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Have you been divorced? One time, or more? What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ? Do you feel you contributed to the demise? Did you want to divorce? Who filed? Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

Are you, or would you marry again? If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

I am interested in hearing the experiences of fellow LS members. There are lots of posts from people going through the misery, and lots of posts citing "facts" about statistics, etc.

 

I will answer myself, too, but first I need to do some chores.

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My first marriage ended in divorce. We were too young when we got together, we were not prepared for the routineness of daily life in the long term and we did not have the strength/coping tools to deal with things when it started to go wrong - it was all very sad because we knew we got on great in so many ways and did love each other.

 

The separation was fairly amicable and the divorce when it finally happened was a mutual decision - we had both met people we wanted to marry.

 

My marriage now to Wuggle is so much stronger and so much happier. Yes, we have had some awful problems but this was nothing to do with my first marriage. However one thing I had learnt from my first marriage was not to give up so soon, to try and see if you can work through the problems together which we did.

 

Whilst I have no regrets about getting married the first time, I regret how my ex and I let it end. That year when we split up was hell. But if that had not happened, I would not be with my Wuggle and be as happy as I am now.

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I've been married once before, and divorced. My ex husband and I had been wild and destructive youths together. I got clean and sober; he lagged behind me several years on that, but ultimately he did too and we married.

 

Sadly, he went back to drug use and drinking after many good years. He took all of our money, became abusive to me and our daughter, and bankrupted our business. I filed for divorce.

 

I took a big risk with the marriage, given both of our histories. We did have good years, and have a wonderful daughter.

 

I never speak or contact him anymore.

 

I did learn a lot in my first marriage; much of it was positive. I learned how to be companionable, to not sweat the small stuff, to show appreciation and gratitude. I also learned not to stay in denial when danger lurks.

 

I am married again (just since September) . I have little flare-ups of trust and self confidence issues sometimes that are a result of the bad things that happened to / in my first marriage. I nip them in the bud.

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The Blue Knight
Have you been divorced? One time, or more? What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ? Do you feel you contributed to the demise? Did you want to divorce? Who filed? Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

Are you, or would you marry again? If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

I am interested in hearing the experiences of fellow LS members. There are lots of posts from people going through the misery, and lots of posts citing "facts" about statistics, etc.

 

I will answer myself, too, but first I need to do some chores.

 

- Me (hand raised). :p

 

- One time divorced (that's enough) :(

 

What contributed to the end of our marriage was she was a grass is greener personality from the day I met her who had a lot of neediness and self-inflicted drama issues.

 

Our first seven years were fine, but being young and both of us somewhat headstrong meant constant headbutting.

 

Much of our problems had to do with her always wanting more and never being content with what she had be it a house, the last furniture grouping we purchased, her two year old car, etc. It wore me down trying to keep up with her "needs" all the time.

 

Some time after that she got involved with a guy who nobody who knew her would ever see her with. It was a quick affair without much sex since he suffered from ED it turns out (I know, that really broke my heart :laugh:)

 

He was quite a bit older but a loser in every sense. Still living at home with Mom and Dad at the time in his mid 40s; jobs that came and went, and still smoking dope like a teenager.

 

Later, a marriage counselor told her she had a Dad complex and was psychologically searching for men older than her husband (I was a year younger than she was). Her Dad was an abusive alcoholic and she never felt like she lived up to him which I'm sure played into the problem.

 

Anyway, after a second very weird short-lived affair I was emotionally detaching from her fairly rapidly. I still had three young kids so I wasn't going to leave her at that point, but she filed for divorce herself which ended things.

 

Of course I learned a great deal. I know I made mistakes in that marriage as anyone does. Nothing deserving of the way she treated me, but I made mistakes. I learned a lot from that and have been very mindful of never repeating any of those mistakes in my current marriage of 15 years. The girl I met was incredible and a complete opposite in the sense that she needed very little in the way of materials. She just liked being with me and that always seemed to be enough for her and it's been that way for the 16+ years I've known her.

