures from a party.

Exactly how I feel but I'm not sure we're in the majority. As I said before, we've gone to a number of receptions in the last couple of years where, having at least some passing knowledge of the parent's financial point in life, I've been amazed at their willingness to leverage, loot and borrow to throw a $25K+ event. Makes no sense to me but again, my wife says I just don't understand. To her, it isn't a financial matter but more of a cultural one, along the lines of what many Hispanic families do to throw elaborate Quinceanera's...

 

Mr. Lucky

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First off, thanks all for the responses, especially the female ones. My wife says that I'm genetically incapable of understanding the importance of the reception.

 

That's pretty insulting. It has nothing to do with genes, and how much value you place on a reception has nothing to do with your gender. It's what you make of it, and some people really don't care.

 

Woggle - I think on some level my wife is compensating for our own very modest wedding. We've also recently attended several family/friends weddings that were huge events.

 

Well, there you go. She's probably worried about what all those people will think of your daughter's wedding if it's not some huge event.

 

Sweetjasmine - Thanks for your feedback. What have you done to deal with the "bigger is better" pressure?

 

There's been a lot of arguing and stress as I try to hold my ground on things that are important to my fiance and me without hurting anyone's feelings. We made the major decisions ourselves without soliciting input from anyone. We picked our locations, ceremony readings/vows, etc. on our own without telling anyone anything, so there was no pressure there while we were deciding. But there has been complaining, nagging, and pressuring after the fact - why did you do this, why didn't you do that, why don't you change this to that, you should do this or that. It's maddening. I've also been making a lot of things by hand (invitations, centerpieces, decorations), and that has actually helped keep things a little more sane. There's no pressure to spend $500 on fancy invitations if you've bought the supplies to make your own. ;)

 

I've caved in on a few minor things. I didn't want a huge, long veil, for instance, but I let my mom pick that one to avoid the headache. It's a waste of money, but she insisted on paying for it, and if it helps keep the peace, I'll wear the stupid thing for 30 minutes.

 

It's been difficult to balance everything. I find myself repeating the same few things to my mother when she goes on a "bigger is better" tear: "it's a waste of money," "no one's even going to notice," "who's even going to remember that anyway?", "we could buy [something] with that money." It's just tough to break through that "my only daughter is getting married" fog, and I really think part of that phenomenon is moms having a hard time really letting their daughters go.

 

Amaysngrace - Let's say we sit down and my daughter confesses that she really would like a large traditional wedding? I'd almost rather not have the conversation...

 

If that's the case and if that's what she really wants, then you need to figure out how much you and your wife can reasonably contribute and let your daughter know that it's all you have to offer. It's insane to dip into retirement funds to pay for a wedding, no matter how badly someone wants a princess day.

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First off, thanks all for the responses, especially the female ones. My wife says that I'm genetically incapable of understanding the importance of the reception.

 

Got It - Only one son married so far and we paid for the flowers and rehearsal dinner, typical "parents of the groom" stuff.

Woggle - I think on some level my wife is compensating for our own very modest wedding. We've also recently attended several family/friends weddings that were huge events. Per your wedding show comment, I actually know someone who was on "Say Yes to the Dress". They were divorced 18 months later...

 

Sweetjasmine - Thanks for your feedback. What have you done to deal with the "bigger is better" pressure?

 

Amaysngrace - Let's say we sit down and my daughter confesses that she really would like a large traditional wedding? I'd almost rather not have the conversation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

my friend just got married ans she dealt with this. It was a nightmare especially since her mom wasn't paying for it. It let to a lot of fights, stress & tears.

 

At my wedding I was luck enough to get 10 grand from my parents and 10 grand from my in-laws. We had a lovely wedding.

 

I was mad at my mom though because they are not well off and I knew they never saved for my wedding and when I asked where the money was coming from she said she got some of her inheritance early. I later found out they took out an equity loan on the house.

 

I never would have taken the money if I knew that. Yes I wanted a nice wedding but I didn't want my parents to put themselves in a bad financial position.

 

Also if my husband and I didn't already own a house we never would have spent that on a wedding.

 

I would try to really talk to both your wife and daughter. even if you daughter wanted a big blow out it most likely wouldn't be the vision your wife has.

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Like others have said, I would talk to your daughter. I don't agree with your wife but she may be speaking correctly for your daughter. But this is a conversation you and your daughter need to have.

 

I just went to a wedding where they spent about 4K. One of the best weddings I have gone to. :D

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Female.

 

I think the priority would be to keep things fair to all kids. Preferential treatment has long term side effects.

 

If your daughter wants that wedding, they can save for a couple out years. She seems a responsible person.

 

It might be more efficient to offer a vow renewal to your wife, if you suspect it's about her, and not your daughter.

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I think you are correct to stand your ground, and also respect your daughter's decision as well...

Your daughter sounds like a treasure..

 

I think dumping your retirement money at this point would be foolish and very risky when your daughter is happy with the direction she and her groom to be have taken.

 

Not sure how to smooth it out with the wife but maybe your daughter could be the point person on that.

They might be able to compromise on something that gives them both the feeling they are after without having to dip into the retirement funds.

 

Congrats by the way.. on the new addition to the family

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If you get creative you can have a really nice wedding without spending a fortune. My wife and I got married in my in laws backyard which was catered by a local Italian place and it didn't cost much at all.

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My daughter is financially very conservative and responsible so her decision didn't surprise me ... She told us she knows she already accessed the funds for the house and they're planning a small civil ceremony with a few friends and family members and then off to a short honeymoon they're paying for. She says she's perfectly happy with this and I have no reason not to believe her.

