Is This Rape?

[Suerenity]

I am very tired of being married but try my best to "keep the peace" since I am financially stuck right now. I am seeing AM and love him to death. I've been through an extremely negative and difficult marriage for 6yrs. and with OM for about 8-9mths (seeing each other just about everyday). Now I have 2 kids, 7 and 2(boy & girl) and I'm trying to save money right now because I'm fed up and do plan to leave H by the end of the year at most. Here's the problem, I've told H for the past 2 years (since the birth of our daughter at least) that I didn't feel sexually attracted to him anymore. I mean I literally could watch an entire porn flick with him and NOT be turned on. In fact, I'm turned off because of the feeling of impending doom, by knowing what's to happen.(Having sex with him). Mind you, it's the complete opposite when I'm with with OM.

 

So on numerous occassions, either when we're having family gatherings or go out with the children, he would try to get me to drink. After which, when we get home and I get comfortable and put the kids to bed, I'd have another glass or two and go to sleep. The next morning, I'd wake up with a burning sensation, like I've been having sex. No matter what I tell him as to why I don't wish to have sex that night, he would do it. I was rather late on my Depo last month and had severe cramps to the point where I almost wanted to cry. I took 2 Baralgin (which knocks you out and I'm already a hard sleeper). When I awoke, the cramps were even worse, my underwear was clearly tampered with and wet, I was in physical pain in that area and not to mention 'itching'! I could not believe that that could happen to a person without them knowing and also, that my own husband would do that to me knowing that I was already in pain. The only reason I haven't reported these incidents to the police is because 1) it's sort of surreal because I was asleep and don't feel like anyone would believe that I didn't wake up during and 2) because I know that would be the end of our relationship before I'm financially able to take care of myself.

 

He is not working right now full time anyhow and only does partial weeks work and I don't feel like him being arrested would help the kids or our situation but inside I'm torn apart and grieving because I can't believe this has happened to me. Not once, not twice, but more than about 5 times. I feel sooo stupid. All of this is the reason why I don't want to have normal sex with him because it's now a full turn off. All I see him as is a sex-addicted rapist. He does this too with the aid of pornography. I mean isn't masturbation just as fulfilling. It is for me! I would never do that to a person.

 

I know that this is rape but don't know what I should do at this point about it. God I want out! Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

[greengoddess]

Honestly, I don't know what I am more sick about. Your husband having sex with you while you are passed out wasted or you having an affair and using your husband for a paycheck.

 

If he is capable of that I would get out before he discovers your affair.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just get out already! What more do you need? Go to a Mormon church or something for help.

[aerogurl87]

Yes what your husband is doing is rape. You need to report him, I don't care if it would hurt you and the kids financially, rape is rape. Not only that but obviously you don't love him as you're cheating on him so why do you care if he goes to jail?

[greengoddess]

Yes what your husband is doing is rape. You need to report him, I don't care if it would hurt you and the kids financially, rape is rape. Not only that but obviously you don't love him as you're cheating on him so why do you care if he goes to jail?

 

Honestly I would be worried about reporting him. It could really backfire on her. He is going to deny deny deny and then he is going to say she is in an affair and just trying to get full custody of the kids. How do you prove it was rape. She has continued to live in/ sleep in the same house as him after being raped numerous times. It won't be believed.

 

I am really worried about your children. You need to get out and get help. Your children should not be around a man capable of this and you also should not be drinking/drugging to such an extreme that you do not wake up from harmful hurtful sex. What if there was a fire or something? Anything?? Your kids need you to be coherent for them.

[JackJack]

You need to get out of that situation, and to be completely checked out by your medical doctor. Burning and cramping might not just be from what your husband is doing.

[FanFan]

I think you need to recognize two problems:

 

1) You need to get help with your drinking.

 

2) You need to stop cheating.

[Arabella]

I think you need to recognize two problems:

 

1) You need to get help with your drinking.

 

2) You need to stop cheating.

 

So the problems are that she is drinking and cheating... NOT that she is being raped by her own husband? Wow.

 

What she is doing may be wrong, but BY NO MEANS justifies what he's doing to her!

 

Arabella

[greengoddess]

So the problems are that she is drinking and cheating... NOT that she is being raped by her own husband? Wow.

 

What she is doing may be wrong, but BY NO MEANS justifies what he's doing to her!

