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Sexually Dead Relationship...and not even married!


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RiverRunning

We're both in our 20s and have been together for a few years. Two years ago, we started having sex. Our sex life was always dull and rare from the get-go - one to two times a month tops, and sometimes as far apart as two to three months before we'd have an encounter again. He never wanted intercourse - just the other selfish kind of pleasing a few times a week. -_-' Mostly, I denied him - but admittedly I probably fed into the problem by constantly giving in to him when he wanted it, meanwhile going without myself.

 

He always had an excuse ready for our barely-there sex life. When we had it, and he bothered to act like he was interested, it was fantastic! But from the get-go, he was tired, he was too lazy, he had a head ache, his knees hurt, his stomach was bothering him, he was gassy, our relationship didn't feel 'sturdy' enough for him to feel comfortable having sex, he was afraid I'd get pregnant, and the list goes on and on.

 

This despite a few different contraceptive methods - I'm on the pill. He dropped the 'pregnancy' excuse more when I got on the pill (I guess he realized he couldn't get away with it!), but in its place he's resorted to the "Wah, tired/etc." brigade again. It's like he knows when I'm getting interested, too - that's when he starts complaining.

 

Physically, he is capable of getting turned on and following through. Earlier in our relationship, he was worried about premature ejaculation - but he was eventually able to get through that hurdle. I know his schedule well enough to know that he is not cheating - and when he has free time, he just wants to be with me. It could be a porn addiction for all I know - he usually stays up later than I do, and I know that he is a fan of porn. Which never bothered me - but if it means it's going to be weeks and I never get any action, then...

 

When he wakes up in the morning, he'll start groping me - but that's usually as far as it goes. If we do have sex, the vast majority of the time it's when I'm half in my sleep and he's just eager to get it done and out before he goes to work. I have nicknamed myself "CC" - for, ahem, a "chute" of a particular kind. When I told him about how he's making me feel, of course he waxed apologetic and said he'd change. So much for that.

 

I never knew that a man could be so sexually selfish - at least not the kind of man I'd date. The other night we were going to bed, and I teased him a little. Then, I rolled over. He asked why I had stopped. I joked, "The preview's for free, but you have to pay for the show." He gave a grunt of protest, and that was it. And that's usually always the way it goes when I ask for sex - he either groans at me or seemingly begrudgingly gives in. He says he ENJOYS sex with me, but yet he makes very little to no effort to actually have it with me.

 

It has been about two weeks since we last had sex. Nothing. Maybe this is TMI - but because of the pill, I know exactly when my cycle would start. I used to hint, "Oh, in a few days it's going to start." You know, in the hope his male brain would say: "Oh no, once that starts, a full week before I can get more!" ...until I realized he was also giving grunts then, and would say and do nothing to follow up on the hint. I don't mention a single thing about it anymore.

 

I am overweight - I am not going to lie about that. But I was heavier when he met me and started dating me. My weight has not significantly changed in our relationship, and I have lost a significant amount so far. Meanwhile, he's put on about 15 pounds. He has admitted that he finds slim girls more attractive than overweight ones. Ouch. But why would you start a relationship with an overweight woman if you're not going to be interested in having sex with her? It just seems really stupid. If my weight is the reason...then why...? I could see if I was thin and then had plumped up, but that has never been the case.

 

For the rest of you out there: is there any hope for a situation like this? We have talked, I have introduced novelties into the bedroom (sex games/dirty talk/toys/new lubes/massage oils/etc.), and on and on. Apparently nothing works. When I bought a vibrator, it ended up being my primary lover - he just thought he was off the hook. When it broke, I threw it out and vowed to never buy another one again if it meant a partner could be even lazier in pleasing me. Could it be a hormonal problem - even at his age (28)? Should I talk to him about a low libido?

 

When I ask him why we don't have sex that frequently, I always get a grunt or he claims it's because we had a fight recently, etc. But some of these fights he references have happened weeks earlier. Even when he's come to me beaming, "In the last few months, our relationship has been great!" the sex still doesn't improve. I honestly just think he's pulling at straws to decide what the excuse will be for the day.

 

I have stopped asking him for sex. I don't hint at it. I am no longer going to try to please him sexually in any way, shape or form. If sex comes up, I change the subject. I have tried being direct and nothing works. I feel so rejected and ugly. How could I not? My own boyfriend won't sleep with me. Even though I have lost 25 pounds, I feel like I look at the mirror at my success and still find myself thinking, "And it doesn't matter a bit, because he still doesn't want me."

 

I know there's probably some hope for those whose passions dwindled after the relationship started. Is there any hope for those who ALWAYS had a limited sex life? I regret ever waiting a year to have sex in a relationship. And he never really pushed me for it at all during that timespan. I should've realized that if he wasn't pushing at least a little - more than once or so in that entire year - it was because he wasn't interested!

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Sorry....

 

You are still together, because......? :confused:

 

I'll be honest, I really don't know why this still even has a pulse.

