Fed up, depressed, and don't know...

[Kivu]

I am very depressed today. I had about four hours of sleep last night, and I have been doing some fairly strenuous physical activity, so I am both mentally and physically tired. Also I found out today that someone I thought I could be friends with is definitely not my friend. So that’s why the following is bothering me so much.

 

I’m mentioned in other posts that me and my husband eloped more than four years ago. We’ve had a very rocky relationship since then, although things have (sort of) been looking up over the last three months. We do love each other deeply, do everything together, and enjoy each other’s company, but we have many problems, and I’m sure I’m not 100% perfect here.

 

(My last couple of posts about a girl he has been spending time with – he has cut all contact now, finally.)

 

He refuses to tell anyone that I’m his wife. Okay, he has told a couple of people but no one significant. Not his parents, not his friends, not his co-workers. His excuses are myriad and some of them even make sense. His mother would be absolutely ****ing furious and it would be months before she would forgive us.

 

At first he told me that we just wouldn’t be telling his family, but his friends and his co-workers would know. Then after we married and I moved in with him he informed me that he wouldn’t be telling his friends and co-workers either. He said this state of affairs wouldn’t last forever. Maybe a year.

 

I...can’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was a rejection of everything I thought was between us. I felt suicidal. I felt like he was ashamed of me, that he was hiding me. I thought (and continue to think) that he wants other women to be interested in him and didn’t want to drive them off. I cried for months.

 

I talked to him about all of these things, begged and pleaded for it to be different. He finally told me that if I didn’t drop this then our relationship would be permanently harmed and he didn’t want to hear it anymore. He promised that he would tell everyone we were engaged as a stopgap measure if I would stop bringing it up. (He never did.)

 

January this year he told me that we would get “married” in the summer, as an easy way to come out to his mother. After long acquaintance with his promises I was doubtful, but I held out hope that soon this hellish (and I know this seems histrionic, but I really can’t think of a more accurate descriptor) ordeal would be over.

 

Monday he said that no. We wouldn’t be marrying this summer.

 

I don’t know if you know how it feels for the one person you love and trust most in the world to stand right beside you and lie about how important you are to him. I am so ****ing sick of being introduced as a “girlfriend” or a “partner”. I am his WIFE. I have been his wife for four years. It’s like a punch to the gut every single time.

 

I honestly and sincerely do not see our relationship ever getting better without this issue being resolved. I have explained this to him over and over. We cannot have a fair and equal and open relationship when the relationship itself has been denied over and over by him.

 

What is more, his father already knows (he guessed, and I didn’t bother to correct him). Lots of his friends know, since I told them. They are all happy for us. His grandmother actually told him that she can’t wait to dance at our wedding. There is no earthly reason for him to continue denying our relationship, except for the problem with his mother, but as his wife I expect him at some point just to tell his mother about us and suck it up. His mother also doesn’t mind that we’re together, and has even made it clear that she wants grandchildren. As soon as possible

 

I am planning to talk to him about all this sometime this week, or weekend. Once I have a full night’s sleep under me.

 

The biggest problem I can see is that he hates conflict and confrontation and will do anything to get away from it. Thus not telling his mother, and thus not wanting to discuss it. If I bring up the subject he will tell me he wants to discuss it later, or he hasn’t thought about it, or quit pushing him. This is what will happen this weekend, I’m sure, and if I try to say, “But love, it’s four years now, it’s past time to do this” he’s going to get furious with me.

 

I really do not know how to force the issue other than by saying that if we don’t get married I’m just going to tell everyone. I really don’t want to do that.

 

So I guess this post is for suggestions. I would accept any help at this point.

[denise_xo]

Kivu, from your previous posts what I remember most clearly is this: Your husband is abusive and I think you explicitly acknowledged that. Do you really want to keep investing in such a relationship? If so, why?

[Kivu]

You know, I'm not really sure. Probably all the romantic nonsense about how much I love him and all that.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Well, I guess he must be abusive then - I am sorry that the person you married treats you that way. No one deserves that.

