Boyfriend Rejects Sex: I'm so frustated!

[lemonverbena]

Hello forum. I'm new to this, but I also have a dilema, and here I am. I'm not sure what to do about my boyfreind. I'm so incredibly sexually frustrated due to lack of sex that I get angry for no reason, and feel extremely resentful towards the man I thought was my best friend. We have been dating for about 17 months, and living together almost the whole time. We were good friends first, and when we started dating, we just kind of started to spend every night at eachother's place untill we lived together offically. I think the overexposure to spending time together may have had something to do with it a little.

 

In the beginning everything was amazing. Like it usually is. I had never felt that kind of a connection with anyone. We clicked instantly and became good friends. (I'm 28 , my boyfriend is 29, and I have already been divorced. Long story.) We had sex steadily for the first few months, and he was sweet on me, texted me daily with cute little messages, and kind, he made effort to be with me, see me, etc., and he was romantic, then it kind of started to slow down, which I expected, but then it stopped suddenly, after about 5 months, and started to turn into him literally ignoring my advances, wiggling out of a hug, pushing me away from a long kiss, and shoving me off of him at night. I was so confused, I thought he liked these things! (No he isn't gay.) He always has an exuse for not wanting anything from me. I at least told him to tell me BEFORE I make an advance towards him at night, so I don't get offended and feel rejected after getting worked up, but i'm still feeling rejected. I told him it hurts me when he turns me down for sex and he goes "why would it hurt you, i just don't want to have sex." (which has dwindled down to like once a month or less for the last 6 months.) and I told him it hurts me as his girlfriend to be rejected and feel like her boyfriend doesn't want her anymore. He doesn't see it as rejection.

 

There is also NO romance, flirting, notes, cute texts, or anything of the sort anymore, and when I try to talk to him about it he stares at the wall like i'm not there. I think he stopped all of this because he thought it would make me want him more, and in reality, he wants me to want him less. Weird psychology there. He treats me like i'm a friend and gets almost offended when I make passes at him or flirt with him. I can't even flirt with my boyfriend, it's like he gets all wierded out when I hit on him. And when he flirts with me, I just get mad, because I can't flirt with him. It's a weird kind of resentment... I'm sick and tired of trying to get my boyfriend to pay attention to me, I was almost begging him for any ounce of romance, or whatever. I have stopped trying to ask politely for him to be romantic, never nagging, knowing that would just make it worse, and in turn, he has backed off completely. It's like i'm not even his girlfriend, but a live-in friend. I feel like I do everything to keep things alive. I leave him little notes, little texts, tell him how sexy I think he is, cook him good dinners, go for walks with him, and all my efforts are for nothing.

 

Sex is so rare, when we DO have it, I feel weird now, like he's doing it just to make me happy, and he doesn't want it. It's not natural, and it's almost awkward. That's not how it should be. I feel rejected, un-attractive, insecure, and just plain sad. I still love him, but I can feel my attraction to him going away, and that makes me sad. After my divorce I vowed to keep my next relationship alive and juicy and do all I could to not let it die. And that's what he did. I know he knows I feel this way and we have talked about it, but I don't see him doing ANYTHING that I ask him to do to make me happy too. I know he is happy, he tells me all the time. I feel alone in this relationship. I dont' nag him, complain, I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, most of the errand running, and get all household affairs in order. Maybe I do too much? He's bored? Maybe he thinks of me like a mom? That's disturbing.

 

Oh, and i've become jealous. Of him. And any girl he comes in contact with. I've NEVER been the jealous type. I'm college educated, have a steady career, self sufficiant, indepentant, can fix almost anything, and very pretty, and I know i'm a catch. He tells me i'm perfect for him, and loves me. But I get jealous of any girl that talks to my boyfriend because i've become insecure in the relationship because I'm not getting what I want and feel like he might see something better for him out there and go with that. How could I not feel that way?

 

It's just so sad, and I end up crying sometimes, and sleeping on the sofa because I would rather sleep alone than be rejected by the guy that I love and or sleep by someone that I feel like a friend with most of the time. I'm so dissapointed, I thought he would be different.

 

Over that last year I have come to a few conclusions: He's bipolar. For real. He's been clinically diagnosed, and his crazy moods throw off his whole day. One day, he's all about me, the next week, he's angry and a huge mess emotionally and snapps at me. He has gained about 30 lbs in the last 7 months and feels unhealty. He's also asexual. I found the offical website describing people that are asexual and showed him, and he agreed that it sounded just like him. He doesn't get sexually turned on by me, porn, or any women at all. He just gets excited sometimes by me, and that's rare. In the beginning I think he was just excited about the relationship, and that's why he was sweet, and aroused. But now I get freaked out at the thought of children, or marriage with him. He thinks I don't want to get married again, truth is, I don't think I want to marry him. Scary, but he doesn't make me happy. I almost left him a month ago, but we talked, I stayed, and we've only had sex 1 time since then. And still no romance otherwise. Maybe he is who he is now, and he will never be who I started dating again.

