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Love the Man - Hate Where We Live


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Old 15th February 2011, 9:08 AM   #1
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Love the Man - Hate Where We Live

I moved in with my boyfriend six months ago. It is a very rural area and we are quite isolated. The locals here have not been very welcoming and I feel incredibly isolated. I am originally from a large city (1 million plus) and moved to an area about an hour away from where I live now 13 years ago. I thought I had adapted to living the rural life but now I'm not so sure.

There are few people our age here. He has about two friends and I have none. I try not to feel resentful when he goes out and drinks with them, but it's almost every day. It's like the one human being I see every day comes home drunk and it's impossible to have a good conversation with him. In addition, one of his friends is basically a lowlife who hates his wife and always gives my boyfriend "advice" on relationships which has caused nothing but trouble between us.

I work from home as a writer and I am starting to feel caged. I had a full time job in town when I moved in here, but my boyfriend was not happy with me working with a bunch of guys so I fell back on my freelance writing.

Every day is starting to feel like a chore here. I love him dearly, but I cannot stand living in this environment. He works the family farm and although he has another trade he could fall back on he prefers to stay here instead of moving away, even though he is unhappy most days with his job. On the plus side we do live rent free, but I think that is why he doesn't want to leave - I mean logically why give up free rent and free utilities when you don't have to.

I hate to leave someone because I don't like where we live, but I am at that point. What should I do?
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Old 15th February 2011, 9:48 AM   #2
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Keepinghope, it sounds like you are blaming geography for problems that go much further than being in a small town. You said:

--He goes out every night without you
--He regularly comes home drunk
--He seems to give a lowlife friend's advice credence, thus causing problems between the two of you
--He didn't like you working with men (wtf?) so you agreed to quit and cage yourself by working from home (controlling much???)

Goodness, woman -- no wonder you're unhappy...
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Old 15th February 2011, 10:01 AM   #3
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OP, whatever level of health it is, that's his lifestyle. He had it long before you and he met and will have it long after you're gone. IMO, it's just not compatible with your lifestyle and priorities.

I had an exW who similarly hated the country, even though I've lived here for more than a decade before we met. Even with her business in the nearby large city and having a free and independent social life with my support and me working at home, she still hated it. It wasn't the country she hated and I'm so glad she doesn't hate anymore, if you get my drift.

Move on. It'll do you both good.
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Old 15th February 2011, 10:06 AM   #4
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Hi Sunshine Girl,

When I first moved in, we spent practically every night together, he was always home and it was great. It's been about since Christmas that he started this going out most nights (he's usually home before 8 though most times). When I confronted him about it he said that he's been drinking more because he is uncertain about his future here. He does not have a good relationship at all with his father or his uncle and they run the farm. Pretty much every day someone is screaming at the other. I can't imagine working like that.

I agree the job thing was controlling. He's very insecure, especially since he's put on about 30 pounds since I moved in six months ago. I can make more money from home anyway so at the time I figured it was win-win. Now I'm not so sure!

It's obvious to me with his overeating and drinking he's miserable here but he won't leave. It's so frustrating. I mean I understand that he's the one who is going to supposedly get the family farm (whole other bag of worms here, there are eight kids in line and he's the youngest. There's gonna be a huge fight and I doubt he'll end up with the farm anyway).

I tried talking to him about the way people are here (you can say hi and they act like you don't exist.) His parents think I sit on my a$$ all day and mooch off of them because I don't have a "real job." When I'm the one bringing in more money lol. But anyway - he said that's just the way people are here and it's never going to change.

Just depressing and frustrating. It's no wonder this state has one of the highest percentages of alcoholics.
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Old 15th February 2011, 10:10 AM   #5
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@carhill - I'm glad you are happier now

I do love country life, don't get me wrong. And like Sunshine Girl said, I'm probably blaming the area for problems that go much further.

I've actually lived further away from town and been completely happy. I was in another state though and the people were totally different than they are here.

I don't really miss the city I think, although I do miss having things to do. Just feel that I have someone in my life and dang it I want to do stuff with them not just sit in front of the tv every night feeling myself age.

