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Cheat or leave? (Little faith in 'working on it'.)


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I don't know what to do.

I'm 37, male, married 7 years, together 10. We have one daughter under 2, and she has a disability.

I've fallen in love a couple of times since I've been married, but never acted on it. I know what falling in love is -know it doesn't last. But I still want that feeling. I'm in love with a co-worker at the moment and have been sustained in recent months by the thought of an A. Earlier this year, I chickened out when the co-worker put it to me.

I discussed ALL this with my wife and we are about to start MC.

My sex life with my wife has never been good. I've never felt satisfied by it -I'm very passionate, and she is matter-of-fact and detached. I don't think I can do without this feeling too much longer. Feel like my body and soul is drying up.

I stuck with my W because I love her and she makes me laugh so much. The problem is that I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore, and I doubt if therapy will help. The sex is like a disappointing and depressing experience even when it's physically OK ..

I feel that a stronger person than me would be able to have his needs met elsewhere. I feel disappointed in myself that I chickened out on the A. That sounds crazy, but it's true.

So here is my question. Is it really better to leave a functioning but imperfect marriage? (And I know my daughter's disability colors things even further -I feel like it's be more wrong of me to leave in these circumstances.) Should I really just check out if I feel my needs are not being met? I don't want to cheat, but I feel like it's my only option. But everybody says 'leave -don't cheat -it's the only honest thing to do and will save on a whole lot of heartbreak'

But ultimately, I guess I don't believe in monogamy. I feel I've reached a point in my life when I need something else. I feel it's human nature. I don't even mind if my wife has an A too - with a man or a woman - I have suspected for a long time my wife might be gay and that this is behind her detachment, but she denies this.

I'm not afraid of ending up alone. I like being alone, and I don't enjoy family life. I was happiest when I was single. Then again, I hate the idea of abandoning the people I love.

So -is it better to leave? Would they be better without me?

Edited by Redsox
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Sad and hurt

you leave!!! you never cheat! period. it doesn't matter if you care that she has an A too, what matters is how it will make your wife and child feel when they find out.

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Don't cheat. How could dishonesty about something so vital to the relationship be the right choice?

 

If you really can't stand to be the person leaving, be honest with your wife about your needs. Tell her you'd like to open the marriage, so that you can have your needs met and keep the family intact. Be prepared for her to choose leaving you over accepting an open marriage. But at least she will have the benefit of knowledge, and control over her own life path.

 

I really hope you will give marriage counseling a shot before making any decisions. Good luck!

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kevinconner

Try to find a woman who is in the exact situation as you are. And then cheat with her like it is your job. I could have written your post ( only difference is no disability at home).

 

Do not cheat with:

 

- Annoying club chicks

- Anyone much younger than you

- Anyone with little in common

- Anyone at work, or near your house.

 

Also read the book, "Too bad to stay and too good to leave" More than likely it is too good to leave, you just can't see it yet until you have a good affair or two under your belt.

 

Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband. If you could somehow explain to her that you do not belive in Monogamy ( neither do I ) then its an even bigger bonus....but good luck getting that one across the table as most are not wired like that.

 

There is no person, not on this planet, who can be all things, at all times for one person. Your Emotional Affiar partners have been filling what has been missing all along.

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Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband.

 

This is NOT win-win. She probably doesn't even WANT her husband under those circumstances, so "gets to keep her [lying, cheating] husband" isn't such a win.

 

If it were win-win, you wouldn't have to be deceitful. Your wife would also value keeping the family intact over monogamy, and would go into the situation with full knowledge of the risks. If you have promised your wives monogamy, they deserve to know when you decide to be non-monogamous.

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Mme. Chaucer

In my opinion, it's irresponsible for a person who does not believe in monogamy to commit to a monogamous relationship. What is up with that?

 

 

OP, the frequency and casualness with which you "fall in love" makes me doubt whether you have experienced love.

 

Your daughter - you don't dwell on her role in your marriage much, but I wonder how much her special needs are depleting your wife's energy and the intimate bond between you. A two year old without any special needs can do this.

 

Anyway, all that bologna about being somehow "weak" because you haven't had an affair is quite bogus. Leave, or arrange an "open" marriage. Or, see if you and your wife can do something to fix the problems between you.

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If you cheat you WILL regret it.

 

You will forever be a man who cheated on his wife and that guilt will follow you to every new relationship you have from now on.

 

You WILL end up telling your wife or she will find out on her own, you will not be able to keep it a secret. Even if she finds out after the divorce it will destroy her trust in men for years to come.

 

It will absolutely SHATTER the mother of your child.

 

My wife cheated on me.

 

You came here to learn. SO LEARN.

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So you want permission to get laid?

 

Might I recommend a Playboy mag & some private time??

 

I have been in a loveless relationship for 8 yrs & I'm still faithful.

I thought it about cheating recently and realized that I just can't do that to him.

