Jump to content

sex & marriage: a wife's view


Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I've been reading lots of these threads about lack of interest on the part of a wife to have relations with her husband. I wanted to give my perspective and am hoping that others will share theirs.

 

To make a long description of my marriage as short as possible, I love my husband more today than the day I married him. We have been together about 11 years, married about 8 of those years. We do occasionally get on each other's nerves or have a spat, but what couple doesn't once in a while? Generally speaking, I'm wild about that man.

 

Do I have sexual feelings for him? Not like I did when we were first dating - not by a long shot. How is it that I can be wild about him yet have dwindling sexual feelings toward him? Sex does not in any way affect the love and respect I have for him. Not one bit either way. They exist in completely different realms of my being. In the context of marriage, sex is more of a physiological release. It means very little to me in terms of how I feel about my husband. I don't get the impression from my husband that he has the same experience. He seems to feel much closer to me afterwards. It fills a need in him that it DOES NOT fill in me.

 

When I read someone's comment in a thread that desire, in her experience, shrivels like a prune (?) I thought to myself; "There it is - the harsh reality." I have come to think that, via my experience and those of my friends, that women's sexual interest in her mate might just die on the vine. It's certainly not my husband's fault. It's not that there are any of the typical causes blamed on the lack of intimacy. There seems to be little hope of "fixing" the problem.

 

It's made me really sad to write this, but it's true.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You could view all sexual relationships like this...from a male or female perspective I guess, but why would you want to generalise? Whats your question exactly

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you talk about sex with him? Are there any unfulfilled fantasies between you? Fantasies change over time.

 

Have you considered that maybe the reason you aren't interested in sex with him is that it is too easy for you? Women want what they can't have. Maybe you need to be teased a bit, or even denied sex for a while--as a way to increase desire.

 

Maybe he isn't displaying the right, confident, he-man traits that attract you on a base level? Is he complacent?

Link to post
Share on other sites

BTW Plums are dried up prunes, and they grow on trees...grapes grow on vines...when they are dried they are raisins.

 

Also, prunes and raisins are quite tasty...no need to fear dehydrated fruit at all..its very good for the constitution so I hear

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yikes.

 

I hope my wife never gets to that point.

 

She wants it more than I do most weeks. 2-3 times for me. 3-5 for her would be the right number. If she senses I've had a rough week, she's not shy to take care of herself (with some attention from me) then we cuddle up and fall asleep.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should read the book "Mating in Captivity". It is excellent for laying out and discussing the issues in long term relationships. For example, she says, "Love enjoys knowing everything about you. Desire needs mystery. Love is about HAVING. Desire is about WANTING. As couples settle into the comforts of love, they case to fan the flame of desire. They forget that FIRE needs AIR."...

 

It is not just women who lose desire. Many guys want variety. That is well discussed on LS. As one guy said, "for every beautiful woman, there is a guy tired of having sex with her." Maintaining sexual desire in a relationship that becomes cozy and domestic requires constant attention and imagination.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

It is not just women who lose desire. Many guys want variety. That is well discussed on LS. As one guy said, "for every beautiful woman, there is a guy tired of having sex with her." Maintaining sexual desire in a relationship that becomes cozy and domestic requires constant attention and imagination.

 

I think women really want variety too but it isn't socially acceptable to admit that.

 

Obviously the tired of the other works both ways and even more so with women as noted on LS there are plenty of women who are tired of having sex with their husbands

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ya, no point in generalizing - it is simply wrong.

 

I have been with my BF for 6 years and although the chemistry between us has gone through various stages - wanting the physical contact (and sex) is an inseparable part of my feelings for him.

 

Of course things become monotonous with time and possibly people were not meant to be monogamous, but I think there are things to do about it if you really love each other...

 

IMO anyone who says they have no desire whatsoever for their partner, either has a health related problem, or simply refuses to see the romantic relationship is over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That "never get married" statement is a bit extreme... But keeping a dead relationship going just because what the friends and neighbors might say - is a mental and emotional jail (in my opinion).

 

I would just change the standard (IMO obsolete) wedding vows from "For as long as we both shall live" to something more like "For as long as we both so wish..."

 

For as long as you love each other enough, you work on your problems together - but when circumstances and feelings change (which we can not always control) would you really sacrifice what's left of your one life-time here to pretend you're giving content to an empty promise...?

