Lanapalace Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 It seems crazy to have to ask, but I want your opinions. I do plan to get the book that was posted below. But in the meantime, I just need someone to talk to. I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband is good with the children. He has been physically abusive to a degree at various times in our marrige. I say to a degree because I have never had any broken bones or black eyes, but I have had bruises where he has grabbed my arm, a sprained finger, he has pulled my hair and back in June yelled at me so loud, cursing, so close to my face that he was litterally biting my nose as he spoke. While I know these are obviously physically abusive episodes, they are few and far between - the last one was in June, but the one before that had been probably about 3 years ago. The one in June started because I got upset that he had thrown away some ceramic tiles he knew I wanted to use. He took them to the dump, after I had asked him to leave them alone. He felt like they were "in the way" yet if you saw the volumes of "stuff" he thinks he needs to save...anyway I got upset and used the word sh*t, saying, "oh so it's okay for you to have your sh*t lying around but not for me to have mine." He gets incredibily angry if I use any bad language at all. After the incident I left for a week and insisted he go to anger management counselling. He went three times. Then he quit and told me that he knew that it was my cursing that set him off and that if I don't curse it won't happen again. Okay, I don't have any true need in life to use curse words, so I can agree to that. But why do I have to be careful what I say so as not to get jerked around by the hair? He also is very controlling, but when I try to tell him that he says, "what do I control? I don't get to control anything!" It is true that I try hard not to let him control me, therefore we argue a lot. Right now, I have been wanting to complete my college degree before my youngest of 2 children starts kindergarten 2 years from now. I have a 2 year degree and would like to complete that, in something medical-related, nutrition, massage therapy, just something in the medical field. I have worked at home as a medical transcriptionist for years and have taken a lot of medical classes. This is what I enjoy. But my husband has forbidden me to "spend any money" on going to school and says that I am going to be a "teacher's assistant" when my youngest child starts kindergarten because I need to work the same hours as my children and I need to get into a job that will have retirement benefits as soon as possible. (When I do medical transcription, I am self-employed). This leaves me feeling like I have no choice in how I am going to spend my life. Yet he makes me feel terribly guilty for wanting to do anything that is not completely involved with being a mother. I love my children with all my heart, but I don't think a teacher's assistant is what I want to be for the rest of my life. I am not sure I would be happy with that. He criticizes me often. I have gained about 30 pounds since we got married. I eat EVERY time he upsets me. That has been my only recourse. The only thing I do that he says not to do. But like I said, he is a good dad. He was my son's soccer coach and everyone loved him. He is away this weekend on a scouting campout with my son. He sometimes teaches our Sunday School class. He has a good job and is very well-respected. Sometimes he can be sweet. So what is my problem? If everyone else thinks he so great, why can't I just accept this easy road he is offering me? Just be a mom, keep the house clean, let him worry about the money, work as a teacher's assistant and have summers off. I tell myself many women would love to be in my position. So what is my problem? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 Your problem is that you are living with an abuser. The myth is that an abuser is all bad. The fact is that abusers can have very many very good and lovable traits and even be loving in many ways, but that they also behave abusively. If they were all horrible, people would not have such difficulty leaving them. Here is a list of signs of abuse. Too many people think it's not abuse until the injuries show http://www.cybergrrl.com/views/dv/book/warn.html This is a handbook on domestic violence and abuse http://www.domesticviolence.org/content.html Here are more resources for you http://www.cybergrrl.com/views/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lanapalace Posted November 8, 2003 Author Share Posted November 8, 2003 Thank you for your response and the links. I am going to try to check them out tonight after my daughter is asleep. I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 A good Dad wouldn't be abusing the mother of his children. They are learning from him, and it sounds like it's not all good things. Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 Yes, I am sorry to say this is very real and very ugly abuse. I can tell because even though the FACTS point to abuse, you wonder if you are crazy and what your problem is. Let me tell you this...you're not crazy; on the contrary, you are sane, clear-thinking and strong-minded. I can tell by the way you write. Get out now while you still can. And yes, leaving IS the best thing for your children. Don't let your sons or daughters see either of you modelling those abusive patterns. Last word...please get help (from a battered women's shelter, specifically) before you get out, and STAY SAFE. Your most dangerous time will begin as soon as he suspects that you are leaving. The shelters can help with exact techniques and practical advice on how to stay safe while you disengage. Perhaps the marriage can be saved...but he has to want to change. Don't put your life or physical or emotional health at risk any more just to give him extra chances. God bless you, dear lady. I am truly sympathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Bird Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 most definately abuse. get help ASAP!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Read the above posted links.....THEN do what Ardea said!!!!!! Assault and Battery is not limited to broken bones! Mr Soccer Coach has apparently convinced everyone he's a great guy....maybe even you....when, in fact, he needs HELP! Your children don't need to witness this behavior....and you don't need to live within this type of abuse. Get the HELL out!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I tell myself many women would love to be in my position And therein lies part of your problem. Many women would not love to be in your position. Many women would rather live the rest of their days, stretched naked over a big black snake infested pit than be in your position. I personally would not want a union where I got dragged about by my hair if I let a swear word slip. You ask 'is it abuse', look at it this way, I'm a teacher, how many times do you think I would have to bruise one of the children in my class, sprain their hands or pull their hair before I have my ass fired and got myself dragged before a judge? If in a fifteen year career I only did that say, 4 times because the other children lived in utter terror and turned to food or drugs to stifle the phychological damage my temper caused would that make it better? What if I looked good and worked in charities outside school would it be okay then? Too many women look at the women with the black eyes and the cracked ribs to justify staying in an abusive situation. Yes, there are women who are in worse situations than yourself, plenty, but those women didn't come out of the womb damaged, they found themselves on a road and couldn't get off. A percentage of them are dead now - does that make you feel better? That you're not dead? Seriously violent men * seem unusually helpful early on in the relationship * are verbally abusive (name-calling may precede hitting) *Monitor their partner's time and movements *like to accompany them everywhere *display mood swings *seem detached, then anxious and demanding *become incredibly angry during arguments *behave impulsively *blame others when things go wrong *don't like to accept advice *have strongly sexist attitudes When a man uses violence on a woman, it's usually a form of coercion: he's trying to change her behavior. You are standing your ground but you are miserable doing it and this is no legacy to pass on to your children, especially if you have girls. I am not saying necessarily bail, that's up to you. Perhaps given enough motivation you're husband will get the help he needs, but I will say, you should sit down and express your desires, very real fears, and dreams to your husband. Confront the issues, from deciding on a career that brings you joy to living without the fear of physical abuse hanging over you. If he reacts with unwarranted anger, refuses to return to anger management and make adjustments so you can feel valued and loved. Bail. Believe me, many many women already would have done. Peace, R. Link to post Share on other sites
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