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What causes a husband to turn away from his wife for porn?


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Old 18th February 2011, 7:19 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by loveagain View Post
You know, you bring up some really good points 2sunny.

I dont want a divorce.
I want my husband back.
I want our sex life back.
I want to be his fantasy girl not the porn

I need to take my power back as a women. Should I try to ignore the porn.....like nothing is wrong? He knows it bothers me. We used to have so much fun and he made me feel like the only woman on earth. Now.......nothing. I have all this negative dialouge in my head about not being good enough and it just wont go away.

I dont understand why I am jealous of a DVD? I am affraid that this will turn into him looking for sex outside of the marriage to play out his porn fantasies.

I just cant get the loop out of my head.
This post really makes me sad because it reminds me exactly of how I once felt. I tried SO hard to compete with the porn. And every time I felt second best and rejected. It took a major toll on my self esteem. I thought I was unattractive for a long time, and I know now that is not at all true.

The truth is it does not matter how hot you are, or how kinky you are, he will still want porn. All guys do because they like variety and it's an easy way to get himself off.

Don't feel bad about yourself. If you're like me you probably try to find hints he's looked at porn any chance you can. Stop for your own sanity. Don't look in places you know it might be.

Now I am not saying that you need to accept it, but you have told him how it makes you feel and now you have two choices; Either leave him over the porn, or ignore it. I chose to do the latter because I knew deep down I was not going to leave him over porn (although I'm not saying I shouldn't have).

I moved on. I figured out what my interests were separate of him and focused on those. I even started a book club to meet new friends. I became really focused on fitness and nutrition and being healthy. Which in the end contributed to me losing 15lbs and looking (and feeling) awesome.

It has been two years since I broached the porn issue in my home, or tried to see if he has looked at porn. I don't need confirmation, I know he does, but I don't care to know when, how, or how often. I don't feel bad about myself anymore, infact I feel more than ever I deserve better than what I've been given in this relationship.
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Old 18th February 2011, 7:22 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by loveagain View Post
What causes a husband to turn away from his wife for porn?

I wrote him a letter about his porn usage since this is not something he will discuss. The letter stated how it made me feel. No derogitory or insulting words to him. Just my feelings of how I cant compare to those girls and that I wanted to be his turn on.....not the porn.

After reading my letter.....he would not speak to me for 3 days. Totally pissed off at me for the letter. He would only speak to me if I apologized to him for writing the letter.

Any ideas as to why a man gives up his marriage/wife for porn?

Lets ask the more relevant question which is:

"what causes women to habitually respond this way and drive their husbands/boyfriends more toward the porn and further away from the relationship?????"

It's always the same stuff... (all I care about is our relationship... I want what is best for 'us'... my motives are plain and pure and he is the evil-doer... I can't compete with {Charlie Sheen's hottie of the moment}... I feel insecure...)

Much like an addict, when your statements say or imply one thing and your actions assure the opposite, then the resolution resides mostly within yourself.

This constant dialog from every post-starter on this topic, time after time here, just makes it difficult for readers to figure out which of you is the true addict and which is merely emulating one.
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Old 18th February 2011, 11:17 PM   #18
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i tried the ignore it. i tried the addressing it. i tried the watching it together. i tried for years, and eventually i lost.

i have no advice. just know, you're not alone.
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Old 19th February 2011, 5:11 AM   #19
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Hi I am so sorry to welcome you to this,

welcome to the wonderful world of porn addiction, you are going to get to learn allllll about porn and the chemical things it does to your man!


take a look at thesexuallyaddictedbrain.com

take a look at Out of The Shadows, In the Shadows of the Net, Facing the Shadow, and Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.

Sorry to tell you but the symptoms are just so classic and becoming more and more common.


How's his family background? I bet I can guess.......

This will undoubtably be one of the most crappy self-esteem damaging things you will go through as you discover what the Hell is wrong with your mate.

As well dailystrength.org

I hope your relationship goes better then mine did, I just had to throw my H out over the weekend for keeping a completely brand-new spare laptop in the garage so that he could sneak out to McDonald's and Starbucks for the wireless connection, pick a fight with me not to come home at night and then drink a series of energy drinks to stay out all night playing with himself in the parking lot.
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Old 19th February 2011, 5:39 AM   #20
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im sorry about your dilemma.
as a girl growing up i keep hearing about hubbies who leave their wives because she "let herself go" or didnt take care of herself anymore.
i think this is what happens to husbands also who turn into slobs and wear the same briefs for 4 days or dont bother showering. their wives might get turned off too..it goes both ways, but its mostly the wife who slacks off because she is taking care of an entire household..unless she has a career that forces her to look pretty..she might not feel the need to u know, work out..wear lingerie to bed..

i wish i dont have to do those when i get married (i wear lingerie but not every night) granted i do have to look after myself..so my hubby will look after himself too.

porn is ok to me as long as both of us are watching it, and as long as we dont depend on it (aka we dont need it to get off)..i personally like porn..but if my guy has a pic of random girls he knows irl that is an entirely different thing.


there will be blood.

