I think she's the one...and she doesn't feel the same way

[terranova25]

I am a middle aged male in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 3 1/2 years. We've been through a lot together, and have a small child together. I have had really bad relationships in the past, especially with women who were controlling, and abusive both mentally and sometimes physically. One of my relationships was even with a woman who was addicted to heroin and I was an enabler for a while, until I realized I needed to stop. My last relationship was with a woman who often sought to control everything, including the money I made. We never compromised on anything and soon she had run through my savings, and we were dodging creditors and living check to check.

 

I finally got free of all that and am now with the woman who I think is the one. The problem is she doesn't think I"M the one. She says that I've made her really unhappy for the past two years now. But let me quickly explain how she explained to me. First, I don't like to clean. She does. So when we were dating, she'd come over and cook and clean. Then she moved in and continued doing it. I guess I began to take it for granted, especially when she was laid off. I kind of thought that if she's at home all day, then, yeah, she could be doing it, especially if I was the breadwinner. However, she always reminds me that I wasn't the only one paying bills. I admit, I let her pay the deposit for the apartment, I let her furnish it and she did contribute half (sometimes more) on all the bills even after she was laid off.

 

She's always talking about the time that she asked me to then help her with an old cable bill, but I told her I didn't have the money. At the time, I really did think I couldn't spare the money. But in spite of it, she has continued to help with with her savings and whatever other money she gets. But she always gets angry when I tell her I can't help her with her bills or anything that she wants, but I feel like I don't have the money. To be honest, I have a great job, and make a sizeable amount, but I am still reeling from the financial hurt from my last relationship. She's always reminding me of how I've always been there for my past girlfriends, going even so far as borrowing money to make sure they had money for clothes and hair and I can't "even help her with little things like contact lenses and glasses."

 

It's not that I don't want to help her, it's just that, I think I can't. She gave me $1000 last month to help with the bills last month and was livid when I didn't help her pay a bill she got for pediatric services that was $89 and a school bill that was $35 (she's in school for nursing). She came to me with the bill and told me she'd be short that week and didn't know how she'd pay it. She got angry when I didn't say anything. She was crying and said that I "didn't care about her," She says she's tired of cooking, cleaning, giving me money, doing odd jobs to help make ends meet and I don't give her anything in return. I don't think she's really being fair here.

 

She even got mad when I didn't put the baby on my insurance, because the plan she claims the plan she has with her school is pretty crappy and that my insurance is "better.: but the way it's structured at work I would have to pay out an additional $200 a month. She then reminds me of how my ex-wife and her son were on my insurance before we got divorced, but I felt that it was my duty then because we were married, and she and I haven't made that leap yet, though I know I want to. She makes it seem as if I don't love or appreciate the things she does for me. I do. She says I don't reciprocate, but sometimes I just don't remember to do certain things because I have so much going on. I love her and don't want to lose her. What should I do?

[PlumPrincess]

Honestly, you suck. It's your child and you refuse to put him on your insurance which is better, just because you would have to pay more? And you did that for someone else's son, because you were married to her? How ****ed up is that??? And really, cleaning when you're at home and unemployed and not contributing to the paying the bills is ok, but she paid half of the bills (and even more) and you call yourself the breadwinner??? And when she asks you to take over some small bill you don't want to help her out?

 

Sorry, dude, you are incredibly selfish and if I were her, I would have left you a long time ago.

[reboot]

You should twist her arm.

[soserious1]

You kindly sit her down & tell her that married or not you expect her to shoulder 50% of your shared living costs, period, end of subject. Her personal bills are just that, her personal responsibility, if she does run short & you can swing it, you could be generous enough to offer her a short term loan to cover small costs.

 

As far as the child goes though, you need to put the baby on your plan since it covers more things, the 2 of you can split the additional $200 cost 50/50

 

You also need to apologize to her for the housework inequality, set up a schedule that is fair to you both, print it & post it in plain sight. You should also offer to compensate her for the previous inequality, if you are doing a 50/50 equal fiscal split it's totally unfair of you to expect her to also serve as your maid.

[PlumPrincess]

You kindly sit her down & tell her that married or not you expect her to shoulder 50% of your shared living costs, period, end of subject. Her personal bills are just that, her personal responsibility, if she does run short & you can swing it, you could be generous enough to offer her a short term loan to cover small costs.

 

I don't think golddigers would do that:

I admit, I let her pay the deposit for the apartment, I let her furnish it and she did contribute half (sometimes more) on all the bills even after she was laid off.

And he calls himself the "breadwinner". He's depleting my sarcasm, really.