Suggestions on how to deal with the extreme dislike of husband's best friend

[scaredandalone1223]

LS has been very helpful in the past and am hoping to get some great insight again.

 

I have an extreme dislike for my husband's best friend and his wife that causes tension in our marriage every time he goes to visit them. They became friends when my husband worked with him years ago. In the beginning we all were friends. The guy's wife is extremely two faced and I couldn't deal with it. She was constantly talking bad about everyone she hung out with. She seems to have a lot of friends and her trash talking is done in the nicest way but none the less I knew if that's what she was telling me when they weren't around I knew she was venting to them something about me when I wasn't.

 

Fast forward to last year. My husband and I had a REALLY bad year, separated for a month and almost divorced. When I asked my husband to leave he moved in with them, as finances wouldn't permit a 2nd place and he had nowhere else really to go. ONE week after leaving our home of 13 years his best friend put him in contact w/ another friend to help him get his mind off things. My husband really just wanted a friend, but the female, in one month developed deep feelings for my husband. She lived out of state and they only met once, in a public place. As soon as my husband moved back in he cut all ties, let me read his messages, etc. I know him very well and believe him when he said he wasn't tryin to really start a new relationship. I also, from blog posts, fb, etc., know she was heart broken.

 

My husband's friend and his wife have both cheated on each other more than once and while still married his friend continues to flirt with lots of females. My husband's brother is also a friend of this guys and my BIL is one of the most trustworthy, moral men I have ever known.

 

My big problem is that with everything that went on with us last year I do NOT want to try to renew any kind of friendship with my husband's friends and the feeling is mutual. My husband and I are extremely happy now and our marriage is better than ever, but this friction still exists.

 

One of the things that led us down our path was me going to a concert out of state with some friends. It was a preplanned trip that my husband was supposed to go on but work at the last minute prevented him from going. He needed me heres but I went anyway. From there things went really down hill until our reconciliation in Nov.

 

My husband still doesn't want to here any music by this singer or even me mention the state of the concert. I do not because I feel equally bad about it happening and we know we both handled it badly. What he doesn't understand is every time he hangs out with this friend I get those same feelings.

 

I think my husband's friends are morally bankrupt and equate them with our situation last year. My husband says it's different, and in a way I know it is. He said they were only trying to help him the best way they saw fit because they saw how bad he was hurting over me. I see his point, but can not help the way I feel about them.

 

He feels he owes them for being there when he needed them. I see them as a couple who highly dislike me also and was willing to move my husband right along to someone else one week after he left our home. Like I said they are morally bankrupt and I. Do not trust them at all.

 

So how do I deal with this? Do I let it go and keep my emotions to myself? I'm not really wanting him to cut them out of his life because I know how much true friends mean to my husband but I can't stand to even hear their name much less have my husband go hang out with them.

[DaisyLeigh]

They tried to hook him up with some woman and he still insists upon hanging out with them?

 

I would make this a hill to die on. True friends would not try to immediately get a guy laid or make a new "friend" the minute he and his wife separate. Separation is not divorce.

[Afishwithabike]

Why do you want to hide your feelings? Look at what you have here with these two...

 

-you don't like them

-you don't trust them

-the man tried to set up your husband with another woman while you both were separated

-they're morally bankrupt

 

Normally I'm of the live and let live camp and you should be able to trust your husband even with friends that aren't the greatest, but these two sound like a bad influence on your husband especially given they tried to get him to cheat on you. Cheaters can be a bad influence on faithful men and women. You don't need to have some big dramatic blowout and tell them they're terrible or anything like that, but I would not invite them to my home, I would not go to theirs, and my husband and I wouldn't socialize with them by choice.

[carhill]

Your husband is a grown man and can and will take responsibility for his actions. *He* met with a woman while you were separated. *He* chooses to remain friends with these people you detest. Everyone's actions and choices have consequences. Your husband isn't a puppet on their string any more or less than he's a puppet on yours. Accept his actions and decide if they are healthy for you. If you do not feel that your marriage is his priority, whether by past action, present action or association, then end it. If he is not aware of how deeply wounded you are from his past actions and those of his friends, then communicate that to him, clearly. Communicate, clarify, act.

 

FWIW, I've met most of the MW's I've known while they're 'separated'. Each person defines this dynamic for themselves. Unless your H and you had a clear conversation about the parameters of separation and mutual agreement, you were each left with your own interpretations of the dynamic, which could be and likely were very different. The role his 'cheater' friends played in his actions is minor and insignificant. He's responsible for his actions and his interpretation. Yes, it is in the past but it is a significant part of the current issue. It needs to be resolved and let go of.

 

I note you mention your BIL is 'moral' and apparently isn't affected by these friend's cheating ways and annoying behaviors. Is it possible for your H to be like him? Unknown.

 

Hope it works out.

[scaredandalone1223]

Thanks everyone. My husband and I are still doing quarterly counseling updates and our next one is tomorrow so I'm sure this will be part of it as it is the only current 'negative' we have.

 

The reason I wonder about hiding my feelings is because my husband does not have a lot of friends, but the ones he does have really mean something to him. I also know that this particular friend is one if my husband called him at 3 in the morning w/ an emergency he'd be there in pajamas IMMEDIATELY if my husband needed him.

