End of my rope

[bigdaddy]

I have been married for 15 years. I love my wife dearly, and she loves me. I could see being with no one else. But, she has some major relationship issues that we have discussed on numerous occasions, and she is not making any changes.

 

The issues are:

 

--Affection - She has initiated kissing maybe once or twice in 15 years, counting the time we were dating. She sees nothing wrong with this, and it doesn't click that it's highly unusual. She also sees nothing wrong with the fact that as a couple, we've never had a single passionate night where we've made love for extended periods of time. This is somewhat of a foreign concept to her. Granted, now we are in our mid-40s and past our prime, but we've never had any of these passionate evenings where love making occurred multiple times.

--Trust - When she expresses a need, I make every effort to take it seriously, remember it and work on it. When I express a need (emotional, relational, physical, whatever), she completely forgets it time and time again. We have discussed this dozens of times but she is not changing. No matter what need I express, 2 months later is has been completely forgotten and she acts like it's a new concept.

 

The trust is really the big issue. Let me give some examples.

 

My wife loves to let our 8 year old sleep in our bedroom on the weekends. It's a fun thing, and I understand why she enjoys it. 4 months ago I mentioned to my wife that it would be nice if at least once a month if we could have a couples weekend.

 

Well as my wife typically does, she responded and we had a night to ourselves the next weekend, but then she proceeded to forget my request and we haven't had a weekend since. I asked her about it last night and she had completely forgotten about it.

 

This happens on EVERY request I make. EVERY request...literally. She forgets every request I make and it's getting to the point where I am starting to think about divorce because I can't take it anymore.

 

Another example...

 

About 12 years ago I started to ask why she had no interest in sex. She would claim she is interested, we would have sex, and then unless I mentioned we weren't having sex, she would all but ignore me. This pattern has continued to no end. As long as I stay silent, she slips into her comfort zone and all but ignores me. At one point we had no intercourse for 6 months.

 

Name any issue/subject in our relationship and it's the same story. I will tell her something important, and unless I keep bringing it up she will completely forget it. This is far, far more than just sex. Sex is merely the tip of the iceberg.

 

She forgets everything I bring up. It's like she doesn't care. I have no trust anymore. I don't have a clue what is taking place. She is so wrapped up in her own world that I don't know what else to call this other than extreme selfishness.

 

If she asks for something, I give it. I remember it, work on it, and don't forget it. If I ask for something and remain silent, 2 months later she has completely forgotten the topic.

 

I think about her all the time. I want to be with her, I tell her, touch her and talk to her. But unless I mention something like, "hey you aren't giving me any time", she could literally go years without wanting to have a couples night, or doing anything romantically spontaneous whatsoever.

 

In summary...It's like I don't exist unless I scream at the top of my lungs that I'm alive. These "screaming" (not really screaming, but you get the point) sessions are becoming more frequent as I grow depressed and more lonely. I'm at the point right now where I feel I need to completely disengage any physical relationship just so I can keep my sanity.

 

I welcome any thoughts or feedback. I don't know what to do anymore. All my needs are lost in time.

Edited April 18, 2012 by bigdaddy

[Ninja'sHusband]

Maybe hand her this exact thing you just typed up? She needs to know how serious this is.

[CarrieT]

we are in our mid-40s and past our prime

 

I've got news for you buddy; you are far from being past your prime. Considering the average life expectancy is a man is in his mid-80s, you are exactly half-way through life.

 

The big question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this the way I want to live the other half of my life?"

 

It sounds like your wife completely disqualifies you - not only as a man, a sexual being, and a provider, but also as a husband and fellow human being.

 

I understand you love your wife dearly, but her level is disrespect is pretty offensive and if she isn't willing to enter into marriage counseling, I would seriously recommend you consider divorce. There are certainly a lot of women your age who would love the attention you are giving your undeserving wife.