 

But where does that leave me now? With a boyfriend who is my best friend, we still have fun, talk, hang out, and his family and friends love me, but isn't interested in being romantic, leaving notes, messages, going on dates, having sex, flirting with me, or letting me flirt with him or get what I need as a human out of a relationship? I know the obvious answer is to break up, but I was looking for some advice on what to do in the meantime. We have an apartment, and I have a small thread of hope that something can be salvaged...

 

Thank you!!!!

[PinkInTheLimo]

You have to break up with him because you are not happy with him. It is as simple as that. Of course it is difficult because he showed you in the beginning how great it could be. Since he did not keep it up I think it was some kind of appearance to hook you in the relationship. I understand that it is horrible because you keep hoping that the romance of the early days will come back.

 

I think this guy is abusive because he constantly gives you the message that he rejects you.

 

Most important thing in a relationship is how the other makes you feel. He does not make you feel secure and loved, so time to break up, even though it is hard.

[Zoe B]

Hello, Just to let you know. You are not alone.

 

I share the same situation with you. Ive been with my GF for about 4 years now and I made a commitment at the beginning of the relationship to always treat it like dating. Never let things get boring, stay in shape, do new and fun things all the time, be funny, keep in a positive mood and be supportive and listen to what she has to say. However, about 1 year and a half ago, things changed in her. When i would make advances on her, she would often reject and after a while show a sense of agrivation. I asked her what the problem was and she would just say she wasnt in the mood. Needless to say, after a while she was no longer completely interested and my self esteem took a termendous blow. My gut told me she was gettting sex elsewhere and sure enough it was true. I found out without her finding out it and didnt know how to act. So as i knew things were most likely over between us. So i decieded to test something out while this was going on before things completely went to down the drain. I stopped trying. I stopped answering calls and stop texting back, basically showing not a sense of care anymore towards her. I wanted to reverse the sense of rejection she had given me for the last year and few months. Needless to say, things started to change in her. She started to put a great effort in trying to see me and complain if i didnt see her. I really told her that the sexual distance was killing us and if we werent compatible on that, id still be open to conversation, but we'd most likely have to continue as friends. this killed me on the inside, but i though what the hey. She kept texting and day by day and i would reply every now and then, After a while this changed things in her, she built up a longing for what we used to do and the tons of romance i would provide. Surely enough, we went back to having sex daily and do things to together for a while, but i really couldnt get over the fact she saw someone else while were comitted. so i just ended it like i had planned..just my input on the situation, hopefully it helps you in anyway, making your next move.

 

never blame yourself. You didn what you were supposed to in a relationship. Your a wonderful person and need to understand that relationship should always remain a 2 way avenue, what you put in, is what you should get out. Never feel obligated to run the show completely alone.

[shadowofman]

Thats the thing about having a monogamous relationship. It's like putting all your eggs in one basket. Find someone else to screw.

[Els]

A few things...

 

One, at the beginning of any relationship it's new, fun, exciting, and people put their best foot forward. That can only last so long. Somewhere between 3-6 months is when true colors start to show and you get to see how the person "really" is.

 

I know you knew each other as friends before, but your relationship changed when it became romantic.

 

Two, he could have other medical issues. Maybe he should have his testosterone level checked. Testosterone levels being low will cause a low libido, ED issues, and weight gain in the abdominal area for men. It might be time for him to get a physical and a blood panel run checking his T levels as well.

 

Maybe he also needs to be on bi-polar meds if he isn't already.

 

Three, he doesn't seem to care much that he's this way or the effect that it's having on you. This, to me, is as big a problem as the lack of sex is. If you guys can't communicate effectively, and BOTH of you aren't willing to invest in the relationship, how much of a relationship is it?

 

Because you feel you are so compatible in other ways, I'd ask him to see a doctor and get those tests run. If he refuses, then I'd personally have to take that as his disinterest in addressing this issue at all.

 

I second this. Excellent advice.

[Mauschen]

I disagree with the doctor advice. He USED to do nice things for you and made you feel special. Now he just takes you for granted. Things are unlikely to change. I would cut your losses and leave - you're not married and have no kids with him. A marriage with this man would likely be miserable.

 

I know how hard it is to leave, but your relationship is not making you happy and your bf is not meeting your needs in any way.

[lemonverbena]

Thank you for the advice. You are right, I should break up with him. It's been a voice in the back of my mind for months now. I KNOW I'm not getting what I need from him, even when I say to him "I'm not getting what I need, this is what I need from this relationship, and It's not there. Let's make some changes, or I can't do this". And still, no changes. Does that mean he doesn't care if I stay or go? He tells me he loves me, but I don't see it as often as I like. Maybe we are speaking different languages. I'll ask him about seeing a doctor, or even a relationship councelor with me before calling it off, I like to exhaust all of my options before saying good bye. This helps though, thank you.