 

I have seen too many relationships where the partners were more enemies than allies - I do not consider those real relationships - sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic

All it is is more and more depressing. You want a lousy marriage and sex life???? You are the one responsible for it. I know mine isn't perfect, but listening to the women predominantly on here so negative about sex and their withering sex live's with their spouses makes me livid. They just don't care and don't want to reignite the spark or enjoy sex. The men who come here and like dolts scratch their heads in confusion and all claim their spouses have orgasms, enjoy sex and can't understand why it happens so seldom.

 

The women who have trouble with males, it is always men with issues, drugs, porn, alcohol.... And the men, like idiots all claim their wives are perfect (outside if issues, ones that are traced right back to their childhood, parents and upbringing)

 

If you want a lousy marriage and sex life, very simple... Don't try.... And guess what, from what I read here on LS it is usually the woman who does not want to put in the effort......

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

I'm glad this was posted. This is by and large how a good deal of women feel in long term relationships. Sorry, but for a lot of women the sexual urge just goes 'bye bye' for them, without having any effect on the emotional part. No medical reason, no medication reason, just plain old hormone surges in the beginning of a relationship followed by a bottoming out over time. It sucks, but it happens. So few women will readily admit it though, and that is why you see so many men coming on here mystified about it.

 

The way I see it, love and marriage is give and take. If a husband does for his wife in a certain way out of love, then the wife should do for the husband in a certain way out of love. Don't want sex? Not attracted? I can understand that, but would it really kill you to go out, get a 'great sex' book, some lube and spend a half hour or so a couple of times a week showing your husband some good sex and not just a 'dead fish can-you-just-make-it-fast' sort of thing? Do it because you love your husband, not because it is an obligation. Nothing is a turn off like lame obligational sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BTW Plums are dried up prunes, and they grow on trees...grapes grow on vines...when they are dried they are raisins.

 

Also, prunes and raisins are quite tasty...no need to fear dehydrated fruit at all..its very good for the constitution so I hear

 

 

I actually think dried apricots are quite nice too.

 

I also love those chocolate covered Bing cherries, but I guess that's more like a candy than it is a fruit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Does it make you feel good to have sex with him because it makes HIM happy.

 

Do you sometimes do it to avoid making him unhappy?

 

 

 

Hi,

 

I've been reading lots of these threads about lack of interest on the part of a wife to have relations with her husband. I wanted to give my perspective and am hoping that others will share theirs.

 

To make a long description of my marriage as short as possible, I love my husband more today than the day I married him. We have been together about 11 years, married about 8 of those years. We do occasionally get on each other's nerves or have a spat, but what couple doesn't once in a while? Generally speaking, I'm wild about that man.

 

Do I have sexual feelings for him? Not like I did when we were first dating - not by a long shot. How is it that I can be wild about him yet have dwindling sexual feelings toward him? Sex does not in any way affect the love and respect I have for him. Not one bit either way. They exist in completely different realms of my being. In the context of marriage, sex is more of a physiological release. It means very little to me in terms of how I feel about my husband. I don't get the impression from my husband that he has the same experience. He seems to feel much closer to me afterwards. It fills a need in him that it DOES NOT fill in me.

 

When I read someone's comment in a thread that desire, in her experience, shrivels like a prune (?) I thought to myself; "There it is - the harsh reality." I have come to think that, via my experience and those of my friends, that women's sexual interest in her mate might just die on the vine. It's certainly not my husband's fault. It's not that there are any of the typical causes blamed on the lack of intimacy. There seems to be little hope of "fixing" the problem.

 

It's made me really sad to write this, but it's true.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi,

 

I've been reading lots of these threads about lack of interest on the part of a wife to have relations with her husband. I wanted to give my perspective and am hoping that others will share theirs.

 

...Drum roll please....we are here under the "Big Top" to watch a death defying feat spectacular in nature....

 

 

To make a long description of my marriage as short as possible, I love my husband more today than the day I married him. We have been together about 11 years, married about 8 of those years. We do occasionally get on each other's nerves or have a spat, but what couple doesn't once in a while? Generally speaking, I'm wild about that man.

 

...the human cannon ball is now climbing into the cannon....

 

 

Do I have sexual feelings for him? Not like I did when we were first dating - not by a long shot.

 

...the cannon is fired...AND the human cannonball completely misses the net, flying straight into the hippo's mouth, and is swallowed! Remarkable isn't it folks?

 

LOL, I just hate to say it OP, but this is just so typical of the way many women think. "I'm more madly in love than ever for my husband...BUT...I don't like to have sex with him anymore!"

