Jump to content

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?


Recommended Posts

and if yes, why? Obviously, this stems from my situation. I need food for thought, because, at the moment, I don't really know what to do.

 

If we had sex, my marriage would be perfect... well, almost... ;)

 

Are sex and your sex life so important to you to the extent that you would be prepared to sacrifice your family and your children for them? Is it right to "expect" sex in married life, even after many years together? Am I being selfish? Should I just support my wife regardless? Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? Should I just accept it and get it over with? Why can't I connect to my wife emotionally, without sex? Is the brother/sister type of relationship common as my wife says?

 

I still can't believe this is happening to me. I always envisaged a happy life with a woman who loved me for what I am and who I am... what have I done wrong?

 

Sorry for ranting... but please offer your POV... I need to get a clearer picture on this... your help much appreciated!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Below are 2 very different questions. The first one asks if you will accept your wife refusing sex with you. The second one asks if you will allow your wife to insist you live the rest of your life celibate.

 

1. A marriage without sex

2. A life without sex

 

If my wife adamantly claimed that sex wasn't emotionally important than I would adamantly insist that I have the right to casually have this unimportant activity with other women.

 

The same woman who claims you don't need sex to emotionally bond to her - will crazily argue that you not have sex with anyone else because she is very aware that sex creates a strong emotional bond between two people.

 

 

 

 

 

and if yes, why? Obviously, this stems from my situation. I need food for thought, because, at the moment, I don't really know what to do.

 

If we had sex, my marriage would be perfect... well, almost... ;)

 

Are sex and your sex life so important to you to the extent that you would be prepared to sacrifice your family and your children for them? Is it right to "expect" sex in married life, even after many years together? Am I being selfish? Should I just support my wife regardless? Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? Should I just accept it and get it over with? Why can't I connect to my wife emotionally, without sex? Is the brother/sister type of relationship common as my wife says?

 

I still can't believe this is happening to me. I always envisaged a happy life with a woman who loved me for what I am and who I am... what have I done wrong?

 

Sorry for ranting... but please offer your POV... I need to get a clearer picture on this... your help much appreciated!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would stay if something happened to my husband and he could no longer, for whatever reason, have sex with me. I would expect some sort of physical affection from him like hugging or cuddling. I'm not saying I would be happy about the sexless part. However, if he truely couldn't help it, I would stay.

 

Now, if my husband no longer would have sex with me because he wasn't attracted to me or wasn't in love with me, I'd be out the door. In one situation, it isn't his choice, in another it is.

 

Giotto, I understand you're comming here to work out your problem. The thing is, no one really knows all of your situation. We can make guesses based on what you write, but only you know all the details of your situation at home. Only you know if you can stay married or not. I wish you luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

Giotto, I understand you're comming here to work out your problem. The thing is, no one really knows all of your situation. We can make guesses based on what you write, but only you know all the details of your situation at home. Only you know if you can stay married or not. I wish you luck.

 

yes, I'm asking for advice, to have a clearer idea and try and work out the problem... of course you don't know my entire situation... how long have you got? :D

 

 

My wife says she loves me, but because of fear of repercussions (if she says no to me for whatever reason), fear of conflict and confrontation, she is unable to have sex with me. She has a block about it. She was crying the other day when we talked about it, so I agreed not to ask for sex or even have sex if she doesn't feel like it. She has to initiate.

 

This fear of conflict is something she has to solve herself. I always considered our "arguments" in the past as normal rows couples have. Yes, I have said hurtful things on occasion, but who wouldn't after a month of no sex with no explanation. Obviously, the situation has deteriorated with time.

 

Now, knowing my wife, it might be a very long time until we have sex again. We might never have sex again. So, I'm facing a sexless marriage situation. That's the reason for the thread. I need to have a clear head to be able to take an informed decision and I would like to know what's the "general consensus" on a sexless marriage is here on LS...

 

I hope this makes things a bit clearer... :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hard to say since I'm not in that situation really. However if I had to guess, I would say probably so. I do think sex is important but so are other things, so the "other things" for me might outweigh the lack of or no sex deal. If there were many other areas that we did not get along in, and we had lots of other isues, I probably would end it, but if it was just the sex, probably not. I can't really say for sure though, but I would guess its a possiblity.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are sex and your sex life so important to you to the extent that you would be prepared to sacrifice your family and your children for them?

 

No, it isn't. Sex is not that important to me. But it is to my boyfriend and his happiness is what is important to me. I want sex with him to be intimate however, if he no longer could have sex with me I would be alright as long as he showed me intimacy and love in every other way. BUT that is just me. I do believe it is as important to my boyfriend as it is to you. He told me it is his way of showing me love and to know I love and desire him. When I do not initiate sex he feels less loved and sexy. My desire for him is crucial to his happiness with me.

 

Is it right to "expect" sex in married life, even after many years together?

 

In your vows you promise to be there for each other both spiritually and sexually. If your W expects you not to seek sex elsewhere, I would say it is her responsibility to make sure to satisfy you sexually. I would feel that I had been betrayed if I was asked to give up intimacy with anybody else for the rest of my life and then was not given any in my marriage. It would feel like being in prison.

 

Am I being selfish?

 

I think you are being human. I think you want to feel loved and desired.

 

Should I just support my wife regardless? Isn't love supposed to be unconditional?

 

Love to your children is supposed to be unconditional. Love in a marriage is not. Love in a marriage or relationship is given, earned and returned. She is pretty damn selfish if she expects you to just wait around while she will not give you *anything* to make you feel better. If I could not give my partner sex I would do anything else that I could to make him feel loved and desired.

 

Should I just accept it and get it over with?

 

If you can be happy with that, then yes. If you cannot - don't agree to a life without what is for you a core need. I would not agree to a life with someone who would not give me my core needs: kisses and cuddles.

 

Why can't I connect to my wife emotionally, without sex?