I might be a bit *broken* right now so maybe I'm not the best resource on this...

 

But really just leave or learn to deal with it.

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LucreziaBorgia
I discussed ALL this with my wife and we are about to start MC.

 

That is a good first step. Be sure to be as open with your counselor as well. It may well be that you and your wife simply don't have what you need between the two of you emotionally to keep a marriage afloat. Your wife may be as miserable as you are, and you and she may end up agreeing to go your separate ways as H and W, while maintaining your father and mother roles.

 

Now is not the time to get involved with someone else. Resolve your issues with your wife first - whether it lead to reconciliation or divorce. MC won't help you much either way if there is an OW thrown in there to skew things.

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Don't cheat OP, you will FOREVER regret it. I cheated on my ex bf and although he was a habitual liar and cheater himself, I still regret that I sunk to his level. The only thing that I did that was right in that situation was telling him the truth about what happened the very next day after it happened, giving him a chance to stay or leave. But still even then it's not worth it. So work it out or leave her.

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Thanks everyone for your replies.

11 replies, 11 completely different perspectives -all valuable.

Thanks again.

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You say you've told your wife how you feel, but you did not include her reaction beyond MC. Did you discuss the possibility of having an open relationship? If so, what was her reaction?

 

It is more effort than I see people often make, but some divorced parents are still fabulous with their kids and if you handle things above board and the relationship ends, you having not cheated on your way out will go a long way towards keeping a good relationship with your wife after the divorce you are sure you will end up having. If there isn't any resentments, it will help the both of you stay partners in at least parenting your child. Having an affair could ruin that.

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jloranestes

It sounds like you and your wife communicate well, and going to MC may help. Your frank honesty in your post tells me that you think you only have two options. There's a third.

 

Every couple has to decide their own comfort zone. To put it more bluntly- it's not cheating if she says it's ok. I'm not saying she will, and things definatly have to be fair. Having and extramarital affair is not the same as cheating- but it takes strong communication skills, honesty and being open and respectful.

 

Talk to your wife about your thoughts- see how she responds. Be clear that you love her and respect her and want to stay married to be with her as well as your daughter. Yet, there is this problem and you would like to know how the two of you can work together to resolve it - isn't that what any good marriage is about?

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Mme. Chaucer
Try to find a woman who is in the exact situation as you are. And then cheat with her like it is your job. I could have written your post ( only difference is no disability at home).

 

 

 

 

Also read the book, "Too bad to stay and too good to leave" More than likely it is too good to leave, you just can't see it yet until you have a good affair or two under your belt.

 

Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband. If you could somehow explain to her that you do not belive in Monogamy ( neither do I ) then its an even bigger bonus....but good luck getting that one across the table as most are not wired like that.

 

There is no person, not on this planet, who can be all things, at all times for one person. Your Emotional Affiar partners have been filling what has been missing all along.

 

I'm so baffled as to why a person who thinks this way would be in a marriage. Can you explain it?

 

Also, maybe it's just me, but an expression like "a good affair or two under your belt" is really offensive.

 

You are having an affair with a human being. I have known many people who have had affairs. In the majority of cases, one of the parties involved is hoping for more than to be another notch on the bedpost, or whatever. Emotional involvement happens in affairs a LOT.

 

Why USE other people to validate your own life?

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You say you've told your wife how you feel, but you did not include her reaction beyond MC. Did you discuss the possibility of having an open relationship? If so, what was her reaction?

 

Yes we discussed and she said she could not deal with an open relationship. But she also admits she needs to deal with her sexuality. I have no clue what will come of that. Even if we split up, I'm now real glad I did not cheat. We are in a period of major transition and I am confident we can resolve things. I have promised that we are in this together and I will not go behind her back. Thank you everyone.

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Even if we split up, I'm now real glad I did not cheat. We are in a period of major transition and I am confident we can resolve things. I have promised that we are in this together and I will not go behind her back. Thank you everyone.

 

Great update! Wishing the best for your little family :love:

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Yes we discussed and she said she could not deal with an open relationship. But she also admits she needs to deal with her sexuality. I have no clue what will come of that. Even if we split up, I'm now real glad I did not cheat. We are in a period of major transition and I am confident we can resolve things. I have promised that we are in this together and I will not go behind her back. Thank you everyone.

 

you have cheated. you stated that you've been in love with others throughout your M. that's cheating your W of the love that should be directed towards her.

 

how could your W feel your love and affections if your emotional energy and thoughts are constantly not soley directed toward her? she can't.

 

you have a set up that is purposely self destructive to the well being of your M.

 

how could your W feel loved when you send that to another woman? how could she feel safe and protected when you don't give her any energy that says that you do/will?

 

the role she plays is a direct result of what you DON'T give to her... are YOU willing to change that? if not, divorce her so she can find someone who is willing to give her all the things expected in a safe, happy, loving marriage. to do anything less than that is short changing her level of happiness.

