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Should we have an open marriage or not?


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I have a question for couples out there that have an open marriage...

 

My husband and I have been married almost 1.5 years. Although we love each other dearly and have every intention of spending the rest of our lives together, we are considering and open marriage.

 

We have had many discussions on the topic, including what rules we would have (i.e. no in-laws...). We would like to have some feed back from people with a successful open marriage - some pointers if you will. For those that have families (as do we), are you honest with your children about the nature or your relationship?

 

Also, if there's anyone out there who had an open marriage that didn't work, please let us know why.

 

Should we have an open marriage or not? Please help us decide!

 

Thanks!!!

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It doesn't work.........unless..........you have the utmost trust in your partner and trust in yourself. The "open marriage" only lasts for as long as you two are both aware of the "rules' and you stick to them. You make up the rules on a sheet of paper and stick to it! I know this may sound childish but, wait until someone breaks one of the rules.......it's not so childish then!

 

My ex broke the rules too many times.......this is why he is the EX! I just didn't understand why he needed more freedom than I had given him. I guess I'll never figure it out.

 

Good luck,

 

Bubbles

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Just curious....you've only been married a short time, and you're both looking to bring other people into your marriage bed, so to speak....so why did you both get married? Why didn't you both just stay single so that you could have multiple partners?

 

Why on earth would you ask strangers on the internet to help you and your husband decide if you should pursue an open marriage? Doesn't that seem a little wacked to you? As for telling the children, good God, how bent is that.......to tell innocent children who deserve decent role models, that Mommy and Daddy sleep around with other people. How are children supposed to understand that one?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Faerie Princess

Not every open marriage is simply an excuse to sleep around, or an immature expression of devotion.

 

For some people, the "extra-curricular" sex brings new ideas and inspiration to the marriage bed. For some people sharing other partners (in the case where one or both partners are bi-sexual) can bring added levels of fun and enjoyment.

 

Only open your marriage if you're very secure in your partner's love and they in yours. Open marriages, especially at the outset take extra care and consideration in keeping both partners feeling loved and reassured. There is a lot of programming that says, "if you love me..." and that can hurt, even when your brain is okay with the concept.

 

There is also the chance that you will develop deeper feelings for those that you interact with. This does not mean that your marriage will have to fall apart. However, the dynamic of your marriage will change. You'll consider having more people than just the two of you in your circle of love, and that can be challenging as well.

 

No matter what, I'd wait before jumping toward this adventure. Really explore why you're interested in this, what you expect from it, and what you're likely to get. Talk a LOT with your spouse. And look hard at your REAL reasons, feelings and motivations.

 

For research, check these out:

 

http://www.sexuality.org/mgswing.html

 

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

 

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

 

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Relationships01.html

 

http://www.bayarea.net/~stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

 

http://www.libidomag.com/nakedbrunch/polyamory.html

 

http://ourlittlequad.com/index.html

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Frisky,

 

Not to re-hash, but a few thoughts from a resident in an open marriage.....

 

1. Rules, rules, rules. These are the #1 most important thing to work out before you ever stick your toes in Polyamory Lake. Bubbles is right - WRITE THEM DOWN. There can be no claims of a "mis-understanding" later that way.

 

2. Not to sound a hundred years old or anything, but married 1.5 years seems like hardly enough time for you two to really need to spice up the ol' love life via new partners......There is SO much potential variety out there before you really need to look outside the marriage bed.

 

3. Communicate constantly. This is a no-negotiation point. If you two have the slightest disagreement about how to go about this, don't do it. Your relationship must be just about perfect before you start opening it up to additional playmates. And, if you or your partner have any issues whatsoever with honesty, don't even start down this road - you'll not only screw up your marriage, but potentially other relationships as well.

 

4. Go slowly - maybe check out a lifestyle club or party with a stict "no-participation" rule for your first outing. Just keep your eyes open and try to keep an open mind - even if you an open mind means you find yourself rejecting the idea once you see it in action. The polyamorous lifestyle is definetly not for everyone.

 

5. Research. I can find very little to add to the list that Faerie Princess has provided you with. Check the sites out together, and see what kind of interactions you and your partner have as a result. Your milage may vary :-)

 

Go cautiously, go slowly, and good luck.

 

- GS

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  • 3 weeks later...
lady_vampiress2003

no definatly not, not if u want to be in a happy marriage anyways. My friend tried this and it all spun out of control when her husband started to fall in love with the girl he was seeing and she wasnt that into the guy she was seeing and wanted to end it but her husband didnt and was seeing her more then they agreed for him to see her, was lying to her and spent more time with the other girl more then his wife. and on top of that didnt give his wife(my friend) any sexual intention saying he was tired or wasnt in the mood when she asked for it. she eventually had enough of this great lack of attention,lies and his love for the other girl and told him she wasnt interested in this other guy she was suppose to be seeing and stopped seeing him all together and asked him to stop seeing this other girl all together since he wasnt sharing his affections and loving her in the same way in fact not giving her any love and affection at all! he said no ways and had grown to love this girl and there was no way in hell he was going to stop seeing her cos he had grown to love her in more ways then one . Of course it ended up in separation and eventually divorce(within 4 months).

she had to learn a big lesson her extra sexual fun or buzz ended up with her husband which she truely loved and wanted to sepnd the rest of life with, ended up with him not being able to share his love and sex with her and the other girl and prefered the other girl over her cos he grew to love her more then he though he would.

so if u dont want to risk any of that happening no dont gamble with an open relationship cos u cant control how ur patner feels and may fall in love with her spend more time and give more and nothing to u even as he did. if u want an extra buzz in ur relationship introduce sex toys, maybe ave 3somes so u know what ur patners doing and hasnt got that extra personal time or intimacy to fall in love with her and know ull be with him at the end of it all.

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I have to agree with lady_vampries2003, I am the living proof. I started a relationship with a guy from a swing site. We clicked on our first meet and started just kinda dating. I didn't mean for it to happen and he didn't either. I am totally in love with this guy and his wife has no idea...... she has play dates he has me..... Be careful with the open marriage thing...**** happens I know it I live it

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Faerie Princess

Some people can handle open marriage some can't. I know a number of people who can.

 

The keys are being honest with your SO(s) and with yourself. Really knowing what you want and expect out of your relationships, and recognizing that love will and can happen, and it doesn't mean you have to stop loving your spouse or they have to stop loving you. In some cases you love them more because they trust you enough to love other people, and trust you enough to enjoy their love of other people.

 

When your marriage is focused on "you gotta love me more than anyone else," then no, it won't work and definately don't do it.

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I've read everything that you all have written and I really do appreciate the insight. I have taken a look at some of the websites and have found them very interesting and informative. For those of you out there that think that my husband and I want this just to get away from each other because we are not happy, you are dead wrong. We love each other and know that we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together. Even talking about the possibility of an open marriage has brought us closer and has given a new twist in our lovelife.

 

Even before we posted this question, my husband and I have talked about rules and the importance of writing them down, if and when we decide to do this. This is not a rash decision that we are rushing in to. We have taken the time on several occasions to talk about the pros and cons, and we want to be 100% sure that this is what we really and truly want.

 

I also appreciate the advice that came from those who think against open marriages, but I don't appreciate those that have rudely answered my question and have "talked" down to me. I can appreciate alternative lifestyles and I have an open mind to at least try to explore them. Don't talk down to others just because you can't understand their point of view.

 

What it all boils down to is that you have all given us some pretty interesting food for thought. Thanks.

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