I just wanted to get some advice, or maybe just get this off my chest... It is LONG so I apologise in advance but please read on because I do need some guidance and help here!!
I am 32 and have been with my husband who is 40 for 13 years, we have one little boy who is 4. We have been having problems for a while now in our marriage, although if you were to ask him he would probably say this is not the case, I think I am less satisfied than him. Bottom line is I am unsure whether I can stay married to him for that much longer because it has gotten to the point where I just hate having sex with him at all, I find it repulsive and am often very upset afterwards for reasons I can't really define; I ALWAYS fake it, try hard not to kiss him and pretend it is someone else. I fake it as soon as it seems realistic so that the sex lasts for hopefully no longer than around 5 minutes. We almost never cuddle afterwards, foreplay is extremely limited.
Our sexual problems have a long history, we started having problems in this way 10 years ago when he was very stressed at work; he began to sexually reject me which was very stressful for me because I was only 22 yrs old and it really impacted my self esteem. When we tried to talk about it he initially tried to say that I had gained some weight (I was 5 foot 7 and 123 pounds, an american size 2-4, I had at the most gained 1 kilo) which was VERY upsetting for me to hear. I did everything I could to take care of him because I knew he was stressed, all the housework, beautiful dinners, massages etc etc. After we talked about it it did get better, but generally he would only approach me for sex if he had been drinking or was hungover.
It pretty much continued in one way or another like this, us only having sex every month to six weeks, which I just accepted even though I had really tried EVERYTHING. He did not want to talk about it (in my experience 'talking' about problems is rarely a good idea with him), I bought and wore nice lingerie, never said no to sex and was a very good 'wifey', he has always been very well taken care of, much more than most of my friends husbands are ha ha! Then after we had our little one something in me changed, I was nearing 30 and felt more assertive, I was no longer willing to just take what was being handed out and wanted to be with someone who clearly WANTED me, after we had our little one we went for a period where we did not have sex for SIX MONTHS. I snapped and angrily confronted him about it...told him that if he didn't even want to have sex with his own wife that he could f&^k off and go marry someone else. The next morning he said that if it wasn't for our boy we should just seperate and that we should never speak of it again. But it worked, he changed from that conversation and began approaching me more and I really think seeing me in a different light.
That was 3 years ago now and we are pretty much back to where we were, having sex every month or so, except now I have given up and I really resent him. I hate it, I never kiss him outside of sex and we don't hug in bed anymore. Just recently it has gotten to the point where I feel very very upset after we have sex, like I am a prostitute or something it is hard to explain. If I were to be really honest with myself I would say I am in mourning for the last 10 years of my life spent wondering whether I was attractive or not, and being made to feel like I wasn't at a time when I was in my peak (early to late 20's). I WASNT unattractive, god in that period I was approached in the street to model 4 times, constantly had unwelcome attention from other men etc but still felt bad about how I looked. I never had an affair and am fairly sure (although my girlfriends are convinced otherwise) that he didn't either.
I am pretty sure I haven't caused this. I have really tried to be a good wife and am a good mother, I pay all our bills, do all the housework, all the cooking, all the practical care for our little boy, and work 3 days a week. I regularly give him a break on the weekend so he has time to himself and have no issue with him devoting up to 20 hours a week on his hobby. He is a hard worker and an excellent father and intellectually we have much in common, but he can be very selfish and I can be too passive.
I am angry at him and I don't think we can come back from this, I think the spark has been annihilated not just blown out; the thought of living like this for another 16 years until my son is grown makes me feel overwhelmingly sad, like I just have to accept that this it it for me? I do not want another child with him. A few years ago I felt like just running away but now I have slowly come to accept it.
So bottom line is, this has a long history, I am very unhappy but I want the marriage to work for our little boy. I can't think of anything else I can do and am really not willing to be the one doing all the work anymore anyway. In his book counselling is not an option because if a marriage is that bad it needs counselling it's too broken to fix. If I tried to take him to counselling I am pretty sure he would just want to end it. I am really not sure where to go to from here.