 

But specifically in this situation: has he told you that the only reason he's keeping this a secret is to avoid bothering mommy dearest? Then at best, you've married a mama's boy who's so fearful of his mother's judgments that he'd rather keep an ongoing secret over something foolish. Beyond that, who knows the deluded reasons for keeping this a secret - so he can cheat on you? So he doesn't have to deal with conversations (although apparently it still comes up) about grandchildren, etc.?

 

If he weren't abusive to you, my advice would be, after he introduces you as a friend, partner, whatever, to extend your hand and say, "Actually, I'm his wife. Nice to meet you." But...in this case I would not advise that.

 

He's telling you to shut up and play by all of his rules. He doesn't listen to you and blames YOU for wanting your marriage ACKNOWLEDGED. It's absolutely bizarre that he wouldn't want to acknowledge his marriage with the woman he loves. Often, that's part of what marriage is about - just having it acknowledged among your family and friends.

 

My advice - given the abuse as well - would be to leave. I know that you must love this man and care deeply about him, but he refuses to meet your needs, invalidates your feelings, desires and opinions by telling you to more or less shut up when it's something he doesn't want to hear - and, well, yes, he abuses you.

 

Do you have any family or friends who could help you? Start distancing yourself a little at a time. If you can, spend a day or two a week doing your own thing - going out with friends, etc. Often in situations like this, the love feels so strong and important because the person has put all of his/her eggs into that one basket. Start putting your interest elsewhere if you can - make more friends, join a charity, get a job (if you don't have one already), etc. That will help you see that you CAN survive without him and you CAN be emotionally fulfilled without him.

 

Don't allow the rest of your life to slip away from you with an abusive partner. I have seen it far too many times 20 or 30 years down the road. It is a sad life to spend your best years - and even your declining years - with someone who treats you terribly.

[Woman In Blue]

I don't get it.

 

How can you possibly LOVE someone who disrespects you, devalues you, demeans you, and belittles you?

 

What am I missing here??

[asthill]

Hey Sis, I want you to know that no one deserves to be treated like this. Firstly, abuse is not to be taken lightly. What will come next after word, actions, then death. I do not know this character you have as a husband, but you may need to separate from him for a while to get your thoughts, and mind cleared, and mindset secured.

 

If Mama Dearest is still the #1 person he is trying to please and not you, then him mama is still a place in his life where you need to be. Also, you need to realize that love is the separating of one self from parents and their opinion and cleaving to your partner. You two become one. If he is not honoring you as a wife, are you just a sex toy that he climbs on to get a thrill, or is he using you for pleasure?

 

Sorry this maybe difficult to swallow, but if you have been married for 4 years, the world needs to know. Another thing you can do is if he has a close friend to a third party that he respect, go to that person and see what happens. You definitely need a third party involved so that he begins to listen.If this does not happen, you will continue to be hurt daily or whenever the subject arises.

[Kivu]

It's really hard to explain. He's not abusive all the time. I actually think he's clinically depressed due to some of the things he's been telling me lately. Moreover, I think he understands that he's depressed, and is trying to fight his way out of it and is not having the best time doing it. He absolutely hates all medicine (won't even take aspirin when he needs it) and hates counselling (due to things that happened when his dad divorced his mother) so he can't get help that way.

 

See, I got more sleep last night and can be more objective

 

A couple of months ago he told me that he realised that he hasn't been approaching this relationship in the best way, and he was going to put me as the most important thing in his life and listen to me more and do more things my way. The first thing he did was to stop talking to that girl, because I asked him. He's started doing other little things, too, and when I express a desire for something he actually tries to do it.

 

He's not perfect, and sometimes he backslides. He has been trying to tell me the things in his head that bother him (that's why I think he's clinically depressed and possibly has been for years) and sometimes he resents me for knowing things about him, which is waaaay strange but it's how he works.