 

I am a few years younger than your daughter but also very conservative financially. If she and her fiance are happy, so be it. I personally see a house as a bigger investment than a one-time wedding and I am sure that is something she will be able to enjoy with her fiance for many years as opposed to a wedding which is a one-time event. And when/if they want to move, the house is an investment that will help them in the future. Not so much for weddings. I get the sense that your daughter might be thinking along my line of reasoning, but it never hurts to check-in with her.

 

Your wife knew what the deal was when your daughter told you both she wanted to buy the house, perhaps she should've thought it over before enthusiastically supporting your daughter.

 

That said, I agree with Woggle, you can have a very nice, DIY wedding without spending a fortune. You said your wife really enjoyed setting up the new house with your daughter and I imagine that she's upset that she wont be able to plan the wedding with her daughter because it's going to be so simple; wedding planning is a huge bonding experience I take it. They can still plan a beautiful reception without the huge pricetag.

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Your daughter already decided she wanted a small ceremony. I think you should leave it at that, and let her pay for it. She is older now and has been on her own for quite some time. Let her handle this and pay for it. She chose to use the money you had reserved in order to buy a house, so let her live with that decision. Some of the best, most unique weddings I've been to have not cost much, but were made special because of the imagination and effort the bride put into planning it. Let her handle this the way she sees fit, and let her pay for it. You may want to offer to contribute one thing towards the wedding, such as the cake, or the photographer, but let her plan and pay for the rest.

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I'm also hoping for some help in how to deal with my wife who is very upset over what she sees as a unilateral decision on my part.

 

It is absolutely not a unilateral decision on your part, since you, your wife, and your daughter all agreed to spend the money on a house instead of a wedding. Your wife has now changed her mind, but that doesn't negate her prior agreement. Your wife really has no leg to stand on, here. The "it's my money too" excuse doesn't really fly, because it's not HER money too, it's "our" money that has been specifically set aside for "our" retirement.

 

Here's a suggestion, though, maybe it would work. Ask your daughter if she would rather have a big white wedding or if she's happy with what she's planned. If the civil ceremony isn't what she truly wants, then tell her she needs to save up for it, and that you and your wife can also be putting money aside during this time and you can match the amount your daughter saved. So, if daughter saves ten thousand, you and your wife will contribute ten thousand. And what that means is that you and your wife will need to cut back on a lot of expenses, like dinners out, trips, new clothes, whatever you spend money frivolously on. That way, if your daughter doesn't really, really want the big white wedding, she'll just be like, "Nah, I don't want anyone to go through that trouble. Suck it up, Mom."

 

Edit: Oh, and also, I'm a woman, and I don't care about having a huge wedding. In fact, I actively do not want a huge wedding. So this "genetically incapable of understanding the importance" stuff is hogwash. Far too often, weddings are for people other than the bride and groom, and that's not the way it should be.

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As soon as you mentioned that you would buy a house if she never got married, then I knew where that was going. :laugh: Suggestion: for your other kids, a clause needs to be added. :D

 

If you had no other children, then I would say pay for the wedding. Since you do have other children (and I presume girls?), then this will mean that you will be buying a house (or maybe a car) and paying for a wedding if you do it for your first daughter.

 

If I were in your position, then it would be very difficult to protest against this logically if your wife is not using logic. However, if your daughter is truly okay with a civil ceremony and even if necessary a small reception, then by all means, it should be as she wants. This cannot be about your wife.

 

This does not mean you have to dictatorially "man up" and make a huge rift in the family. But it does mean that sitting down and rationally discussing it this weekend IS necessary. And it does need to be pointed out that this already was agreed upon by all parties back when you helped get the house. This is not about you suddenly being a Scrooge.

 

Your generosity in providing a house to your daughter is already commendable. Paying for her wedding, too, is not good for her. As was said, she and her new husband can pay for the wedding. I know we paid for ours, as we both were no longer at home. Your daughter and her new husband need to be independent and this is the start.

 

BTW, I assume they will live in her house? If not, then they will sell it? Financially, you have already given them a great start. Your wife needs to talk to your daughter and future SIL about providing her with her dream Mother of the Bride reception and not you.

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Does your W work full time?

 

Is she willing to push back her retirement the amount needed to fund the wedding? Or is she instead pushing YOUR retirement back by doing this?

 

First off, thanks all for the responses, especially the female ones. My wife says that I'm genetically incapable of understanding the importance of the reception.

 

Got It - Only one son married so far and we paid for the flowers and rehearsal dinner, typical "parents of the groom" stuff.

 

Woggle - I think on some level my wife is compensating for our own very modest wedding. We've also recently attended several family/friends weddings that were huge events. Per your wedding show comment, I actually know someone who was on "Say Yes to the Dress". They were divorced 18 months later...

 

Sweetjasmine - Thanks for your feedback. What have you done to deal with the "bigger is better" pressure?

 

Amaysngrace - Let's say we sit down and my daughter confesses that she really would like a large traditional wedding? I'd almost rather not have the conversation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Why can't they pay for their wedding? I didn't have my parents pay for my wedding. Did you do the same with your boys?

 

I really don't think some of those traditions are followed any longer. Majority of couples pay now.

 

I agree! 20k? I had a nice modest wedding of 50-60 guests for 7k for everything. And that 7k came out of our pockets. And it was all over within a few hours. I definitely think 20k towards a house is a much wiser investment. If your daughter wanted her dream wedding, she could have saved up her own chunk with her fiance and had something nice and simple. She wanted the house instead, which sounds practical to me. I think you should stand your ground. I know a lot of people in their 40's before they get married and some who've never been married at all. Everyone is different and while it would be nice for mom, things don't always happened as we've planned.

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