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Husband keeps staying out til morning and doesn't let me know


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Hello

 

I've been married for 2.5 years, and been with my husband for 4 years in total. We are both 29.

 

Every once in a while, he'll go out and won't come home until really late. Now it's 10am and he hasn't come home after a night of drinking.

 

In the past when it's happened I'd completely panic and worry something had happened to him. The first time he did it, he just didn't come home from work and wouldn't answer his phone... until about 8am when I phoned his work friend and then my husband called me back straight away. He said that he'd went to his friend's house, left his jacket in another friend's car... then mysteriously got it back when I called his friend?? I don't really understand and I still feel there's something dodgy about his story.

 

At one point he started a new job in a restaurant/bar and would often come home at about 10 am. He INSISTED that he had to work late, which also did not make sense!! Months later when he was drunk (on our anniversary) he happened to mention how he used to drink SOOOO much on those nights after work because they had an open bar. Of course this makes far more sense and I was really annoyed and angry with him for lying.

 

More recently, he went out for 'a drive' with a friend and came home at 4am. I figured out that he'd been to a club, but he never mentioned until he realised that I knew. Even then he said he only went to meet a friend there briefly as opposed to staying out clubbing.

 

Hmm this is worrying me - I'm coming up with more examples than I should!!

 

I have talked to him at length that I don't mind him going out but he HAS to let me know where he is so I know that he is safe. I've also told him that I'm not happy that he comes home in the morning. He knows it upsets me.

 

He usually finishes work at 11pm. Last night when he hadn't come home by 1am I called him and he said he was out drinking with work friends as it was his last shift before he starts his new job. He was drunk and he said he was on his way home soon. I told him to have a good time.

 

But then I woke up at 6am and he was not at home. His phone was ringing but he didn't answer. I know he doesn't have any credit on his phone right now but of course he can use a payphone or answer his phone! I tried again at 6.30 and the phone had no reception, so I thought maybe he is on the underground. I woke up at 8 and he still wasn't at home and phone is still off.

 

To top this all off, shortly after we got married, I found out that he cheated on me while were engaged (we were long distance at the time). I decided to stay with him as we had just married and I thought it was worth a try. It took me a long time to get over it but I still have an element of mistrust about his going out habits. Even if he hadn't cheated in the past I would still be very unhappy about the situation, but I feel somewhere at the back of my mind I have reason to be wary.

 

I realise now that this has become a habit of his and I don't like it. I'm not sure what I can do show that I don't accept his behaviour, obviously telling him does not work.

 

The problem is, where do I draw the line? Is this enough to end a marriage?

 

I have tried to give him a taste of his own medicine once. After he upset me (by spending my birthday with his friend until midnight when he said he would cook me dinner) I decided to stay at a friend's house without telling him. I know this upset him, but at least afterwards he knows that I was safe. He didn't seem to get us upset as I do - but maybe that's because he knows he can trust me!

 

I have other issues as well. I do love him and he's a really nice and loving guy - but in the longrun I feel I want more from life than he does and I'm not sure he can make me happy. I married him knowing that he earns much less than I do, but sometimes it's irritating when he spends all of his money on booze and cigarettes then I need to help him to pay his half of the bills. Money isn't everything but it does affect your happiness and lifestyle. I've come to realise that love is not enough for a good marriage.

 

So where do I draw the line with marriage? He knows that if he ever cheated on me again or beat me I'd be out the door, but what about all this less dramatic stuff like finances and going out late? Is that reason enough to end a marriage??

 

I know it's sounding like he is cheating but I don't know if that's true and I don't feel there is anything definitive to prove this - so is this reason enough to end a marriage? I don't know what the solution is. I am aware that by accepting he cheated and now by unintentionally accepting that he stays out late (as he is still doing it) I've setup a bad situation where he thinks he can get away with almost anything... so what do I do now?? :(

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shadowofman

I used to do this to my ex all the time. Often because I would go out and get to intoxicated to drive home. But I wouldn't call so it offended her. I didn't care. The fact that she would give me hell about it made me feel like she was my mother more than my lover. Glad that relationship is over. Don't have to answer to anyone now.