 

@ Carhill. My husband has taken full responsibility for his actions. We were separated and things looked really bad as far as our future. My husband has never been unfaithful nor do I believe he'll ever be. Part of it is because I don't think he would hurt me but a major reason is the values he has for himself and I KNOW it would tear him apart from the inside out. If anything my husband has always been overly honest! While we were apart the way I knew about his new 'friend' was he told me. He never tried to hide it. I immediately tried to warn him about an EA developing or a rebound relationship but he let me know about it and said it wasn't anything like that.

 

Also as I stated I really believe he was just looking for a friend. Someone to talk to. She had recently gone through a divorce and he thought she would be a good sympathetic ear. I saw the red flags, him not so much. During this whole mess my husband also lost a very dear friend. She had been very much like a sister to him before we got married, she introduced us and over the years her and I became equally close. If he ever need that outside female perspective he could go to her. Since he didn't have a sister and we were all so close I was always grateful he had that relationship with her. Sadly she was one of the concert goers and with alot of other things that happened he lost that friendship, we both did.

 

My husband was under unbelievable stress at work, his family was falling apart and he really just wanted someone who wasn't part of the whole mess to talk to. Until he read her blog he had no idea she had developed such intense feelings for him. I was there when he read it and the surprise in his eyes is not something that can be faked! They met once at a restaurant w/ the mutual friend and my husband had my youngest son with him as soon as dinner was over. She had traveled from out of state for Thanksgiving and they met the Friday before Thanksgiving. I had given him until the Monday after Thanksgiving to decide if he wanted to come home and try to work it out. After spending the weekend with the kids at our home w/o me though he decided to return the Monday before Thanksgiving and we spent that whole week working on us. If he had have had any other intensions with her he would have stayed living with his friend and spent as much time with her while she was home for a visit as possible but he chose us and immediately let her know.

 

I felt I needed to add that because that is one of the reasons I have such an issue with the friend. What my husband was looking for and needing at the time was obviously not a new piece of % BUT that was exactly what his friend had in mind when he introduced them!

 

So I do trust my husband....COMPLETELY. It's not even an I trust my husband but not them type situation because as I see it if I trust my husband that is really all that matters. What I don't like is him hanging out with them because of their lack of morals and values. I know very well how the wife is and how they both feel about me. So maybe it's just me but when he goes to see them without me and their other friends are there with their spouses it's like my husband is, by his actions, condoning how they feel about me. That is one of the hardest parts.

 

If it were anyone else my husband would not be friend's with them. He tells me he does not and will not discuss certain things like the way his friend is constantly talking to other women, etc. because he doesn't agree with it. He says it's kinda like politics. They don't discuss that because they have very different viewpoints. They discuss things like MMA (which is usually the main reason my husband goes there is for the MAM fights/ party...although they have teenagers & some smaller children there so drinking nor drugs are ever @ these fight parties, just lots of people) and current (non political) events and the like. They discuss the children and such and sometimes our kids, especially our teen goes w/ him. And I must say for all his friends faults they are both excellent parents!

 

I guess to sum it up. I do trust my husband 100% and I don't think anything they do is going to make him stray. I just find their morals horrible and I can not forgive and forget what they did in the past and I hate my husband being around other couples w/o me but I do NOT want to play nice and put on a fake smile and be around them. URGH...I just hate it has to be this way....

[xxoo]

It sounds like you feel this couple disrespected you by trying to set your H up during your separation. BTW, I agree with Carhill that it was your H's choice to be "set up" or not....but, still, you don't appreciate their encouragement in the situation.

 

My question for my H would be--How can you enjoy the company of a couple who disrespected me like that? Why is he ok with their behavior?

 

I don't care what other people do. But I do care about my H hanging out with people who have personally disrepected me, or our marriage.

[carhill]

Yes, focus in on H's current actions. If such actions cause you to feel disrespected and de-prioritized, express that perspective to him. Again, as he is your H, he is responsible for his perspective within your M. The other 'friends' are irrelevant. This is an often difficult concept, retaining focus on the M rather than looking outside it to cast responsibility. If those people are jerks, then they're jerks, like billions of other jerks on the planet. None of those people are in your M.

 

What bend do you propose for yourself in this dynamic where you wish your H to discontinue what he apparently feels is an important friendship? A healthy M is about balance. It can't always be one way or resentment will build. You trust him. OK, work with that. What do you propose as a healthy solution which respects his feelings as well?

[scaredandalone1223]

That's just it Carhill, I do not know what I want the solution to be. I do know I don't want to put up a me vs. them scenario. I would win short term but I know he would have some resentment so I would lose in the long run. I guess at times I just want him to understand why I feel the way I do. I wish instead of going to hang out at their house if he had to see this friend he would met him out for dinner. Instead of him always going there for the fights invite a few guys to our house. I would leave and go hang out with some of my friends and he and the guys could have the house to themselves, but make it a guy thing not a everyone's spouse but me event. Like I said I really don't know what is the best solution.