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bigmomma1974

sex isn't everything but it is a part of the relationship which yours is lacking. I am not sure why you are still in this relationship. He is more attractive to skinny women? What an azz.I would say sorry dude but i like to have sex we lack it so i am through. Leave his ass. Maybe he will wake up, maybe not. You deserve to be happy and it truelly doesn't sound like your happy at all.:confused:

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RiverRunning

I have stayed so long because of low self-esteem...and because legitimately I know my weight has been a hindrance in attracting other people. Every other man I've met so far has alluded to my weight (I assume to make it clear that because of my weight, no one else but -that guy- in particular will be interested in me) or otherwise treated me crappily. My last boyfriend was HORRIBLE in every way...except for sexually - at the very least he had the decency to give if he was receiving. And despite all of the crap my ex pulled, he never made me feel as unattractive as my boyfriend now.

 

I figure my action plan right now is to finish dumping the rest of my weight and build up my confidence. I'm almost positive it won't change anything. But once I get up that confidence, I know I can leave and go find someone better who won't act like 10 minutes for sex here and there is the world's greatest burden.

 

We have had some other problems in the relationship...and honestly, although I'm not old (mid 20s) I am beginning to wonder if all relationships suck horribly.

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I am beginning to wonder if all relationships suck horribly.

No, but yours seems to.

 

You should have ditched this guy a long time ago.

 

He has admitted that he finds slim girls more attractive than overweight ones. Ouch.

The vast majority of men will agree with him.

 

But why would you start a relationship with an overweight woman if you're not going to be interested in having sex with her?

No clue.

 

I wonder what he gets out of the relationship. Do you cook and clean for him?

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RiverRunning

I know that most (all? :D) men agree with his style of thinking - it's one of the reasons that I'm dropping weight. So the next time around, I don't have to sift through a bunch of guys who are either a.) maliciously insecure or b.) desperate, which is generally what I seem to attract. Most of the men interested in an overweight woman seem to be insecure and derive some sense of security out of being with a woman they believe everyone else will find unattractive. I don't think that's the case in this particular relationship, but maybe he was just lonely - he had been single for a few years when we met.

 

Although I didn't cook/clean really during the first two years of the relationship - we have lived together for a little while, and I manage most of the housework. He does frequently offer to help around the house. Other than that, companionship I guess - we do have common interests. But passion? Haha.

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Get out before you get married.

I'm speaking from experience.

If the sex isn't awesome and you don't click sexually, don't get married. It will only get worse in marriage, and you need a strong baseline of sexual compatibility to pull you through the ebbs and flows of married sex life.

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I don't have to sift through a bunch of guys who are either a.) maliciously insecure or b.) desperate, which is generally what I seem to attract. Most of the men interested in an overweight woman seem to be insecure and derive some sense of security out of being with a woman they believe everyone else will find unattractive. I don't think that's the case in this particular relationship, but maybe he was just lonely - he had been single for a few years when we met.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

 

Going for a bigger girl because the guy is desperate and or lonely. He probably doesn't think he can get anything better.

 

It's not a good situation for the girl to be in.

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Afishwithabike

I think it's a poor sign the sex is bad now when you two should be going at it like rabbits.

 

If you stay with this man, you're settling.

 

Years down the road, you'll regret settling for him.

 

He sounds more like a good friend to you than a boyfriend/lover. The thing that separates friendship from romantic interest is sexual attraction. It sounds like there isn't any on his side. :o

 

I realize it's hard, but do yourself and your future self a favor by detaching yourself from him. Work on yourself, your fitness level, your health, your low-self esteem. In time...I think true love will walk through the door.

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If he is addicted to porn, then probably he has this "sex and intimacy anorexia" issue, as same as the drug addict, it is difficult to be changed

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  • 2 months later...
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RiverRunning

I thought I would reply to this thread because the situation has changed over time. I have lost close to 40 pounds since April. I still have a long way to go to get the rest of it off and admittedly I am having a lot of trouble with that.

 

Our sex life has changed drastically. To the point that I really am having the opposite problem - I'm fighting him off.

 

I don't know if I should be happy that my boyfriend now wants to sleep with me now that I'm 'thin enough' for him or if I should be absolutely terrified the next time I gain a few pounds. Heh heh.

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RiverRunning

I can't be for certain it's JUST the weight - maybe it could well be that my change in appearance has also affected my personality. I have no doubt that I probably seem a more upbeat and happy person since I lost the weight. I feel it. Maybe I'm more 'approachable' now or something. That's what's difficult about gauging weight loss - is it solely for the looks or because I'm acting differently now that I've lost it?

 

I am considering bringing it up but broaching the topic is proving difficult. No matter how I phrase it, he would probably say "No" just for fear of looking like it's always been about my weight. I am still trying to wrap my mind around why he'd go out with me when I was heavier, date me for so long, and yet reluctantly sleep with me. That part of it still doesn't make sense to me, but I suspect I'll never figure it out.

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Afishwithabike

River - I was debating whether or not to say this, but I saw a post elsewhere that reminded me of your story. I won't mention the specific site name. The website starts with "S". Just wondering if it was you. ;)

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