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can a possessive/jealous person actually change?


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Old 27th September 2011, 5:21 PM   #1
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can a possessive/jealous person actually change?

I'm going to try to keep this really short, but i would really appreciate any thoughts people may have especially if you've experienced anything similar.
My husband and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary
By the time we were engaged, I noticed small signs that he started to become jealous, and possessive, but we had a short engagement period so i wasn't able to put it into perspective
The jealousy meant that he picked petty fights often throughout our marriage and would ignore me or even yell at me if he was upset.
He was controlling me in very manipulative ways (ie: he would make me feel guilty for wanting to meet up with friends or have drinks after work with colleagues)
I tried VERY hard to discuss things with him, how him being controlling was not letting me be ME, and how his behavior was hurting me, but he never seemed to get it.

I have spent my entire summer feeling confused as i constantly battled with the thought of just leaving him, or whether i should just keep trying to make it work, for some reason i felt a lot of anxiety, and given that my father was also controlling, i couldn't figure out whether my husband was really THAT bad, or whether i was being extra sensitive because of my history.
I've been seeing a psychologist for the past 5 months to help.
Suddenly about 2 months ago my husband started actually trying and so it seemed like he suddenly realized (i noticed that if he was about to get upset or jealous at me about a non-issue, he would actually realize it, control it and not say anything, and eventually it seemed like it didn't bother him)

last weekend we went out and had a bunch to drink, i didn't realize the couple extra drinks he had than me, but next thing i know he was completely drunk (i've never seen him this drunk before)
He picked a fight with me about nothing (like he usually did), and then on our cab home he completely lost it... he was yelling and screaming at me and he hit my in the stomach.. then he squeezed my arms SO hard that it bruised up.
It seems simple... he hit me, so leave... and i've always thought I was one of those strong smart girls who would do just that!
But i'm still confused. He woke up the next day, and has been crying to me ever since (i know thats the typical response and what is expected) but he has agreed to go to anger management counselling and went to his first session already. He has also agreed to go to marriage counselling.
I asked him to do those things expecting him not to agree and then i could leave without regret, knowing i tried.... but the fact that he agreed to do it and seems so genuinely remorseful for everything wrong in our marriage makes me wonder, is it actually possible for a possessive person like this to improve???

He suddenly acknowledges all wrong doing in our marriage and keeps apologizing for his jealousy... he says he never understood it before, but now he understands that he was in the wrong and that he was being possessive and that he couldn't seperate the fact that he trusts me from his jealousy.
I don't know if i should believe him, do jealous/possessive/aggressive people really change??!?!?!?
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Old 27th September 2011, 7:15 PM   #2
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You don't mention your ages. In my opinion, if it gets physical EVER, it's time to go. No amount of pleading or crying would change that. Go to marriage counseling if you wish, but I'd leave. Straight up no nonsense get the hell out of there.

Two words: Restraining Order.
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Old 27th September 2011, 8:20 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avihenda View Post
You don't mention your ages. In my opinion, if it gets physical EVER, it's time to go. No amount of pleading or crying would change that. Go to marriage counseling if you wish, but I'd leave. Straight up no nonsense get the hell out of there.

Two words: Restraining Order.
Thanks for the reply...
That typically would have been my thought process - if that happens, leave! So simple, so why am I so confused!!!
If it were just apologies I wouldn't be so confused, it's the sudden acknowledgement and agreement to everything I've been saying all along, it's the fact that it seems he's realizing his mistakes and it's the fact that he actually went to counselling when he always said he didn't believe in it.

Maybe he genuinely realizes and does want to change?
I'm just afraid of regret I guess because on a lot of other front he is great, I fell in love with him and married him! Oh and I'm 30, he's 34
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Old 27th September 2011, 10:38 PM   #4
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I was in his same shoes when i was younger. It takes some time but we do change.

I had trust issues and jealousy issues.

I never got physical ever with my Ex but one day while fighting with her, I guess something in me snapped. I just stopped, she looked at me puzzeled and i dropped down crying feeling like such **** and told her I was so sorry for what i have been doing and would do anything to fix our relationship. She realized I was being truthful (cause i was) so she helped me get through this with counceling. After about a year i changed and we stayed together for another 2 years until breaking up. (She had to move far away for work, mutual break-up).
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Old 28th September 2011, 7:59 AM   #5
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The reason I asked is because acting out that way is truly childish. It's like having a tantrum with your fists. Not cool and at 34 I doubt very seriously he will change.

