never93mind Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) To make my story short, I(31 y.o) recently married a beautiful lady(29 y.o) who I dated for 1 year and unfortunately have had signs of BPD (i.e., extremely insecure, having bulimia and cutting problems, double standards, such as secretly watching pornography but forbidding it for me, sever fear of being abandoned, Intolerance of being alone, secretiveness) because of her past abusive relationships and loss of father when she was three years old. For example, she was checking my emails and usually she was under the impression that I wanted to cheat on her. I connected her insecurity to her past relationships and let her sooth herself by checking me to assure herself about my fidelity. She tested my morals several times and she said that she would never cheat on me and wants to make sure that I have the same set of morals. I was having a tough time obeying her high morals. But, I assumed that her high standards, at least, applies to both of us. She has no understanding of boundaries. She invades my boundaries but she fails to keep others from invading her boundaries by thinking that she is too nice. When we started dating, I was going through a tough time at school and she was very supportive. She was amazing. She was the best girl that I had ever met in my whole life. We had lots of stress. The problems started after I proposed and we got engaged. We bought our new house and moved in our new house. We were having a stressful life related to my school, buying a new house, getting married, and so on. Over a period of five to six months, I felt that we are developing distance as we were having huge fights over little things. For example, most of the times she was too tired for having sex. It was unusual given her past high sex drive. I could not understand the root and I started secretly checking her computer, i.e., I turned on google history without her knowing. About two months before our wedding ceremony, I noticed that she was watching porn quite often but it was OK with me as I thought maybe she wants some more excitement. Then, I noticed that she had googled “married sexually attracted to coworker.” It was a huge shock for me. I was hurt and I just wanted to leave so I bought a ticket to Canada the same day. On my way to the airport, I called her and questioned her about what she had googled. She was embarrassed and said that it was for a coworker. I did not believe her and asked her not to lie. She said she needs to see me in-person. She came to the airport and said that she was having sexual dreams about a random coworker. I believed her and told her that it was OK to be sexually attracted to a coworker but the only reason for me being hurt is that she hid it from me and kept it as a secret. I left to Canada for 4 days to give her a lesson that I am not always there. She got back to work the same day. We were talking over the phone continuously when I was in Canada and having on/off moments. When I got back, I noticed that the distant is still there. For example, one day I noticed that she came back from work and went straight to the bathroom to change her cloths (later I noticed that she had been to a happy hour with coworkers including this boss and she wanted to secretly clean the stamp from her hand). I was suspicious and started to check her history again. She was deleting her history and did not know that I am searching the history of her googles from her account. At one point, I noticed that she had searched for her boss’s pictures after watching porn. That rang a bell for me. I begged her to tell me the truth or at least talk to a marriage counselor if she does not feel comfortable with me. We ended up going to marriage counselor together. But, she cried and repeated the same story about dreaming about random coworker. When I told her that I knew about her boss, she was shocked. From this day until our wedding night, she made up stories, lied, and I had to interrogate her to get the truth and everytime her stories changed. I ended up noticing that the same day that I left to Candada, she had been alone with her boss (who was drunk and came from a happy hour) from 10:30 to 12:00 on a Friday night. But, she swears that nothing happened. After several days of interrogation, she said that they had talked inappropriately, for example, about why girls in certain parts of world would have anal sex to remain virgins, but she insisted that it was a casual conversation and it did not have sexual tone. She insists that the boss did not know about her attractions and everything was only in her head. She does not accept having even an emotional affair. Apparently, the boss was hitting on her and even mocked our marriage. She ended up filing a sexual harassment case against this boss because of several inappropriate talks that her boss had. At this point, she says she has told me everything but I can trust her any more. she is insecure and I think she needs my full attention all the time, if not she is going to look elsewhere for it. Her ex had also send her emotional emails that she hid and kept as a secret. Basically, for everything I need to show an evidence before she could open up and talk to me about it. I decided to go for a divorce but she keeps begging me not to leave her. How do you see the future of my marriage if I stay? Edited July 4, 2012 by never93mind Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I don't know if this girl is BPD or not, but you had plenty of warning about how she is. No matter what you do from now on, you need to talk to a lawyer, and get your things straight, do not let her file first because she can control the process then. I don't see a future for the both of you, mostly because she suffered no repercusions for her actions and she broke every deal you had with her [a staple of BPD ppl]. The more you get entangled with this woman the harder it will be to file, and if you have kids [be carefull now because she may decide to have kids with you anyway ... i would use a condom or give up sex with her] you will always be linked. When she knows or feels that you will move on, she will get very lovey-dovey with you. She might even sabotage her BC and bring a truly innocent life into this mess. Be carefull, and google 'shrink for men' ... it's a site with good advice. PS: I don't believe her boss sexually harassed her considering what you have written, so be carefull about false allegations of DV or physical/emotional abuse ... TALK WITH A LAWYER NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Run Forest, run. Your W is an emotional mess, and unless she gets SERIOUS help, it will get worse. If she hasnt cheated on you yet, she will. I think she and her boss probably already have.. Cut your losses and get out now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Not sure how your marriage will go, but my sister is BPD and here's how her marriage turned out: After years of suicide threats & attempts, cutting, bulimia, alcohol abuse, constant lies (she lied that he hit her), and neglecting their child, her husband had finally had enough. He left her, and moved him & their son from Baltimore to Seattle because he needed to be far enough away from her drama. In the years since that happened, she is no better after tons of therapy, different meds, inpatient stays, etc. Now she is making my parents life hell. I can't deal with her anymore, she was causing all kinds of drama in front of my kids and my husband won't let our kids around her. If you stay, please do not have kids with her. She will not be a good mother because she is not capable of putting her childs needs before her own. My poor nephew feels so abandoned and has emotional problems because of my sister's BPD. The inconsistency can really mess up a kid- one day she'd be wonderful doting mother, one day he'd be ignored, one day he'd get yelled at for asking for breakfast. She'd argue with him like he was a grown up and put guilt trips on him. At 4, she told him he'd ruined her life. It is not going to be an easy escape. One of the hallmarks of BPD is a fear of abandonment. Your leaving is going to bring that fear to the surface and she is going to pull out all the tricks in her manipultion toolbox to keep you there. She will play nice, make promises... when that doesn't work, she'll say "fine, go"...then she'll lay on the floor grabbing your feet as you walk out the door. Once your gone you'll get calls that she's going to kill herself, she might call your family & friends & tell them lies about you, she may call the cops and say you beat her. The possibilities are endless, but you can be sure that there will be drama, so prepare yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 You listed waaay too many red flags in this marriage. Run and do not look back! Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 How do you see the future of my marriage if I stay? Your marriage sounds like a LOT of work. And frankly, you are the normal one and she is not, so all the issues and problems are going to affect you more. You haven't been married that long -- cut your losses and divorce her. Why stick it out? You barely knew the REAL her before you married her. Next time dig deeper, and longer, before marrying. Link to post Share on other sites
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