Jump to content

Sex When One Partner Can't?


Recommended Posts

My wife has recently had surgery and won't be able to have intercourse for 6-8 weeks, maybe longer. While we've had the ups and downs one would expect in a 25-year marriage, she's always been a generous and giving lover. I couldn't count the number of sexual favors I've received in the last 3 decades.

 

She is vocal about wanting me to approach her on a regular basis during her recovery even though I can't satisfy her on those occasions. But I'm hung up on feeling guilty about what would be a selfish act considering the circumstances with additional apprehension as to whether she would be comfortable, in pain or discomfort, etc.

 

How do others handle similar situations? I'm trying to remember back to the last trimester of her preganancy with our youngest but we had sex pretty much right up to the end. Thanks for your input...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife had surgery 2 weeks ago (D&C ) and cannot have intercourse for three weeks.

 

There are other ways of having sex as I told her when she was worried about this 3 week sexless span we had coming up.

 

She has been pleasuring me in a multitude of ways and I have been doing the same for her.

 

In our case the doc said "no penetration" but that still leaves a lot of non-penetrative ways of enjoying ourselves.

 

In fact it`s been kind of exciting throwing this new twist into our sex life.

 

Make a game of it if you can, that`s what we`ve done.

 

Just be aware of her condition and the things she may find uncomfortable or painful due to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella

As a woman who has been in this predictament. I can tell you it was very satisfying for me to pleasure my partner. Talk to her explain how you feel and get her take on it. I am sure she will feel the same way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater

Like Linwood's wife, mine had a D&C almost 3 weeks ago, only her doc set the "no sex" period at 4 weeks. And my wife will hew to it absolutely, just like after our kids were born.

 

My struggle is alternating between feeling selfish for wanting some form of sexual contact (I've brought it up - once - in the context of pleasing each other) and feeling that she's a little selfish for not even entertaining the thought.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Our normal sex life includes daily touch and play, resulting in orgasm 4-5+ times a week, but intercourse only 1-2 times a week. So, in times when intercourse is out for a few weeks, we continue with the other activities. Touch (sexual touch) and expression of sexual interest never stops.

 

The only caveat I have it, be careful about your erection becoming her "problem". What I mean is, I appreciate that my H doesn't expect me to provide him a release every time he gets turned on--which is every time he touches me :laugh:. I do, happily, a lot of the time, but other times he does it himself, or just lets it go for the time being. Because of this, I never have a reason to shy away from touch, cuddling, attempting sexual acts that I might not be ready for, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

bingo! Focus on the touching and cuddling aspect of your relationship, as xxoo says – woo her. Believe me, you're gonna knock her socks off in a way you cannot imagine, because you're going to be showing her that you still see her as "that girl" who still catches your eye, and not just your wife and sex partner.

 

romance is the key here, from cuddling, to holding hands, to kissing her just because ... eventually, you're gonna be back to the place where you were before, able to have sex, but what you do in the meantime can be an incredible opportunity to make her feel wanted and needed and loved on a whole other level.

 

just my 2 cents ...

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
bingo! Focus on the touching and cuddling aspect of your relationship, as xxoo says – woo her. Believe me, you're gonna knock her socks off in a way you cannot imagine, because you're going to be showing her that you still see her as "that girl" who still catches your eye, and not just your wife and sex partner.

 

romance is the key here, from cuddling, to holding hands, to kissing her just because ... eventually, you're gonna be back to the place where you were before, able to have sex, but what you do in the meantime can be an incredible opportunity to make her feel wanted and needed and loved on a whole other level.

 

just my 2 cents ...

 

Outstanding advice, and I'm taking it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
threebyfate

We also were unable to have sex for over four months. How H. handled it was to express his desire but refusing my help.

 

In doing this, my respect level and desire for him ramped up to ridiculous heights. He hasn't stopped smiling since we received the doctor's go-ahead! :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not like the "one sided" feel of that either. So in these situations I give her lots of full body massages. If she feels like "playing" with me afterwards that is fine. If not, giving the massage makes me happy it makes my fingers tingle.

 

And the massages plus spooning keeps us feeling connected. Maybe this is a less than masculine response, but I feel closer to her after giving or getting a long massage followed by an hour of spooning than I do from getting a heart stopping bj.....

 

Luckily they are not mutually exclusive. :) :)

 

 

My wife has recently had surgery and won't be able to have intercourse for 6-8 weeks, maybe longer. While we've had the ups and downs one would expect in a 25-year marriage, she's always been a generous and giving lover. I couldn't count the number of sexual favors I've received in the last 3 decades.

 

She is vocal about wanting me to approach her on a regular basis during her recovery even though I can't satisfy her on those occasions. But I'm hung up on feeling guilty about what would be a selfish act considering the circumstances with additional apprehension as to whether she would be comfortable, in pain or discomfort, etc.

 

How do others handle similar situations? I'm trying to remember back to the last trimester of her preganancy with our youngest but we had sex pretty much right up to the end. Thanks for your input...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
We also were unable to have sex for over four months. How H. handled it was to express his desire but refusing my help.

Does that mean he wouldn't let you pleasure him for 4 months? I know my wife would feel completely rejected were that the case with us.

 

The nature of her surgery doesn't allow any stimulation for her so even non-penetrative sex play is out. I appreciate the great feedback on using this time to support her and nourish the emotional connection and that will be my focus. The rest (I'm hoping) will happen naturally and I'll let her lead the way. Thanks again...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
threebyfate
Does that mean he wouldn't let you pleasure him for 4 months? I know my wife would feel completely rejected were that the case with us.