 

Arabella

 

no it does not but if she is not willing to leave and is going to continue to use her husband for a paycheck then she needs to stop drinking/drugging to protect herself and her children. He is raping her but he is doing it after she passes out. She needs to stop that behavior to protect herself.

 

And yes she needs to stop cheating until she is ready to leave. If her husband is capable of this he is capable of anything. I would not want him to discover them.

[PandorasBox]

There are choices to be made here. You can choose to stay in this situation, or you can choose to leave.

 

"Not once not twice, but more than about 5 times."

 

So you have realized this and remained there, not once or twice but about 5?

[Suerenity]

Okay I do agree that I NEED to leave, like now. However, there are all sorts of technicalities that have prevented me from doing so thus far.

 

1. My car is down at the moment.

2. My H is currently unemployed and would have absolutely nowhere to

live and no means of supporting himself.

3. The kids and I would have to find somewhere to live also because

OM's place doesn't allow kids, which is why he is currently looking for

another apartment. (Which of course I didn't want to move immediately

in with him with my kids because we all need to adjust first).

4. I have very little money saved up in order to do all of this.

 

Now, about the cheating part, like Arabella says, me cheating DOES NOT make rape right. I am not trying to justify what I'm doing but when a man has cheated on you for practically your whole relationship (9-10 years), hjas treated you and talked to you like dirt for the most part, you tend to need some comfort, compassion, love and romance. All these things I have been begging him for for years, to no avail. I don't feel right about what I'm doing to H, but I must say for myself it feels right, even though we all know that it's wrong.

 

Secondly, I don't have a drinking problem. When I say drinks, I mean a few glasses of wine after dinner (Like any normal adult couple or person). I mentioned that I do sleep hard and H is extremely deceitful and coniving. A few times I awoke when he attempted and just layed there and pretended to be asleep. If it takes him 15 minutes, he would slip one side of my pants, slip another side, wait....Slip, slip, wait, slip, slip, wait...Stop.... play sleep, slip, stop, wait. I have threatened him before with going to the police. I told him that it is very demeaning and makes me feel like less than a human being. I told him that this is why I've lost not only some, but going on all of my interest in being intimate with him because I see him as a perverted sex beast. I'm sure that I am not the only person that this has happened to.

 

I feel so hurt. Between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do to take myself out of this situation without causing anyone to suffer. Is that my problem? Do I care about people too much more than I do about myself? Did domeone say "Mormon church"? What do they do there. I know it sounds like a silly question but I need answers. I'm desperate.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay I do agree that I NEED to leave, like now. However, there are all sorts of technicalities that have prevented me from doing so thus far.

 

1. My car is down at the moment.

Take the bus.

2. My H is currently unemployed and would have absolutely nowhere to

live and no means of supporting himself.

He's a cheating rapist, let him figure it out.

3. The kids and I would have to find somewhere to live also because

OM's place doesn't allow kids, which is why he is currently looking for

another apartment. (Which of course I didn't want to move immediately

in with him with my kids because we all need to adjust first).

Go to a shelter or something.

4. I have very little money saved up in order to do all of this.

Go and fly a sign, what area do you live in?

 

Now, about the cheating part, like Arabella says, me cheating DOES NOT make rape right. I am not trying to justify what I'm doing but when a man has cheated on you for practically your whole relationship (9-10 years), hjas treated you and talked to you like dirt for the most part, you tend to need some comfort, compassion, love and romance. All these things I have been begging him for for years, to no avail. I don't feel right about what I'm doing to H, but I must say for myself it feels right, even though we all know that it's wrong.

 

Secondly, I don't have a drinking problem. When I say drinks, I mean a few glasses of wine after dinner (Like any normal adult couple or person). I mentioned that I do sleep hard and H is extremely deceitful and coniving. A few times I awoke when he attempted and just layed there and pretended to be asleep. If it takes him 15 minutes, he would slip one side of my pants, slip another side, wait....Slip, slip, wait, slip, slip, wait...Stop.... play sleep, slip, stop, wait. I have threatened him before with going to the police. I told him that it is very demeaning and makes me feel like less than a human being. I told him that this is why I've lost not only some, but going on all of my interest in being intimate with him because I see him as a perverted sex beast. I'm sure that I am not the only person that this has happened to.