And it could just be a riproaring case of cabin fever after a long and horrible winter. I don't know. Just know I'm not happy and I can't figure out why.
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Old 15th February 2011, 11:17 AM   #6
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Oh, forgot to add, welcome to LS

Just as in our situation, it appears the geography isn't the impetus for the current feelings, rather the relationship dynamics. If irreconcilable (ours were), the healthiest thing to do is to move on. Even without the marked talking points of your OP, my exW just wasn't 'happy' with me and it made for a lousy number of years. If I hadn't been caring for my mother I'd have divorced her long ago. At least, hopefully, she's happy now. I know I am.
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Old 16th February 2011, 11:22 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keepinghope View Post
I moved in with my boyfriend six months ago. It is a very rural area and we are quite isolated. The locals here have not been very welcoming and I feel incredibly isolated. I am originally from a large city (1 million plus) and moved to an area about an hour away from where I live now 13 years ago. I thought I had adapted to living the rural life but now I'm not so sure.

There are few people our age here.
<snip>
I hate to leave someone because I don't like where we live, but I am at that point. What should I do?
I'm in pretty much the same situation except switch the genders. In 2009 I moved 400 miles to be with my now fiancee and I am struggling.
We also live in an isolated area, the neighbors have not been welcoming, in fact they are plain out crazy, most people here are alcoholics and pot heads, I have no friends, I also work from home, I sit in front of the TV at night watching my life pass me by because there is simply nothing else to do here, winter has been really tough.
It's like living in a void, a vacuum and sometimes the walls feel like they are closing in.
I don't have any advice for you. I just read your post and I could really, REALLY, relate to it. So much so that I decided to sign up for LS.
The only difference is that my fiancee doesn't have any friends either and so she doesn't go out drinking after work.
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Old 20th February 2011, 4:18 AM   #8
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Unhappy

I can also really relate! Sometimes I spend days crying just because I feel so lonely. I've always been the shy type, so it doesn't make it any easier. I also work from home, but this was my decision. My husband doesn't have any friends either, he seems to be happy just like that though lol so that is not a problem.

I moved from NYC to the south and sometimes I feel it's driving me crazy!

Ahh the things we do for love.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 4:47 PM   #9
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I can also really relate! Sometimes I spend days crying just because I feel so lonely. I've always been the shy type, so it doesn't make it any easier. I also work from home, but this was my decision. My husband doesn't have any friends either, he seems to be happy just like that though lol so that is not a problem.

I moved from NYC to the south and sometimes I feel it's driving me crazy!

Ahh the things we do for love.

Yep, I understand that completely. I would say that I spend 95% of my time alone. When my fiancee gets home from work she usually likes to spend time by herself and unwind. I used to get really angry about it but I can understand why she needs to do that now. I just think that if she was in my situation with no friends or family here she would go crazy. She isn't a very social person and she doesn't have any friends but she does talk to people at work all day and her whole family is here so it's not the same situation for her at all.
It's strange to move far away to be with someone but yet to feel so lonely. There are some days when you feel like you are going to go crazy from the loneliness and isolation.
I've been trying to find a job outside the house but haven't had any luck.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 6:42 PM   #10
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SOmehow in an odd way, I do think the environment of your homefront can be the issue. It really can be that simple and nothing more then that issue. I would love to say I'd be happy anywhere as happy comes from perspectives, yet if I am stuck smelling certain aromas or odors and having to endure nasty bugs and outer environment things that are less then pleasant, it will resonate against the happiness. The environment can very well have an effect on a persons over all wellbeing. I absolutely cannot endure more then a few hours in a large city. The bus fumes, the buildings that can topple and the lack of down right pleasant attitudes rubs off on me. So yeah, I get where the person can have the "place" be the problem and the fact that only being in contact with one other human can be isolating......Is it possible to take a holiday into the city or an area that does revive you? Sometimes that can at least lift your spirits or give cause to make some changes in your life choices?
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Old 23rd February 2011, 5:42 PM   #11
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I completely understand your situation I currently live 13 hours away from all my friends and family and the locals aren't welcoming and my husband works no stop so I am all alone! And its been a challenge I need to follow my own advice here but im probably not strong enough. But don't get lost in someone elses life you need a happy fulfilling life and if you chose to stay and live in his shadow wanting more you are just going to resent him!
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