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Why does he treat me so bad?


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Old 1st August 2011, 1:39 AM   #1
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Why does he treat me so bad?

Ok - here we are again.

After a couple of weeks of good behaviour - my husband is at it again.

He was home on Sunday (the first time in a long time) and he was relaxing doing nothing before we went for a BBQ. So while he was doing nothing, I did the dishes, cleaned the house, did the laundry, and fed our son. I went to have a shower and was enjoying a nice shower for a change.

After he had a shower, our son went into the shower and spilled the shampoo all over and slid and fell.

Instead of helping our son, my husband stood there yelling at me for 30 minutes for not looking after my boy. Mind you, I look after our son most days and nights. Husband is out six days a week for University for his MB

After everything settled we went to the party and I started to feel really depressed seeing all my friends in loving relationships with growing families and I am tied to the bastard who treats me like ****.

We got home and hubby was settling my son down when I thought I heard my son call out to me. I went to see my son and my hubby started screaming at me again. Apparently I should not have come. I don't know what to do. I am so stressed I am losing hair and sleep.

I have spend the last 24 hours contemplating suicide. Why does he treat me so poorly when I bend over backwards to support him and make sure his life is ok? Why? Why? Why? Why me? I gave him money at the start of our relationship. I have given him everything. I am so depressed now. I can't do anything right by him.

I am sick and tired of being his punching bag. I don't know what to do. Please help.
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Old 1st August 2011, 2:01 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by SeaBreeze100 View Post
Ok - here we are again.

After a couple of weeks of good behaviour - my husband is at it again.

He was home on Sunday (the first time in a long time) and he was relaxing doing nothing before we went for a BBQ. So while he was doing nothing, I did the dishes, cleaned the house, did the laundry, and fed our son. I went to have a shower and was enjoying a nice shower for a change.

After he had a shower, our son went into the shower and spilled the shampoo all over and slid and fell.

Instead of helping our son, my husband stood there yelling at me for 30 minutes for not looking after my boy. Mind you, I look after our son most days and nights. Husband is out six days a week for University for his MB

After everything settled we went to the party and I started to feel really depressed seeing all my friends in loving relationships with growing families and I am tied to the bastard who treats me like ****.

We got home and hubby was settling my son down when I thought I heard my son call out to me. I went to see my son and my hubby started screaming at me again. Apparently I should not have come. I don't know what to do. I am so stressed I am losing hair and sleep.

I have spend the last 24 hours contemplating suicide. Why does he treat me so poorly when I bend over backwards to support him and make sure his life is ok? Why? Why? Why? Why me? I gave him money at the start of our relationship. I have given him everything. I am so depressed now. I can't do anything right by him.

I am sick and tired of being his punching bag. I don't know what to do. Please help.
I'd like to suggest you read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It's an excellent book about the dynamics involved in a relationship where there is verbal abuse. Very enlightening. It talks about why men (or women) behave that way, and how to respond to such abuse. There are appropriate ways to assertively respond, and I would highly recommend you read that. Please DO NOT internalize his dysfunctional behavior onto yourself. Your life is valuable. Do not let this person to affect you this way. He is a dysfunctional person that is most likely suffering from a borderline personality disorder that stems from his childhood. I know it's extremely difficult to handle someone that has such a temper, but there can be progress made to overcome this. Read the book, and then I would also recommend marriage counseling. If he won't go with you, go yourself. You need help with this. Don't continue to suffer without getting help. Your son needs your help also--he will be adversely affected by this if things continue as they are. Call the counselor and get the book. Don't allow yourself to be a victim.
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Old 1st August 2011, 8:48 AM   #3
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"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans is a good book. "Why does he do that: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" is an even better one, in my opinion. This book explains why your husband is abusive. You can certainly try to respond to your husband with the suggestions in Evan's book. It might work. I hope it does. If it doesn't, it is nothing you are doing wrong. Most abusive men don't change. They enjoy the power the abuse gives them and feel entitled to that power. Please keep writing here.

I wanted to add, the fact that you're husband may seem to improve for a couple of weeks or so is due to the "cycle of abuse". He does this to keep you hooked. If he yelled at you every day of the year, you'd leave him a lot sooner.

Last edited by angie2443; 1st August 2011 at 8:53 AM..
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Old 1st August 2011, 9:28 AM   #4
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I suggest you speak to a counselor, ESPECIALLY if you are contemplating suicide because of the actions of your husband. I am sorry you are going through this, please stay strong and do not let anyone make you feel as though life is not worth living. ((hugs))
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Old 1st August 2011, 9:36 AM   #5
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Is this about your marriage to your Canadian husband or your South Asian husband? Your post history is confusing and doesn't stack up.
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Old 1st August 2011, 9:38 AM   #6
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That is terrible! How long do you plan to put up with that?

