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Work Affair - Need Sanity Check


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Old 7th September 2011, 12:55 PM   #1
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Work Affair - Need Sanity Check

Long story short -- my husband and I have been married 7 years and have a 6-year old son.

The past 3 years have been awful, growing apart - which culminated in my husband having a brief, 2-month affair with a female co-worker. I found out, decided to try to move forward, we started going to counseling, saw some improvements.

Here's the problem - they still work together. He co-runs the place so I don't expect him to leave. It's a small company - 25 people. He says it's a non-issue that they still work together. He regrets it, I believe him. He avoids her. She's divorced and, I believe, would continue the affair if given the chance.

I'm wondering if anyone is in the same situation as me and found a way to get through this and make it work?

Please, while I truly respect your opinions and advice, I'm looking for any encouragement that this can work. I already have had my fair share of telling myself what a joke it is and getting pissed that I have to deal with it. I am jealous, of course, and the fact that they work together keeps me from fully rebuilding trust. It eats at me during the workday.

I guess I am hoping someone else is in my shoes and has made this work. It's being put on me to deal with it, I guess. I don't know what to think.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:04 PM   #2
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All of the books, all of the counselors, all of the on line advice, and most of the posters here will tell you - as I am sure you have read - that they simply cannot work together or at least that the reconciliation will not be healthy while they still do.

But I get that sometimes life's circumstances require drastic measures. It sounds like you and your husband both truly want to move forward and I certainly believe that is possible.

Thing is...the worst part of an affair is the fact that the BS was in the dark. Things were happening in your life that you didnt know anything about. Ending the betrayal is just the first step, the next seems to be bringing the entire affair to light so that the BS feels like an active participant in her own life and decisions.

I say all that because...if I were you...I think if my H had to continue working with OW then I would speak to her. I would be a participant from now on - as long as they were working together. I wouldnt be her friend, but I would be a presence.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:09 PM   #3
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I don't know....I guess the only way to work through it is to make a decision that you will no matter what. If you think it is worth being on high alert all the time wondering what your husband is or isn't doing while at work, or having to check on him all day long, then so be it. Hopefully you will be able to build up enough trust that you won't have to do that, or feel that you have to do that.

I am not sure what speaking to the other woman would accomplish, besides letting her know that you don't trust your husband to put the heffa in check. To me that would give her an upper hand. To acknowledge that she has any importance at all in your marriage puts her in a place she doesn't belong. It gives her too much credit.

I wish you the best.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:15 PM   #4
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I dont know either, but just for the sake of brain storming and sharing...

When my exH was cheating - I always (he was a serial cheater) felt better after speaking to OW. I wasnt accusatory or friendly. I just told them - Hey, Im here. This is my life, please do not interfere with it.

I got a good response.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:17 PM   #5
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what is HE doing to REPAIR the damage HE caused? it is HIS to repair... it is YOURS to decide whether or not you can live with what he offers as his change. if he's not DOING enough to change things - you may want to consider leaving.

he may not have ended it. IF he really values the M above all else - he WILL leave the job - and HE will be willing to show YOU his evidence that he's NO LONGER communicating with his OW in ANY way.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:29 PM   #6
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My husband also had an affair with someone he works with, and after the affair ended, he had to continue working with her... infact, he still works with her.
In brief, he's military and had an affair with a co-worker. If the affair had "come out", there could very well have been some pretty serious ramifications. Fortunately, it was kept out of "the chain of command" and was dealt with quietly. He didn't get the promotion has was due for and has a "conduct reprimand" on his record, which is bad, but it could have been worse.
He had to stay because his trade tends to stay posted for at least five years, so if he wanted to move, he wold have had to explain why, why would not have been good, so we decided to stay and make the best of it.

While it was hard at first to know that they were still working together, over time it has gotten easier. It has taken some time, but i have learned to trust him again. One thing that really ticks me off though is that when I go to squadron functions with him, I end up seeing her, which i do not enjoy, but i have learned to deal with it.

In a way, his continuing to work with her has actually been beneficial. He sees her everyday , and she has moved on through a couple of other married guys they both work with. I think that was a real eye opener for him. It is interesting when we socialize with other people they both work with to hear how they talk about her...I think that has the end result of making him feel really foolish about the whole thing... the "fog" of infatuation has certainly dissipated. Hopefully it will be that way with your husband too.

My view on the whole thing is that I have to be able to trust him ( this is after a lot of counseling etc.) if we are to have any happiness together. If I an't trust him now around her, how an I trust him anywhere?
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:37 PM   #7
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Frozensprouts - you have a lot to offer all of us.
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Old 7th September 2011, 1:54 PM   #8
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I really do mean what i said in my last paragraph. It took some time and a lot of hard work on both our parts ( and some help from a counselor) but I have learned to trust him again. I really feel that the trust I have for him shouldn't be dependent upon where he is working and whether or not she is there or not. If I can't trust him to be around her and not cheat, how an I trust him to be anywhere and not cheat with someone else?

I know things are really hard for you right now, and it will take some time for them to feel "normal" again...but it can happen, as long as you are both willing to move forward. This is not to say that you forget about the affair, but more to say that you both an learn from it and , when you are ready, you can forgive him and rebuild the trust that you used to have for him.

best of luck to you...it does get easier with time
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Old 7th September 2011, 3:14 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by upsanddowns View Post
Long story short -- my husband and I have been married 7 years and have a 6-year old son.

The past 3 years have been awful, growing apart - which culminated in my husband having a brief, 2-month affair with a female co-worker. I found out, decided to try to move forward, we started going to counseling, saw some improvements.

Here's the problem - they still work together. He co-runs the place so I don't expect him to leave. It's a small company - 25 people. He says it's a non-issue that they still work together. He regrets it, I believe him. He avoids her. She's divorced and, I believe, would continue the affair if given the chance.

I'm wondering if anyone is in the same situation as me and found a way to get through this and make it work?

Please, while I truly respect your opinions and advice, I'm looking for any encouragement that this can work. I already have had my fair share of telling myself what a joke it is and getting pissed that I have to deal with it. I am jealous, of course, and the fact that they work together keeps me from fully rebuilding trust. It eats at me during the workday.

I guess I am hoping someone else is in my shoes and has made this work. It's being put on me to deal with it, I guess. I don't know what to think.
All great advice!

Make yourself known in the workplace. Dress up, stop by unexpectedly, take your husband out to lunch, chat up the office help, send him cards, even flowers on special occasions for all the staff to see. Call his business line and smooze his secretary to see if he is available. Make allies in the workplace!

That's another way of making your presence both known and felt in his workplace!

Whatever makes you feel more secure...DO IT!

Use his peer group of employees to help police other woman. Send his secretary a card on her birthday! Or admin asst's day.

It is not too hard to turn the tide of public opinion to be fully in your corner. You want every person there to think, "Wow, that UpsandDowns is one great lady. Her H is so lucky to have her. She's a doll!"

Your H SHOULD be flattered by all your attention. The OW may feel he remains off limits because she would not want to become the office pariah.

You will feel more secure to know people in his workplace KNOW you.
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Old 7th September 2011, 9:19 PM   #10
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Thank You

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Your advice and thoughts really helps me. Right after I found out, I did confront OW in the office. I was discreet, but wow it felt good. She was so caught off guard, and it really affected her to see me as a real person, woman - instead of just a name.

I think keeping a presence in the office is a good idea. Husband's birthday is coming up, so I'll probably have flowers delivered to the office. I think talking to her again would only inflate her ego, make her seem more important than I want her to feel. But, keeping a presence and making allies at his work is a really good approach.

Thank you!
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