 

I still have a good relationship with my ex. We get together a couple of times each year (yes, my spouse is there as well) and I've remained friends with her. I don't believe in harboring resentment or carrying around lacking forgiveness over my past issues. It was what it was and I moved on immediately. I think it was tougher for her husband to accept me as still being in her life (mostly because of the kids) but today he seems fine.

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Ah, marriage.

 

I too am divorced. Met my exH at 25, got married at 30, then divorced a few years after that. Things actually started falling apart right after the wedding. We got caught up in planning the most spectacular event, and to this day, my friends and family still tell me it was the best wedding they've ever attended. I won't even tell you how much it cost. 200 people, a huge tent decked out to the nines with fresh weeping willow hanging from the roof- chandeliers and hanging glass stars. Huge centerpieces that cost 200$ each and stood 3 feet high on the table... Fireworks, a bonfire... You name it, we did it.

 

THEN, the wedding was over and I think we looked at one another and realized we'd gotten so caught up in planning the event that we'd overlooked the fact that we'd been growing apart as people.

 

So many things contributed to the demise of his marriage. His mother was the number one reason, she was horrific. We also had a long distance marriage/relationship because he worked in another country.

 

I will tell people all the time "never get married"... But secretly I still want to have something special with someone again. I would never do a big wedding again though, lol.

 

He cheated, knocked up another woman where he was working in another country. Our marriage was already dead by the time that happened. We loved one another, but not romantically like we once had.

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Have you been divorced? One time, or more? What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ? Do you feel you contributed to the demise? Did you want to divorce? Who filed? Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

Are you, or would you marry again? If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

I am interested in hearing the experiences of fellow LS members. There are lots of posts from people going through the misery, and lots of posts citing "facts" about statistics, etc.

 

I will answer myself, too, but first I need to do some chores.

 

My wife and I are both second-timers. It has meant we appreciate what we have, and are careful about our relationship, because we know just how bad things can be. Our first marriages taught us both the value of respect, love and communication, and shared responsibility.

 

I was responsible for ending my first marriage, but the demise was probably there from the outset. I was too young and naive to recognise how toxic it was, and I believed I could fix my exwife. I seemed to be the only person she could stand to be around, after all! Luckily our children have finished school so we have no need for any kind of relationship.

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Married but never divorced, hope that doesn't disqualify me from answering.

 

My wife died. The one I call the ex I never married. Have always been grateful for that, she was a compulsive liar and serial cheat. Did I contribute to the break up? Hard to say, I did my best, but when your best is based on someones lies it's never going to be good enough.

 

Haven't spoken to her since she left. Have no intention of ever doing so.

 

What did I learn? How to shrug.

 

Don't know if I will marry again, I doubt it. I like being single and life is good. Although, a fire breathing, plate throwing, wildcat that can chew nails and sh*t bricks might tempt me to go down on bended knee again.

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Have you been divorced?

 

Yes.

 

One time, or more?

 

Two times.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ?

 

Main reason, no love.

 

First one, I met him when I was 16 and thought I'd be with him forever but we grew apart. We were married for 7 years and have a son together.

 

Second one, I was not in love with him but I needed support as I was going to school and had a small child. Things got much easier with him but the love never grew. We were married for 4 years.

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

 

No, I wish things would have been happier but you are not the boss of your heart.

 

Did you want to divorce?

 

Yes.

 

With the first husband it got to the point where I couldn't even be in the same room with him, everything irritated me.

 

With the second one we ended up being more like brothers.

 

Who filed?

 

I did, but it was mutual both times.

 

Did you learn anything?

 

How important it is to marry the right person, and that you can't make it happen with the wrong person no matter how much you try.

 

Do you have a relationship with your ex now?

 

Yes

 

If so, what's it like?

 

With the first one I talk about my son mainly, and it's not always very pleasant as we really grew apart and he has a different view on everything.

 

With the second one we are still friends and he is my best friend. We've been divorced for 11 years.

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

 

I would.

 

If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

I've been single for many years in my quest for true love. Not an easy task for me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Have you been divorced? One time, or more?