 

I think for men sex is a way to feel connected to your partner. I know it is for my boyfriend. If we did not have sex I think eventually he would feel like we were just friends.

 

Is the brother/sister type of relationship common as my wife says?

 

It might be. It might work for some. But that is no excuse. That is a bull**** excuse to avoid the problem. Maybe that is what would make your W happy - but it is not what makes you happy. Therefore, it is nothing she should even say to you. It is nothing but an excuse.

 

In the end, like angie said - only you know what truly goes on in your marriage... but this is how I would feel about it if it were me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am guessing that you know how I would answer, but I will do it anyhow. :D

 

and if yes, why? Obviously, this stems from my situation. I need food for thought, because, at the moment, I don't really know what to do.

 

Yes. And simple...the benefits outweigh the lack of sex. Besides, we do have sex but it is not enough or wanted enough by her. However, I know that as long as I do not let her (in my heart and mind more than anywhere else) control sex, then I can deal with it.

 

Perhaps my expectations are lower, but once or twice a month is doing enough for me now. If it changes, then I will not allow myself to be powerless over something so important in my life.

 

What do I mean by not letting her control it? First, my wife will have sex on occasion and I know it is out of love despite her lack of interest in it. Second, based on her own words...even if out of anger (see one of my previous threads), I know that me getting it elsewhere is better for her than me leaving her. Having said that, I feel that sex is enough for now that getting it elsewhere is not a desire right now.

 

If we had sex, my marriage would be perfect... well, almost... ;)

 

Then it should be easy. Being with her without sex is better than being without her with sex. Now if you had someone else in mind who equaled her, then leaving her would be an attractive option. At present, it doesn't appear to be that way.

 

Are sex and your sex life so important to you to the extent that you would be prepared to sacrifice your family and your children for them?

 

Absolutely not and without a doubt...no.

 

Is it right to "expect" sex in married life, even after many years together?

 

Yes, but even having sex without love and instead out of duty or as required by you...well, I think your thread would be similar except..."Why can't she love having sex with me?"

 

Am I being selfish?

 

Yes and no. Yes, because you have desires that are not being met. No, because those desires are part of the marriage contract.

 

Should I just support my wife regardless?

 

Yes and no. (Love saying that! :D) Yes because you committed to her when you were married to her. No to the point that she is not even attempting to understand why she doesn't want sex and is shutting you down. THIS is where I have became angry and said enough is enough and why my wife said how unimportant to her sex was. I can say that she has seen more importance of sex because she realizes how much I mean to her, but she doesn't really care to have more of a desire to have sex...except to make it enjoyable for me.

 

You cannot quit trying to make her understand what is missing in your marriage. She is attempting to quiet you on the subject. I know...been there, done that. Don't let that happen. You agreed to her terms....no discussion. Not good. While I have less conversations regarding sex, I know that I will bring it up as needed...and she knows it.

 

If you quit talking about it and then leave, she will say, "But how could I know it was still a problem when you never talked about it?

 

Do not keep silent. Just learn a better way to express yourself. (No, I don't know a better way.)

 

Isn't love supposed to be unconditional?

 

Nobody's love is really unconditional. Marriage is actually a commitment of conditions.

 

What I think you are saying is...shouldn't she love me enough to show her love to me the way that I want it expressed? And I say yes.

 

Should I just accept it and get it over with?

 

Accept what? That the sex will get no better? Go back five years....how was it then? The question is....are you better off with her as of now or better off without her? Will you regret leaving her at some point as it stands now?

 

When leaving her is better than staying in all aspects, then do so. If losing your kids fulltime is better than being with them and not having sex, then leave.

 

No, it is not easy.

 

Why can't I connect to my wife emotionally, without sex?

 

Because you are a man.

 

Is the brother/sister type of relationship common as my wife says?

 

Yes and no. :D Many marriages are sexless or have little connection sexually. But then again many marriages are surviving and not thriving.

 

It is not about the lack of sex but about the mutual expression of love as is needed by BOTH partners.

 

BTW, your wife must have called my wife or vice versa.:eek: My wife has said that she is not unusual among women her age. Many no longer want or need sex.

 

Or else there is an epidemic out there. :D

 

I still can't believe this is happening to me. I always envisaged a happy life with a woman who loved me for what I am and who I am... what have I done wrong?

 

Interesting. When my wife and I were first married, I can remember saying to myself that at least we will never have a problem with not enough sex. And my wife would have agreed with me.

 

Funny how things change. And yes, the question is...why? And yes, I also ask...what did I do wrong? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps something. Unless my wife tells me differently, then at this point, I can only say nothing because she says that to me. If in her heart she thinks it is my fault, then she does us both a disservice by not saying. And so with your wife. If she feels it is all her and not you, then all you can say is "Ok."

 

Sorry for ranting... but please offer your POV... I need to get a clearer picture on this... your help much appreciated!

 

Hey, I totally understand. When I have the answer, you will be among the first I tell.

 

What I can offer is that I know inside that as for now, I have come to peace with the idea that my marriage and family are more important to me than having sex and losing them. So I can say that I have chosen to stay. Is that because it is easier than leaving? Is that because it is less traumatic? Perhaps, but inside I can say that I do not feel the resentment and anger that I did a few months ago.

 

While I cannot see me in an affair, I think by saying that if I get that despondent and desperate again, then getting it elsewhere is a real option. Perhaps simply getting a "massage" now and then will cure the loss. It will never be the same but it will relieve the tension.

 

And above all, I think it takes away that feeling of helplessness that we both get because our sex life is out of our control. Being powerless over something that should not even be an issue is extremely frustrating. And not being able to reason or "get through" to the one who says over and over that she loves us can make life unbearable at times.

 

Sex becomes everything in life...until we put it all in perspective. as has been said, when we have enough, it is but a small part of marriage. When we don't, then it is everything.

