Hoovering

[jaykay007]

Quick Background:

She got pregnant age 19, after birth, she married the father. Marriage lasted 9 months. She filed for divorce.

 

2 months after divorce she moved in with another man, got engaged, moved in together and split with him after 2 months.

 

3 months after that she hooked on me. We got engaged 3 months later in the relationship. She wanted to get married 2 months after out engagement and I pulled the plug. We got married 9 months later (Dec 2007). I gave her the princess wedding she always wanted and accepted the faults she made in the past. I am financially capable and could offer mountains of financial security for her and her son... that’s how I see it now.

 

Marriage was great for a few years actually (2.5 years), her longest relationship. March 2010 I caught her cheating on me. I tried to forgive and work on the marriage, see marriage counsellors etc. I got that “I love you so much, but I am not in love with you” “ and “I care so much for you and want you to be happy” phrase.

 

...but she cheated again.

 

August 2010:

We separated on terms we will work on our self’s without seeing people. We scoped this separation in order to give our marriage a shot. I was so ignorant to think I need her in my life and will do anything to save our marriage. Bottom line, she actually dumped me.

 

During August and September:

She was screwing around and sharing a apartment with a male “roommate” due to her financial constraints.

 

4 October:

I filed for divorce

 

29 October:

I divorced her officially and cleaned her out, leaving with nothing due to my hatred towards her.

 

Mid October:

This guy was actually her boyfriend and they already announced their engagement. She got him hooked like all of us previously. I was broken and went NC

 

Mid November 2010:

She contacted me, wanting things from me, but this was actually stuff at my house that belongs to her. I did ignore her and when speaking to her I kept it short and unresponsive. She was very persistent that I bring the stuff to her.

 

28 November 2010:

She told her Dad she’s pregnant with her rebound boyfriends child. Her sister told me and her Dad confirmed in shock. I was shocked and almost died inside.

 

29 November 2010:

I thought (Which I regret now) to go to her and confront her with this pregnancy. I set my date and time when I will come around and she was more than happy to accommodate my terms..Strange enough. When I arrived I asked her if she was pregnant, she denied it off cause until I told her that her Dad told me. I could see the shock through her body language. She claimed she never wanted me to find out. I asked her how long have she known, she said 2 weeks (Around the time she broke NC) I told her I never want to see or speak to her again, she must leave me alone, she is a disgrace. Yet, this did not trigger rage. But her last question to me was “Do I think that low of people”, I responded “I only think that low of you”. That’s when she had a massive fit, damage my truck door and ran to her flat screaming hysterically.

 

1 December 2010:

She announced her marriage to her family.

 

3 December 2010:

She actually got married in the new in-laws backyard with an internet priest.

 

From there I focused on myself. Went on dates, time with my friends, and work around the house, try new things, anything to keep my mind occupied and go to therapy to work on myself. I realised that there must me something wrong for me to surrender to such an individual. I am still a work in progress. I work very hard on myself, trying not to spend energy on thoughts about this sham of a “rebound marriage”.

 

19 January 2011:

She email me photos of her son’s 1st school day. I just ignored, feeling she is trying to spite me since I love the boy as my own. This was send shortly after she changed her surname to the new husband and sends it via her work email, which reflects this new name. I thought this was very vindictive and cruel. I continued NC, disappeared from the face of this earth.

 

I am have close friendship with her sister, she told me things are not very well with my ex wife. Common friend told me it does not look like a happy marriage since they do not act like newlyweds. I do not know why that makes me feel good. However, it cannot be healthy from my side thinking about this crap again.

 

I read up on rebound relationships, this marriage will not last, I cannot see that it will. I continued NC.

 

27 March 2011:

Got a text from her stating. “Hi ****, I want to ask if I can please get my grandmothers blankets back. Please”

 

1 April 2011:

I only responded them “Hi, you are more than welcome to fetch it; I am unfortunately only available on Wednesday evening”. This was my only response in 4 months and curious to see her response.