 

So I've been all hopeful about how things are going, and then he tells me we're not getting "married" this summer after all, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. He promised we would about a year and a half ago.

 

My plan is this:

 

He's getting really good news today about a project he's been working on. He's been stressed about it recently, and thinks the news might not be good, but I'm certain it will be great and he will be in a fabulous mood.

 

He's going out drinking with friends from work tonight, which always makes him happy. So I can't talk to him tonight, or tomorrow since he'll be hungover, but we don't have anything planned this weekend and I will raise it then.

 

I just need to have a really soft buildup to it, so he doesn't freak out.

[Kivu]

Short update - he did get excellent news, which sets him up for the next four years, and will leave him a lot less tense. We also both went out last night with his friends and had a good time. He's starting to invite me out with him every time he goes out, which is another good start to things and makes me think he's serious about approaching the relationship in a better way.

 

So I'm going to proceed with my plan. We're going to go over to the next town tomorrow and have a good time, so I'm thinking that would be a softer way to bring it up. The only problem would be if he absolutely doesn't discuss it, gets angry, and walks away. I'm really uncertain about how he's going to react. Maybe 20% chance he'll just shut me down and walk away and leave me to find my own way home?

 

Will let you know...this forum has really helped me, thank you all.

[denise_xo]

Kivu, I see a lot of him, him, him in those two posts. His needs, his depression, his worries, his moods. And a lot of excuses for his behaviour.

 

This is something I learned the hard way: The majority of people who treat you badly are not actually 'bad' or 'evil' at heart. There are often perfectly understandable reasons why they do what they do. However, don't make the mistake of confusing that with saying that it is OK. I dated an alcoholic once who was, at heart, a wonderful, beautiful person. I loved him then and still have a love for him in my heart. But he treated me crappy when he was drunk. He had gone through so many hurdles in his life that it was quite impressive that he was managing as well as he did. I could have written several pages on why it was 'understandable' that he was acting the way he did. But unfortunately I had to learn the hard way that it just wasn't good enough, and that 'understandable' doesn't cut it to justify abusive behaviour.

 

So, I think you should start paying attention to all the excuses you are making for your partner:

 

- he doesn't like medication

- he doesn't like counselling

- he's depressed

- he's not abusive all the time ()

- he's not having the best time fighting his depression

- he's not perfect

- it's how he works

- he's been stressed about his project

 

I say, WHATEVER. All of that is totally irrelevant. You say it is really hard to explain, but I don't think this is complex at all. You are allowing yourself to be treated badly. Forget about him. He is what he is, as you say. The 'good signs' are way too little, too late. Look back at your own post. You are going to address the issue that he is hiding you, and you are expecting that he might just shut you down and walk away? DAMMIT lady that's just not good enough!!

[Kivu]

No, you’re absolutely right, and when I finally talked to him about it I kept your “it’s not good enough” in my head to kind of give me courage enough not to back down at the first sign of disagreement.

 

I waited until he said that he didn’t have anything to do, and told him I wanted to talk about something, and then just laid it out on the line for him. I explained that I had been very patient, and given him four years to get used to the idea, and a further week to plan what he did want to do. I told him I was sick of being introduced as his girlfriend when I was his wife. I told him that I really wanted to tell my parents. I also said I was tired of lying to people.

 

I told him that everyone either knows or suspects we’re married (it’s hard to hide something like that). Everyone seemed happy with our choice, and the only problem was his feelings about it. Then I asked him why he still didn’t want to be honest with everyone.

 

He said that we got married so that I would move in with him, and that he didn’t think we would be married now if it weren’t for that. He made a rash choice when he was inexperienced and now he didn’t know if he would choose the same way. (I said that we are actually married and have been married four years now, whether or not he would choose something else.)

 

He also said he didn’t see the relationship lasting more than another three years and he didn’t want to tell his family we were married because if we did divorce it would be more of an issue in his dealings with them. (I told him if he didn’t think we would last he shouldn’t stay with me now. And that if we did divorce it would still be an issue, whether or not they knew it was a divorce.)