 

Reality is....it is as important as you allow it to be. Reality is...this is not just about sex, but about how deep you feel her love is for you.

 

I totally understand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic

There is no yes or no answer.... The difference between your marriage and others however is your wife shows no understanding or affection to you. My wife understands how I feel about sex, our lives and knows she has no real answer, but we do have a decent sex life in relationship to othersd (at least so I have convinced myself:laugh:).

 

However she still will be affectionate with me (not kissing) but sitting with her feet on my lap on the couch, sleeping together (i.e. spooning....). Little things, but cwertainly shows that there still is love and a spark.... Heck sometimes she even says "let's have sex".... Not often, but has happened even recently;)......

 

Giotto, I'm sorry but you don't even have those little nuggets to grasp at.... That is not good...

Link to post
Share on other sites
M

 

However she still will be affectionate with me (not kissing) but sitting with her feet on my lap on the couch, sleeping together (i.e. spooning....). Little things, but cwertainly shows that there still is love and a spark.... Heck sometimes she even says "let's have sex".... Not often, but has happened even recently;)......

 

 

Ditto here. While we may not have alot of sex, she is very cuddly and does like to kiss. Her eyes express her love.

 

It is these little things that do keep me in the marriage and keep me there by choice.

 

Without that, then it would be much more difficult.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would stay if something happened to my husband and he could no longer, for whatever reason, have sex with me. I would expect some sort of physical affection from him like hugging or cuddling. I'm not saying I would be happy about the sexless part. However, if he truly couldn't help it, I would stay.

 

this is pretty much what's going on in our marriage. Am I happy about it? At times, no, not really, because I think he could try harder *if* he really wanted to.

 

however, at the same time I realize that by not putting any pressure on him, he doesn't feel that he's got to perform, which lessens any anxiety he has about putting out. My thought is, we still cuddle, we still hold hands, we still neck, and still share those passionate kisses, so the "love-making" bit is still there, just doesn't get resolved in screwing.

 

it'd be much, much worse, IMO, if there wasn't any physical contact in our relationship, and I think grounds for seriously reconsidering the marriage.

 

look, sex is incredibly important, but other than for procreation, it's not the be-all, end-all of a relationship. There's got to be something deeper that you base the relationship on, something that sees you through the "lean" times.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you ask an older woman.. she would probably say that she would stay in a sexless marriage.. because.. she just don't want sex anymore,.. anyway... :laugh:

 

Conclusion: she probably is very happy... being in her comfortable life.. with her grankids around..

 

If you ask a younger woman.. who has young children.. she might say that she would stay for the sake of the kids... and that she can't financially survive or it would be very difficult..

 

Conclusion: she probably isn't that happy if she has the higher sex drive.. or she could be very happy if she's always tired because of the work, the kids, the house, etc..

 

If you ask an older man.. he would probably say that he is struggling whether he wants to spend the rest of his life in a sexless marriage.. and probably will seek massage parlors, or even an affair.

 

Conclusion: He could be happy or not.. depending if he feels a lot of guilt.. or might get used fairly quickly to the 'guilt' .. or might get very much into 'affairs' because he gets what he wants since his W denies him his pleasure/need.

 

If you ask a younger man.. who has young children.. he might say that he will sacrifice his sex life the sake of the kids... or most will have sex on the side.. which is way easier.. and less hassles..

 

Conclusion: same as the older guy...

Link to post
Share on other sites
yes, I'm asking for advice, to have a clearer idea and try and work out the problem... of course you don't know my entire situation... how long have you got? :D

 

Frankly I think your wife is probably cheating on you. It's absolutely absurd of her to contend she has no interest in sex. Women behave the way your wife is behaving when they have emotionally "left the marriage" and generally speaking that often means they have someone else on the side, or at the least, are thinking about it.

 

 

My wife says she loves me, but because of fear of repercussions (if she says no to me for whatever reason), fear of conflict and confrontation, she is unable to have sex with me. She has a block about it. She was crying the other day when we talked about it, so I agreed not to ask for sex or even have sex if she doesn't feel like it. She has to initiate.

 

The behavior you've described is sheer and deliberate emotional manipulation by your wife, she's laying a guilt trip on you simply for wanting to have a normal sexual relationship. If she loves you, her husband, then she'd want to have sex with you. Period. No ifs ands or buts about that. She does not want to have sex with you because on some very fundamental level she does NOT love you, not whole heartedly anyway. I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's a fact. Women who truly love their husbands have sex with their husbands if they are physically able. Your wife is physically able.

 

By the way she is NOT "unable" to have sex with you. She CHOOSES not to have sex with you, and CHOOSES to manipulate you into giving up trying to have sex with her by pure emotional blackmail. (All the signs of a cheating spouse, by the way.) She is perfectly "able" to have sex with you. She can lie on the bed, spread her legs, apply some lube, and let you do all the work if it comes to that. She may have some psychological problems that prevent her from having orgasm. Or your technique may be lacking. But she is certainly "able" to have sex with you.

 

And she is OBVIOUSLY not fearful of conflict. She is very GOOD at conflict, she's manipulated you into not even trying to have sex with her out of guilt. How did you conclude that she's not "good" at conflict? Someone who is not good at conflict would just keep her mouth shut, lie there, and let you have sex with her.

 

No doubt at all in my mind she is cheating on you giotto. Sorry but it's the ONLY explanation for her behavior that fits the facts you've presented.

 

 

This fear of conflict is something she has to solve herself. I always considered our "arguments" in the past as normal rows couples have. Yes, I have said hurtful things on occasion, but who wouldn't after a month of no sex with no explanation. Obviously, the situation has deteriorated with time.

 

Giotto it is most likely YOU who "fear conflict."

 

What exactly do you think will happen if you put some macho on, pick her up, carry her into the bedroom, rip her clothes off, throw her down on the bed, and say: "Honey I'm horny as a hoot owl and whether you like it or not it's happening. So get ready, here I come." Have you ever even come close to this?