 

Once so far.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ?

 

Immaturity (we married right out of college).

Different personality styles.

Failure to find comfortable compromises.

Resistance to the notion of "changing who I am."

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

 

Yes.

And no.

 

We were drawn to one another's differences but those became our stumbling blocks once married. He liked my spirited, outgoing, non-linear nature while I admired his grounded, solid, contemplative style. I bristle at too much structure.

He loves and needs it. I bored easily and had a need for high adventure.

He wanted to settle into domestic life in the suburbs.

 

Perhaps we could have found a way to mesh the two but it never happened.

Did you want to divorce? Who filed?

 

No.

He filed.

 

 

Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

We see each other sometimes but speak regularly.

I greatly admire him.

He seems fond of me.

We exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas and advise one another on certain matters.

He is the best person I know.

 

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

 

I'm not sure.

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The Blue Knight
Have you been divorced? One time, or more?

 

Once so far.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ?

 

Immaturity (we married right out of college).

Different personality styles.

Failure to find comfortable compromises.

Resistance to the notion of "changing who I am."

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

 

Yes.

And no.

 

We were drawn to one another's differences but those became our stumbling blocks once married. He liked my spirited, outgoing, non-linear nature while I admired his grounded, solid, contemplative style. I bristle at too much structure.

He loves and needs it. I bored easily and had a need for high adventure.

He wanted to settle into domestic life in the suburbs.

 

Perhaps we could have found a way to mesh the two but it never happened.

Did you want to divorce? Who filed?

 

No.

He filed.

 

 

Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

We see each other sometimes but speak regularly.

I greatly admire him.

He seems fond of me.

We exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas and advise one another on certain matters.

He is the best person I know.

 

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

 

I'm not sure.

 

Your beard would have been the deal breaker for me. Just sayin . . . :D

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strength-abounds
Have you been divorced? One time, or more? What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ? Do you feel you contributed to the demise? Did you want to divorce? Who filed? Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

Are you, or would you marry again? If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

I am interested in hearing the experiences of fellow LS members. There are lots of posts from people going through the misery, and lots of posts citing "facts" about statistics, etc.

 

I will answer myself, too, but first I need to do some chores.

 

Yep, me too. I hated the way I looked, weighed 400 lbs, and took it out on her. I also hated my job and felt like failure.

 

Decided to join a gym, quit my horrible job and started my Criminal Justice degree. She told me she can't be married to cop and left. Little did I know she had been having an affair for 6 months prior to this.

 

She filed without any blocks from myself. At first I wanted to fix it but after some serious evalutions, I decided to not contest it because she was not cop wife material.

 

Since there was no children I have no reason to maintain a relationship with her. She has tried to reach out since I posted my weight loss pictures on my Facebook page but I firmly believe in NO CONTACT.

 

As far as getting married again, not while I live and breathe. I have to much going for me to subject it to another loss. I want nice clothes, new Vette, killer house, and all the other toys and I'm certain that a wife will change my mind from acquiring these "toys".

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Have you been divorced? One time, or more?

 

One time, after ten years, at age 51.

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ?

 

Generally, not enough clarity and too much benefit of the doubt. I would say our communication methods were subpar and unhealthy.

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?
Definitely. I was overwhelmed and made the poor choice of having an openly defiant EA.
Did you want to divorce?
Absolutely, once I clarified the circumstances and perspectives
Who filed?
We agreed my exW would.
Did you learn anything?
Yes, how to overcome fear and be more assertive and proactive. I see benefits every day from such lessons.
Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?
We exchange e-mails and share mutual friends. I don't feel we have a 'relationship', but I'll clarify something that was driven home just two days ago.

 

A good friend of mine didn't show up for work on Tuesday. A co-worker became worried and called the person's adult son. The son went to his home and found him unconscious. He had experienced a stroke and was later determined to have been unconscious and paralyzed since the prior evening. He's now in intensive care.

 

If my exW, not having children, were in similar circumstances, I'd do what needed to be done to make sure she was cared for. She has family so I don't think that would be an issue, but I'd still pursue it as appropriate. Myself, I could be dead a week before anyone would find me out here. Real eye-opener.