 

C'mon now.

 

I'm already guessing that you have a "boyfriend" or are at least thinking about it.

 

Rather than say, "Gee whiz, my marriage has a serious problem. The spark has faded and sex is dull. What can I do to help renew my marriage?"

 

No everything is "just fine and dandy." You "love your husband." You're not at fault here. But the spark is gone. I.e. you're "not in love with him" anymore. (Did I guess right?) And it's really his fault because "he's" not making you feel that "in love" feeling anymore.

(Cue the boyfriend.)

 

How is it that I can be wild about him yet have dwindling sexual feelings toward him?

 

Simple, you can't. The above statement is internally self-contradictory. If you were wild about him your sexual feelings wouldn't be dwindling.

 

In reality most likely you have already set your sights on a boyfriend/affair partner if not actually engaging in an affair already, and are in the process of rewriting your marital history to justify it.

 

Sex does not in any way affect the love and respect I have for him. Not one bit either way. They exist in completely different realms of my being.

 

This I'm afraid is utter nonsense, unless of course you are going to claim to have a "split self" thus justifying you in having a "split self" affair. Your "being" does NOT have "different realms." There is after all, only one of you, right? You're not the Doublemint Twins are you?

 

 

In the context of marriage, sex is more of a physiological release. It means very little to me in terms of how I feel about my husband. I don't get the impression from my husband that he has the same experience. He seems to feel much closer to me afterwards. It fills a need in him that it DOES NOT fill in me.

 

OK it's obvious you're having an affair already, maybe not physical, but certainly emotional; or certainly at least thinking about it.

 

Hopefully it's not one of your husband's best friends or his brother or something like that.

 

Is it your boss or someone else you met at work?

 

When I read someone's comment in a thread that desire, in her experience, shrivels like a prune (?) I thought to myself; "There it is - the harsh reality." I have come to think that, via my experience and those of my friends, that women's sexual interest in her mate might just die on the vine. It's certainly not my husband's fault. It's not that there are any of the typical causes blamed on the lack of intimacy. There seems to be little hope of "fixing" the problem.

 

It's made me really sad to write this, but it's true.

 

Sorry honey but you don't have my permission to cheat on your husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I actually think dried apricots are quite nice too.

 

I also love those chocolate covered Bing cherries, but I guess that's more like a candy than it is a fruit.

 

Nah chocolate covered cherries definitely count towards your 5 a day...so fruit it is.

 

Seriously, desire is something that's hard to drum up when you see the person every day, in unauspicious circumstances, like picking spinach out of their teeth or worse.

 

The way I look at it is, it's up to you to keep finding ways of keeping eachother interested. For a man to keep a woman interested, sad to say, but jealousy works a treat. For women, the threat of competition does sharpen the mind.

 

I'm not talking cheating here....just a little harmless flirting - evil but effective

Link to post
Share on other sites

i often think a wife's sex drive goes down because she isnt getting railed properly ...

 

seriously, if your husband was making you shake on his stick good and proper, how could any logic explain a lack of desire for a repeat performance?

 

it is a waste of your youth and energy to deny your body the pleasure of sex with your partner. eventually, you will be of an age where it may not be physically possible and you wont ever get your youth back.

 

live life, stop denying yourself.

 

the other thing i often think is that it is shear LAZINESS to not have a full sex life. yes, its a lot of work to get yourself and your partner off and keep the spark. yawn, better to watch TV instead?

Link to post
Share on other sites
i often think a wife's sex drive goes down because she isnt getting railed properly ...

 

seriously, if your husband was making you shake on his stick good and proper, how could any logic explain a lack of desire for a repeat performance?

 

it is a waste of your youth and energy to deny your body the pleasure of sex with your partner. eventually, you will be of an age where it may not be physically possible and you wont ever get your youth back.

 

live life, stop denying yourself.

 

the other think i often think is that it is shear LAZINESS to not have a full sex life. yes, its a lot of work to get yourself and your partner off and keep the spark. yawn, better to watch TV instead?

 

 

If you read the original post carefully, you'll see that nowhere does she say she lacks sexual desire, nor that sexual desire is not associated with love for her...what she actually says, and she is very careful about her choice of words, is that she no longer associates sex with love in the context of her marriage.

 

She's talking about being split into two realms of personality. Obviously what she's driving at is that she's having an affair, or contemplating one, and her "sexual self" is expressed with her affair partner.