 

I feel so hurt. Between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do to take myself out of this situation without causing anyone to suffer. Is that my problem? Do I care about people too much more than I do about myself? Did domeone say "Mormon church"? What do they do there. I know it sounds like a silly question but I need answers. I'm desperate.

 

Mormon church would either help you directly or direct you to people that can. Up here they are great. They paid my rent when I couldn't pay it. Offered out counseling and food. It depends on what resources they have in your area.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with dreamingoftigers, take the bus if your car is down and go find a women's shelter. Who cares about your husband, if he's raping you he can go spend the night on a bench or the curb. Also I was wondering why this OM isn't helping you out, I won't condone the cheating, but I would think he'd try to help out more. And where does he live exactly right now? Because I've never heard of any apartment, condo, or house that bans children.

[Suerenity]

Oh yes!!! Where I live in The Bahamas, many, many apartments do not allow kids or pets and will say so boldly in their advertisements. "NO SMOKERS,KIDS,PETS ALLOWED ! In bold print just like that. Now OM unfortunately lives in one of them. He has just gotten out of a very nasty, long distance court battle which has him on kind of a tight budget himself. I do know that when he is able to, he does whatever he can to help me. Just that it's more like a lump sum I need right about now. lol

[Mimolicious]

Whoa! Ok, I really don't know where to start...

 

First- (I am sorry that I am going to bring this up and by no means am I trying to overlook the fact that you are being taken advantage by your H). You are in an A with someone that can't even help you in such a disturbing situation? Sorry, why are you in this side R, again? After a feeling of what? Because it doesn't sound that is one of comfort.

 

Is your AP is in a senior citizen community, the military or a shelter? They don't allow children? This is against the T&L laws in the US. Your location states you're in the Bahamas, things may be different there I guess. (if this is really your location).

 

You said that your H wont have a place to go. And you care about this????????? Whoa! God bless your heart, you are better than me.

 

 

I mentioned that I do sleep hard and H is extremely deceitful and coniving. A few times I awoke when he attempted and just layed there and pretended to be asleep. If it takes him 15 minutes, he would slip one side of my pants, slip another side, wait....Slip, slip, wait, slip, slip, wait...Stop.... play sleep, slip, stop, wait.

 

Uh? Hone, unless you are giving a horse tranquilizer, your wine is spiked with some day rape drugs or you are drunk out your mind to the point of blanking out, I can't seem to grasp the fact that you wont feel your H taking advantage of you. I find this hard to believe. (sorry but I do)

Doesn't make it any less severe that he is getting physical with you without your consent and yes this is considered rape, but are you sure you are not being drugged?

 

IMO- you have something more serious at hand than to worry about conducting an A (and honestly, with someone that is not even able to defend you?). YOU HAVE CHILDREN that should also be of your concern. For all you know, your children can be abused as well. (God Forbid!)

[PandorasBox]

"My H is currently unemployed and would have absolutely nowhere to

live and no means of supporting himself".

 

If he is raping you, this should be the least of your concerns. He is no longer your concern, yourself and kids are.

[Mimolicious]

Oh yes!!! Where I live in The Bahamas, many, many apartments do not allow kids or pets and will say so boldly in their advertisements. "NO SMOKERS,KIDS,PETS ALLOWED ! In bold print just like that. Now OM unfortunately lives in one of them. He has just gotten out of a very nasty, long distance court battle which has him on kind of a tight budget himself. I do know that when he is able to, he does whatever he can to help me. Just that it's more like a lump sum I need right about now. lol

 

Amazing- Get RID OF THE ABUSER but you may not find yourself getting an upgrade either. Have you thought about this?

 

"Long distance court battle" and resides in the Bahamas?! Suspect!

Do you know what kind of "battle"? Many people avoiding jail time in the US run offshore and the Bahamas is a hot-spot for this type of people. I am sorry if I sound a bit paranoid but before you get yourself into anything crazier, find out who your OM really is. This is a huge redflag.

 

You don't have any relatives?

[nddb]

This is a tragic situation for your kids.

 

I am disgusted with your behavior (cheating, using your husband for paycheck and a living situation, drunk until passed out, etc.) when you have kids and a situation you need to solve.

 

I'm disgusted with your husband's behavior, if what you allege is true.

 

Nevertheless, the only true victims here are the kids.

