Jump to content

have 'checked out' of my marriage - how do I check back in?


Recommended Posts

blossom0123

Would appreciate anyone's advice:

 

I've completely checked out of my marriage emotionally - I don't want to spend time with my husband or be physical with him, and in a hypothetical world would like to walk out tomorrow. However, I can not accept that this is the way I feel, and would like to work on myself to become a better spouse and to 'check back in'. Has anyone done that successfully? What did you do? No children involved, married since 1994.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What exactly has he done to make you want out?

 

I hate to be blunt but chances are you probably can't check back in. Whatever resentment you have against him for whatever reason is probably here to stay.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

He hasn't 'done anything' - he is really a very good man, and I still love and care for him in the sense that I genuinely want him to be happy and have a good life. We have challenges (communication, being 'tuned in' to each other, physically - which is partially where the resentment comes from), but I guess that is normal in every relationship and something that you just have to work on. But I feel like something snapped and I don't know how to pick up the motivation to work on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have seen this story happen over and over again and chances are it won't come back. I hate to be a downer but once a woman gets in this mood it is usually over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

Hm, I see. Does that mean it happens more to women than men (genuine question!)? Do you have any thoughts on why?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hm, I see. Does that mean it happens more to women than men (genuine question!)? Do you have any thoughts on why?

 

Google walkaway wife. It happens to women much much more than it does to men. I don't know why but it happens and usually to good and faithful men.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you talked to him about this?

 

I might suggest MC to start and IC if needed. Don't make the mistake so many people do and fall into the arms of another.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

I just did....interesting. I had no idea.

 

But on the other hand, there are also people who work on their relationships and fix it, right? I get your point about being pessimistic (I am too!) - but I also feel there are a lot of stories out there along the lines of 'just when I thought it would not work any longer we did x y z and went through a really rough phase for more than one year and that was 15 years ago and now we are still happily married' - or something like that. Anyone here who's managed to turn it around and make it work?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

Yes, I have talked to him about it. He was crushed. We have given it at least a year to try. I have signed up for IC, on a waiting list. There was a brief EA but nothing P and NC now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic
Hm, I see. Does that mean it happens more to women than men (genuine question!)? Do you have any thoughts on why?

 

Usually the man is caught by surprise and has no idea what has happened.

 

Obviously context is needed. Married 16 years, together longer, no kids. Is there high pressure, successful careers? Do you have your own friends/hobbies/interests? Did you meet and marry at 20/25/30? What about your circle's of influence, ie. family & friends, are they at different points in life, with children, homes in the suburbs? Do you travel together or apart? Same interests and views????

 

Frankly I know it is sad to say, but as I said in the thread by desparate_man, very few people have 16+ year relationships, where there are not children involved, unless there are significant career aspirations.

 

Just a few questions, but also you mention resentment, which is a lot more then a "challenge". You say physical issues that you do not detail. Has he put on weight? Is sex a problem? Is he downright lazy when it comes to life?

 

All issues that need review.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BubbleFreak

I'm not married nor have I ever been, so I am certainly not an expert. But my immediate thoughts are, perhaps you need to start going out on dates with each other again. Have fun with each other. Fall in love all over again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

Jeess, I put my year of marriage wrong - married 2004, not 1994! God, guess that's a sign of my state...

 

We don't want children, that's always been mutual. I have always been adamant that I don't want children with anybody, so I think I am just an exception to the rule, rather than that being a sign of my (lack of) love for him. I am career oriented and spend a lot of (too much) time at work, more so these days as I am financially responsible for us (husband is pursuing graduate studies). We got married when I was nearly thirty so I considere it a fairly mature choice, although it happened too fast (for family reasons). I guess one of the problems I am experiencing is that we have less and less in common, and less and less to talk about - it is rare that I feel stimulated by our conversations (which I am sure has as much to do with my attitude than with him). I feel like I know what he's going to say before he says it. He feels I never responds to his humour or get engaged in his stories. Physically, it's been bad since we started - I don't care too much about sex (which is part of the problem of course) so personally that is not a reason why I want to go, I've always been thinking that you can't get 'everything' right with someone and it's more important to me to have emotional and intellectual connectedness than a good sex life.

