Physical Abuse: How Common Is It in Marriage?

[OpenBook]

Has your S ever laid a finger on you? Or you, them?

 

OK, this was prompted by a Real Housewives episode rather than anything I'm going through personally now. But it got me thinking. One of the housewives (who is going thru a divorce) claims her H had hit her at some point during their M. (They were married a long time, 16-17 years.) One of her "friends" didn't believe her, claiming "she would have said something about it" to her GF's if he had.

 

This closely mirrors my own experience with my one M/divorce all those years ago. The night before we split up, he shoved me around and gave me bruises. I kicked him out the next day, and never looked back. Many of our friends' reaction was bewilderment that I would break up a marriage because of that reason. "He didn't hit you."

 

I strongly believe that in order for a M to last, you have to have a large capacity for tolerance and forgiveness. I just wonder - does this also include forgiving your S for the occasional fist, hand-slap, push, whatever? "We were having a really bad fight, he was really angry at me" kind of thing?

 

How acceptable is that kind of behavior in most M's?

[Stung]

My husband raises his voice when he's frustrated, and sometimes talks over me which I absolutely hate. He has never touched me in anger, and I can't imagine that he ever would. He has never thrown anything or slammed any doors in anger, either, something I am actually guilty of on rare occasion (note: I have never thrown anything AT him, but I did throw a box full of old videotapes to the floor rather noisily once). I am actually the more volatile of the two of us, but I have never touched him in anger either, and I can't imagine that I ever would. When my temper gets hot I tell him I need to go for a walk, to cool off and think. I learned a long time ago that when I feel that burn sometimes I need space or I will say something I regret. It takes a lot of built-up frustration to get me to that point, though, and as an adult I have invested a lot in learning how to communicate better to avoid even getting to that point. Doesn't always work, but... I'm a lot better at it than I used to be.

 

I've only once been with a man who hit me, and I dumped him like a sack of rotten potatoes. I told him if he ever came around me again I would slap a restraining order on him, and if he ever came around me again after that, I would sic both my dog and my father on him, and after that he'd better pray I didn't get a gun. I never saw him again.

 

I once threw something at a boyfriend's head and it could have hurt him, but I missed. And somewhat in my defense, I was only a teenager, and he had stolen my journal and was refusing to give it back, just because he thought it was amusing to see me get so angry. I dumped him, too, for the disrespect, but when I got older I was kind of ashamed to think of how I escalated it with my own volatility.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I think Tamra Barney (the RH at issue) was lying. In the finale, she said Jeana tried to throw her in the pool, and that's why she (Tamra) threw her drink in Jeana's face. That very clearly didn't happen... which makes me think Simon didn't hit her either (aka throw a dog leash at her face).

 

Battered women, that is, women who remain in physically abusive relationships, have different personalities than those who are abused on one occasion and immediately leave the relationship (like you, Stung, and myself). Those battered women's personalities manifest themselves outwardly in a way such that I can understand why someone would question whether a confident, outspoken woman was abused and remained in the relationship.

[Afishwithabike]

Has your S ever laid a finger on you? Or you, them?

 

No and no. We don't fight physically.

 

 

I strongly believe that in order for a M to last, you have to have a large capacity for tolerance and forgiveness. I just wonder - does this also include forgiving your S for the occasional fist, hand-slap, push, whatever? "We were having a really bad fight, he was really angry at me" kind of thing?

 

How acceptable is that kind of behavior in most M's?

 

I haven't hit him in anger. If I'm really mad I cut someone down with a verbal quip and vice versa. He doesn't slap, hit, push, throw things either. If that happened, I'd be out of there. Long, long time ago I used to work for the Legal Aid Society where I helped women get temporary restraining orders against their spouses or boyfriends. After helping so many of them and hearing their stories about how the abuse started, I'm very cautious about being with someone who has such an anger management problem that he would get physical with me. My two deal breakers are abuse and adultery.

[KikiW]

I have never been with anyone who was physically violent with me. I'm 5'11", with a larger frame, so perhaps I avoided it because I look like I could beat the living snot out of anyone who touched me. But even if I wasn't on the verge of "Amazon woman" I would never tolerate it. There is no excuse for slapping, pushing, or striking someone in anger. If you're so mad you can't verbalize, go take a walk and come back when you're calmer.