 

If she doesn't like conflict, she will LET YOU HAVE SEX with her. She might not like it; she might resent you for it. But a conflict-avoidant person would NOT stop you from doing it.

 

 

 

 

Now, knowing my wife, it might be a very long time until we have sex again. We might never have sex again.

 

That's totally your decision, giotto. The reason you and she are not having sex is simply because you don't insist on having it. You give her a choice: if you want to stay married then we have to have sex. A marriage without sex is not a marriage.

 

If she truly loves you, and truly wants to stay married to you, she will have sex with you to prevent you from leaving her. If she does not love you and does not want to stay married to you, she will tell you "OK good bye."

 

You are the conflict avoider giotto because you don't want to have this conversation with her. But it is necessary to have it once and for all. You have no power in this relationship, she has all the power, yet she has conned you into thinking she rather than you is the powerless one. You are her puppet and you are dancing to her tune.

 

 

 

So, I'm facing a sexless marriage situation. That's the reason for the thread. I need to have a clear head to be able to take an informed decision and I would like to know what's the "general consensus" on a sexless marriage is here on LS...

 

I hope this makes things a bit clearer... :)

 

A sexless marriage is a marriage in name only. Also you can have sex with your wife.

 

But you have to actually ask for it, and impose consequences if she continues to deny you. Again she is not "unable" to have sex with you. She has CHOSEN not to have sex with you. And, you have CHOSEN to allow this state of affairs to continue indefinitely.

 

You might just want to tell her that you know she is cheating on you, you're not mad at her, and you know that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. See what kind of a reaction you get.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frankly I think your wife is probably cheating on you. It's absolutely absurd of her to contend she has no interest in sex. Women behave the way your wife is behaving when they have emotionally "left the marriage" and generally speaking that often means they have someone else on the side, or at the least, are thinking about it.

 

Not true. As one who has investigated all angles of low libido in women, cheating is not a requirement.

 

And no, it does not have to mean she left the marriage emotionally. It simply means that she doesn't need the physical and is content with a strong friendship for whatever reason.

 

 

Giotto, could you explain this comment of yours a little better?

My wife says she loves me, but because of fear of repercussions (if she says no to me for whatever reason), fear of conflict and confrontation, she is unable to have sex with me. She has a block about it.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Not true. As one who has investigated all angles of low libido in women, cheating is not a requirement.

 

Be careful James. When you say "low libido" are you referring simply to a physical lack of sexual desire or a situation where the wife not only doesn't feel like having sex with her H, she ALSO doesn't see the problem with feeling that way? The problem in these cases isn't simply a lack of physical desire; it is the lack of an emotional desire to have the physical desire.

 

There's a difference between a wife who says "Gee I never seem to be in the mood to have sex and that's really frustrating for me, how do I get myself in the mood more frequently, because I think sex is an important part of a marital relationship" and "I don't feel like having sex with my husband and I'm perfectly happy with that state of affairs."

 

Both women have "low libidos" but the second situation, not the first, is really what we're talking about isn't it? Not just why the wife doesn't want to have sex with the H; but why that doesn't bother her.

 

No cheating is not a "requirement." But it's amazing how often these supposedly frigid women heat up real fast when they find the right boyfriend to have sex with.

 

The bottom line is that reasonably healthy women want and need sex just as much as anyone else does, or almost as much. It's abnormal and extremely dysfunctional for a woman not to want to have sex with her husband.

 

 

And no, it does not have to mean she left the marriage emotionally.

 

Of course it does, James. Of course it does. Even if she doesn't want to have sex she must know how badly her husband wants it. Yet she doesn't care enough about him to give it to him. Because she's not there emotionally for him anymore (if she ever was).

 

That's why when you read about these women who cheat on their H's, one of the interesting things is all the crazy kinds of kinky sex they will have with their AP's that they were never interested in doing with their spouses. Why is that? Simple--no emotional connection, therefore, no physical manifestation of it via mutually expressed sexuality. When a woman loves a man she will do almost anything sexually to keep him happy even if she might not particularly like whatever it is she's doing to please him. It is paramount for the woman to "please her man." When she stops caring about her man, she doesn't feel any need to please him any more. So, she doesn't. She has the minimal amount of sex she can get away with to keep him from dumping her or other unacceptable repercussions. It sounds like that's exactly what your wife's doing to you James. A minimal amount of sex which is unsatisfactory to you but just enough to keep you from leaving her, cheating on her, or making her life completely miserable in some other fashion.

 

If she love you James she would give you more sex. Even if she didn't particularly "feel like it." Because she would have a desire to please you. She doesn't please you because she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to because she lacks the sufficient depth of emotional connection with you. James if your W truly loved you "that way" she would be draining you dry every night or at least every other night.

 

 

 

It simply means that she doesn't need the physical and is content with a strong friendship for whatever reason.

 

 

 

Thank you James you just proved my point. A marriage should be much much more than merely a "strong friendship." I certainly don't expect my friends, even "strong" ones, to knock my socks off in bed.

 

She's content with only a "strong friendship" because she doesn't love you.

 

Sorry man but that's what you're describing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WalkInThePark
My wife says she loves me, but because of fear of repercussions (if she says no to me for whatever reason), fear of conflict and confrontation, she is unable to have sex with me. She has a block about it. She was crying the other day when we talked about it, so I agreed not to ask for sex or even have sex if she doesn't feel like it. She has to initiate.

 

I don't know you or your wife personally but to me this sounds like emotional blackmail. It seems that your wife reacts in a very childish way: she is so fragile and sensitive that she is unable to have a grown-up conversation with another adult = a conversation in which there might be disagreement and frustration initially but where you try to find a common ground.

