LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Dealing with an emotionally distant, evasive, mean husband.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Old 16th March 2011, 3:07 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
Dealing with an emotionally distant, evasive, mean husband.

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I thought I would join, and try and help others, and get some help as well. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for almost three years, we are both in our early 20's, and have an 18 month old. In the begining of our marriage, he was very controlling, but he still treated me like gold, he would open car doors for me, call me pet names, say how much he loved me all of the time, cry for me, I had never seen a man, so emotional, and so loving. He was very romantic, always getting me flowers, or doing something cute or nice for me. He was controlling because he didnt want to lose me. We had a child together, and then he got stop lossed, and had to go back to iraq. He was away for 1 year, and finally came back, but during that time, the distance drove us mad, and all we did was fight over the internet, when he was able to talk. During the times we didnt fight, he was the same old man I had first married, but during the end of his time in iraq, things started becoming very bad between us. He started hiding things from me, lying, he stopped talking to me as much, and then he came back. We almost ended up getting a divorce, we even had gone to court, but then we both talked about things, and decided we should work it out, for ourselves, and for our son because we still loved eachother. He told me that things would be like they used to, and that he wouldnt take me for granted anymore. So we moved in together, and it was good at first, no fighting, just a few arguments here and there, but then a few weeks later, it became constant fighting. He would call me names, put me down, calling me stupid, tell me that i wasnt smart enough to go to college, and names I dare not say on here, only because he would get mad at me for simple things that a normal person would just brush off their shoulders. When once we were very close, and he never wanted to be apart from me, now all he wanted was to be away from me, he said I talk to much, and that im annoying, and I would cry, and he would mock me while i was crying. He became mean, and rude, cold, unkind, evasive. He would avoid direct questions that I would ask him, or he would just ignore my question and say it wasnt important to talk about. We started going to counseling, but we ran out of money, and couldnt afford it anymore, counseling had helped a bit, but then when it quit, things became just as bad as they ever were. He seemed to revert back to his teenager days, not thinking about our family, and spending money on expensive things, and hiding it from me, until i looked on the bank account, and questioned him about it, than he would tell me "so what, I wanted to get it so i would" mind you, the things he bought were not cheap, they totalled in thousands of dollars! He began to consume himself, in his touch phone, which has internet on it, he would sit in the apartment, all day long , not wanting to leave, or take me out, playing games on his phone, completely ignoring me. He wasnt even a shadow, of what he used to be, the man I knew when I married, was gone. He would tell me that he didnt like going out with me, and just wanted to stay inside, and all I want is attention from other men. I got sick of the constant emotional abuse, and when i told him that he had become very emotionally abusive, all he said was "im not abusive, because im just telling you the truth, your stupid, and your worthless". I got sick of the emotional abuse, and living with a man whom I did not even know anymore, so i moved out. It has been since late november that I moved out, and have only visited him with our son, a few times. We keep communication going everyday, and rarely is it ever nice. When we talk on the phone, he always ends our conversation, by hanging up on me, without saying he loves me, in the middle of a conversation I am having with him. He never makes any attempts to see me, but then tells me im a horrible person, because I never go over and see him. He has become a selfish, imature, unloving, rude, mean, evasive person, yet somehow, i still love him. Im at a loss of what to do. He wants me to move back in with him, yet if i do, I know exactly what will happen, he will start fights, and threaten to throw out my belongings, mock me, be rude to me, put me down etc. I dont even know how a person, like that, can say he loves me. He says that I nag at him, but his deffinition of nagging, is me falling to my knees crying, because im hurt so badly because of how he treats me, and i tell him that I need him to change or we need a divorce. He wants to keep me, but he refuses to change. Hes very distant, and cold. How do I deal with a man like this? I obviously cant get him to change, because everyone has to change on their own, otherwise they wont change.. I should say to, he was diagnosed with ptsd, once he came back from iraq. I love him, and i know that somewhere in his heart, he still loves me, I still see it on oacasion, but I fear, that the man that I once fell madly in love with, is lost in the darkness forever. Please help me, give me your opinions, anything. I'm really at a loss of what to do. Thank you all in advance!
Swede_Heart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2011, 3:22 PM   #2
Established Member
 
TigerCub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,583
Hey Swede
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swede_Heart View Post
I should say to, he was diagnosed with ptsd, once he came back from iraq. I love him, and i know that somewhere in his heart, he still loves me, I still see it on oacasion, but I fear, that the man that I once fell madly in love with, is lost in the darkness forever. Please help me, give me your opinions, anything. I'm really at a loss of what to do. Thank you all in advance!
The part in bold is totally what was going through my mind, until I saw it there at the end of your post.