[Dust]

My gf pretty much lost all sex drive at the 6 month mark. Having sex with her was like pulling teeth for the both of us. The thing is I’ve been with her for going on 3 years now and I really love her and she brings mostly joy to my life. I flat out have to be willing to tell her I need sex now. (nicely of course) I really laid it out we need to have sex or our relationship will end. I think she does get into it once we are having sex but its hard for her to flip that switch. I’m hoping I can get to the point were we regularly have sex once a week right now its more like once every 2 weeks which is way to long. The best would be more then once a week like twice or three would be incredible.

 

If I lost all hope of having a sexually satisfy relationship I would end things. Seems like you may have lost all hope. Don’t be silly he has to try and only he can fix this. As a woman I don’t know if you are capable about taking the same approach I have and pretty much demanding sex. Not to mention my gf will get wet physically but your bf might not be able to get erect. Although he could give you naked massages and then eat you out or finger you till you orgasm with out an erection.

 

Bottom line he could have physical problems for any number of reasons or combination of reasons like being out of shape or on medication. Maybe he is looking at porn or masturbating as his primary way of sexual relief. Maybe he is cheating.

 

Any of those reasons if he is not going to fix them and you have lost hope is a reason to dump him. The thing is it isn’t just sex. Some on will always have the higher sex drive. If that person is made to feel like crap then the relationship will probably end so better to do it now. The only thing you can do as the higher sex drive person is make clear how important this is and really talking about it past that will only cause fights, heck just mentioning it can cause fights. What the lower sex drive person should do if they want to save the relationship is just have sex, this will actually help lower the other persons sex drive and help reach a harmony level.

 

You can only try so much though. A romantic relationship is about more then just being friends, you need passion.

[musemaj11]

Stop cookin n cleanin for him if he won't fullfil his own responsibility.

[make me believe]

You have been together for less than two years and have all of these HUGE issues. Why waste anymore time with him?? This is a big reason I'm not a fan of cohabitation. If you guys hadn't lived together since the beginning you probably would have broken up with him a long time ago because it's so much easier when you don't live together. I don't think it's normal for the sex to start dwindling after only five months, and especially not to only once a month after less than two years. You can't be in a "relationship" that is essentially a friendship & nothing more for the rest of your life. You are only 28, you can easily find an awesome guy who will satisfy you in ALL of the ways that it takes to sustain a relationship.

[Woman In Blue]

Lemon, I think the writing is on the wall. I've known several people over the years who had tried to have relationships with bipolar people and it DIDN'T bode well at all. NONE of them are together.

 

What you see is what you GET. That isn't magically going to change.

[Loni]

Sounds to me like he is having an affair. Sorry.

[lemonverbena]

So after months of sexual frustration, and after realizing the only time I get sex is when I tell him how unhappy I am to be living with a "roomate" and that I've considered leaving, I checked back on a website that confirmed what I have feared. My boyfriend is definately Asexual. He isn't sexually attracted, or aroused by me, or anyone. He sees our partnership as just that, a partnership. We are best friends. We have so many things in common. He's always there when I need him, and he recently told me how silly he thought it would be if we broke up because of sex (or lack thereof). He MUST understand that having sex for someone who is "sexual" like myself is a way of validating love and affection in a relationshop. To know your spouse finds you sexy, attractive, and to build confidence and faith in the future of the relationship. So he may think we would be breaking up because of sex, I would like to think it's because I want to keep my sanity and stop obsessing over why my boyfriend, the man I love more than any man in the world, won't kiss me, hold me longingly, make out with me, make love... etc. I think his ignorance to this situation is also making him ignorant to a slew of other problems in the relationship, and those are not things I can teach. He's a big boy, if your girlfriend is mad, there must be a reason. I guess I have some soul searching to do.

[make me believe]

So he may think we would be breaking up because of sex, I would like to think it's because I want to keep my sanity and stop obsessing over why my boyfriend, the man I love more than any man in the world, won't kiss me, hold me longingly, make out with me, make love... etc. I think his ignorance to this situation is also making him ignorant to a slew of other problems in the relationship, and those are not things I can teach. He's a big boy, if your girlfriend is mad, there must be a reason. I guess I have some soul searching to do.

 

If he tries to protest that you're breaking up with him "just" because of sex, then clearly he doesn't understand or accept the importance of sex in a long term relationship. You can't live your life feeling rejected & unattractive to your partner. It will chip away at you bit by bit, as you have already experienced.

 

Woman In Blue is right.... what you see is what you get. Your BF isn't going to change and I don't think ANY healthy, sexual person can accept a lifetime of a sexless relationship.