Sorry, just my opinion, for what it's worth.

I was 21, had three small children when my ex hit me. No money, nothing but the clothes on our backs and about $120 in my account. I left and it was the smartest thing I've ever done. It has been nearly 20 years since then and he is still the same way with his (now) wife. He drinks, smokes pot and when he gets pissed off, he slaps her. Then he blames the alcohol for his outburst.

Ask yourself if this is what you want. It may be hard to leave now, but it will only get harder. Often abusive people don't act on their hurtful impulses until they are sure you're not likely to leave. Will it be easier five years from now?

I wish you nothing but the best. Only you can decide what is right in your case.
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Old 28th September 2011, 8:09 AM   #6
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I also wanted to say that the possessive, controlling and isolating behavior are all a pattern that lead up to the physical abuse. When he finds he can't control you, he lashes out physically. You putting up with ANY of it, keeps the cycle going.

He doesn't want you to go out without him or to have time with your friends. Why? Because they might help you leave him or tell you how wrong it is for anyone to hurt you or treat you so badly.

Someone who loves you will never hit you, try to control you or isolate you. The type of love he's capable of giving, isn't healthy and it isn't love. Someone who loves you brings you up, shares your joys and applauds your successes.
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Old 28th September 2011, 7:21 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osiris1234 View Post
I was in his same shoes when i was younger. It takes some time but we do change.

I had trust issues and jealousy issues.

I never got physical ever with my Ex but one day while fighting with her, I guess something in me snapped. I just stopped, she looked at me puzzeled and i dropped down crying feeling like such **** and told her I was so sorry for what i have been doing and would do anything to fix our relationship. She realized I was being truthful (cause i was) so she helped me get through this with counceling. After about a year i changed and we stayed together for another 2 years until breaking up. (She had to move far away for work, mutual break-up).
Thanks for the reply - do you mind my asking how old you were when you went through this?? And how long were you jealous/possessive with your ex before you realized?? It seems like something "snapped" in my husband too... I believe that to some degree... Just don't have faith in the ability to change..
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Old 28th September 2011, 7:28 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avihenda View Post
The reason I asked is because acting out that way is truly childish. It's like having a tantrum with your fists. Not cool and at 34 I doubt very seriously he will change.

Sorry, just my opinion, for what it's worth.

I was 21, had three small children when my ex hit me. No money, nothing but the clothes on our backs and about $120 in my account. I left and it was the smartest thing I've ever done. It has been nearly 20 years since then and he is still the same way with his (now) wife. He drinks, smokes pot and when he gets pissed off, he slaps her. Then he blames the alcohol for his outburst.

Ask yourself if this is what you want. It may be hard to leave now, but it will only get harder. Often abusive people don't act on their hurtful impulses until they are sure you're not likely to leave. Will it be easier five years from now?

I wish you nothing but the best. Only you can decide what is right in your case.
Sorry to hear what you went to but happy to hear you got out! I tend to share your viewpoint overall and am hoping I manage to get myself out. I guess I worry about regret - what if he really will change? That's what goes through my head..

Also we all have flaws, I wonder am I a bad person to not want to help him through his? If he wasn't trying to work on it I think I'd have an easier time... But if he's suddenly "realized" and going to anger management and couples therapy, am I wrong not to help him????

I don't want to help him but i feel so guilty

My sibling is sick and I would be so happy if he met someone who stayed by his side and was willing to help him with his illness!! So how can I leave my husband for this! Argggh
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Old 28th September 2011, 8:47 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by constantlyconfused View Post
Also we all have flaws, I wonder am I a bad person to not want to help him through his? If he wasn't trying to work on it I think I'd have an easier time... But if he's suddenly "realized" and going to anger management and couples therapy, am I wrong not to help him????
No. You have no responsibility to help the person abusing you.

Let him get his anger management for himself, by himself. If he needs your help doing this, maybe that means he is not ready to do it for himself. And the truth is, it won't really help until he is ready to do it for himself.
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