 

Yes, I think the date suggestion is good and actually I can think about a lot of things that I could do to make things better - practically - like going on dates, inviting him to do whatever, make a romantic dinner etc etc. - the problem is that I don't want to and don't have the motivation to try - and THAT is the real problem, which I don't know how to fix. If I get that back, then I can think of lots of things that I could do to work on this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Jeess, I put my year of marriage wrong - married 2004, not 1994! God, guess that's a sign of my state...

 

We don't want children, that's always been mutual. I have always been adamant that I don't want children with anybody, so I think I am just an exception to the rule, rather than that being a sign of my (lack of) love for him. I am career oriented and spend a lot of (too much) time at work, more so these days as I am financially responsible for us (husband is pursuing graduate studies). We got married when I was nearly thirty so I considere it a fairly mature choice, although it happened too fast (for family reasons). I guess one of the problems I am experiencing is that we have less and less in common, and less and less to talk about - it is rare that I feel stimulated by our conversations (which I am sure has as much to do with my attitude than with him). I feel like I know what he's going to say before he says it. He feels I never responds to his humour or get engaged in his stories. Physically, it's been bad since we started - I don't care too much about sex (which is part of the problem of course) so personally that is not a reason why I want to go, I've always been thinking that you can't get 'everything' right with someone and it's more important to me to have emotional and intellectual connectedness than a good sex life.

 

Yes, I think the date suggestion is good and actually I can think about a lot of things that I could do to make things better - practically - like going on dates, inviting him to do whatever, make a romantic dinner etc etc. - the problem is that I don't want to and don't have the motivation to try - and THAT is the real problem, which I don't know how to fix. If I get that back, then I can think of lots of things that I could do to work on this.

 

It sounds like you've stopped appreciating him as a partner. You need to tune in to the things that this relationship adds to your life: companionship, a teammate, acceptance, kindness, care, etc. These may not be the most exciting things, but they are valuable. Thinking longterm (aging, possible illness, good times and bad), these are arguably the MOST valuable traits in a partner :love:

 

I'm deeply in love with my H. But guess what? He's not my favorite conversationalist :o. Not by a longshot! And, yes, conversation (and debate--he hates debate) is very important to me. So, I have conversations with my coworkers, friends, with my older kid, and places like Loveshack ;).

 

A partner is just that: a partner. A partner is not meant to be all things at all times. Your romantic needs should be exclusively met my each other, but your other needs may need to be met elsewhere. And that's healthy and good!

Link to post
Share on other sites
BubbleFreak

the problem is that I don't want to and don't have the motivation to try - and THAT is the real problem, which I don't know how to fix..

 

You're being very hard on yourself. Share some of that responsibility with your partner. If you have no motivation to "fix" this problem, his part could be trying to "win" you back over...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123
It sounds like you've stopped appreciating him as a partner. You need to tune in to the things that this relationship adds to your life: companionship, a teammate, acceptance, kindness, care, etc. These may not be the most exciting things, but they are valuable. Thinking longterm (aging, possible illness, good times and bad), these are arguably the MOST valuable traits in a partner :love:

 

A partner is just that: a partner. A partner is not meant to be all things at all times. Your romantic needs should be exclusively met my each other, but your other needs may need to be met elsewhere. And that's healthy and good!

 

----------------

 

You are right, I have - ande this is good advice, I need to focus in on the valuable aspects. They are there, I know! So I will try.... That is what I was thinking during the first few years, that whatever was 'missing' from our relation I could find from friends, colleagues, etc. But I needed this reminder now.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's great to get input from everyone!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123
You're being very hard on yourself. Share some of that responsibility with your partner. If you have no motivation to "fix" this problem, his part could be trying to "win" you back over...

 

Thanks for this, you are right - and he will go with me on that, he is willing to do a lot to make this work. I think I am trying to find a way to be more constructive about it myself first, because at the moment I don't know what I could reasonably ask of him to make this better (it's like, when he says, 'what can I do to make this better', I just get a really lame and resigned feeling of 'I don't know'... so I feel I need to straighten myself out a bit first, so I can play a more constructive part in this... or something like that - sorry maybe this sounds confused, but that's because I AM confused...).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic

and that goes beyond sports or other male topics.....:D;) Exactly what does being a good conversationalist have to do with a spouse, especially after many years together??? No one take this as there is no need to talk, but what do you expect to talk about, politics, current affairs, art and then to be mesmerized and stimulated?????