Last edited by wbr4p; 19th February 2011 at 5:42 AM..
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Old 20th February 2011, 3:33 AM   #21
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I personally think men turn to porn because it offers a intimate connection without any intimacy. There is no fear because the pictures are not real.

The reason your husband is angry with you over the letter is because it made him feel bad about himself, and he can't handle his own bad feelings. Instead of motivating him to do better, his feelings motivate him to take it out on you. Somewhere inside himself he knows this is true, and the more he fails you, the worse he feels about himself.

Deep down the problem is his insecurity. He doesn't know what he is missing out on by missing a real intimate connection with you. If only he knew that making you happy would make him happy. Happier that a momentary but empty release from porn.

I think the best thing you can do for your marriage right now it take care of yourself. Reconnect to what you value in life. Find your purpose and live meaningfully and joyfully. Maybe you can draw him out of his isolating, lonely haze... but at the very least you will make it all the more obvious. He's got to feel hurt and feel like a failure before he can recognize enough to make a change. Bad feelings can be a good thing if they come out of reality and motivate change.

These are the answers I have come to... My husband fears intimacy as well, and I have caught him looking at porn a couple of times. It doesn't consume him, but it was enough for me to research the issue.
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Old 20th February 2011, 6:28 AM   #22
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I don't get it. Why would anyone want a complete waste of skin who has NO sense of responsibility toward being a productive human being and getting his lazy, worthless ass out into the world and WORKING for a living? How can you even respect a man who happily lets a woman support him while he sits around all day thinking that's perfectly fine?

And to make matters worse, he's a deviant who has to look at porn all day while his wife is out busting her ass supporting his porn habit. And then you get to come home and do all the work THERE as well because your man-child has spent yet another day in the "Spank Me Mommy!" chatroom drooling all over the keyboard. What a repulsive human being. He brings absolutely NOTHING to the table. Nothing.

If he's such an emotional cripple that he has to act like 5 year old kid and not talk to you for 3 days because you wanted to share your feelings with him, why are you even bothering at this point?

Kick his worthless ass OUT. Maybe THEN he'll realize that there aren't too many other women out there who are willing to support a lazy slug who contributes NOTHING to society. Quite honestly, being his "fantasy" woman is the LEAST of your problems. Blech.
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Old 21st February 2011, 3:32 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by loveagain View Post
Yes but do you IGNORE your wifes feelings and needs because you prefer the porn girls. I am sure they go home to their husbands, pooped and laying half asleep on the couch too. I have to work because my husband wont go out there and get a job.

I am not trying to pick on you.....but what about the REAL women that keep the electricity on in the house so that you can watch your beautiful porn stars? We are just to be kicked to the curb.

(sorry, I got a bit emotional)
So he is unemployed?

When I was unemployed I felt useless, depressed, unmanly and had no confidence.

He might be dealing with psychological issues due to his unemployment.
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Old 21st February 2011, 12:37 PM   #24
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Yes, he has been unemployed for 2 1/2 years. But he is not trying to get a job either. When he does get his unemployment check he ususally goes and blows most of it on gambling while I am at work.

The porn has torn us appart. It is not just "his" fantasy, it has effected MY reality.

He has no goals in life.
He has let himself go to the point of not showering for days.
There is NO intamacy in our relationship.....no talking.......no fun times at all.

the house is filthy and the garbage overflowing unless I do it.

I have told him how I want us to be back to the way we were.....having fun, common goals, planning for the future.

He knows how the porn has hurt our relationship, but he choses porn over his marriage.

I am just all worn out.
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Old 21st February 2011, 12:46 PM   #25
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I think his not having a job is the root of your problems, not the porn. If he is not showering for days, and letting himself go to this degree he obviously feels depressed. The porn is probably an outlet for his boredom sitting at home all day long and doing nothing.

I tried for the past year to get my husband back into the workforce. It was difficult though because my husband was a full time student up until this past December and would tell me he couldn't until he graduated. I didn't want him to work because of money, but because he was so unhappy being at home. I don't think many men do well being at home for long periods of time. I've personally seen two men try to stay at home, and both ended up very depressed (one is my husband) and stopped taking care of the home, and themselves somewhat.
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Old 21st February 2011, 1:09 PM   #26
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I just dont understand why he cant use another outlet......one that doesn't betray and hurt his wife.

I can understand that he may be depressed but I cannot fix that for him. Only he can go out there and get a job.

Porn is so distructive to a marriage.....especially when you tell him how it makes you feel and he chooses to ignore that.
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Old 21st February 2011, 1:54 PM   #27
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Yes, he has been unemployed for 2 1/2 years. But he is not trying to get a job either. When he does get his unemployment check he ususally goes and blows most of it on gambling while I am at work.

The porn has torn us appart. It is not just "his" fantasy, it has effected MY reality.

He has no goals in life.
He has let himself go to the point of not showering for days.
There is NO intamacy in our relationship.....no talking.......no fun times at all.

the house is filthy and the garbage overflowing unless I do it.

