When spouse leaves decisions to you then criticizes them...

[luvstarved]

This is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things but something that has become a slow drip of irritation for me.

 

When we are making plans,he always asks, when should we leave the house, or when should we go, or...should I go with you. If I ask,well,what do YOU think, I always get, I'm asking YOU.

 

So, I offer an opinion or suggestion. Then, he'll either agree with it at the moment without further comment, only to bitch about it later, or immediately criticize it as a bad opinion.

 

Example:

(Him)"What time do you want to leave to go skiing?"

"Doesn't matter to me"

"Well we need to pick a time"

"Do you have an opinion?"

"I'm asking forYOUR opinion"

"Well like I said it does not matter to me...how about 11?"

"11 is too late"

"OK then what time would you like to go"

"Whatever time you think"

"Well what about 10"

"OK that's fine"

then when it is 830 the next morning...

(Him)"Are you ready yet?"

"I thought we were leaving at 10"

"10 is late, I wanted to leave earlier"

"Well then why did you not say so"

"I did not want to get lambasted"

"WHAT?"

Then as it gets to be 9...930, he gets increasingly irritated that we have not left the house yet, and will bitch the whole way that we got a later start than he is happier with.

 

Another example:

Me:"I'm going Monday to see my new office"

"Can I come with you?"

"Sure"

"what time are we going?"

"oh about 1"

"OK I'll take the time off and come with you"

Then, a couple of days before the event:

"Do you want me to come with you Monday"

"I thought that was the plan"

"Well I'm just asking if you want me to go"

"I want you to go if you want to go, but don't feel like you have to"

"It's a simple question, do you WANT me to go. Don't overcomplicate it"

"well, that was the plan, so revisiting it at all seems like overcomplicating to me. Bringing it up again leads me to wonder if you have not changed your mind about wanting to go..."

(impatient sigh that I am not giving a "straight answer")

"I said I'll go if you want me to..."

 

 

WTF is this kind of stuff about? He won't make a decision but then gets snotty about whatever decision I make...It's almost like he's setting things up to give himself something to get angry about in the first case, and in the second case, either baiting me to beg him to come along, or changing his mind and not wanting to admit it.

 

Again, not a big deal, but happening a lot lately and getting on my freaking nerves...

[Brenfy]

My H does that too. Not for big decisions but it's incredibly annoying.

 

Me: where would you like to go for dinner tonight?

 

Him: I'm up for whatever. You're the picky one. You choose.

 

Me: ok, how about xxxx?

 

Him: no, I don't want to go there.

 

Me: ok, how about yyyy?

 

Him: no, I don't like that place. Why would you want to go there?

 

Then we end up going someplace he suggests because I'm starving & will agree to anything. Lol

[xxoo]

Another example:

Me:"I'm going Monday to see my new office"

"Can I come with you?"

"Sure"

"what time are we going?"

"oh about 1"

"OK I'll take the time off and come with you"

Then, a couple of days before the event:

"Do you want me to come with you Monday"

"I thought that was the plan"

"Well I'm just asking if you want me to go"

"I want you to go if you want to go, but don't feel like you have to"

"It's a simple question, do you WANT me to go. Don't overcomplicate it"

"well, that was the plan, so revisiting it at all seems like overcomplicating to me. Bringing it up again leads me to wonder if you have not changed your mind about wanting to go..."

(impatient sigh that I am not giving a "straight answer")

"I said I'll go if you want me to..."

 

I does sound like he wanted to know if YOU want him to go, seperate from what was already planned, and his own desire to go. He'd previously asked if he can come along, and now is asking "do you WANT me to go?"--and I see a difference there.

 

About the ski time conversation---I'd bring up the comment about not wanting to be "lambasted" and ask what that is all about. Seems like he has his own frustrations with these conversations, and you should talk about it together.

 

Maybe change it up, and respond differently. If you have no opinion, and he presses for one, say something like "I'll have to think about it. Can I get back to you at dinner?" or something like that. And then, at dinner, say "Leaving at 10 am would be ok with me, but I'm open to earlier or later. What time would you like to leave?".

[Snowflower]

Both examples sound like passive-aggressive behavior.

 

It's like the guy is setting you up for failure no matter what you say or try to decide. If he wanted to leave at 8:30 to go skiing, he should have told you so.

[tinktronik]

Mine does this.

 

Me: Are you hungry?

 

Him: Not really, but you obviously are. What would you like?

 

Me: Maybe Mexican; we could go to the place at XXX.

 

Him: I don't really want to go there. I'm not in the mood for Mexican.

 

Me: Okay, how about the little deli counter and we can have sandwiches?

 

Him: No, I don't want sandwiches either.

 

Me: Okay, what about Chinese?

 

Him: Okay chinese sounds really good. Can we leave in 15 mins?

 

Me: Yes, I will be ready. (30 mins. goes by and he is not ready and I am waiting.)

 

Him: Give me 5 more mins.

 

Me: They are going to stop serving in 30 mins. So we need to go in 5 mins.

 

Him: Okay I will get ready now. (30 more mins. goes by)

 

Me: Okay, now they are no longer serving. Now we have to go somewhere else.