 

But that's O.K. because she loves her husband, she's crazy about him, etc.

 

She's just not "in love" with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First post here :bunny:

 

Pole_cat, who or what does turn you on? Certain celebrities, sexy coworker, erotica?

 

Indulge that turn on (in fantasy), and bring that energy to your sex life with your husband.

 

If you are genuinely not turned on by anything/anyone, that is something to address with a dr. Please don't blame that on marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just for the record, this is not the case for ALL women. I have noticed a propensity for individuals to speak for their entire gender here on these fora.

 

I am over 50.

For me, sexual desire and love are inextricably entwined. They always have been. Long term love must include passion.

 

I know how to keep that fire burning. In my relationship, I think it's more likely that my mate will lose interest in sex in general than I ever would - not because he craves more variety or anything like that; just that his libido is waning with age. Of course I am on guard against this happening! I do love him and I LOVE having sex with him. At our ages, I want to cherish this as long as possible! I'm not sure how long we'll be able to enjoy this part of life ... or how long we'll be here to enjoy life in general!

 

On the other hand, when it's gone ... it's gone. In my personal experience with my former husband, when the trust was broken in our relationship, I soon couldn't bear to have physical contact with him. And, we parted.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is so true. My marriage became sexless after we had our second child. Wife was entirely consumed with her SUPER MOM alter ego, and was quite happy doing so. Sex, to her, had become obsolete.

 

women's sexual interest in her mate might just die on the vine

 

While I also believe this to be a fact, the good news is that a wife's deceased libido need not end the marriage. For example, my marriage was saved and for the past couple years we have had sex 2X per week on a regular schedule.

 

How can this be? Simple: my wife loves me. She has sex with me (and she usually enjoys it, frequently orgasms, etc) because it fulfills my need. Likewise, I do many (non-sexual) things to fulfill her various needs (many of which I do not share).

 

I must disclose that we were at the verge of divorce before she considered the very simple option of having regular sex with me, despite having lost her own libido. In fact, I believe that had I not threatened (and meant) divorce rather than stay in a sexless marriage, I would still be on loveshack posting confused/pissed off messages like some of the other men here.

 

Guys - if your wife has lost her libido and you are unwilling to remain celibate, dig up the old postings by LadyJane14 and Touche and pay close attention to the concept of "headlights in the driveway".

That is the only thing that worked for me, and my marriage is now better than ever.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tommyr & others, I agree with you to a point. Be careful, though, men. In a family with young children, a woman (or man ... a parent) might be at their maximum capacity to respond well to "needs."

 

If this were presented in a straightforward, "manly" way, I can believe it could "save" a marriage, but if the man is at all whiny, pouty, or anything like that ... I personally would probably bail rather than fulfill his "needs."

 

I can't speak for all women, but for this one, neediness is the opposite of erotic.

 

I'm probably lucky to be all elderly and done with the child rearing, career building, acquisitive phases of my life, and that my man is as well. We are both very conscious of what transpired in our former marriages; what each of us were responsible for in their demises, and we're on the look out to make sure that this love does not follow a similar path.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That "never get married" statement is a bit extreme...

 

How many men really want to get married as it is? How many fewer men would actually go through with it if they knew that there was a reasonable chance that in a few years their wife would simply stop having sex with them through no fault of their own? Not this man.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The way I see it, love and marriage is give and take. If a husband does for his wife in a certain way out of love, then the wife should do for the husband in a certain way out of love. Don't want sex? Not attracted? I can understand that, but would it really kill you to go out, get a 'great sex' book, some lube and spend a half hour or so a couple of times a week showing your husband some good sex and not just a 'dead fish can-you-just-make-it-fast' sort of thing? Do it because you love your husband, not because it is an obligation. Nothing is a turn off like lame obligational sex.

 

*Clap hands*

 

Husbands too. The little things you do, the frequent verbal and nonverbal affection cues she wants mean so much to her. Sometimes it's easier to sit down and veg in front of the TV (I know, sometimes that's all I want to do after a week at work but that's not fair to my wife) but try to spare 10 minutes to write a love note. It won't kill you to put a post-it now and then in her purse or on her steering wheel telling her the same thing you did when you were dating--that you adore and think of her. Or call in the middle of the day "just because" and insist that she dresses up so you can take her out to a nice dinner next Friday.

 

To paraphrase LucreziaBorgia, "do it because you love your wife." Put some enthusiasm in it. If it doesn't keep the fire stoked, know that at least you did your part.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...