I understand your hesitation to move back with him, and yes, if it were me, unless there was a change, I wouldn't go back - you shouldn't be in an abusive relationship.

But as for your husband, can't he get therapy through resources from the army?
TigerCub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2011, 4:12 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
Well, we dont have the money for counseling currently, and he refuses to go the the VA hospital, and sign up for counselling, so im stuck in a rut...
Swede_Heart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2011, 12:30 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 24
he sounds like a horrible person for treating you that way. if he has ptsd he does not have to take it out on you. thats not an excuse to be abusive. you need to get out and stay out. obv hes gona try and be nice and sweet to get you back and then once he has you again hes gona be abusive. i would start dating other men if i were you so you can gain your self confidence back and remember what it feels like to be an adored, beautiful woman. so that you never even think twice about going back with someone like that
sassybetch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2011, 1:04 AM   #5
Established Member
 
dreamingoftigers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 9,015
Try reading Divorce Remedy. Don't take his abuse though! Absolutely take none, the second he acts like a shortest, terminate the conversation and don't call him back, wait until he contacts you and if he is a ****head again. Terminate the conversation again, if you are on the phone long enough to cry then you are reinforcing his behavior, he will test you. Don't give in and good for you for moving out!
__________________
I don't ask you to walk a mile in my shoes. I DARE you to drive a mile in my car.
dreamingoftigers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2011, 1:07 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: East of the West Coast
Posts: 163
Hi Swede_Heart,

Your husband is suffering from PTSD and needs to see a therapist. After he was diagnosed, what happened? A referral to therapy? Since you are military (as am I, my husbands AF) you can utilize Military One Source to locate a good therapist for you and your husband. http://www.militaryonesource.com/
You will be provided with a series of sessions to help you with your marriage and for your husbands PTSD. The service can set you up with IC sessions for both you and your husband and also couples therapy. This is all cost free for you, please take advantage of it.

It's easy to say your husband is mean, distant, evasive and uncaring, however he's got a lot of crap swimming around in his head right now from all the stuff he had to deal with while in Iraq.

I wish you all the best, what you're going through right now is very difficult and scary because he's not the man you once fell in love with. However, with therapy he can get better.

Make the call and get the help you both need.
Hugs.
Molley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2011, 10:28 PM   #7
New Member
 
C.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 4
I have mixed emotions with your situation.....

I 110% understand your pain with having a loved one in the military (i'm also a military wife), when they go overseas they almost always come back a different person. And that isn't always their fault. He doesn't have to physically go to the VA to seek counseling, contact your local EAP hotline (a FREE counseling service for military families) and get all the help you guys can!

I also 110% agree with your choice to move out. It's unfair to you AND your child for your husband to treat you in such a horrible way. Your baby might only be 18months old, but he can tell when there's tension and stress around his mommy and daddy, and that will effect him for the rest of his life.