 

Him: Fine! What would you like?

 

(And then we go through the list to have him reject them one by one until everything is closed. I end up with a crappy burger or tacos from the roach coach. He complains for hours about his indigestion.)

[Billy_Boy]

My Ex used to do things like that to me, drove me BONKERS!

 

She would always be so effing domineering, we never did anything I liked, so I adapted to like the things she liked for the sake of going along to get along, then she would complain that I never took charge and made any plans... because when I did she would cancel them, say they sucked, or insult them... so I would always ask her what she wanted to do. Now that I think about it, FU*K her!

 

As for the OP, your 2nd example was easy enough to avoid, she just wanted you to want her to be there... she didnt want you to want her to be there *IF* she wanted to be there, she wanted you to want her there in no uncertain terms.

[evoxracer]

Mine does this.

 

Me: Are you hungry?

 

Him: Not really, but you obviously are. What would you like?

 

Me: Maybe Mexican; we could go to the place at XXX.

 

Him: I don't really want to go there. I'm not in the mood for Mexican.

 

Me: Okay, how about the little deli counter and we can have sandwiches?

 

Him: No, I don't want sandwiches either.

 

Me: Okay, what about Chinese?

 

Him: Okay chinese sounds really good. Can we leave in 15 mins?

 

Me: Yes, I will be ready. (30 mins. goes by and he is not ready and I am waiting.)

 

Him: Give me 5 more mins.

 

Me: They are going to stop serving in 30 mins. So we need to go in 5 mins.

 

Him: Okay I will get ready now. (30 more mins. goes by)

 

Me: Okay, now they are no longer serving. Now we have to go somewhere else.

 

Him: Fine! What would you like?

 

(And then we go through the list to have him reject them one by one until everything is closed. I end up with a crappy burger or tacos from the roach coach. He complains for hours about his indigestion.)

 

 

This is exactly what my H does! Drives me crazy. Or I'll call and ask him what he wants me to cook and he says he doesn't care. So I cook something I know he likes yet he will still come home and say he doesn't want it and the go out and get something else.

[tinktronik]

This is exactly what my H does! Drives me crazy. Or I'll call and ask him what he wants me to cook and he says he doesn't care. So I cook something I know he likes yet he will still come home and say he doesn't want it and the go out and get something else.

 

I hate that!

 

My exH is so much worse than this. I will be either driving 24 hours cross country to see the kids or flying.

 

My ex: What time are you going to be here?

 

Me: I should make it into town sometime between 1-4 PM.

 

My ex: Well what time exactly?

 

Me: I don't know. I'm in Arizona right now and I have been driving since North Texas and I've had no sleep. With no unexpected stops and good traffic I should hit XXX California by 1. But if there's traffic or if I just have to pull off it could be as late as 4. I will call you about an hour out and let you know and then call once I am in town to let you know. I won't come to your house without calling.

 

My ex: Well, what time exactly?

 

Me: Let's say I will be in town at 4PM.

 

My ex: Well, is that going to be 3:45 or 4:15?

 

Me: I don't know! I will call you an hour out. If I am going to be later that 4 PM I will make sure you know! But assume I will be in town and ready for the kids by 4PM. If I am in town before 4 PM I will let you know and decide if I can get the kids earlier.

 

My ex: Well, why can't you be here by 1PM?

 

Me: I just explained this.

 

Me ex: Well, you know you are so irresponsible. You can't even guarantee a time.

 

Me: Okay. Are you going to be home at 4 PM?

 

My ex: Why should I accommodate you?

 

Me: Because you asked if I could drive across country 2 days early and have the kids so you and your wife could go to XXX function. And I did. I took time off work to do this because you asked me to. And I will be there ready for the kids at 4 PM.

 

My ex: Yeah right. Well, we'll see if you will actually do what you claim this time. I have to be at XXX function by 9 PM.

 

Me: Okay, I will be in town by 4 PM and ready, and no more than 10 mins. away from your house.

 

My ex: Yeah. Okay. We'll see.

 

( I call him an hour out at 1PM, no answer. I'm in town by 2 PM and call again, no answer. I call again at 4 PM, no answer. At 4:30 I go by his house. No one is home. I finally, get ahold of him at 7 PM.)

 

Me: Where are you? I've been here and waiting and calling since 1 PM.

 

My ex: I decided I was not going to accommodate you once again. You are so irresponsible! You disappoint the kids over and over and over! I decided to go to a fireworks show 3 hours away and everyone is with me. I decided I wanted to take them to XXX tomorrow and XXX the day after too. So you can see them in 2 days.

 

Me: Sigh. ( and I'm left sitting in a hotel room in XXX california, at $180 a night for days and days.)

[Billy_Boy]

I hate that!

 

My exH is so much worse than this. I will be either driving 24 hours cross country to see the kids or flying.

 

My ex: What time are you going to be here?

 

Me: I should make it into town sometime between 1-4 PM.

 

My ex: Well what time exactly?

 

Me: I don't know. I'm in Arizona right now and I have been driving since North Texas and I've had no sleep. With no unexpected stops and good traffic I should hit XXX California by 1. But if there's traffic or if I just have to pull off it could be as late as 4. I will call you about an hour out and let you know and then call once I am in town to let you know. I won't come to your house without calling.