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make me believe

This is sooo not ok. My husband will occasionally stay out till like 5am, but (1) I am always invited to whatever he is doing, (2) he is just at his cousins house hanging out & having a few beers, then sobering up before driving home, and (3) he keeps in touch with me via text throughout the night.

 

I honestly can't wrap my head around a married man doing the sh*t your husband is doing. If he wants to go drink with his co-workers after work, fine. But not even calling to let you know or invite you? WTF? I dunno, he seems to only be interested in partying & acting like he is a single guy. His behavior shows that he doesn't respect you or your marriage. And the fact that he cheated on you while you were engaged?? I don't think he is ready to be married or even wants to be married.

 

I think you should sit down with him, have a talk, and establish some boundaries. It's totally ridiculous (& shady) of him to be out until 10am without even letting you know. Just....... crazy. Set some reasonable boundaries (ie: not staying out until 10am!!), and if he isn't willing to stick with them, you can decide if you're willing to live with that or not.

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Mr. Gump is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking entirely.

 

(Radical notion, I know.)

 

He may have other problems as well.

 

yep... and you do not need to tolerate his bad behavior. change the locks... that ought to show him what happens when he doesn't bother to allow you some peace of mind.

 

he's completely disrespecting you - and YOU are ALLOWING it.

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Forget having a talk with him. Sounds like talking is all you've been doing. It's time to talk a little less. Don't call him the next time he does this. In fact, find somewhere to go and somewhere to be. It doesn't matter who comes home first but when he does come home, don't ask him any questions. In fact, don't do anything to him or for him. Let him wonder what is up and why you are not acting like his mom anymore. Let him wonder if you stopped caring. Let it eat him up inside. Keep your conversations shallow and don't be too interested in him, his plans, or his whereabouts. Plan a weekend getaway and don't tell him about it. Don't come up with excuses, even if you have to go camping by yourself for 2 nights do it - dont let him know and don't answer his calls. Come back on Monday morning and act like he has an alien mask on when he starts to question you. Chuckle and ask him if he wants some leftover smores. You get the picture.

 

Just do SOMETHING out of the ordinary. He doesn't have a lot of respect for you and isn't going to take you seriously unless you show him a different side of yourself. You have no boundaries, I'm sorry to say. All you're doing by chasing after him is letting him know that he can walk all over you and you will take it all and then some. Establishing boundaries does not always happen by talking. Sometimes you have to take action to back up your words.

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Ok, I read probably the first two line of your post and found myself screwing my face up..

 

Girl, make some plans of your own. Men will take the piss if you let them. Most people will, unless they have values..

 

What are you, his Mother? Girl, this is BAD!

 

*Eve screws her face up further..*

 

He is doing this **** because he can. STOP with being a doormat, please.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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I don't understand the game-playing people are encouraging here. This is not high school. You are both 29 years old and MARRIED adults, not little teenagers.

 

Game-playing is ridiculous. I'm wondering why you agreed to marry this guy to begin with.

 

If it were me, the only advice on here I'd take thus far is to change the damn locks next time he does this. If he doesn't call and wasn't home by midnight after work, I would change the locks on his sorry butt.

 

The only time I'd let him back in the house is if he changed his ways. If he didn't want to, I'd tell him I was divorcing him.

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I don't understand the game-playing people are encouraging here. This is not high school. You are both 29 years old and MARRIED adults, not little teenagers.

 

Game-playing is ridiculous. I'm wondering why you agreed to marry this guy to begin with.

 

If it were me, the only advice on here I'd take thus far is to change the damn locks next time he does this. If he doesn't call and wasn't home by midnight after work, I would change the locks on his sorry butt.

 

The only time I'd let him back in the house is if he changed his ways. If he didn't want to, I'd tell him I was divorcing him.

 

Because moving out (or kicking the other person out) is a desperate, last resort reaction. Is it a desperate situation? I think not, OP said her husband was nice and loving (wouldn't have been my choice of word if my wife stayed partying all night with a friend on my birthday but she said it so there must be some good in there!) I agree with Caramel here...

 

Besides, changing the locks on a drunkard is likely going to get you nothing but a broken window, and then what?

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shadowofman

Besides a desperate split, kicking him out, or changing the locks. I would make it known that this behavior is unacceptable to you and suggest a split at the earliest convenience. He should be single or find a woman that is more compatible to his lifestyle if he wants to act this way. Logical adults come to these conclusions eventually. I realized I was tired of living with a substitute for the mother I had as a teenager.