[laRubiaBonita]

of all my realtionship- casual and serious- only 2 guys have ever "hit" me.

 

one was a guy i lived with- he slapped me in the face when he found me smoking after i said i had quit.

the other was the very next relationship and the guy pushed me when he was mad.

 

my husband, of course, has never hit me- and i would not stand for it if he did.

[freestyle]

I've got a zero-tolerance, 'one strike-you're out' policy for physical violence as well.

 

As a teenager I had a irrationally jealous boyfriend who got violent with me.

Once.

 

He had both hands around my neck hitting my head against the wall--I popped him square in the nose, ran out the door, and never looked back.He didn't pursue--he looked shocked that I fought back--( I was very petite).

 

Never, ever again. There are no excuses, as far as I"m concerned.

 

It breaks my heart when I see it happening to anyone........female OR male.

[laRubiaBonita]

I've got a zero-tolerance, 'one strike-you're out' policy for physical violence as well.

 

There are no excuses, as far as I"m concerned.

 

It breaks my heart when I see it happening to anyone........female OR male.

 

Agreed!!!!!

 

(hey free )

[Mauschen]

My ex H became violent on a couple of occasions. He slapped me, threw me across the kitchen into the wall, and choked me a couple of times. The thing I hated most that he did was restrain me from getting up or leaving a room when I wanted to. I would have left him after the first episode of violence if we didn't have a child together. I tried to stick it out, but had lost so much respect for him, that I couldn't stay any longer.

 

Not sure how common it is, but it happens, and is totally unacceptable.

[neverendingdrama]

I had a non violent marriage. Started dating a man long afterward who through me for a loop. Could be the sweetest person in the world and would snap out of jealousy and insecurity. Sadly we moved in together before this started. Luckily my children from my ex - husband were never around to even hear him raise his voice.

 

Sometime when you are in the midst of it , as a female you are screaming back , possibly trying to defend yourself. You feel an equal opportunity abuser as well. Wrong . There is no excuse for a man to ever lay a hand on a woman unless he is in fear of his immediate life.

 

I followed my ex bf out to a garage to continue our arguement. He smashed my body into a heavy door half way out. Listened to me scream and kept pushing. I figured I should have given him some space to cool off.. got ice , he sat emotionless and apologized the next day. Wrote it off.

He comfronted me about an email he saw ( no cheating , just to a friend venting ) , he screamed all kinds of my names as he cornered me in a room. I pushed him away , he threw me to the ground like the wind blowing. He kicked in a door after I got away and locked me out of the house shortly there after. I had to break a small window to unlock a door and get in. Again the sorry I am getting help. I caved.

Final straw was an arguement he started with me during that snapping time. He baited me by taking my laptop and running. I followed him and busted open a door he was behind to retrieve it. Hit him square in the eyebrow. Once again cornered . I tried to kick him in between the legs and knock the wind out of him . He had his hands around my neck and ended up sucker punching me to the ground. I went up a foot in the air and landed on the side of my head. !4 days later my black face was finally somewhat healed.

Yes , the law was involved , but it didn't do much good. I kept my distance and it happened for the last time a few months ago after he had moved out. This time the law was on my side.

 

I guess my point is , you see it on TV and in movies , but it feels so surreal to admit you are a battered person. You knit pick it apart.

 

It was a learning lesson of what I will never enter into ever again. I will see red flad a million miles away. Not one situation I want to repeat , ever. Unacceptable , not matter how charming they can be at times.

[Radagast]

Has your S ever laid a finger on you? Or you, them?

 

I was brought up never to hit a lady, and I never have and never will. The closest I have gotten was physically restraining my ex-Wife when she physically attacked me in front of our children.

 

Although the physical violence traumatised the children, it was the ongoing emotional abuse that had a more profound and lasting effect, I realised during family counselling. While I had thought that not answering back and not defending myself, which would merely have escalated matters, was the best strategy for containment to protect the children, it emerged that they found it deeply damaging to watch her "emasculate" me routinely and continually. Instead of staying together to keep the family unit intact for the sake of the children, I would now advise any parent of either gender who is subject to ongoing abuse in any form to leave, with the children. Abuse is good for no one - not even the abuser.