So if your husband still refuses to seek help I would keep doing what you're doing and go down the road of divorce. He can't, and wont, change on his own. And it's not your job to change him...your job is to be a great mom to your baby... you guys deserve to be happy. Good luck with everything <3
__________________
Director of: LovelyHouseWife.com, LovelyMilitaryWife.com, LovelySingleMom.com
C.J. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2011, 10:31 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 173
I'm not going to read the entire thread, but I'll just say this. Nobody, male or female, should ever stay in a mean or abusive relationship under any circumstances, ever. If you have kids, that's all the more reason to leave and get them somewhere safe. If he as issues from his past, then the onus is on him to go to therapy and get them resolved. Your only responsibility here is to give him the space and the freedom to make that choice for himself.
The dot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2011, 1:04 AM   #9
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your opinions, advice, and support. Since he got stop-lossed, he is now done with his time, and no longer serving in the military, we used up all of our sessions that we could with military onesource, and we dont have the money for counseling anymore. Does anyone happen to know, that when you are done serving in the military, if you can still get counseling if needed? Because with military one source we only had a limited amount of sessions, and we used them all up.
I keep on having hope, that someday he will change, or you know, realize that hes treating me wrong, but it never does.. When I do visit with him, I have to walk on egg shells, when around him. I have to watch every word I say, sometimes I dont even have to say anything, and he attacks me. I mean, do any of you think that he can even be half the man he was before? Is there any hope for us? He has many problems, but I still love him with my whole heart, and want things to get better, and want us to be good again, I can forgive him for all of this, but I just cant live with him with how he treats me.. Do any of you think that he can change, and that he will treat me good again? Do you think that therapy will really help and change him if its ongoing?
Swede_Heart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2011, 1:13 AM   #10
Established Member
 
dreamingoftigers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 9,015
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swede_Heart View Post
Thank you all for your opinions, advice, and support. Since he got stop-lossed, he is now done with his time, and no longer serving in the military, we used up all of our sessions that we could with military onesource, and we dont have the money for counseling anymore. Does anyone happen to know, that when you are done serving in the military, if you can still get counseling if needed? Because with military one source we only had a limited amount of sessions, and we used them all up.
I keep on having hope, that someday he will change, or you know, realize that hes treating me wrong, but it never does.. When I do visit with him, I have to walk on egg shells, when around him. I have to watch every word I say, sometimes I dont even have to say anything, and he attacks me. I mean, do any of you think that he can even be half the man he was before? Is there any hope for us? He has many problems, but I still love him with my whole heart, and want things to get better, and want us to be good again, I can forgive him for all of this, but I just cant live with him with how he treats me.. Do any of you think that he can change, and that he will treat me good again? Do you think that therapy will really help and change him if its ongoing?
I think that it can change but not by you ever ever accepting that behaviour from him. In fact, you need to make it a condition that if you are to ever have a relationship again that he needs to get into anger management or some other form of counseling specifically for this.

EMDR therapy has worked absolute wonders for PTSD. Even if you have to save up and do one session a month, I highly highly recommend it. See if there is a practitioner in your area.
dreamingoftigers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2011, 3:18 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: planet earth
Posts: 146
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know you are really missing the husband you love. I have no idea how these things work, but I hope your 'real' husband comes back... x
PollyIvy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2011, 3:37 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: DC
Posts: 681
So you have an 18-month-old together, and he hasn't seen him more than a few times since November, because he didn't want to make the effort?
And you still love him, even though he treats you like crap, even now after moving out? He doesn't seem very interested in changing anything. He doesn't seem very responsible either, neither with money, nor with his son. He spends money - thousands of dollars - for stuff he likes to have for the fun of it, but you can't afford MC?
Do you see where his priorities are? They're not with you or his son, that's for sure. PTSD okay....bad thing, but hey, if he wants to get help he can get it. Doesn't mean he can act like a jerk and ignore his family. He still treats you like **** and you want to move back in? Cmon! What do you think is going to happen when you do that?
Please forget the love-word for a minute and direct your life towards a brighter future. Your best bet is to stay away from him. Abusive will be abusive forever. He doesn't even WANT to change! Wake up, girl!!!
Minnie09 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Emotionally Distant Kentucky Jelly Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 2 12th April 2010 9:40 PM
Emotionally distant, and avoiding infidelity in a relationship? Mydish1 In Search Of... 3 23rd March 2008 5:49 AM
A Rare Find & Emotionally Distant Sand&Water Dating 12 29th March 2007 8:07 PM
emotionally distant had_enough Abuse 1 18th February 2006 8:09 AM
she emotionally distant (by nature) how to rekindle rich_1517 Second Chances 15 4th March 2004 12:35 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:14 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.