[Forever Learning]

I've got news for you buddy; you are far from being past your prime. Considering the average life expectancy is a man is in his mid-80s, you are exactly half-way through life.

 

The big question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this the way I want to live the other half of my life?"

 

It sounds like your wife completely disqualifies you - not only as a man, a sexual being, and a provider, but also as a husband and fellow human being.

 

I understand you love your wife dearly, but her level is disrespect is pretty offensive and if she isn't willing to enter into marriage counseling, I would seriously recommend you consider divorce. There are certainly a lot of women your age who would love the attention you are giving your undeserving wife.

 

Both CarrieT and Ninja's Husband gave great advice. I fully agree.

 

I can give you a couple hints about what's going on here.

 

I was in a marriage for 16 years where I was in the same situation as you. He didn't give a rat's ass about my needs, wants or desires.

 

My spouse had a personality disorder, don't know whether or not yours does (mine was a narcissist/psychopath. Sounds dramatic, but it just means they lack sympathy/empathy basically in a nutshell.)

 

I did the marriage counseling thing. Here's the punch line on mine though - I did it ALONE - yes, take some time to laugh long and hard about that - for 2 years (pause for more laughter). He wouldn't go.

 

He finally did, but then lied to the therapist and/or ignored the suggestions. It was all to appease me & buy time. He didn't want to live on his own, pay his own mortgage, child support, etc, etc.

 

I don't think your wife cares much about sex. Let that sink in, first and foremost. Secondly, your wife has learned that ignoring what you ask for is easy. In 15 years, it never caused a divorce. So, she will continue this way forever, if you let her.

 

Insist on marriage counseling that YOU BOTH ATTEND, and/ or individual counseling to figure yourselves out, and then see if improvement occurs to your satisfaction.

 

If not, divorce her and move on. My divorce was final in the past year. I have never been so happy as I am now, with the prospect of a new life ahead of me. It is WONDERFUL. I am alive, once again. No matter what you do, don't continue 'as is'. Seek change to find happiness.

 

And OH YES, there is indeed passion out there for you, passionate individuals, and a full rich life. It is yours for the taking and the making. CarrieT was right, life is by no means over in your 40's. It is probably at it's very best. You know so much more about yourself, than you did in your 20's and 30's.

 

And there is still plenty of energy and life force within you, if you take care of yourself, eat right, get rid of unhealthy habits, etc, etc. It's true!!

 

 

I do hope the marriage counseling will work for you and your wife. But if not, have the courage to move on. All the best to you both.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Forever Learning

[findingnemo]

Bigdaddy, your W is taking you for granted and you need to tell her that. I agree that counseling is a good idea. At least there you can try to address this issue and figure put what she's thinking.

[bigdaddy]

Maybe hand her this exact thing you just typed up? She needs to know how serious this is.

 

Good suggestion.

 

Problem is we've had just about this word for word conversation 10 times in the last year. My tone is escalating out of frustration, and it's not a place I wish to go.

[bigdaddy]

 

The big question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this the way I want to live the other half of my life?"

 

 

No, not at all.

 

It sounds like your wife completely disqualifies you - not only as a man, a sexual being, and a provider, but also as a husband and fellow human being.

 

That's the way I feel. I have done everything I can to improve myself as a human being during the last 15 years, and to be a great husband and dad.

 

I feel like she's playing house, but not interested in being a wife.

 

I understand you love your wife dearly, but her level is disrespect is pretty offensive and if she isn't willing to enter into marriage counseling, I would seriously recommend you consider divorce. There are certainly a lot of women your age who would love the attention you are giving your undeserving wife.

 

We've had two stints of counseling over the years. One early on with both of us, and one with just me.

 

Perhaps another round is in order. The only issue I have is that it seems it can be hard to find a good counselor. the last one I was at just listened for 6 weeks and said nothing. It was like talking to a mirror. I guess I shouldn't let that dissuade me from round 3.

[bigdaddy]

I can give you a couple hints about what's going on here.

 

Appreciate it.