If she is the way I perceive her on the basis of what you write here, I cannot imagine that sex is the only problem. I presume she also has problems with other adults. Does she work? How does she get on with colleagues?

 

I don't know what her problem is but it seems to me she has psychological problems with go beyond sex. I think that unless she realizes that she does not function properly and looks for help, things won't improve.

 

As for the sexless marriage. No I would not accept it, that is not if my partner has no objective reason which prevents him from sex. If he would have health problems which he has no control over and we have always had a good sex life, I would try to be content with other ways of physical contact (although it would frustrate me not to be able to have "normal" sex).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm divorcing and not in a sexless M, but I do have a question. When communicating about intimacy, do the wives who claim to have little to no interest in sexual intimacy contemporaneously claim that their husbands are meeting their needs and desires? Any expansion on that dynamic wrt balance?

 

I ask because my sexual desire waned when my emotional and intimacy needs and desires were not fulfilled within my M and communicated this to my stbx long prior to MC. I literally felt abandoned. I understand that women process the psychology of intimacy in a different way than men do, but, as an outlier (as a man) I'm curious how things are going in these sexless marriages.

 

To answer the topic, no way would I stay in a sexless M. I waited a long time to share myself sexually and am very particular about whom I share myself with, so they'd be gone before or after M if I got whiff of that dynamic. Life's too short. I can adopt kids. Don't need a woman for that. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Giotto, how old are your kids?

 

Am I going to stay? No way.

 

My situation is different though. This is my 2nd marriage. There are no kids or assets involved. We've only been married 9 months.

 

When I thought he had a low libido, it was easier to accept.

 

Knowing your spouse can but won't is pretty insulting.

 

I found out his libido was just fine to wank to porn nearly every day all the while telling me he just doesn't think about sex very much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WalkInThePark
She is perfectly "able" to have sex with you. She can lie on the bed, spread her legs, apply some lube, and let you do all the work if it comes to that. She may have some psychological problems that prevent her from having orgasm. Or your technique may be lacking. But she is certainly "able" to have sex with you.

 

Troggleputty, you hit the nail on the head. Well said! I don't understand this "I would like to have sex but I can't." That is utter nonsense. Every healthy woman can have sex. She might not feel any desire but the physical act of sex itself is not something that is impossible. These women are pretending that some higher power prevents them from having sex. There is no such higher power. It's them who have the work to become more sexual. By for example developing a more positive relationship with their body.

BTW, I have noticed that even if I am not really in the mood for sex, I can get in the mood by getting physical with my partner. This attitude of "I need to be in the mood for sex and I keep waiting for the mood to come" is something that does not work. Sometimes you have sex because you are in the mood and sometimes you get in the mood by having sex.

 

If she doesn't like conflict, she will LET YOU HAVE SEX with her. She might not like it; she might resent you for it. But a conflict-avoidant person would NOT stop you from doing it.

 

Blunt but again nail on the head IMO. Giotto, you should rock the boat. Tell her: if you don't do something about this "I don't want sex" attitude of yours, then I am out of here. I bet she'll see a councellor right away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If you ask an older woman.. she would probably say that she would stay in a sexless marriage.. because.. she just don't want sex anymore,.. anyway... :laugh:

 

Conclusion: she probably is very happy... being in her comfortable life.. with her grankids around..

 

If you ask a younger woman.. who has young children.. she might say that she would stay for the sake of the kids... and that she can't financially survive or it would be very difficult..

 

Conclusion: she probably isn't that happy if she has the higher sex drive.. or she could be very happy if she's always tired because of the work, the kids, the house, etc..

 

If you ask an older man.. he would probably say that he is struggling whether he wants to spend the rest of his life in a sexless marriage.. and probably will seek massage parlors, or even an affair.

 

Conclusion: He could be happy or not.. depending if he feels a lot of guilt.. or might get used fairly quickly to the 'guilt' .. or might get very much into 'affairs' because he gets what he wants since his W denies him his pleasure/need.

 

If you ask a younger man.. who has young children.. he might say that he will sacrifice his sex life the sake of the kids... or most will have sex on the side.. which is way easier.. and less hassles..

 

Conclusion: same as the older guy...

 

Lizzie your post really makes a lot of sense. In my own marriage we have struggled through sexless periods (15 days at a time would be considerable amount to my H).

 

I really noticed the change in my own libido after the first child was born. Sex became a chore to me and I'm not really sure why. I was pressured and threatened (my H threatening to leave if I did not have sex). This just exacerbated the situation. Now ever time I had sex I felt like I was being molested.

 

Anyways fast forward and my H ended up having an A and I was devastated. Shortly after his A I had an A and my feelings of sexual nature came back to me. I'm not advocating an A by any means just stating the way things happened in my M due to the lack of sex.

 

Today we are in repair. We have sex about 1 or 2 times a week which really is enough for me. I do not have the desire to have sex more than that unless I am drinking. I do love my H and want my M, but I will never understand why this happened to me. I believe it is frustrating for both sides to be pressured for sex and to not have the feeling to have sex.

 

I wish there was a simple answer myself. I wish there was a drug that I could take that would make me want to have sex more often.

 

I do notice that when I am more relaxed and we are both enjoying each others company with no disturbances I usually am more in the mood then.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Blunt but again nail on the head IMO. Giotto, you should rock the boat. Tell her: if you don't do something about this "I don't want sex" attitude of yours, then I am out of here. I bet she'll see a councellor right away.