[Taramere]

I know that this is rape but don't know what I should do at this point about it. God I want out! Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

 

I don't think it's within the scope of a message board like this to help with the situation you're describing. It's a crisis, and you need professional crisis intervention. Why don't you give the following centre a call:

 

http://www.bahamascrisiscentre.org/page4.html

 

Hopefully that isn't an old link, and the centre still exists. The centre might not be that close to where you live, but I see they have a 24 hour hotline - and perhaps it would be a useful port of call for you right now. I hope they can help you with this situation.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I truly don't mean to get into "blaming the victim." Yes, OP, it is rape. Much of your own behavior, however, is colluding with this horrible behavior of your husband's. You say he "tries to get you to drink." Well ... DON'T. If he is going to rape you when you are passed out ... DON'T TAKE THE KNOCK - OUT DRUGS.

 

That's all kind of beside the point, because you do not seem willing to leave (and protect your children from) a very bad situation for you and for them. Since you aren't, what advice could anyone give you?

 

Your lack of sexual attraction to your husband and your financial dependency upon him does not in any way justify your affair, nor does any horrible behavior of his. Can you please get your priorities in order? Living with a man who is raping you ... going out drinking with him and then sleeping in the same bed with him ... well, it does not justify what HE is doing but it surely does not speak well about your role in your own awful mess.

 

GET HELP.

[Jack & Coke]

You're raping him too, just not physically. Either do both of you a favor and get out or accept what goes on and stay. It's really not that complicated.

[PandorasBox]

IMO you should get rid of them both, Your husband and the other man. Start fresh for you and your kids.

[Suerenity]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess I have been silly about this whole situatuon. I do love my kids to death and have always said that I would do anything for them but this is something that I feel very ashamed of. Most women would have packed up their kids and run like hell, even though they haven't got a sure place to go. I don't know what/who I've become. After all the years of verbal/emotional abuse I guess my self esteemed has been so damaged that I failed to believe that I could make it on my own (been w/H since 18, now 28) as well as him having such manipulative and guilt inducing ways, believing that he has been the only person to stick with me, thus non-deserving of punishment or negative consequences. I will contact the hotline to see what the next course of action should be in this instance.

 

Two things I do not understand though are 1) Why I would come on this forum and lie about where I live (like some user has speculated), and 2) Why people believe that I was getting "drunk" to the point of passing out. I have never said that and CLEARLY indicated that I had "a few glasses of wine". Trust me, it takes waaayyyy more than 2-3 drinks for me to get DRUNK. I guess it's not for me to care about who believes me and who doesn't. I KNOW what I'm facing and ultimately what I should do about it but fear has crippled me. I do not rely on H for a paycheck. I have not received a gift (Xmas, Birthday, Mother's Day, ANYTHING) from this man in years. Because of his LACK of money and me doing the very best that I could off of my salary and any extra money that I do get, the electricity has been turned off, the cable was nearly off and we were almost put out of our apartment on several occassions. If I was living off his paycheck, I would never have even dreamed of carrying on an A, as I would plainly say that my H is my world and takes care of me. He doesn't. I do appreciate all the helpful comments though because sometimes it takes you to step out of the box to fully access the situation and make the necessary moves. I stay posted.

[greengoddess]

I mentioned you getting passed out drunk and it was because I can not imagine him being able to rape you if you were not passed out. You said previously he would inch your underwear down. I don't get it. You felt that but not him penetrating you and to the point you hurt the next morning.

 

I also don't get why if he rapes you and you are in love with another man why you would be with him. If you are supporting him kick his butt out. Your story just doesn't make sense as written.

 

I'm curious why after the birth of your second child you found him to be so repulsive sexually. What happened?

[EnigmasMuse]

This is a terrible situation to be in and I hope you find the right answers as what to do.

 

I saw where you stated you took something that knocked you out, I think for cramps or pain? Was that just the one time you took that and it knocked you out and you didn't know what he was doing? Then you had stated this happened like 5 times, so if you were knocked out from the one time of taking that pill, what about the other times he was raping you? You didn't realize he was doing any of that?

 

I'm a hard sleeper as well like you said you were. But for me, like through a bad thunder storm or something, but I think I would know if someone was messing with me like that, because you said you were hurting and cramping, so sounds like might be kind of hard or forceful. I think I would know.