 

Ironically, she has moved on to a LDR were she can never confirm his location ever. Why that is acceptable and our situation was not, I'll never know. Doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever.

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make me believe
I don't understand the game-playing people are encouraging here. This is not high school. You are both 29 years old and MARRIED adults, not little teenagers.

 

Game-playing is ridiculous. I'm wondering why you agreed to marry this guy to begin with.

 

I was thinking the same thing! They are married, she shouldn't play silly games to try to get back at him. Just sit his ass down and tell him this behavior is not ok and you're not going to put up with it anymore. And then back up your words with actions. If he DOES continue to pull this crap, then you can decide if you want to be married to a man who clearly has no respect for you and no interest in acting like a married man should.

 

Besides, changing the locks on a drunkard is likely going to get you nothing but a broken window, and then what?

 

LOL this is so true.

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Mrsgrump I have been exactly where you are now I could have written your post word for word!

 

Listen to your instincts they are screaming at you right now.

Your H has little respect for you and you are moving your expectations to accommodate him not yourself.

He has everything he needs at present why would he want to change? For you?nah you grumble a bit but its ok after that and he gets away with it again and again.Why change something that works for him?

 

If you feel you need "Proof" (and I did) that he is possibly cheating (he was!)then find out ,do some looking, turn up unexpectedly if he is out late and you can find him!

 

Be proactive or things will not change.If you need to move on you need to do it NOW while you are young (Im 43 and I waited to long)

 

My xH was kind,generous and nice he also lied ,cheated and disrespected me

for years and I let him for far to long.

 

Look after you.You are also kind generous and nice and deserve to be respected make that happen.

 

take care

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Geez, reading your post was like reading my life. That's what my soon to be x was like. I allowed it for YEARS. I never liked it but I would even say, "I want u to be happy and have fun, have a good night. Fast forward to the present, he has been cheating, lying, doing drugs and destroying our family.

 

Even "if" he isn't cheating, this is not ok. One warning and it's over. Be strong, don't let this man make a fool of you. He has decieved u once that u know about and now he is having shady behavior, don't let it slide. Don't be me, 14 years into a relationship that was never working for me and two kids later.

 

Sorry for your situation, it's hard if u aren't used to demanding and expecting nothing but respect for yourself. Good luck!!!!

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I wonder why some women say "I do" to guys that are clearly not marriage material.

 

I have often wondered this too. Three possible reasons come to mind.

 

1. A loss of personal agency - gained in contemplation that this is an expectation within marriage.

2. The person thinks if they can sort the other person out that their love will return.

3. Once they have slept with someone they try and make it work to the point of marriage. Rather than soberly considering whether they do in fact want to marry the person and testing them out a bit.

 

I don't know where people get the energy day to day in a setting such as outlined by the OP? I would rather go to the cinema and enjoy my life as a single person than get wrapped up in anything like that. I honestly could not do it. In a way I would think I was being patronising to my partner to put up with that stuff..

 

If something happened and my partner was struggling and maybe started drinking too much or something.. I would stick by him and help him.. to a point. Anything deliberate, calculating and hurtful.. p'ssshhhhhh. He knows what my answer would be..

 

Take care,

Eve x

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Woman In Blue

Hmmm...let me see.

 

A guy with a minimum wage job working in the bar/restaurant service industry who's already proved himself to be a cheater before you even married him, a liar, an irresponsible a*sshole and a raging drunk.

 

Wow, what a catch.

 

And you want to stay with this loser because - why?

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You ask if this is enough to end a marriage over. In my opinion, YES. Yes, it is.

 

He's already proven himself to be both a cheat and a liar. He spends all his money on himself and doesn't have enough left over for the bills. He stays out partying with his friends on YOUR birthday, leaving you alone. He lies to you over, and over, and over again about his whereabouts. His disrespect for you is palpable, honestly. He probably has a drinking problem that he is refusing to address, and nobody would exactly be surprised to find out that he was still cheating, would they?

 

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. If this were my experience of marriage, I would be divorced already.