 

Are you, or would you marry again? If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

 

My outlook on marriage is unchanged and I expect future relations to be, as in the past, marriage-centric. The lessons learned from mistakes, being married, MC and divorce all blend to assist in selecting, in general, healthier and more compatible partners/friends/associates. In that regard, I see the past failed M as a gift; a gift of learning. Hopefully, as this week's lesson taught, there's plenty of learning, and living, left to do.

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I've been divorced twice.

 

The first marriage was just a marriage of convenience, though, so I don't know if that counts.

 

The second one, I was married 8 years. When we first got together, he was a pizza boy and I was a bagel girl. Both in college, although I was a bit more financially savvy than him. He moved in with me with nothing more than a bag of clothes and a mountain of debt.

 

He had children from another relationship, so couldn't really contribute much in those years towards bills. So I basically paid for everything. Living expenses, I paid off all his debt, I paid his legal fees, I paid off his cars, you name it, I bought it. I've always been a bit of a worker and I scrimped and saved and after repairing our credit, getting stable careers and investing our money wisely, we became significantly well off. So much so that we could, feasibly, both retire by the time we were in our late 20's. I did, briefly, but got bored and went back to work. During our whole relationship, I handled all the finances.

 

During the last year of our marriage, my ex encouraged me towards a business venture that was going to require me to put in some really long hours for a significant period of time. While this was going to a very interesting and emotionally fulfilling thing for me to try, it was going to be risky and after working 80-90 hours a week, I wasn't going to have the free time to handle things at home. My ex assured me that he would handle everything at home and I could just go forth and do this. I was very hesitant, but after a lot of pushing on his part, I went for it. My ex took over all the home duties, including our finances and managing our investments, retirement funds, and trusts for the kids.

 

Fast forward about 9 months, I was working non stop. NON STOP. I stop to get gas one fine morning and find out my credit card had been cut off. In fact, ALL of my credit cards have been cut off. My bank accounts drained. My investments liquidated, trusts emptied, retirement funds...POOF! Gone. Everything, everything gone.

 

I call the ex and he says he wants a divorce. He had spend the entire year (and likely more) cheating on me with a chick he met at a mall kiosk and draining our accounts and hiding all the money from me. Most of it, I will add, WAS MINE. Heck, a solid portion was mine before I even met him. (I inherited)

 

Did I contribute to the demise of the relationship? Sure, I'm not perfect. Will I ever get married again? I don't know. Part of me is deeply terrified of marriage. I guess when you spend 8 years building a life only to have it destroyed in what feels like a single day, that happens. But another part of me loves the comfort and stability of marriage.

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The Blue Knight
I've been divorced twice.

 

The first marriage was just a marriage of convenience, though, so I don't know if that counts.

 

The second one, I was married 8 years. When we first got together, he was a pizza boy and I was a bagel girl. Both in college, although I was a bit more financially savvy than him. He moved in with me with nothing more than a bag of clothes and a mountain of debt.

 

He had children from another relationship, so couldn't really contribute much in those years towards bills. So I basically paid for everything. Living expenses, I paid off all his debt, I paid his legal fees, I paid off his cars, you name it, I bought it. I've always been a bit of a worker and I scrimped and saved and after repairing our credit, getting stable careers and investing our money wisely, we became significantly well off. So much so that we could, feasibly, both retire by the time we were in our late 20's. I did, briefly, but got bored and went back to work. During our whole relationship, I handled all the finances.

 

During the last year of our marriage, my ex encouraged me towards a business venture that was going to require me to put in some really long hours for a significant period of time. While this was going to a very interesting and emotionally fulfilling thing for me to try, it was going to be risky and after working 80-90 hours a week, I wasn't going to have the free time to handle things at home. My ex assured me that he would handle everything at home and I could just go forth and do this. I was very hesitant, but after a lot of pushing on his part, I went for it. My ex took over all the home duties, including our finances and managing our investments, retirement funds, and trusts for the kids.

