married and lonely. I need more: I am tired of being the full-time nanny

[lonelygirl33]

I am a 33 year old female who has been married for almost 8 years. My husband has 3 kids who we took custody of 7 years ago, I had a son and now we had 2 children together. We have kids in the home with us now, and somehow, I feel like a nanny rather than a wife.

 

My life was put on hold as my mother in law and hubby thought I shouldn't work or go to college, just take care of the kids and play suzie homemaker until they are raised. Well, my husband basically neglects me as his wife. The sex desire died a long time ago for me possibly because of the anger I feel not being able to have a life of my own as far as a career, or time for myself. My marriage has always been based on what hubby and his mommy think of what I should do, how to do it, how to raise the kids, etc...

 

I have had this life since I was 23, and now I am tired of being the full-time nanny while he does his thing after work. I rarely see the outdoors because I am pinned in the house everyday. He comes home from work, stays outside piddling, comes in to eat and then is asleep on the couch by 8 or 9 pm. This is 7 days a week. Our finances are limited, so there is little that I can do that I enjoy.

 

Well, to get to the point, I met a guy about 3 years ago. I guess maybe I was looking for attention? Someone to notice me as a person. This guy did. He complimented me on my looks all the time, loved my kids and loved me as a person. I actually had so much fun when we were together. Well, I filed for divorce from my husband, and even attended the required parenting class. But that was as far as it went. I felt bad for doing this to my husband, not because of him, but because of the kids. I felt bad for taking his kids from him I guess. Needless to say, we got back together 6 months later regardless of my feelings for this other guy.

 

I don't know if I love my husband. But 3 years since we have been back together, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of this other guy. I do love him and he always supported everything I did. My husband has never told me that I look nice no matter how I try to improve myself, or anything that I do. Not even a "thank you" for taking care of our kids. I began to let myself go as far as my personal appearance. I don't get dressed, put on makeup or even brush my hair half of the time because it's not like I'm going anywhere or getting noticed by him. I don't dare tell him that I feel lonely in this marriage, or that I need more because he gets mad, and refuses to talk about it. He thinks I'm just crazy and imagining things, and counseling is out of the question! Sex is when he wants it, and doesn't care what I want. He tells me that if I want sex, then I need to get the kids to bed and I can have it. (Needless to say, their sleep schedule is all messed up!)

 

Does this make sense? I have been going through migraines and major depression because I am so down in the dumps. The decision I am making is, do I put my children first and make it work? I thought it would be better after we got back together, but it's the same story again. I miss this other guy, but my kids come first.

 

Any advice you may have would help! Thanks so much

[BklynGuy]

You have to dig deep inside yourself to figure out what you really want. You should try talking to your husband about things. If nothing gets better, then maybe you should get out. The kids part is a major factor in your decision. I come from a broken home and it does take a huge toll on the kids unless the parents can discuss it maturely with them. I have always felt like I did something wrong and that's why my parents divorced. It has followed me around all of these years and I am only now really beginning to recognize this. I would say do what is right for yourself and for the children.

[Thor]

Looks like you're in the same boat as you were before you filed for divorce. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that anything will change in the future. So, on a personal level, you must leave. You need to leave because it's not a good situation for you. You sound like you are a vibrant woman, but currently locked away in a cage. I can't say for certain that the other guy the way to go, but I'm fairly certain that your marriage will only make you unhappy for years to come.

 

As for the kids? I have found kids to be very intuitive. I'll be willing to bet that the older ones probably have a good idea as to what is going on. At the very least, they probably feel the change in you such as your physical attire or the way you feel on a day to day basis. In that sense, you're not doing your children any favors by staying in this marriage. Do yourself and your kids a big favor and leave this marriage. If your husband is an excellent father then go for joint physical custody. I'm sure all parties will be much better off.

[Carly]

I read your sad situation, I am not convinced that you have laid out all of your options. Why is the choice for you to either stay in the marriage as a prisoner of the home, or you leave it altogether? Why do you feel so powerless to get yourself out of the the house occassionally to go to college or get a job?

 

Lots and lots of women have partners who do not support them working or going to college -- after all, their partners would give up the conveniences that go along with a full-time housekeeper, cook and caregiver for the kids.

 

But do you know what? Lots of these women do it anyways. They get up, brush there hair, find a sitter for the kids, and get a job. Or they sign up for courses to better themselves. Why can't you do that? What is really stopping you? How can your husband and inlaws have so much power over you that they can stop you from getting out of the house to end your house-bound misery?

 

Sounds like if you leave the marriage right now, you have a LOT to lose. You will be living in poverty, and will have no support to go to college and better yourself. And you risk losing the trust and goodwill of all the children in your lives -- children for whom you DID accept responsibility for (in fact you brought two of them into the world!). Re-evaluating your happiness about those choices you made is not in your best interest right now.

 

Am I against divorce? Absolutely not. If he is truly keeping you hostage to the home, then try to get out of his life as safely as possible. But that doesn't sound like the case. I worry that walking out right now would only add more misery to your situation.

 

I also feel that if you simply got a job or took some courses, then your self-esteem will improve. It will also put you in a better positon you to go it alone should you end up getting divorced down the road.

 

And here is some good news: Research shows that women who go back to work actually enjoy better sex lives with their partners than the stay-at-home moms!!

 

And the other guy in question? Sorry to sound callous here, but the chances of him sticking around you after the divorce are very slim. Why would he want the extra burdon of six kids and the whack of lawyers that go along with your divorce. He probably finds you a lot easier to love from the "safety" of knowing that you are still connected to your marriage. Things between you and this other guy will change if you left your husband (sorry, but that is the reality).

 

Perhaps you should visit one of the divorce forums on the internet (at msn?) before you get too far into the divorce route. There are many sad lessons to be learned from their stories of jumping ship too soon from an unhappy marriage.

 

Good luck.

[lonelygirl33]

Carly, thanks for the advice! I am however, taking courses. I am taking courses through a university in distance learning (at home). I had no choice there either. I was told that I was not going to school, so I do the school at home.

 

It's easier said than done as far as working aside from what my hubby says. One factor that also prevents me from working is the fact that I am not from this state, therefore I don't know anyone around here, and to watch my kids at that. My mom is too far away and my hubby's mom refuses to babysit so that I won't work.

 

As far as this "other guy," I know he won't walk away once I've left my hubby because when I first started divorce proceedings, I was with him. We were together for 8 months and he wanted to get married. He even babysat my kids so that I could work since hubby wouldn't. It ended because I ended it, not him. He loves the kids and they like him. He's not the reason I want to leave the marriage though. My hubby has power over me because of the simple fact that I don't know anyone and they know it. My children are very young, however my oldest one doesn't like my husband at all, so he is all too familiar with the situation because he see's it. But I'm kind of thinking, though I may live in poverty if I left, wouldnt' it be better than living in prison? I don't know. I do appreciate your opinion though very much.

 

Bklynguy and Thor, I really appreciate your advice so much as well. Bklynguy, I know exactly what you mean. I came from a broken home as well, and I have to agree to your point about the kids being the main ones. I can't be a mom to them if I can't be happy doing it. Thanks so much you guys!