Just recently it has gotten to the point where I feel very very upset after we have sex, like I am a prostitute or something it is hard to explain.
You don't kiss or hug or connect at all outside the bedroom, so yeh... sex is going to be unsatisfying. It's not the result of a fire you feel for each other, but a necessary physical release.
How is your marriage outside of sex? Are you holding onto resentments that get in the way of building connection?
If I were to be really honest with myself I would say I am in mourning for the last 10 years of my life spent wondering whether I was attractive or not, and being made to feel like I wasn't at a time when I was in my peak (early to late 20's).
So don't waste the next 10 years too. You can be attractive and feel attractive and own that feeling, no matter what your husband does. That comes from within you.
he can be very selfish and I can be too passive.
So there's where you start - on yourself. Perhaps you need to read books on how to be more assertive and how to get what you want out of your life.
the thought of living like this for another 16 years until my son is grown makes me feel overwhelmingly sad, like I just have to accept that this it it for me?
There is more to life than romantic love. Not saying that you don't deserve romantic love. But there are many ways to start creating purpose and meaning in your life and starting fires for yourself. What have you always wanted to do but haven't because of your husband? What would happen if YOU start allowing YOURself to be a little selfish?
I can't think of anything else I can do and am really not willing to be the one doing all the work anymore anyway.
You need to be doing the work for yourself. If you do that, your marriage is either gonna get better or worse. If you change yourself, the dynamics of the marriage will have to change as well. Maybe if you start becoming more assertive and happier, your husband will gain respect or attraction for you. Or maybe if you start becoming more assertive and happier, your husband will fight it and you'll have to make a decision to leave.
But either way, working on yourself is the way to go!
you clearly have lost respect for your husband and you have probably fallen out of love with him. This is what long term rejection does to you. I know because I've been there. Without the emotional connection, sex becomes mechanical, to the point yo'd rather not have it. Maybe some counselling could do the trick, but I doubt it at this stage. You are quite young. I would consider a new life with a man who actually appreciate you. You''ll realize what you've been missing all these years. These situations are soul destroying.
I feel for you. You're in a tough situation and as pro-marriage as I am, there are just times when it's better to move on and you'll find that if you let children hold you back from doing what needs to be done, it's typically not worth the effort because kids detect unhappiness and then they have to grow up in that environment which isn't fair to them.
You're still young, you sound like you're still attractive. And frankly, your husband sounds self-absorbed, self-interested, and has very limited interest in you. When you wrote he spends 20 hours a week on his hobby, I'm sitting here reading that thinking, I'd be more interested in spending the 20 hours with my wife, and a lot of that time, in the bedroom. In other words, something isn't right in your marriage and you've obviously figured that out.
What you're describing isn't a normal marriage at all.
And when you're repulsed by sex with your husband, the resentment that's built up over the years, may just be too much to recover from.
Additionally, when he's saying that a marriage that needs counseling is to the point where it can't be fixed, he's naive. It's just that simple. Counseling can and often does help. It won't work for those uncommitted to the marriage, but for open minded individuals who desire to save their marriage, it can be very helpful.
My vote is move on. You've given this guy some of the best years of your life. Find a man who is going to appreciate everything about you. A man in love with his wife doesn't treat her like he treats you, and if he was normal, he'd desire sex with you far more than he currently does endymion. Find someone who is going to spend that 20 hours a week with you doing far more mutually enjoyable things, if you follow my meaning.
I say you do what you did before...confront him directly. No passivity (which you listed as a problem for you). Be blunt. We spice up the marriagr or I am outta here. You've already said it worked last time. Screw his reluctance totalk about it. Talk about it or lose your marriage, pal. Marriage is hard and it's a two way street. I would also make marriage counseling mandatory. If he wants to walk instead of talk through this, see you later. You can't live this way indefinitely. You know it is not sustainable and that's why you are here.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.