 

if YOU aren't willing to change - nothing will change.

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Married_and_Lonely

Many would say I too have reasons to have an affair. I'm 31 and live basically a sexless life because my wife doesn't like it. I've been told by a couple friends that it's no big deal to have an affair and that everyone does it, but IT IS a big deal and just because lots of people make a mistake doesn't mean we have to.

 

If you cheat, you'll always know in your heart you're a cheater. If you value the institution of marriage and the meaning of commitment (which I'm not sure you do), that will haunt you forever. It will be baggage you'll always carry with you into future relationships. Being in a bad marriage is stressful enough, I know. If you cheat on your wife and have an affair, that stress is multiplied many times over. I wouldn't be able to look my wife in the eye or at myself in the mirror. It's really not worth it. How many times do you see people say, "I had an affair, and that was the best thing I ever did?" Virtually none of them; most say it ruined their life.

 

Try to work things out and leave if you must, but don't make this tough situation even worse and permenantly scar your integrity.

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RedSox. I think you have many issues to work thru.

 

Have you ever considered the fact that you and your wife might have problems with intimacy because your child together with disabilities was the end result? This is a normal human reaction no matter hom much you love your child.

 

Then you say you have been in love many times with other women. Probably more like been in lust. Decide wether you truly love your wife and if you do not then respect her and let her go.

 

You'd better damn well take care of your responsibility though.

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Have you ever considered the fact that you and your wife might have problems with intimacy because your child together with disabilities was the end result?

 

We had intimacy difficulties from the very start of the relationship.

 

Then you say you have been in love many times with other women. Decide wether you truly love your wife and if you do not then respect her and let her go.

 

You'd better damn well take care of your responsibility though.

 

Fell in love twice in ten years. You know -heart pounding, can't stop thinking about her, love just being in her company, dynamite conversation. We are animals, and this is an important part of our animal life. Twice in ten years is not 'many women'.

If I was not concerned about my responsibilities I would simply leave the marriage and go back to being happily single. I do not consider seeing our daughter once a week and keeping up with financial payments 'looking after my responsibilities'. Which is why I'm looking for an alternative lifestyle.

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Then leave. I hate it when someone admits they are unhappily married, and wants to leave, has fallen in love with other people twice since married, doesn't want to have sex with his wife, etc, etc., etc. Then find the balls to tell your wife how you feel and make arrangements to divorce. Who knows you wife probably doesn't want you either. She is probably waiting for someone to send her "thighs high to the sky" and fantasizes about it all the time. Tell her what you have told us and start proceedings. Get a second job to help you support your daughter.

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There is a huge difference between cheating, which is done in secret, and nonmonogamy, which is by mutual consent. I work in family law, and can tell you nonmonogamous couples are more common than people realize. Partners who are sexually incompatible often have a lot of affection for each other nonetheless, and would rather come to an unorthodox agreement than divorce.

 

Divorce is pure hell. People who fear divorce usually worry about getting a bad judgement. That can certainly happen. But they don't realize that it is the process, as much as they outcome, that they need to fear. Even relatively amicable divorces can ruin families financially and create bad blood that can last a lifetime.

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stillafool wrote: Then leave. I hate it when someone admits they are unhappily married, and wants to leave, has fallen in love with other people twice since married, doesn't want to have sex with his wife, etc, etc., etc. Then find the balls to tell your wife how you feel and make arrangements to divorce.

 

I have already found the balls to tell her how I feel. I’ve told her all of this, and she does not want me to leave. We have an excellent relationship apart from sex.

 

Who knows you wife probably doesn't want you either. She is probably waiting for someone to send her "thighs high to the sky" and fantasizes about it all the time. Tell her what you have told us and start proceedings.

My wife was completely sexually dysfunctional when I met her. She had never masturbated and had never even experienced an orgasm. She was thirty years old before she had an orgasm.

 

Get a second job to help you support your daughter.

My daughter needs more than money. She has a disability and may never live independently. She needs time and love. She needs routine.

 

My wife has a very well paid job. She says that in the event of a divorce, she could return some money I gave her so I could buy an apartment. (I told her I didn’t need or want the money back.) We really have a loving marriage despite our sexual problems.

Edited by Redsox
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My daughter needs more than money. She has a disability and may never live independently. She needs time and love. She needs routine.

 

She can still have routine, time and love without your being in the house. You obviously wouldn't leave your child.

 

My wife has a very well paid job. She says that in the event of a divorce, she could return some money I gave her so I could buy an apartment. (I told her I didn’t need or want the money back.)

 

Good, so money is not a problem. That makes it easier.

 

We really have a loving marriage despite our sexual problems.

 

Hmmmm, this doesn't jive with "I have fallen in love with other people "twice" since we have been married." You have already cheated on your wife emotionally. If it is that easy for you to fall in love with others you don't need to be married to this woman. Let her go so she can find the man she is meant to be with also.

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