 

15min later she responded:

“If you don’t mind please send it with ‘a friend’. I do not want to upset you or something. If you don’t mind”

 

Now, am I wrong to assume she is filled with shame here, perhaps being pregnant and all? I know my feelings never mattered to her in the first place, why would it now?

 

I think she has Borderline for one, she is a cutter, heavy depressed and anxious, detached, empty, no self esteem, low sense of self and extremely impulsive, my therapist reason perhaps some attachment disorder. The way we went apart to the way she send messages to me is as if she painted me white again.

 

Do you think I will hear from her again, is this hoovering? Perhaps trying to make me feel sorry for her, seeking validation? I do not want to read in too much but she became very predictable and I can’t help feeling she is not done with me as yet. She is only 25 with such sad history.

 

Thank you so much for reading this.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't know what hoovering is. But whatever you have that belongs to her you need to get to her no matter who does it and get her the hell out of your head once and for all. I had a relationship with a borderline and it destroyed me--I empathize with your plight. When someone has borderline (which we used to call "complexes") there was NEVER any hope and that is true now as it was ever and will remain so. You can't be near that and remain sane--it causes you to keep second guessing yourself and that's not healthy. I had to move away and cut off all potential channels from my ex. Sure enough somewhere along the way my ex ran into my sister-in-law and you guessed it, she made sure to give me a dig by talking about her new marriage. It's pathetic--I feel sorry for whoever that guy is.

 

I urge you to get out of the pit that is her and do it yesterday. Get her crap out of your control and move on. Good luck.

[orangelady]

Holy banaly................

 

I think you need a fresh start in your life without women who have been married or pregnant for a while, bud.

 

I personally wouldn't be too interested in someone who has had too many relationships and looked like they haven't spent much time of their lives being single/alone or on their own.

 

Also, if you're going to have a relationship with someone suffering from any kind of mental disorder or depression, it's going to be one hell of a ride. Most don't make it out alive unhurt, but if you do..........congrats.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has Borderline and it does no good to try to figure out her motives or thought processes, because they are simply not rational.

 

BPD does not have a good prognosis, even with intense treatment. Most end up living very chaotic lives. Many self medicate with alcohol and drugs. Many commit suicide.

 

My sister was hospitalized long term in one of the best psychiatric hospitals in the country. She got the best treatment available, and came out no better than when she went in.

 

Count your blessings. Avoid her as much as possible. Distance is the best thing, because if you are on her radar it's only a matter of time before she sucks you into one of her big dramas.

[carhill]

I don't know what hoovering is

That's a term I came up with for people who suck the life (meaning emotional, physical, monetary, etc) out of others like a black hole obviates escape of anything, even light. It's a one way trip to a very unpleasant place.

 

The term itself derives from a home appliance I was and still am intimately aware of; the Hoover vacuum. It's a great reminder of why I'm happy to be single.

 

Hope things work out for the OP. NC can be a healthy place

[Feelin Frisky]

Just sharing a little something. As I said above I was burned--destroyed--by a relationship with someone afflicted with that problem. Her brother was an artist--a painter--and he painted a picture of her when she was about nine years old. It was uncanny how he captured her problematic identity on canvass. I can remember the picture clearly. It was not what you would expect from an older brother favoring a young sister. She must have been a handful even then for him to do what he did. And it surely took him quite some time to finish that work. The man was world class with paint. The image had no smile and just a look of confusion wrapped in a measure of beauty. It should be in picture dictionaries as an illustration of a toxic person.

[jaykay007]

I packed all the remaining stuff I could find in a crate, including the hand written letters addressed to me. It aches, it hurts like a son-of-a-b***, but life goes on, and so should I. I am sending this all to her via our only mutual friend. I made my piece, my wife and dear stepson I loved with all in me died a long time ago. I send her a text today and I hope it will stick, “Hi M, I am sending you what I can find to conclude on whatever you still might need from me. You have no reason to ever contact me again, and I will continue to remain absent. I hope you can find your place in the sun, I have. Goodbye J.”