 

It is interesting people are telling OP to force the issue but on my thread I am being told to back off and stop bugging him for sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is because males and females have disparate psychologies wrt sex. Like it or not, the male is the aggressor, the penetrator. There's a psychology behind that, the same psychology which impels him to pursue a mate. Women, OTOH, are the receivers, biologically. To achieve these roles, each gender processes the dynamic differently. Hence, this is why we (as men) often hear here on LS that 'you'll never understand because you're a man'. Very true, as is the reverse. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

mmm... thank you very much! Really! I appreciate it. Lots to think about... taken everything on board and I will answer tomorrow when I get up (well, after sending kids to school and walking the dog...)... sorry, it's only 9.45 PM here, but I'm shattered... at least I don't have to have sex tonight... :p

Link to post
Share on other sites
Be careful James. When you say "low libido" are you referring simply to a physical lack of sexual desire or a situation where the wife not only doesn't feel like having sex with her H, she ALSO doesn't see the problem with feeling that way? The problem in these cases isn't simply a lack of physical desire; it is the lack of an emotional desire to have the physical desire.

 

Do you have experience with a lack of sex? Are you married yourself?

 

Are you a man or a woman?

 

And no, as an example...not feeling hungry does not mean you do not want to feel hunger. It does not mean you don't want the delicious steak. You simply don't have the desire.

 

In marriage, too. Sex is not wanted because a physical desire is not there. This does not mean the emotional desire for that person is no longer there. It does not mean that there is not love there. It simply means that the physical act of love is not needed to express that love.

 

 

There's a difference between a wife who says "Gee I never seem to be in the mood to have sex and that's really frustrating for me, how do I get myself in the mood more frequently, because I think sex is an important part of a marital relationship" and "I don't feel like having sex with my husband and I'm perfectly happy with that state of affairs."

 

Yes there is.

 

Both women have "low libidos" but the second situation, not the first, is really what we're talking about isn't it? Not just why the wife doesn't want to have sex with the H; but why that doesn't bother her.

 

Sometimes when someone doesn't feel the desire, they use a defense mechanism to cover that helplessness and feeling that they lack. When no answer is evident to the lack of desire, then they either may deny the problem, try to avoid the problem, or face the problem. In none of those scenarios does it mean they do not want a solution to the problem. They simply attempt to evade the problem in two of the scenarios.

 

Does it bother you if you are not hungry and others are? Not usually.

 

What we are talking about is not a lack of love but the fact that the person does not realize how important that this physical ...or rather sexual...expression of love is to her(or his) partner.

 

No cheating is not a "requirement." But it's amazing how often these supposedly frigid women heat up real fast when they find the right boyfriend to have sex with.

 

Could be. But to say to Giotto, "Your wife is cheating" is a general statement that cannot be made by anyone here. Perhaps it is true, but based on what Giotto has said in his numerous threads on this subjest, we certainly cannot say so.

 

The bottom line is that reasonably healthy women want and need sex just as much as anyone else does, or almost as much.

 

Two things...

 

Assumption is that the wife is reasonable healthy...whatever that means.

 

And if being healthy means that a low libido person is unhealthy, then yes. However, I don't think it can be said that someone with a low libido must have a health problem.

 

It's abnormal and extremely dysfunctional for a woman not to want to have sex with her husband.

 

Perhaps. And that is the point of the discussion.

 

Even if she doesn't want to have sex she must know how badly her husband wants it. Yet she doesn't care enough about him to give it to him. Because she's not there emotionally for him anymore (if she ever was).

 

No, if having sex is distasteful for whatever reason (could be sexual abuse in the past or), then expressing love through sex cannot be considered a happy time for her even if she does it for her husband.

 

A partner CAN be there emotionally for the other without wanting or being able to give sexual expression to that love. It is absurd to think that strong deep love can be expressed via sex only.

 

Even in the longest periods of no sex in our marriage, I have never doubted that my wife was there emotionally for me. Never. And I can say that unless there was an argument between us, there was no reason to say that having sex equates being in love with me emotionally.

 

I think as Lizzie has pointed out, sex can be given in many marriages without emotional love, and emotional love can be strong without sexual enjoyment.

 

When a woman loves a man she will do almost anything sexually to keep him happy even if she might not particularly like whatever it is she's doing to please him. It is paramount for the woman to "please her man."

 

Pleasing her man does not only mean sex.

 

When she stops caring about her man, she doesn't feel any need to please him any more. So, she doesn't. She has the minimal amount of sex she can get away with to keep him from dumping her or other unacceptable repercussions. It sounds like that's exactly what your wife's doing to you James.

 

It may sound that way, but IRL it isn't that way.

 

If she love you James she would give you more sex. Even if she didn't particularly "feel like it." Because she would have a desire to please you.

 

Maybe for her, having sex a couple of times a month IS giving me sex. As Lizzie has said, having sex to please a husband can turn the sex into a requirement that builds resentment.

 

My wife will do what she can to please me in many ways. I do not doubt her love.

 

She doesn't please you because she doesn't want to.

 

Actually, you said something almost right. She doesn't please me more sexually because she doesn't want to. However, she tries to compensate in other ways.

 

James if your W truly loved you "that way" she would be draining you dry every night or at least every other night.

 

This statement certainly doesn't come from experience. :laugh: Actually, once a week is more than enough for me. If she wanted sex that often, then she would be a nymphomaniac in my book! :eek:

 

A marriage should be much much more than merely a "strong friendship."

 

I agree.

 

She's content with only a "strong friendship" because she doesn't love you.

 

And I am guessing from what I have read, Giotto would say that there is more than just a friendship. I know that we have much more than that.

 

Marriage can be wonderful without sex (yes, I said that) or with sex every day. What defines if it is a great marriage is if both partners are in agreement with what defines a great marriage and abide by it. What matters is if they both show love to the other as the other "needs" it.

 

So if Giotto or I had sex every time we wanted it just to please us, yet that sex was obligatory and not an expression of love, then where is the great marriage? If I had a wife who wanted sex every day simply because she loved sex and not because it was an expression of love to me, then how can I say we have a great marriage?