 

Allowing him to continue to treat you this way is damaging your self-respect, I would imagine. I just can't see how it's worth it for the intervals (when nothing is expected of him or he feels like coming home anyway) that he acts sweet or gets his act together to do the bare minimum.

 

You don't need to nag him or follow around begging him to act like an adult, how is that good for you? Just tell him what's up: you are FINISHED putting up with his bull****. Next time, the locks are changed, and he is served with divorce papers. In the meantime, if he wants to stay married, he should agree to go to marriage counseling with you because the simple fact is that you don't trust him, and he is untrustworthy. Ask him to see a professional and get himself evaluated for alcoholism. And your best bet, start looking now for a place you can afford on your own.

 

It is sad when marriages don't work and they should be fought for but it sounds like you have been in the trenches fighting alone and just being spat on for your efforts. If he's not going to fight for the marriage too, I'd just consider it over. You'd be better off alone, and then hopefully a bit later you can find somebody whose love and ego have matured beyond high school.

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Thank you everyone for your posts

 

I wonder why some women say "I do" to guys that are clearly not marriage material.

 

Goldenspoon, as sappy as it sounds, I loved him and had never felt anything like that before. I was wrapped up in a whirlwind romance and marriage felt right at the time.

 

Woman in Blue:

 

'Hmmm...let me see.

 

A guy with a minimum wage job working in the bar/restaurant service industry who's already proved himself to be a cheater before you even married him, a liar, an irresponsible a*sshole and a raging drunk.

 

Wow, what a catch.

 

And you want to stay with this loser because - why? '

 

I know! This is what I wonder when I'm feeling p*ssed off! Of course I realised that he would probably always earn less than me, but I figured that LOVE is more important than money. But boy did that change when I found out he cheated on me. I think the truth is that knowing he cheated completely changed how I felt about him, I know my demands have been raised and I'm feeling p*ssed off about accepting the finance thing. It's not just that he has a low salary, but the fact that he is rubbish at managing i.e. not prioritising the bills and my birthday!

 

FYI that day he came home at 11am. He'd fallen asleep on the night bus. I believe him because he was genuinely upset himself (whereas other times he comes up with these stories with holes in them and I can tell he is lying) - but I still double locked the door so his key didn't work when he came home and screamed at him when I did let him back in. I let him go to bed but sent him a text (so I could convey to him calmly) that the next time he arrives in the morning without letting me know, I wouldn't say anything to him - but I would leave for a week.

 

As others have said, talk is not working, it's time for action. Unfortunately 'saying' that you don't accept something still seems to be accepting it if you have to keep repeating yourself.

 

I don't respect him like I used to. If I had the money I'd ask him to take a lie detector test just for my own peace of mind on the cheating - but that shouldn't be necessary in a marriage.

 

Regarding divorce, like I said, it would be easy to do it after a big dramatic event, but it feels strange to me do it based on these things when day to day we are fine... but I do question if he can make me happy in the long run. I don't mean to sound shallow on the finance thing, but I really expect my man to be able to pay HIS HALF as the bare minimum - the same as I would expect from a friend if we lived together! I'm not asking much!! I was happy to accept everything pre-cheating but now I wonder why I'm financially helping out this guy who betrayed me. I feel sad my husband can't help me when I need money but instead I'm still helping him... I realise I've been enabling him and have stopped bailing him out financially. I feel sad that I didn't even get a diamond ring when we got engaged because back then I didn't think it mattered - but now I do. And I'm still waiting for my birthday present.

 

Hmmm, I hate that I found out about the cheating just AFTER we got married - but I suppose that doesn't mean I'm confined to marriage for my whole life. It just feels sad to end a marriage when it's not completely shattered, but I suppose I have been trying ever since I found out he cheated. And that was a very sad way to start a marriage - tears and yelling and lack of trust. I don't think he can offer me much other than love - and even then that's a bit sketchy (as proven by cheating and lack of trust).

 

I suppose I'm also a bit nervous about going through divorce - and what my asian family (who weren't happy that I was marrying a non-asian) and friends will think. I KNOW that's not the most important thing - my happiness and sanity is much more important - but I think it is normal for someone to feel nervous about getting divorced. On the other hand, if I'm going to do it, then the sooner the better!

 

Any idea on how I'm supposed to 'know' if I should get divorced???