I have told him how I want us to be back to the way we were.....having fun, common goals, planning for the future.

He knows how the porn has hurt our relationship, but he choses porn over his marriage.

I am just all worn out.
Hey Loveagain,

I'm really sorry that you feel so hurt by the porn issue - but honestly, I think you got way bigger problems than porn.

Why do you even want this guy? Yes I understand there's love there, but really? He's unemployed, he's let himself go, he doesn't even bother to shower, he wants you to be his provider and his maid, so naturally, "mommy" (YOU) isn't going to be his object of desire (the fake porn girls are). And on top of all that - he doesn't care about what he's doing to you!!

I agree with those that think his overuse of porn is most likely due to depression but really, enough is enough, why are you killing yourself to get closer to someone that seems like such a loser (sorry, I know he's your H and you don't want bad things said about him), but that's how he's projected here.

I had a porn issue with an old bf, and it destroyed my self esteem, I finally told him that I'm done, I'd rather be alone than unhappy - its so not worth it!!

Once I left him, I felt so much better about myself, I concentrated on my self and worked on my self esteem and I've never felt better.

Stop the mommy role, tell him to get off his a$$ and get a job and tell him that if he can't be man enough to satisfy you - you'll simply find it elsewhere.

You make yourself look so much more undesirable by chasing after him and pleading with him, you make your insecurities seem so much greater (granted, he is the cause of the insecurity), but chasing after him and pleading, isn't going to help anything.

I got mad reading your post (so sorry if my response seems harsh at times), but I got mad FOR YOU. I know what you're going through (to an extent), but don't lower yourself by begging and pleading, you have so much more going for you than him - you can do better!!
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Old 21st February 2011, 2:04 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2sunny View Post
i want to ask YOU:

why is this man enough for you?

why do you stay with a man that doesn't participate by working and adding his money to run the household?

why do you put up with him when he makes you feel so alone and unloved?

why do you hand him that much power over your happiness?

these are things you need to find out for yourself... then make a decision to change it all.

yes, change can be a VERY good thing... especially when you eliminate the junk that drags you down.


I think ^ has a point. why the hell would you let someone do this to you? hes not going to change ... hes lying. first comes porn then when hes bored with it he will find someone to cheat on u. just leave him and save yourself the future heart ache. so yea lazy is one and the fact that he knows he has u there is second. Just let it go. or by any means find yourself another way to pleasure your feelings.... maybe u should let him catch u one day masturbating to porn and see how this will feel for him.
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Old 21st February 2011, 3:31 PM   #29
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But I did that with my letter since he WON'T talk about it. He calls me a nag if I try to talk about it. My letter outlined all my feelings and how him watching the porn made me feel. He got SOOOOO angry at me and would not talk to me for 3 days! The only way to make the peace was him insisting that I apologize for my letter and finding the porn he didnt delete.

Now he uses the DVD player for all his new purchases several times a day. No way to tell what is going on unless I find it in the laundry basket. (every day so far)

Maybe I should just shut up and live my own life. It has almost turned into a roomate situation.
Do you pay his bills? If you want action (either way - reconciliation or divorce) the best thing you can do is go and rent a place near your work and leave him to do some serious thinking and changing.

If you do this, take your valuable possessions with you and make sure you write down and get notarized all your furniture and possessions you leave behind. Take pictures of everything. Then you can write him a letter explaining that you are not his roommate that will pay the bills for him to live the lifestyle he chose. If he wants to work things out with you, he has to prove himself to be the man who is worthy of sharing his life with you, because right now you don't see it. All you see is a "man" with no job drooling at naked women on a screen, which is pretty pathetic.

For some people, they desperately need a serious wake up call, and you are basically enabling his poor lifestyle choice. With you moved out and paying your own bills (make sure the bills on ya'lls place also have his name on them... if you need help with this, if you call a woman's shelter and explain then they might be able to help you with advice on how to separate from him without paying his bills) he's going to wake up pretty soon to realize if he wants to eat or have clean clothes or have electricity..., he's going to have to take a break from the porn and get out there and get a job.

Hopefully, he'll change (because he has to) and become the man you married again, but even better! Or, the relationship could then be over... there is that risk, and if you do take this advice, don't do this until you have talked with someone who can help you get covered in all legal and financial matters, because you don't want to end up continuing to pay for him!
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Old 21st February 2011, 4:53 PM   #30
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I dont want to leave him. I work 10-12 hours as it is and the thought of packing up and leaving for a month is just not do able for me at the present time.

I dont have alot of money saved up because of paying the bills. Almost every bill is in my name.

he is a very vindictive person. My letter made him furious and if I left, then that just gives into him blaming me for everything. (which he does already).

I guess I just have to go about my business of keeping my job and work on myself.

I truely do not beleive that my leaving would do a thing. In fact when he was mad at me about my letter he told me never to call him or come home again. I just replied that it is my house too. He told me if I dont like the way he is, then I should just leave.

I dont think I am emotionally ready to leave a man that I have not even been married to for a year yet.
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