 

This is not about sex but about the miscommunication of what the expression of love should be.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Troggleputty, you hit the nail on the head. Well said! I don't understand this "I would like to have sex but I can't." That is utter nonsense. Every healthy woman can have sex. She might not feel any desire but the physical act of sex itself is not something that is impossible. These women are pretending that some higher power prevents them from having sex. There is no such higher power. It's them who have the work to become more sexual. By for example developing a more positive relationship with their body.

BTW, I have noticed that even if I am not really in the mood for sex, I can get in the mood by getting physical with my partner. This attitude of "I need to be in the mood for sex and I keep waiting for the mood to come" is something that does not work. Sometimes you have sex because you are in the mood and sometimes you get in the mood by having sex.

 

 

Of course she can have sex, but the OP wants his wife to desire him, to want sex with him...not for her to just lie back and think of England.

 

Her problem is mental not physical...there is a 'higher power' preventing her - it's her brain. She needs to speak to someone about this and work out what it is that's blocking her from enjoying sex. Being aggressive and forceful is just going to make the situation a lot worse.

 

OP have you thought about sex therapy or read up on it? Can you take her away for a few days to discuss this with her, without her making excuses about being ill or tired?

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I really noticed the change in my own libido after the first child was born. Sex became a chore to me and I'm not really sure why.

 

I think lots of women have all kinds of hormonal issues related to pregnancy, child birth, recovery, and lactation which can affect desire.

 

 

I was pressured and threatened (my H threatening to leave if I did not have sex). This just exacerbated the situation. Now ever time I had sex I felt like I was being molested.

 

...this almost sounds as if you bought into some kind of false politicized feminism type of idea, about what kind of expectations there should be towards sex in a marriage. You should expect that your H would want to have frequent sex with you and become very frustrated if it's unavailable. That's "normal" behavior. You should not expect your H to be happy if you were consistently refusing him sex over a prolonged period of time. This frustration might lead to threats of divorce, the same way as any other marital conflict could lead to such threats. Apparently it was the threat of divorce which caused you to concede to give more sex to your H. But that's not "molestation," it's not even close to "molestation."

 

What it is was that your Husband figured out what behavioral trigger he needed to push to get you to stop denying sex to him. You were afraid he would follow through and actually divorce you, you didn't want to divorce, and surprise!--suddenly you were able to have sex with him.

 

Guess what? This means that you were able to have sex with him all along, even without him threatening you. But you CHOSE not to have sex with him.

 

You see having sex isn't "all about you." It's also about wanting to please your partner. Many women (and men) somehow have gotten the false notion that it's perfectly OK for them to deny their partners sex simply because they (i.e. the denying partner) doesn't want to have sex. Guess what? It's not "OK" to deny like that, not over a prolonged period of time anyway. Not to your spouse. Because you see when you got married having sex with your spouse was "part of the deal." A major major part of the deal. By refusing to have sex you are reneging on your part of the marital bargain.

 

Sex is a basic human need, if you deny your partner that basic human need, there will be repercussions.

 

If you had a child who needed to be fed and you didn't feel like feeding him, would it be OK NOT to feed the child just because you didn't feel like feeding the child? No. You wouldn't starve your child of food, would you? But many many people feel it is perfectly acceptable to starve their spouse of sex.

 

Anyways fast forward and my H ended up having an A and I was devastated.

 

Clearly it was absolutely wrong for your H to have an affair even if you denied him sex. However it sounds as if he was taking revenge on you for depriving him of sex. He did threaten you with divorce, I guess he may have decided that while an A was bad, it would fulfill his need and wouldn't be quite as bad as just getting divorced. Still does not excuse him though.

 

 

Shortly after his A I had an A and my feelings of sexual nature came back to me.

 

Now isn't THAT interesting...you DID have "sexual feelings," but just not for your husband! (At least not at that time.) In other words the reason you didn't want to have sex is that you made the CHOICE to NOT feel sexual towards your husband after you gave birth. Who knows why? Probably some deep psychological issue. Only when your H had his A, that motivated you to express yourself sexually but with another person in revenge.

 

This means you ALWAYS had the capability of expressing yourself sexually with your H but you CHOSE to withhold it from your H until all this disasterous conflict-ridden behavior took place with the mutual affairs.

 

Most likely what happened is that you decided to have an affair without feeling particularly sexual towards your affair partner; however once you started actually having "affair sex" it was the behavior itself that created the sexual desire.

 

Which is precisely the point so many of you women who deny your H's sex refuse to recognize: You have to do the sexual behaviors to stimulate the desire rather than "waiting" for the desire to come before doing the behavior. (Someone else said that already in this thread I believe or something close to this thought.)

 

But again the actual act of sex, or to withhold it, is clearly a choice. It's deliberate. When a person says "I won't have sex with my H" that's an intentional, deliberate choice. "...because I don't feel like it" is just an excuse. You're married to the man (or woman), it's YOUR JOB to "feel like it."

 

 

 

I'm not advocating an A by any means just stating the way things happened in my M due to the lack of sex.

 

But you see, things didn't "just happen." After all you've been through you need to be able to put together the dots a little bit better than this. These behaviors you're describing aren't simply random occurrences. Start from the beginning, which was your first choice: to get married. To get married is a choice and the committment to have regular sexual relations with your h is part of that bargain. But, for whatever reason, after child birth you made another choice to revoke your initial promise of sexual availability. Then when your H upped the ante by threatening divorce, you made a third choice, to have sex with him, but to resent him for outfoxing you and manipulating you into doing what you should have been doing with him without any manipulation or threats in the first place.

 

This is all very dysfunctional yet you don't seem to understand the root cause of the dysfunction. Which is your failure to understand that having sex with one's spouse is a fundamental and basic marital obligation. Obligation means you have to do it. Not out of coercion (or as you claim "molestation") but simply because you agreed to that obligation by marrying the other person.