 

I told him we didn’t have to be married. He said, “If you feel that way about it....” and looked at me in a hurt way.

 

He wanted more time to “deal with things” in his head. I said he’s had four years.

 

We’re going on holiday this summer with my parents to Las Vegas, and I said that would be the perfect time to “elope”, with my parents there to see it (I’m pretty sure we can “marry” a second time there?). Then when we came back home we could have two receptions, one for each of his divorced parent’s families. That way everyone knows, my parents are happy, and his parents at least are able to celebrate with us in a fair way (one of the problems we face is trying to have a wedding with everyone, when his divorced parents hate each other). And he wouldn’t have to do a single thing about it, if he didn’t want to – I would take care of everything. Plus I have a lot of time off and it would be best to do it then.

 

I thought that was a pretty good solution.

 

He said fine. He said OKAY!!!!! He said he’d talk to his mum as soon as he could to set it up!!!

 

I’m absolutely shocked! I still don’t believe it.

 

Sunday was absolutely wonderful, probably the best day I’ve had in years. He was happy with me, and we had a fun time together – we went to a show, walked around a lot, got sunburned, and basically enjoyed each other. He’s been saying how he likes spending time with me, and making time to spend together, and all sorts of things I’ve been dying for him to say for years.

 

I still don’t believe this though, so I may be back in a couple of weeks bitching about it again.

 

But right now, I’m probably the happiest bunny you’ve ever seen

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[denise_xo]

No, you’re absolutely right, and when I finally talked to him about it I kept your “it’s not good enough” in my head to kind of give me courage enough not to back down at the first sign of disagreement.

 

I waited until he said that he didn’t have anything to do, and told him I wanted to talk about something, and then just laid it out on the line for him. I explained that I had been very patient, and given him four years to get used to the idea, and a further week to plan what he did want to do. I told him I was sick of being introduced as his girlfriend when I was his wife. I told him that I really wanted to tell my parents. I also said I was tired of lying to people.

 

I told him that everyone either knows or suspects we’re married (it’s hard to hide something like that). Everyone seemed happy with our choice, and the only problem was his feelings about it. Then I asked him why he still didn’t want to be honest with everyone.

 

He said that we got married so that I would move in with him, and that he didn’t think we would be married now if it weren’t for that. He made a rash choice when he was inexperienced and now he didn’t know if he would choose the same way. (I said that we are actually married and have been married four years now, whether or not he would choose something else.)

 

He also said he didn’t see the relationship lasting more than another three years and he didn’t want to tell his family we were married because if we did divorce it would be more of an issue in his dealings with them. (I told him if he didn’t think we would last he shouldn’t stay with me now. And that if we did divorce it would still be an issue, whether or not they knew it was a divorce.)

 

I told him we didn’t have to be married. He said, “If you feel that way about it....” and looked at me in a hurt way.

 

He wanted more time to “deal with things” in his head. I said he’s had four years.

 

We’re going on holiday this summer with my parents to Las Vegas, and I said that would be the perfect time to “elope”, with my parents there to see it (I’m pretty sure we can “marry” a second time there?). Then when we came back home we could have two receptions, one for each of his divorced parent’s families. That way everyone knows, my parents are happy, and his parents at least are able to celebrate with us in a fair way (one of the problems we face is trying to have a wedding with everyone, when his divorced parents hate each other). And he wouldn’t have to do a single thing about it, if he didn’t want to – I would take care of everything. Plus I have a lot of time off and it would be best to do it then.

 

I thought that was a pretty good solution.

 

He said fine. He said OKAY!!!!! He said he’d talk to his mum as soon as he could to set it up!!!

 

I’m absolutely shocked! I still don’t believe it.