 

The OP has a real problem. Sorry when I hear that sex doesn't matter (or she doesn't care about it), that is a red flag. So then she add that she married for a variety of reasons, and not sure I saw love (and I don't mean sappy/corny crap).....

 

Add to that it was a very short courtship, she is supporting him in his mid-30's as he pursues a graduate degree, she (nor he) wants children, these are a toxic recipe and I see a lot of work required to repair whatever has gone wrong.

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

[sorry about multiple postings, didn't know how to divide up the quotes from toodamnpragmatis'c posts]

 

"Exactly what does being a good conversationalist have to do with a spouse, especially after many years together??? No one take this as there is no need to talk, but what do you expect to talk about, politics, current affairs, art and then to be mesmerized and stimulated?????"

 

Point taken, too - as I said in the post above, I guess I am focussing on the wrong issues here - so this online conversation is good, as it is making me re-think.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123

"The OP has a real problem. Sorry when I hear that sex doesn't matter (or she doesn't care about it), that is a red flag. So then she add that she married for a variety of reasons, and not sure I saw love (and I don't mean sappy/corny crap)....."

 

 

 

 

I don't know what 'OP' means, but I'm guessing it's me? Yes, I do have a real problem which is why I'm trying to get some help :-) - but just to clarify: My point about the physical intimacy was that I think it is unrealistic to 'have it all' in one person, so then personally I would much rather compromise on a fulfilling sex life than other aspects of a relationship (e.g. being emotionally supportive to each other, tolerance, sharing certain values, etc.). I was very much in love when we married (possibly seeing everything too much with 'pink' eyes), and although I don't feel that way now, I also think that's 'normal' in the sense that long term relationships can never be built on that feeling of 'being in love', but a more profound level of love that you constantly have to work on and re-create (which of course is what I am not doing at the moment).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123
Add to that it was a very short courtship, she is supporting him in his mid-30's as he pursues a graduate degree, she (nor he) wants children, these are a toxic recipe and I see a lot of work required to repair whatever has gone wrong.

 

This bit I don't really understand - what's wrong with supporting him and him studying?... because that bit I don't have a problem with at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic

No sex is not the be all and end all and just one aspect of a relationship..... But frankly if there are no children, no prospects to have them, you are supporting him, then I wonder what you expect or want out of a marriage that is different from what you get from friends/family.....

 

Physical & emotional intimacy is intertwined imo.......

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
blossom0123
No sex is not the be all and end all and just one aspect of a relationship..... But frankly if there are no children, no prospects to have them, you are supporting him, then I wonder what you expect or want out of a marriage that is different from what you get from friends/family.....

 

Physical & emotional intimacy is intertwined imo.......

 

Thanks, I see. Good question for thinking, what do I want out of marriage? For a long time I thought I wouldn't marry at all. I guess the reason why I decided to in the end (this was before I actually married, but discussing the issue with myself) was to have someone to go through life with, someone to love and be loved by, someone to have mutual support and affection with, someone with whom you can be yourself and who accepts you on the bad days as well as the good ones. I have never looked for being financially supported in a marriage.

Agree, they are interwined and build up each other - I see that point.

Link to post
Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me

The feelings you are having are normal and natural... You are one of the lucky one's in that you seem to have realized that with hard work and effort, you can come back from this marital low...

 

Personally, I think you can experience new highs that have not been explored in your marriage. Where... physical and emotional connections much stronger than you have experienced. I was literally shocked to read that you have never had a good sexual relationship with your husband.

 

The basis for a positive healthy marriage is of course love, caring, respect, etc, etc... but even with those things in perfect harmony, the peak of marital bliss is when best friends move towards passionate lovers... all of the other positives remain intact and sexual desire and connection form a very strong bond.

 

I am going to recommend some great books for you as a couple:

 

101 nights of great romance - helps to focus on love and desire and connection by making both of you work on it. The author, Laura Corn has some great books for couples.

http://www.amazon.com/101-Nights-Grrreat-Romance-Seductions/dp/0962962821

 

And also Michelle Weiner-Davis, all of her books are great, she has a website. I have personally handed her book to a couple on the verge of divorce and they have worked it out, at least partly with help from her book:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

 

Good Luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have a look at this:

 

http://thelovedarebook.com/

 

While you don't have to follow it chapter and verse there are some very nice ideas on some days regarding romantic gestures that can be done either seperately or together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...