 

Fast forward about 9 months, I was working non stop. NON STOP. I stop to get gas one fine morning and find out my credit card had been cut off. In fact, ALL of my credit cards have been cut off. My bank accounts drained. My investments liquidated, trusts emptied, retirement funds...POOF! Gone. Everything, everything gone.

 

I call the ex and he says he wants a divorce. He had spend the entire year (and likely more) cheating on me with a chick he met at a mall kiosk and draining our accounts and hiding all the money from me. Most of it, I will add, WAS MINE. Heck, a solid portion was mine before I even met him. (I inherited)

 

Did I contribute to the demise of the relationship? Sure, I'm not perfect. Will I ever get married again? I don't know. Part of me is deeply terrified of marriage. I guess when you spend 8 years building a life only to have it destroyed in what feels like a single day, that happens. But another part of me loves the comfort and stability of marriage.

 

Just the fact that your finances were so well thought out makes you kind of attractive catch. ;)

 

Very impressive resume. Unfortunately you attached your cart to the wrong horse. What a douche he turned out to be. At least tell me he got his in the end. :confused:

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Divorced two years ago after a long marriage.

 

I guess you might say we lost spending time with each other and our Son was our main concern. She also married me for the wrong reasons. I was in love with her and she just wanted a sperm donner, a paycheck and she didnt want to live alone. The fact that she found her old HS lover online probably was the straw the broke the camel's back.

 

Yes I contributed to the demise of my marriage as well. Anyone that says they didnt is a liar AFAIAC. But it was mostly her doing. She was cold, critical and emasculated me daily so my response was to push back from her. That was the end of it. She filed. She woke up one morning and told me she no longer loved me and we were living just like roomates. Ironically, she is the one who created the roomate living conditions.

 

I tried to fight the divorce but I gave in because I did not want to risk losing my home and retirment. Figured we could try again later after the divorce. Never happened and never will. I do talk to her once in a blue moon but it's small talk. When I see her she looks like she is in a constant daze. Like her brain is always somewhere else. It surreal.

 

I have found a woman that makes me happy and who loves me so I am getting remarried soon. She is not perfect but at least she knows how to love. First marriage did affect our relationship at first since I was still on the rebound. Not anymore though because I am completely done with XW.

 

Honestly though, for the most part our marriage was a success. We actually were happy. Things changed so slowly that I didnt notice she was not happy. I just thought that it was normal for older couples to act that way to each other. It's not. This time around I will use what I learned from both my XW and my owns mistakes.

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Have you been divorced? One time, or more?

I'm very recently divorced (one time) after a two-year separation. We were together nearly 18 years, married for most of that.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s)?

 

It was a combination of factors, including: his excessive alcohol consumption, poor communication, with both of us being very conflict-avoidant; the relationship suffering from projections (e.g. he became my brother and I became his mother), which led to... a complete lack of physical affection and interest in sex on both sides (who wants to have sex with their brother/mother?). Add a disabled child into the mix and it devolved into a roommate marriage of pure convenience.

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

Absolutely. I was very conflict-avoidant (we NEVER argued) and found it very difficult to bring up the issues that were bothering me. I retreated into online chat rooms and ended up having an online EA that shook me out of my complacency.

 

Did you want to divorce? Who filed?

I initiated the separation, but he was the one who pushed for the divorce.

 

Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

I learned tons. About the importance of certain kinds of communication in relationships. When we first got together we were the kind of couple who everyone said "got along so well." Things were easy. The trouble is we didn't learn how to deal when things weren't so easy. I also learned that no sex is a really, really bad sign. It seems so obvious now--but I was very tuned out and detached from my feelings and my body.

 

Our divorce was unusually amicable and we are still friends.

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

I honestly don't know. I might, but I have a lot of reservations about marriage. Mainly that marriage can lead to inauthentic communication and roles. People get hooked into the "husband" and "wife" roles, as well as family-of-origin projections, which may not reflect their true selves. It's because of the possibility of a marriage turning into a "false" relationship that I am nervous about it. We all have these ideas of what marriage "should" be, but in reality those ideals may not suit us at all.