 

The nature of her surgery doesn't allow any stimulation for her so even non-penetrative sex play is out. I appreciate the great feedback on using this time to support her and nourish the emotional connection and that will be my focus. The rest (I'm hoping) will happen naturally and I'll let her lead the way. Thanks again...

 

Mr. Lucky

I had placenta previa in the last trimester, so it would have solely been one way since I wasn't allowed to have orgasms of any kind. He's not big on one-way pleasure since he can do this on his own and was concerned about any kind of stimulation, since it might have caused the premature birth of our baby.

 

After birth, due to tearing, sex was off the table until I healed. At that point, he still wasn't big on one-way pleasure since I was exhausted, a bit frazzled and hurting.

 

He really took any guilt off the table but still expressed and showed desire, love and tenderness. It made such a difference to know that he put the baby and my needs before his own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It made such a difference to know that he put the baby and my needs before his own.

 

I can see from your post how important your husband's sacrifice was to you. And while I'm certainly not saying that I'm right and you're wrong, I can say that I'd have to suffer full body paralysis - tongue included - before I'd let my "healthy" partner go 4 months without sexual interaction. Different strokes for different folks...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
threebyfate

I sincerely regret sharing something meaningful to me, in order to try to potentially help you. Lesson learned and moving on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I sincerely regret sharing something meaningful to me, in order to try to potentially help you. Lesson learned and moving on.

 

You are not alone!

 

My H is 100% not interested in one-sided sexual play. In those cases (when arousal/orgasm was out), he took care of his own release while connecting with me through cuddle and non-sexual touch. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that approach, if it makes sense to both partners.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can say that I'd have to suffer full body paralysis - tongue included - before I'd let my "healthy" partner go 4 months without sexual interaction.

 

fantastic! But are you *sure* this is what she really wants? Or for you to show her that you love her more than you love the idea of sex? There's a huge difference you know.

 

thanks to health problems and a flagging libido, my husband rarely initiates lovemaking. I miss it, yes, but more often than not, I miss the intimacy that comes with it ... Bless his heart, the poor guy thinks that my wanting to cuddle and just be with him is automatically going to lead to my wanting to get it on, which is not true. I want the intimacy that comes with that kind of a close encounter. But he refuses to understand that, preferring to believe that he's right about what he thinks I feel, rather than honestly to listen to what I'm saying. And I'm wondering if this isn't you to a certain degree, Mr. Lucky.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I sincerely regret sharing something meaningful to me, in order to try to potentially help you. Lesson learned and moving on.

Certainly not me intention to discredit your input or come across as unappreciative regarding the information you've shared and I apologize if you felt I did so. I was simply stating that, were the roles reversed, this wouldn't work for me. Simply a difference of opinion, perhaps :) ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
But he refuses to understand that, preferring to believe that he's right about what he thinks I feel, rather than honestly to listen to what I'm saying. And I'm wondering if this isn't you to a certain degree, Mr. Lucky.

Certainly possible quankanne and the fear that this might be true is what led me to post here in the first place. And to put this in perspective, we've had "one-sided sex" one time in the 2 1/2 weeks that these restrictions have been in place. And that was at my wife's insistence...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife has recently had surgery and won't be able to have intercourse for 6-8 weeks, maybe longer. While we've had the ups and downs one would expect in a 25-year marriage, she's always been a generous and giving lover. I couldn't count the number of sexual favors I've received in the last 3 decades.

 

She is vocal about wanting me to approach her on a regular basis during her recovery even though I can't satisfy her on those occasions. But I'm hung up on feeling guilty about what would be a selfish act considering the circumstances with additional apprehension as to whether she would be comfortable, in pain or discomfort, etc.

 

How do others handle similar situations? I'm trying to remember back to the last trimester of her preganancy with our youngest but we had sex pretty much right up to the end. Thanks for your input...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I am wondering, are you still paying her for sex? :confused:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101884/

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am wondering, are you still paying her for sex? :confused:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101884/

 

 

LOL. I think this was a sex game/role playing ploy that he and his wife used to spice things up. I don't think she was refusing sex so he had to pay her to put out. lol

 

Mr. Lucky - in my LTR's, there have been times one of us couldn't, or didn't want to, have sex (because of physical reasons, not emotional). But, because we had a solid and stable history, and great communication, we would indulge each other, even if we weren't totally into it.

 

I think this is common, and it sounds like your wife has offered to pleasure you during her off time.

 

Let her, and then hold her and cuddle. YOU will get your release, and she will get the closeness and intimacy that she will appreciate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Nope, lasted about 6 months. She made a lot of money :eek::)...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Why did it stop? She didn't like the deal? Why didn't you re-negotiate the deal?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Not the subject of this thread. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss it further...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
Not the subject of this thread. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss it further...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just answer it and then we move on to the original topic. Okay. :) It's related anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just answer it and then we move on to the original topic. Okay. :) It's related anyway.

Thanks, but no...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

In your wife's situation, I would want to pleasure my hubby frequently. I would initiate this a few times a week but would also want him to approach me if he was in the mood. I would not want him to feel guilty about it...even if he could not reciprocate and pleasure me for medical reasons. I would also enjoy lots of cuddling, hand holding, shoulder rubs, etc. since I would be missing out on the sexual touching. That would help maintain the feeling of intimacy for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...