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Goldenspoon
Thank you everyone for your posts

 

 

 

Goldenspoon, as sappy as it sounds, I loved him and had never felt anything like that before. I was wrapped up in a whirlwind romance and marriage felt right at the time.

 

??

 

What are you? 5 year old? You HAVE TO eat that cookie or lick that lollipop? Use some common sense and self-control. That's what mature adults do. Or, do you want to wait until you got some STDs or HIV?

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Mrs Gump, I have never gone through a divorce, so I don't feel qualified to give you the advice you seek. There is a divorce board on these fora, you might get more experienced input there.

 

I'm not sure how big of a dramatic event you are looking for to push you over the edge, if infidelity, repetitive lying, and a total lack of trust and respect doesn't do it. I do understand wanting to work through problems and patch up a marriage, but I could only commit to that if it were mutual, and if my partner were actively working to save the marriage and build us up rather than dismissing my feelings and continually tearing us apart bit by little agonizing mind-wearying bit. I also wonder what exactly the threat of leaving for one week was supposed to impart, in your situation--honestly, your husband sounds like the type to interpret that as an invitation for a week long bender rather than some kind of 'shape up or ship out' ultimatum. What did he say in response to this? Did you ask him to confront his own alcoholism, or commit to marriage counseling with you? Did you tell him that you have been thinking about divorce? Does he know that you have felt angry and disappointed ever since you found out about his infidelity, or does he think that's buried in the past?

 

I understand feeling anxious and regretful and a myriad other emotions at the prospect of divorce. But only you can decide when the mistrust, anger, disrespect and disappointment have irrevocably overwhelmed that which was positive in your marriage. I guess I just can't imagine not having reached that point already, in your shoes.

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Your husband sounds a bit like my ex husband. I tried to rationalize that he would mature in time and that things would get better. But when we had children, things got much worse. His partying and disrespectful nature increased, and I was left to work and tend to the children while he was out until 5 or 6am cheating on me.

 

If you don't have children, I would recommend moving on with your life. You are still young enough to make a life with someone else, a responsible man who wants to be with you and doesn't leave you in the dust because he wants to drink and cheat.

 

As for how others will view you??? This is YOUR life, and you should do what is best for you. I was also worried about what my parents would think about divorce, but when I told them about what I was going through, they were supportive of my decision. Even if your family is not supportive, you can get through it with the help of a therapist or a friend. Your husband is not being a husband to you. If he wants to party, he should include you (if that's your thing).

 

Based on personal experience, I can attest that a man who is more interested in his social life, drinking, and cheating is not likely to make a good father (if you plan on having children). Most or all of the work will fall on you and you will become even more resentful than you already are.

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Thanks again for all the helpful comments - especially from those with similar experiences like Mauschen

 

I finally took the plunge yesterday and after another argument I called my mum to tell her that he had cheated on me in the past and that I want to divorce him. I haven't told her the full extent, like the drinking and coming home in the mornings, for her own protection! But she is still being very supportive and listening. I explained to her about his crappy finances and the fact he saves nothing and I am always bailing him out even when I'm not working and she is sympathetic that this is not a good quality for a husband or a possible father. She thought that he had been helping me out so was surprised to know the truth.

 

Having spoken to him, he's said that he understands why I want to separate, and he accepts that he is the one who has been causing the problems. We were both unhappy. I told him that I tried to make it work and accept everything, but unfortunately he has pushed me to my limits - he completely agrees - which is really saying something.

 

So I guess it is agreed. I'm staying with my family for a few days and he will move out soon. I have to say this feels right - I'm not regretting the decision and I'm excited about moving on with my life... it may not have hit me fully yet, but I feel I'm moving in the right direction...

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mrsgrump,

 

I am glad you've taken the plunge. For me, I went through a lot of different phases regarding the divorce including feelings of freedom, and then being scared of the unknown, regret, and then all of those all over again.

 

At this point, a few years later, I am married to a responsible, loving man who is a good husband and stepfather. I still mourn the loss of my first marriage at times, but mostly because of the difficulties of raising children with an ex. I do not regret leaving my ex at all and once my children are grown, I plan on never talking to him again (can't wait!).

 

I am glad your husband has taken responsibility (if you can call it that) for the downfall of your marriage at least. Hopefully he will make the divorce easy on you because of that.

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