 

My spouse had a personality disorder, don't know whether or not yours does (mine was a narcissist/psychopath. Sounds dramatic, but it just means they lack sympathy/empathy basically in a nutshell.)

I have actually researched to see if she had some sort of disorder, as it is simply baffling how one human can repeatedly forgot important things expressed to them. I never found anything substantial though.

 

I did the marriage counseling thing. Here's the punch line on mine though - I did it ALONE - yes, take some time to laugh long and hard about that - for 2 years (pause for more laughter). He wouldn't go.

I did it alone the second time.

 

and/or ignored the suggestions.

This is why I went alone the second time. My wife lives in a world where everything is ok. "I do love to kiss." "I do value your needs." And then she forgets them...

 

I think she says these things as a defense mechanism, but is incapable of living them.

 

I don't think your wife cares much about sex.

I know, and understand. We've been there. My aim has always been to increase trust and intimacy. But I can't trust because of the stated reasons. Her words are meaningless.

 

Sex happens, but more so she can keep me from addressing the problems, if that makes sense?

 

Secondly, your wife has learned that ignoring what you ask for is easy. In 15 years, it never caused a divorce. So, she will continue this way forever, if you let her.

This is really the big point, and I appreciate you for bringing it up and slapping me upside the head with it.

 

I told her I want separate rooms and to cease the physical part of our relationship, but I'm not sure that is the proper solution to this problem. My head is still spinning.

 

If not, divorce her and move on. My divorce was final in the past year. I have never been so happy as I am now, with the prospect of a new life ahead of me. It is WONDERFUL. I am alive, once again. No matter what you do, don't continue 'as is'. Seek change to find happiness.

I appreciate your honesty. I have tried to pursue every possible option but divorce, but I am not sure what other paths are left.

 

I feel humiliated on a daily basis.

 

And there is still plenty of energy and life force within you, if you take care of yourself, eat right, get rid of unhealthy habits, etc, etc. It's true!!

I do. I'm actually a top level athlete for my sport, despite being in my mid 40s. Exercise is my life. I can't go into more details on the open forum, but this is my career.

 

Thanks for everything.

[Bellechica]

You're wife is a conflict avoider. She "fixes" things when you first mention them and then "forgets" when she doesn't want to do whatever "it" is until you bring it up again.

[standtall]

Big daddy..you're all talk and no action, and she knows it.

 

You cannot change her, you can only change the way you react to her..so far what you are doing(talking about it] is not working, so do something different. I would suggest getting yourself into some IC, then sign up for mC and put the ball in her court.

[bigdaddy]

Big daddy..you're all talk and no action, and she knows it.

 

You cannot change her, you can only change the way you react to her..so far what you are doing(talking about it] is not working, so do something different. I would suggest getting yourself into some IC, then sign up for mC and put the ball in her court.

 

I don't know what IC means. And I assume MC is marriage couneling.

[bigdaddy]

You're wife is a conflict avoider. She "fixes" things when you first mention them and then "forgets" when she doesn't want to do whatever "it" is until you bring it up again.

 

That sums it up perfectly.

[standtall]

IC=individual counseling

[bigdaddy]

 

 

She married you for other reasons--security, wanting a family, a home.

 

She has no passion for you now because she never did.

 

This has been a recurring topic of conversation. I am only the second serious relationship she's ever been in. The first one hurt her pretty bad mentally.

 

She was never passionate even when dating. She never had that spark or interest or desire.

 

We all know what it feels like to be wanted. I have never felt that with her. I can't say I married her for the right reasons, but now it's 15 years later, I have matured, and am trying to figure out how to iron out these bumps.

 

She is behaving the same way with you she always has.

 

And so are you. Asking her permission instead of taking what you want.

 

Thanks.

 

I am going to show her some of these quotes. I am going to remove the names and the forum, place them in a Word Doc and share them with her.

 

I'm sure she will ask what I plan on "taking".