He treats you this way because he has a problem, and you are letting him not control it. The guy clearly has control issues. That is a very bad sign in a man. He needs help controlling that.

You need to be serious about this and tell him that if he doesn't stop... you will kick him out and be done with him. Then stick to your guns. I guarantee he will push your limits so you will have to kick him out to show you are serious.
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Old 1st August 2011, 10:13 AM   #7
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I advise against MC at this stage, because it would give him the wrong signal.
If he's abusive, he needs to address his own issues. It's not a marriage problem, it's his problem. He must be willing to acknowledge that and then get help. Some (or many, actually) abusers, though, don't even get to the stage of acknowledging their own problems. Others talk about getting help and never do. They either want to appease you (shut you down), or are afraid of facing their demons. Try to find out if he's able/willing/ready to accept that he has some issues to deal with. And see what he does, in order to work on them (IF he does anything at all). Maybe after some IC for him and you separately, MC can follow to strengthen the M. But honestly, it sounds like he's far away from being willing to address his own issues.
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Old 1st August 2011, 11:41 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by sally4sara View Post
Is this about your marriage to your Canadian husband or your South Asian husband? Your post history is confusing and doesn't stack up.
Yes he is Canadian of South Asian background. Yes, we haven't been sexually active for about 2 -3 years. And yes he is out all the time working on his MBA. I had hoped he was changing for the better over the last two weeks - but he is back to being his old nasty self, being really demeaning and abusive - and I don't get any sex. And yes, he says I am fat and when I was dressed to go out the other day in a beautiful dress, he pointed out that I had not plucked an errant hair from my eyebrows and how that destroyed everything.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 12:44 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by SeaBreeze100 View Post
Yes he is Canadian of South Asian background. Yes, we haven't been sexually active for about 2 -3 years. And yes he is out all the time working on his MBA. I had hoped he was changing for the better over the last two weeks - but he is back to being his old nasty self, being really demeaning and abusive - and I don't get any sex. And yes, he says I am fat and when I was dressed to go out the other day in a beautiful dress, he pointed out that I had not plucked an errant hair from my eyebrows and how that destroyed everything.

Oh for heaven's sake, will you leave this clown already???


How do you expect to repair your life and evolve to know a thriving, happy relationship if you keep yourself tethered to a classless fool?

Moooooooooooooove out!!
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Old 2nd August 2011, 1:11 AM   #10
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I advise against MC at this stage, because it would give him the wrong signal.
If he's abusive, he needs to address his own issues. It's not a marriage problem, it's his problem. He must be willing to acknowledge that and then get help. Some (or many, actually) abusers, though, don't even get to the stage of acknowledging their own problems. Others talk about getting help and never do. They either want to appease you (shut you down), or are afraid of facing their demons. Try to find out if he's able/willing/ready to accept that he has some issues to deal with. And see what he does, in order to work on them (IF he does anything at all). Maybe after some IC for him and you separately, MC can follow to strengthen the M. But honestly, it sounds like he's far away from being willing to address his own issues.
Marriage counseling often involves individual counseling during the process so that each of the couple can learn better ways of interacting. I just did a research paper on this very topic, and what was suggested by the articles I read in this case scenario was for a combined marriage counseling to deal with any issues where the marriage is dysfunctional, but also giving the husband individual counseling to counteract his borderline personality disorder. He is being verbally abusive because, as a child, he experienced some form of abuse or neglect which left him with a feeling of powerlessness. Therefore, he never acquired an adult perspective on how to interact with a spouse, and has a need to exert power over his spouse in the form of verbal abuse. Individual counseling for him with the marriage counselor is meant to get him to understand why he is feeling a sense of powerlessness (which originated from his childhood), and to get him to understand the irrationality of that feeling of powerlessness as an adult. Through narrative therapy, the abuser is guided to adopt an attitude of power (he is helped to feel more powerful) so that his current fears of powerlessness do not cause him to try to exert power over his spouse. Individual therapy is also used for the wife to teach her how to respond to verbal abuse in an assertive way so that she will take back the power that she should have in the relationship. Therefore, they recommend a combined marital and individual counseling for this type of situation. It is possible to improve the situation. I wouldn't advise throwing in the towel on the marriage without giving counseling a good effort.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 1:26 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by SeaBreeze100 View Post
Yes he is Canadian of South Asian background. Yes, we haven't been sexually active for about 2 -3 years. And yes he is out all the time working on his MBA. I had hoped he was changing for the better over the last two weeks - but he is back to being his old nasty self, being really demeaning and abusive - and I don't get any sex. And yes, he says I am fat and when I was dressed to go out the other day in a beautiful dress, he pointed out that I had not plucked an errant hair from my eyebrows and how that destroyed everything.
That's his way of exerting power over you--to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can feel more powerful. It's dysfunctional, but he is stuck in a childish mindset where he feels powerless and needs to exert power over you. That is one way he does it--by putting down your appearance. By you looking good with the nice dress, it threatened his feelings of power over you, so he had to put down whatever little thing he could find to regain the feeling of power over you. Dysfunctional, I know. Please talk to a marriage counselor, and get some help. It can get better, but without help, it will get worse as time goes on.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 5:41 AM   #12
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I, too, found myself married to a verbally and emotionally abusive a*sshole.