Edited June 10, 2011 by scaredandalone1223
grammer errors

[carhill]

How does your H respond to such proposals? I think that the one about the guys gathering at your house to watch the fights is a very reasonable one.

 

Does he acknowledge you when you explain your 'reasons', like for the above suggestion? You say you wish he would 'understand'. How could he communicate that to you where you would feel validated and understood?

 

I know from our failures that two main areas were problematic; one, mutual desire to resolve the issues and, two, effective communication. What do you sense as your obstacles?

[scaredandalone1223]

He does listen to my concerns and feels bad that I feel this way. He just feels the situations are different and while I should be bitter to an extent I can't fault them for his decisions. Both of these things are true BUT it doesn't change the way I feel.

 

I've suggested the fight at our house but he said that is his friend's thing. His friend enjoys it at his house and some of the other couples are mere acquaintances of my husband's and would not want to come here plus some of the wives enjoy it too and wouldn't be happy if my bad blood upset the whole apple cart.

 

We both want to figure out a happy medium it's just we are so far apart on it. Communication isn't really a factor as we communicate quite well and both know how the other feels.

 

Shortly after everything happened, husband moved back in, cut off contact w/ other friend my husband's friend sent him a text about how much this friend meant to him and she was off limits to me. I'm sure part of the reason husband's friend still holds such a grudge is the way he sees it I hurt this other female good friend of his. If it hadn't have been for me my husband would have been free to date the mutual friend and he wouldn't have to deal with a spouse he doesn't like.

 

At times my husband will say well why donut I ask if you can join me? First off I do not want to go but secondly and mainly after 6 months of a great reconciliation if you need to ask permission for you wife to be somewhere with you the clearly your friend has not made any effort to let you know he's happy you came home to your family.

 

At times I feel I'm overreacting, making drama where there should be none and at other times I feel like somehow these people of off limits to my feelings. Like my husband would defend me to the ends of the earth except for with this one friendship where he is so worried about what he owes them that what he owes me doesn't factor in.

 

We have our counseling appt. this afternoon so I'll be very interested to hear her take as she calls us both out when we need it!

[Eve]

My Hubby has friends who I don't want in the house because I don't like them. They are like wild beasts. He takes them into his 'man den' and they are perfectly happy in there.

 

Sounds to me like your Hubby wants to keep these people as a back up plan for any future break up.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[scaredandalone1223]

COUNSELING UPDATE: In the words of our counselor 'any woman worth a grain of sand' would feel exactly the way I feel. Keep in mind she knows our whole backstory. We started counseling in 2007. Originally it wasn't for marriage counseling. My husband was going for some childhood things. His father, an electrician, was electrocuted when he was 4 and basically his mom gave up after that. The day of his original appt. we had to reschedule because a very, VERY close friend passed away and we had to attend the funeral that day as my husband was giving the eulogy. It was a mutual male friend and I took the death extremely hard so when he rescheduled I decided it may be a good idea for me to attend to. Things went very well and we moved it to marriage counseling. So needless to say she's been there through it all!!

 

Her suggestion is for us to meet at some mutual place, with all our kids etc.and try to get along as best as we can for my husband's sake or the next time he's invited to a fight party let them know I will be with him. She understands where my husband is coming from regarding the friendship and his friend putting his money where his mouth is and giving my husband a home when he needed it. She feels they were not in any way looking out for my husband's best interest when the tried to set him up though. With that said, my husband takes full responsibility and says he was in a spot that he was looking for someone, anyone to take his mind off the situation at home and if they hadn't have helped him he would have found someone else on his own.

 

I guess the one thing to be thankful to the friend for is he made sure it was someone out of state and most things were via email& text vs. someone nearby that my husband could have been sitting down to talk with regularly and in an emotional moment of weakness crossed into a whole other whelm.

 

I'm not so sure how I feel about all this. My husband seems to think they don't have as much of a problem with me as I think they do. I see it differently, as just last week my oldest son, who is really close friends with their oldest wasn't invited to a party because they knew my husband couldn't bring him because he was working. They both know I'm a SAHM so I could have easily dropped him off.

 

The way I view it is I know our feelings are mutual, it's just my husband has to hear about it from me since I'm his wife. They never have to bring it up because when he's around them I'm never there and never a point of conversation. Maybe I will let my husband suggest us getting together. If he does and they say no, he will see then.

 

He has said that if that is the case they will put him in a spot to choose and he will always choose me. So I guess it's reverse psychology of sorts. This way I won't have to be the one pushing him to cut contact it will be his decision.

 

The one major thing I'm thankful for is how strong our marriage is outside of this. How we could argue our feelings on this so strongly, but when we leave it and move on to something else it's done. We don't harp, we don't constantly bring it up. We woke up cuddling and have spent most of the day lying on the couch watching movies. This issue will be dead again until which time he invites them out or they next invite him over and they inform him I'll be with him (NOT looking forward to that if it's what happens).

 

I'm truly blessed with the marriage I have now and even though this is a really big rough spot all the other positives far outweigh it and like I mentioned earlier I trust my husband totally so if I have to swallow all my pride and just except this friendship for what it is then that's just what I'll have to do! Although those words are much easier to write than to enforce!!