 

I did find my place, this last 4 months had its difficult periods, but does not out number my happy moments with friends, myself and my family, so many people caring for my well-being. I’ve set new goals, I am my old self within my work environment, my personal life. The memories will remain, it’s the good ones that saddens me, but I hopeful the sadness will fade in time and get replaced by 100% happiness when I do find THAT one, that could truly respect me for who I am.

 

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

WOW.

4 engagements

3 marriages

2 divorces

and 2 kids

all by age 24 (if my calculations are correct)?

 

She sounds like the most precious and stable of gems

[orangelady]

Just sharing a little something. As I said above I was burned--destroyed--by a relationship with someone afflicted with that problem. Her brother was an artist--a painter--and he painted a picture of her when she was about nine years old. It was uncanny how he captured her problematic identity on canvass. I can remember the picture clearly. It was not what you would expect from an older brother favoring a young sister. She must have been a handful even then for him to do what he did. And it surely took him quite some time to finish that work. The man was world class with paint. The image had no smile and just a look of confusion wrapped in a measure of beauty. It should be in picture dictionaries as an illustration of a toxic person.

 

hey feeling frisky, how come you don't have a standard quote at the bottom of your page.

[Feelin Frisky]

hey feeling frisky, how come you don't have a standard quote at the bottom of your page.

 

I did but I think it was a little too much chest-beating. Other than that I'm not big on glorifying other people's remarks--I have faith in my own.

[Mutant Debutante]

That's a term I came up with for people who suck the life (meaning emotional, physical, monetary, etc) out of others like a black hole obviates escape of anything, even light. It's a one way trip to a very unpleasant place.

 

The term itself derives from a home appliance I was and still am intimately aware of; the Hoover vacuum. It's a great reminder of why I'm happy to be single.

 

Hope things work out for the OP. NC can be a healthy place

 

I always called these people Emotional Vampires. They suck (rimshot).

 

OP, this woman is a PIECE OF WORK. Get her her junk and block any more communication in any way you can. Yikes.

[carhill]

Yes, the specialists who deal in sucking love, empathy and sympathy (blood) are true vampires, but I tried to find a somewhat funny term to better describe the generalists who will suck most anything into their gaping maw. My best friend and I were lamenting such people over beers one evening and the word came to mind. He calls his deadbeat customers Hoovers now. It sounds so much more polite than azzhole

[Mutant Debutante]

It sounds so much more polite than azzhole

 

 

It does, it does.

 

Btw, OP, didn't mean to gloss over or make light of your loss of your stepson. I feel for you on that one, I really do. You are way better off without his mom in your life, but it's hard to let a kid go knowing you have no real power to get them back. I took my own mom to court to get custody of my sisters because she was one hell of a PIECE OF WORK too, but I was their biological sister so I had much better odds in court. I had to let go for a few years though until I was old enough and had the resources to do that, and it was tough knowing what was going on in that house when I wasn't there.

 

If you feel like the kid is endangered, you should get in touch with child services. You might have a fighting chance at some custody if the child is endangered by his mom and there's nobody else. But honestly it sounds like she's a nightmare but not in the way the court can/will do anything about.

 

Maybe when the kid is a little older, you can keep in touch, at least? Email, under mom's radar? I know my stepdad (the second one) was THE most important man in my life, ever. Almost killed me too when he died.

[zakfar]

I will also recommend you to simply forget her. Scratch all the things out of you mind and your house.

 

The best way to do so is to start dating yourself. Sooner or later, you will find someone for whom you will feel attraction. You will eventually get someone who will help you to forget your ex.

[jaykay007]

Latest news, she now started easing up to my parents. I am schocked!

[Duckduckgoose]

I wouldn't be shocked at anything this bitch does. Dunno what's wrong with her exactly but seems like she's mental.

 

Mental people are best kept on the other end of a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong stick.

[fltc]

Grab a globe, see what's the farthest spot on earth from her, move there!

 

Get out of her life and get her out of yours, she's as you describe, one who sucks the life out of everyone around her.