I did everything - he did NOTHING around the house. Coupled with his lousy abusive attitude, he just brought NOTHING to the table.

I left his sorry a*ss and have never regretted it.

Why are you subjecting yourself to this lunatic? I chose NOT to be a volunteer. You're a victim up to a certain point, then you just become a volunteer.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 6:38 PM   #13
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Respectfully, he does this to you because you allow him to do so. Stop doing it for the health of your child if not for yourself.
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Old 2nd August 2011, 8:17 PM   #14
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Marriage counseling often involves individual counseling during the process so that each of the couple can learn better ways of interacting. I just did a research paper on this very topic, and what was suggested by the articles I read in this case scenario was for a combined marriage counseling to deal with any issues where the marriage is dysfunctional, but also giving the husband individual counseling to counteract his borderline personality disorder. He is being verbally abusive because, as a child, he experienced some form of abuse or neglect which left him with a feeling of powerlessness. Therefore, he never acquired an adult perspective on how to interact with a spouse, and has a need to exert power over his spouse in the form of verbal abuse. Individual counseling for him with the marriage counselor is meant to get him to understand why he is feeling a sense of powerlessness (which originated from his childhood), and to get him to understand the irrationality of that feeling of powerlessness as an adult. Through narrative therapy, the abuser is guided to adopt an attitude of power (he is helped to feel more powerful) so that his current fears of powerlessness do not cause him to try to exert power over his spouse. Individual therapy is also used for the wife to teach her how to respond to verbal abuse in an assertive way so that she will take back the power that she should have in the relationship. Therefore, they recommend a combined marital and individual counseling for this type of situation. It is possible to improve the situation. I wouldn't advise throwing in the towel on the marriage without giving counseling a good effort.
I understand that, but do you think the verbally abusive man is actually aware of that? I'm sure most abusers experienced abuse in their childhood, but most of those I know have a good relationship with their parents, minimize the childhood abuse and somehow even justify it. Therefore, they do not make the connection, or they make it and at the same time use it as an excuse for their own abusive behavior ("My dad talked to me like that all the time, but he didn't mean it, and neither do I when I talk down to my wife. I already said I'm sorry. it's no big deal, she's exaggerating...."). They use it as an excuse AND minimize their own abusive behavior.

I believe that when an abuser goes to MC sessions, he'll try to find even more excuses, and the MC, whose "client" is the marriage, will try to accommodate that and somehow try to "divide" the responsibility between H and W. That doesn't hold him accountable, though. It's not her who inflicts the pain and causes his behavior. But he will most likely believe that. Or use it against his W. No? I know, it all depends on the quality of the MC, but I would be afraid that the wrong problem is addressed and that the wrong party is held accountable.

One other thing: I get the powerlessness. Do you think the abuser is aware of that? Is he feeling it? Or is he not in touch with himself, in order to avoid that feeling from making him suffer?
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Old 3rd August 2011, 1:22 AM   #15
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Respectfully, he does this to you because you allow him to do so. Stop doing it for the health of your child if not for yourself.
No. He does it because he chooses to do it. It is insane to think that by standing up to him, he'll just stop. The vast majority of abusers don't change. They act good for a while to screw with their partner's head. They learn more subtle ways to abuse, but they never really stop.

The only way she can get away from the abuse, is to leave. However, she might not get full custody of her son. Most men who abuse their wives will abuse their children. Even in many cases where their is physical evidance of abuse, the abuser still gets part time custody of the child. She might end up in a situation in which her son is with the father and she can't protect her child. This is not to suggest that she stay. The situation is more complicted then many people think, though, and simple answers like "just don't allow him to hurt you", or "just leave" can often do more harm than good.
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