 

My ex: Well, what time exactly?

 

Me: Let's say I will be in town at 4PM.

 

My ex: Well, is that going to be 3:45 or 4:15?

 

Me: I don't know! I will call you an hour out. If I am going to be later that 4 PM I will make sure you know! But assume I will be in town and ready for the kids by 4PM. If I am in town before 4 PM I will let you know and decide if I can get the kids earlier.

 

My ex: Well, why can't you be here by 1PM?

 

Me: I just explained this.

 

Me ex: Well, you know you are so irresponsible. You can't even guarantee a time.

 

Me: Okay. Are you going to be home at 4 PM?

 

My ex: Why should I accommodate you?

 

Me: Because you asked if I could drive across country 2 days early and have the kids so you and your wife could go to XXX function. And I did. I took time off work to do this because you asked me to. And I will be there ready for the kids at 4 PM.

 

My ex: Yeah right. Well, we'll see if you will actually do what you claim this time. I have to be at XXX function by 9 PM.

 

Me: Okay, I will be in town by 4 PM and ready, and no more than 10 mins. away from your house.

 

My ex: Yeah. Okay. We'll see.

 

( I call him an hour out at 1PM, no answer. I'm in town by 2 PM and call again, no answer. I call again at 4 PM, no answer. At 4:30 I go by his house. No one is home. I finally, get ahold of him at 7 PM.)

 

Me: Where are you? I've been here and waiting and calling since 1 PM.

 

My ex: I decided I was not going to accommodate you once again. You are so irresponsible! You disappoint the kids over and over and over! I decided to go to a fireworks show 3 hours away and everyone is with me. I decided I wanted to take them to XXX tomorrow and XXX the day after too. So you can see them in 2 days.

 

Me: Sigh. ( and I'm left sitting in a hotel room in XXX california, at $180 a night for days and days.)

 

Oh helllllll no. I would have to beat someones ass for that!

[rachel7475]

Hey, that's better than

 

HIM: What do you want to do for dinner?

 

ME: I don't care, whatever you want.

 

HIM: Well, what do you want? I want to know what you want.

 

ME: Anything is fine with me.

 

HIM: Ok, I guess we won't eat then.

 

ME: Why? What do you want? I'll make whatever you want.

 

HIM: No, just forget it, I'm not going to eat. (Storms off pissed)

 

WTF!

[luvstarved]

That reminds me of a related pet peeve...if dinner is not already ready to eat when he walks in the door, he will just eat something else and not eat the dinner...grrrrr. Doesn't matter if it is 5 minutes from completion...

[tinktronik]

Oh helllllll no. I would have to beat someones ass for that!

 

That is pretty close to the actual conversation. Story of my life. :lmao:

[carhill]

Her : 'Why did you go to all this trouble? I would've had cereal. (for dinner)'

 

 

ExW and I had a few love language problems

 

OP, TBH, I'm glad those days are behind me. Hope you can find some resolution. Best wishes

[tinktronik]

Her : 'Why did you go to all this trouble? I would've had cereal. (for dinner)'

 

 

 

D'oh. Are we talking cereal for dinner?

[carhill]

Yep, I generally cooked during the week and liked full-on meals like my mom used to cook for us. You know, all the food groups, made from ingredients. My exW, as she put it, was 'raised by wolves' and such things didn't matter to her. Life lesson #2835783.

[IzzyB]

My H does that too. Not for big decisions but it's incredibly annoying.

 

Me: where would you like to go for dinner tonight?

 

Him: I'm up for whatever. You're the picky one. You choose.

 

Me: ok, how about xxxx?

 

Him: no, I don't want to go there.

 

Me: ok, how about yyyy?

 

Him: no, I don't like that place. Why would you want to go there?

 

Then we end up going someplace he suggests because I'm starving & will agree to anything. Lol

 

Ohhhh this is me and my H too! It sucks. He makes it even more interesting as he will agree to what I suggest after he refuses to suggest a place. Then while we are driving he will ask as if we never even discussed it: "so where would you like to go?" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, we had just decided on the place. Were you NOT part of that discussion. And truthfully, i would have been fine with whatever he picked if he could make a decision.

[Undine]

Ohhhh this is me and my H too! It sucks. He makes it even more interesting as he will agree to what I suggest after he refuses to suggest a place. Then while we are driving he will ask as if we never even discussed it: "so where would you like to go?" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, we had just decided on the place. Were you NOT part of that discussion. And truthfully, i would have been fine with whatever he picked if he could make a decision.

 

 

I have these exact scenes with my husband too and sometimes it makes me want to tear my hair out with frustration. Like, didn't we JUST decide this? Who was I talking to, if not you?

 

Fortunately nothing as crazy as Tinktronik's situation, though. That guy just sounds mean.

[Questionis]

If that is an ocassional conversation, then fair play but if its always happening,try this

YOU: I am going to the chinese shop to get food, what would you like?

Him: I don't want chinese

YOU: ok, well I'm gonna run in before they shut, text me what you want and I will pick it up on the way back. Byeee