 

Sunday was absolutely wonderful, probably the best day I’ve had in years. He was happy with me, and we had a fun time together – we went to a show, walked around a lot, got sunburned, and basically enjoyed each other. He’s been saying how he likes spending time with me, and making time to spend together, and all sorts of things I’ve been dying for him to say for years.

 

I still don’t believe this though, so I may be back in a couple of weeks bitching about it again.

 

But right now, I’m probably the happiest bunny you’ve ever seen

 

Wait a second. You are planning to re-marry a man who has just told you that he think it was a mistake to marry you, and that he only sees your relationship lasting another three years (and this is after he has hidden you for four years)?? Why are you a happy bunny about that? :confused: I really and sincerely don't mean to pi** on your parade, but it doesn't add up to me. Can you explain how this is 'a pretty good solution?

[Kivu]

Stupid browser ate my post. I wrote out five reasons why I'm still happy.

 

He says things when he's upset that he doesn't mean and will deny them later. The two things you bolded are of that type. He was trying to make me back down on this issue, and later when I asked him, "Do you really think we won't last", he said that it wasn't what he meant.

 

He also gets really depressed when we argue a lot (and we argue a lot because I'm unhappy about this issue) so hopefully we will argue less and he'll be less depressed, and the marriage as a whole will be happier.

 

I feel like things are turning around, and I'm optimistic, hopeful, and happy. It's been four years of nightmare, feeling like he didn't want me, feeling invalidated on a deep level. Even if it doesn't last I'm still thrilled that this issue may be gone.

[xxoo]

He also gets really depressed when we argue a lot (and we argue a lot because I'm unhappy about this issue) so hopefully we will argue less and he'll be less depressed, and the marriage as a whole will be happier.

 

I'll give you that your situation is unique, in that you are already married and only re-marrying....but one of the most common mistakes women make when deciding to marry is thinking that marriage will "fix" problems they already recognize in the relationship.

 

The underlying issues will not change. You will certainly still have things to argue about. Are you planning on having children? Starting a family is a stressful time for even the strongest couples.

[denise_xo]

Stupid browser ate my post. I wrote out five reasons why I'm still happy.

 

He says things when he's upset that he doesn't mean and will deny them later. The two things you bolded are of that type. He was trying to make me back down on this issue, and later when I asked him, "Do you really think we won't last", he said that it wasn't what he meant.

 

He also gets really depressed when we argue a lot (and we argue a lot because I'm unhappy about this issue) so hopefully we will argue less and he'll be less depressed, and the marriage as a whole will be happier.

 

I feel like things are turning around, and I'm optimistic, hopeful, and happy. It's been four years of nightmare, feeling like he didn't want me, feeling invalidated on a deep level. Even if it doesn't last I'm still thrilled that this issue may be gone.

 

Well, I wish you the best and I hope this relationship will give you what you are looking for. Being a random outsider on an internet forum, I only see more excuses for his bad behaviour and a hope that he will change, which I am skeptical to. But I sincerely hope I am wrong and that the situation is genuinely turning. What kind of boundaries are you going to set for yourself in this new stage of your relationship?

[Kivu]

Small update -

 

He's told his dad and we've booked a place in Vegas to "marry". I'm going to make it a surprise for my parents.

 

He's also told all his co-workers, and his friends.

 

We've also been getting along nicely and he's been lovely to me.

 

The reason why I think this will solve some of the problems in our marriage is because this is an issue that has made me unhappy from the very beginning, which makes him impatient with me and also causes a lot of other problems. Plus I don't think he ever fully committed to me. I think he's ready to commit now, and without this issue hanging over me I feel I can be a lot happier with him.

 

I will check back later to say whether it's made a big difference.

 

The only person left now is his mother. I told him to tell her over text He's considering voicemail!

[bigmomma1974]

i will tell you you are one determine woman. there is no way in hell i would be married to a man for 4 years and let him call me his gf or partner unless we where role playing. YOu got guts. Good luck to ya and i hope things turn out for ya. Cause MY Ass would have left along time ago.