 

There is still a bit of romantic in me, however, so I am not completely ruling it out.

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Have you been divorced? One time, or more?

 

Only once, for 5.5 years, separated for 1.5 of those. Married at 22 and 20

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s)?

 

Married young, for the wrong reasons (child on the way). I worked full-time while she tried to stay home with the kid. Coming from a very outgoing lifestyle, she didn't handle it well. We moved into town where she could get involved in some things again, spend more time with friends and work part time in the evenings so we didn't need daycare. We didn't spend much time together and just grew apart. Our communication was terrible, we fought about money, hobbies, child raising... you name it. We didn't exactly fight fairly either. She blamed and resented me for much of that, even though it was her own choice. My SIL blackmailed her into telling me she was having an EA and made out with a guy one night. Also some issues with lying about money she was spending/hiding and maxing our credit card.

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

 

Certainly! I took part in the issues listed above and also became quite complacent and took her for granted.

 

Did you want to divorce? Who filed?

 

Initially I didn't. I knew there were problems, but I was still madly in love with her. She filed, then took our kid to CA to live with her parents for a while, in the midst of them divorcing also. :rolleyes: She tried to come crawling back 6 months later, saying she never intended to go through with the divorce. She said she was just trying to "teach me a lesson" and see if I would come after her. I didn't, and wouldn't take her back either...

 

Did you learn anything? Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

 

I learned a lot, from my marriage and the 2 year relationship soon after. Good communication is key! We maintain a civil relationship for our daughter. She has still tried to scream at me on the phone and I hang up on her until she realizes she needs to calm down. That has worked well and our fights are now much better!

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

 

I'm not now, and never thought I would want to. One of the reasons I left my last relationship was that she was pushing for marriage and children, but I saw the same patterns and lack of communication. The idea of getting back into that situation killed it for me.

 

Now I'm with a wonderful woman who is also going through a divorce. We were both kinda just looking for casual and exclusive dating at first, but it quickly turned into more. It's still early and we each have a child from our previous marriages, so we are smart enough to take our time. We've been discussing the dynamics of living together and hope to be within the year if things continue this way, but marriage is something we can both see in the future.

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I'm 51 and I've been divorced twice. 1st marriage I was 23 and it lasted 1 year, 5 months. He was not a good man, at all, jealous, mean and insecure and of course I had my own issues or I wouldn't have married him. No regrets at all about the divorce and I left him and I'm thankful that we had no children which enabled a clean break.

 

2nd marriage, I was almost 26 and I truly loved that man, thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. Our 1st daughter was born about a 1 1/2 yrs later and life was pretty good, although we had some communication problems and the stress of a new baby was hard. Then my 2nd daughter was born when our first was 2 1/2. She had major birth defects and required round the clock care and that she might not survive was very likely. Unimaginable stress and worry for both of us. Then we settled into a very different life. Almost all my energy was spent on my sick daughter.

 

We didn't fight a lot but we didn't' communicate well either. I knew things weren't good, but yet I didn't know how bad he thought they were. Until one day he said I'm leaving. Shocked didn't cover how I felt. I knew him well enough to know that he meant it and that there was no changing his mind.

 

17 years later, sometimes it still makes me incredibly sad and I even still have a cry about it sometimes. I have not remarried, although I have a couple of broken engagements under my belt since then. I have taken on the bulk of everything in regards to raising our disabled daughter, although he has been a good dad to the one without special needs. Life is tough.

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Have you been divorced?

Yep.

 

One time, or more?

Just once... Although I have have had three long-term relationships subsequent to the marriage. I never wanted to financially tie myself to another, ultimately believing that none of those subsequent relationships would ever last either.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s)?

I came home early from work with the flu one day and found my husband having sex with another man.

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

Absolutely. We were young and playing around with having an open marriage - except that he didn't tell me it included him sleeping with men... But having multiple sex partners wasn't definitely the kiss of death.

 

Did you want to divorce? Who filed?

