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I'm fed up with my financially irresponsible husband


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Old 1st June 2011, 10:57 AM   #1
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I'm fed up with my financially irresponsible husband

We have been married for over 3 years and of course had our ups and downs but right now I feel like I can no longer handle my husband's financial irresponsibility. Before we got married he had over 60K in debt and I helped him with his bankruptcy process as there was no way he would be able to repay all the loans. I wanted us to start clean and I was hoping he would learn from his mistake and mature.

He had a mobile home when we met and although I personally never consider mobile homes a good investment it was his baby and his responsibility to take care of. After we moved in together he rented his mobile home out for $650 p/m and got his one month deposit with $300 non refundable pet fee. Over the course of one year he pocketed $200 a month profit and when the lease was renewed for 3 more years on a very low monthly rate he was still getting around $50-$100 per month pure profit.
Needless to say I never saw a penny of it and why would I? The place had nothing to do with me.

Now, lets fast forward to beginning of this year when I noticed that my husband was getting mail from our bank regarding overdraft charges. I found out it was his renter paying late without telling him and he had no money left in his rental account to pay the lot rent up front. I was furious but tried to be supportive and asked him to try to get rid of the place and in the meantime take money from out joint account to cover the lot rent. A couple of months went buy and I heard nothing but getting frustrated with the renter paying late and our joint account funding his liability I asked him again to deal with the situation. He said he would.

Yesterday I find out that the renter left in the middle of his lease without giving notice with no rent for May or June. Since my hubby spent all the profit and deposits and has nothing to fall back on I feel I have every right to be angry. When the sun was shining and he was getting his rent it was his "investment" but when the rain came it is our liability.

Last night we had huge fight because I could not get him to see the pig picture about how irresponsible he was - spending all the deposits and rent money - he just kept saying that I only cared about money and as a wife I should be supportive and help him out in difficult times like this.

Has anyone been in a situation where their spouse did something irresponsible and you needed to pick up the pieces? What should I do? I don't want to be liable and responsible for this mobile home!



Thanks for reading...
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Old 1st June 2011, 12:18 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonmosaic View Post
Last night we had huge fight because I could not get him to see the pig picture about how irresponsible he was - spending all the deposits and rent money - he just kept saying that I only cared about money and as a wife I should be supportive and help him out in difficult times like this.

Has anyone been in a situation where their spouse did something irresponsible and you needed to pick up the pieces? What should I do? I don't want to be liable and responsible for this mobile home!



Thanks for reading...
I will not for one second say that you are not right in being so angry.
you have every right to be frustrated and pissed.

The line I put in bold is not used to make you feel bad, but I see it as an opening to get a real discussion going with your H.

I think we all need to be acknowledged and you need for him to see that he's make terrible financial choices that are dragging both of you down, but he needs to feel that you always got his back.

I think that maybe the next time you discuss this issue - you should acknowledge that yes you are his wife and you will support him, but that there are major issues that you need to sort out in order for you to both to have financial security, peace of mind and a less stressful relationship.

I dunno if I'm rambling about nothing, but I do find that sometimes when I argue with my boyfriend, I feel that we both want out side to be heard that we completely miss really listening to one another, and I've been trying really hard to keep that in mind, so that when he mentions something that really gets to him, I acknowledge it and I do my best to change it and I only promise him things I can keep my word on - and he's doing the same with me - I find that we resolve our issues way better than we did (a long time ago) - because we're really listening to what the other is saying.

I'm sorry, I'm not married and I don't have the first clue on how to make that work with all the stress of financial stuff added to it.

The only thing I can suggest is that you both CALMLY talk and that you acknowledge his needs, and then state yours (CALMLY) and maybe draw out a list (together) of the pros and cons of keeping the trailer home and how that will affect whatever future plans you 2 have together, whatever goals you 2 hope to achieve in the future that absolutely need that financial security - ie. kids (maybe), or traveling, or changing jobs - bigger house - whatever it is that you guys want to do.

If you cant come to an agreement on stuff now, then maybe its time for professional counseling. I dunno....

good luck to you
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Old 1st June 2011, 12:36 PM   #3
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Make sure your finances (assets, debts, etc) are separated and make an appointment to see a financial counselor. H obviously hasn't learned anything from his BK and it will be on his credit record for a number of years to come.

IMO and in my experience making loans, peoples basic financial perspective and aptitude doesn't change. Circumstances change, but their core beliefs about money don't. If this guy is irresponsible financially, and always has been, he always will be, save for a life altering experience which changes his entire perspective towards living, as an example if he looked death right in the eye and survived the experience.

You can be supportive and still disagree with how he is handling his money and express your feelings about that effect on your marriage. Support the positive areas and challenge the negative ones.
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Old 1st June 2011, 3:09 PM   #4
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First of all thank you all for your support, anyone who reads my thread and takes the effort to add something - I truly appreciate it.

I know I should be more supportive but right now my blood is boiling and I am angry with him.

No, I didn't expect him to change but I expected him to listen especially after the bankruptcy when he did admit to being financially irresponsible.
And he never before or after that came to me saying - "I am irresponsible financially and will probably continue to stay that way because that is the way I am, now, will you marry me? He always seemed like the guy who needed guidance in that area and I have been trying my best to support him.
I just feel that he let me down.

Luckily we do not have all our finances commingled, we are both in our 40's and the mobile home is on his name only. Of course he can decide not to pay the lot rent - I certainly won't be contributing to it - and then he'll get a CCJ and the story continues. I am just so frustrated about it.
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Old 1st June 2011, 3:39 PM   #5
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There are other ways to be supportive other than forking over money (throwing good money after bad). You can listen compassionately, help him consider possible solutions, help him sell it if he chooses, etc.

You are absolutely right to NOT pay the lot rent from your money. You should not be expected to financially support an investment if you had no voice in purchasing/keeping it.

If he never improves his financial habits, can you accept him as he is?
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