Yep - I filed...

 

Did you learn anything?

I learned to be extra cautious in all my subsequent relationships -- almost paranoid...

 

Do you have a relationship with your ex now? If so, what's it like?

Nope. I - and our mutual friends - believe he may be dead. Not google-able or traceable on the internet. No trace of his existence for the past two decades...

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

Now - approaching my 48th year - I am FINALLY feeling like I might be ready to reconsider marriage. Heck, I am actually wanting it!

 

If you are, is your current marriage affected by your experiences with your former?

Of course. Our past experiences always shape our current decisions.

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Have you been divorced?

 

Yes.

 

One time, or more?

 

Two times.

 

What lead up to the demise of your marriage(s) ?

 

First marriage? mutually agreed upon divorce, we were boring each other to death.

 

Second marriage- infidelity on his part & I suspect that he entered the marriage with the intention of taking advantage of me fiscally.

 

Do you feel you contributed to the demise?

 

yes, in that I picked these guys as husbands

 

Did you want to divorce?

 

Yes.

 

 

Who filed?

 

I did, quite frankly in both marriages I was the only spouse with enough funds to pay for the process

 

Did you learn anything?

 

Yes, that being married is not for me, I'm no longer interested in all the "sharing" marriage requires, it feels very much like give,give, give

and getting back nothing in return.

 

Do you have a relationship with your ex now?

 

Yes

 

If so, what's it like?

 

I send him his alimony on time and in full every month & his lawyer leaves me alone

 

Are you, or would you marry again?

 

No, Hell would have to freeze over first

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Pretty much the story of my life, finacially encouraged and suported every man I was with...and often left with the debt.

 

I have never been married, engaged 3 times, and called it off each time.

I'm very sorry for what you went through, but as BK mentions, it does help one become very finacially savvy after a while:)

 

Good luck.:bunny:

 

I've been divorced twice.

 

The first marriage was just a marriage of convenience, though, so I don't know if that counts.

 

The second one, I was married 8 years. When we first got together, he was a pizza boy and I was a bagel girl. Both in college, although I was a bit more financially savvy than him. He moved in with me with nothing more than a bag of clothes and a mountain of debt.

 

He had children from another relationship, so couldn't really contribute much in those years towards bills. So I basically paid for everything. Living expenses, I paid off all his debt, I paid his legal fees, I paid off his cars, you name it, I bought it. I've always been a bit of a worker and I scrimped and saved and after repairing our credit, getting stable careers and investing our money wisely, we became significantly well off. So much so that we could, feasibly, both retire by the time we were in our late 20's. I did, briefly, but got bored and went back to work. During our whole relationship, I handled all the finances.

 

During the last year of our marriage, my ex encouraged me towards a business venture that was going to require me to put in some really long hours for a significant period of time. While this was going to a very interesting and emotionally fulfilling thing for me to try, it was going to be risky and after working 80-90 hours a week, I wasn't going to have the free time to handle things at home. My ex assured me that he would handle everything at home and I could just go forth and do this. I was very hesitant, but after a lot of pushing on his part, I went for it. My ex took over all the home duties, including our finances and managing our investments, retirement funds, and trusts for the kids.

 

Fast forward about 9 months, I was working non stop. NON STOP. I stop to get gas one fine morning and find out my credit card had been cut off. In fact, ALL of my credit cards have been cut off. My bank accounts drained. My investments liquidated, trusts emptied, retirement funds...POOF! Gone. Everything, everything gone.

 

I call the ex and he says he wants a divorce. He had spend the entire year (and likely more) cheating on me with a chick he met at a mall kiosk and draining our accounts and hiding all the money from me. Most of it, I will add, WAS MINE. Heck, a solid portion was mine before I even met him. (I inherited)

 

Did I contribute to the demise of the relationship? Sure, I'm not perfect. Will I ever get married again? I don't know. Part of me is deeply terrified of marriage. I guess when you spend 8 years building a life only to have it destroyed in what feels like a single day, that happens. But another part of me loves the comfort and stability of marriage.

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