 

In other aspects of life, mature adults perform their obligations because they are obligations. Sometimes they are enjoyable, sometimes they are not. Mature adults try to do what they can so as to make the obligatory, as enjoyable as possible. Certainly, sex--obligatory or not--is or should be one of the most enjoyable things any of us do in our lives. Why is it so hard for so many people, women in particular, to understand these rather basic concepts? Why did you for instance, believe it was OK to put your h in the position where he felt it necessary to threaten you with divorce in order to get you to have sex with him? You perceive yourself as the victim in this but you obviously were not. You were the perpetrator of the injustice. For you see when the two of you married, was the understanding that you both agreed NOT to have sex with each other? Or rather was the understanding that you WOULD have sex with each other?

 

Yet in your mind you have twisted everything around. Your H was your "molester." Not a normal healthy male who simply desired to have sex with his wife. Meanwhile in your own mind you were justified in your frigidity with your H. Yet it was OK for you to have sexual feelings in the context of an extra marital "revenge" affair.

 

Life would be a lot simpler if people would just get back to the basics. If we marry a person, we should expect to have regular sex with them, and we should expect them to want to have sex with us, and we should try our best to make sure that happens to the extent feasible, not denying our partner constantly because "I don't feel like it, and if you 'make' me have sex with you, then you're 'molesting' me."

 

 

Today we are in repair. We have sex about 1 or 2 times a week which really is enough for me.

 

I'm afraid you still don't "get it." It's not about what is "enough for me," it's about "what's enough for us." You're not single. You're married.

 

Sex simply does NOT take all that long, and for the woman, it really doesn't require all that much effort. Basically you're OK with 1 - 2x a week. But maybe your husband wants it another 2 - 3 x/week. So what is that? Another half hour, maybe an hour of your time, tops, to throw him 2 or 3 random "quickies" during the week? You can't bring yourself to do that?

 

Are you kidding me? Are all you ladies out there who are so so resentful of your husbands KIDDING me?

 

If your H threatens you with D, THEN you'll have sex with him (but damm if you'll enjoy it!) If he has an A, THEN you'll have sex with someone else, and enjoy THAT.

 

But GOD FORBID the man you MARRIED expresses his sexual desire for you by actually wanting to have sex WITH YOU on a moderately frequently basis, then all of a sudden everyone goes all Andrea Dworkin on the men.

 

Listen, the guys on LS who are complaining about "no sex" aren't sex maniacs. These are guys who aren't getting it 2x/week. Many aren't getting it 2x/month. Again I have to say: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

Women marry a man, YET cannot spend 30 minutes to an hour of their time to have sex with him even a couple of times or god forbid three times a week? Some of you ladies spend LESS TIME having sex with your hubbies than I spend TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE and SORTING THE RECYCLING. (Garbage = 2x/week, recycling 1x every two weeks, in case anyone is interested.) And actually an hour is probably an exaggeration as to the amount of time that is needed, in a pinch.

 

A woman who cannot spend 15 to 30 minutes, 2 - 3x week, having sex with her husband, yet still claims to love him, is either LYING or is INSANE.

 

 

I do not have the desire to have sex more than that unless I am drinking.

 

I can only mutter curses to myself when I see someone write something like this. The answer is obvious: DRINK MORE if that's what gets you in the mood. Are you kidding or something? Take a hot bath, drink more wine, figure out what it is that "gets you in the mood," then DO IT. Or, tell your H what you need to have HIM do to get YOU in the mood.

 

Do you know what Viagra is? It's a pill that men take if they want to have more sex. But they generally don't need to take a different pill to take the pill that makes them want to/able to have more sex.

 

Your problem isn't a lack of sexual desire; it's really a lack of a desire to have sexual desire. You need to take the pill that makes you want to drink the wine etc. that "gets you in the mood." You know--the pill that makes you want to have sex with your husband in the first place.

 

 

I do love my H and want my M, but I will never understand why this happened to me.

 

If you're being truthful and actually do love your H, then "it happened" because of your deliberate CHOICES. You CHOSE to interpret your marital contract as allowing you to withhold sex from your H at your unilateral whim/choice. When you lost desire, you didn't act appropriately to do whatever was necessary to restore that desire. Another choice on your part. You didn't take the hormone replacements, drink the extra glass of wine, or simply "grin and bear it" and/or just decide well heck I will throw my H some sex even if I don't feel like it because he wants it and I love him.

 

Like so many many women, you didn't perceive sex (and probably still don't) as something that spouses do, or should do, for mutual enjoyment and for its own sake to establish and build that intimate special connection. No, so many women view their sexuality as a "bargaining chip" or "medium of exchange" to be used in marital commerce. Sex is something only given if something is gotten in return. Not a gift of love to the spouse, but rather a crass and crude currency.

 

IOW the reason to have sex with your H is because HE enjoys it, whether or not you have chosen to perceive the experience as enjoyable or not. (Again another choice on your part, when you want sex to be enjoyable, i.e. like with your affair partner, you are perfectly capable of perceiving it as being enjoyable.)

 

 

I believe it is frustrating for both sides to be pressured for sex and to not have the feeling to have sex.

 

My dear the way to avoid both the frustration and the pressure is to simply view sex as a required marital obligation. Like taking out the garbage, or doing the recycling. "Just do it" because it's part of your marital committment.

 

Do you actually think I enjoy taking the garbage out 2x a week? I don't, but if I don't do it, the house gets filled with trash. It seems to me if I can bring myself to do something as unpleasant as taking the trash out 2x/week you can bring yourself to have sex with your H AT LEAST that often.

 

I wish there was a simple answer myself. I wish there was a drug that I could take that would make me want to have sex more often.

 

Lol, when I talked about the pill that would make you want to have sex with your H, I was being metaphorical. There IS NO PILL.

 

Ask yourself this: Why did you marry your H in the first place? Why don't you think you are obligated to have sex with your spouse? Also, why can't you just have sex with the man periodically even if you don't want to?

 

Why not? Because Gloria Steinem wouldn't approve?

 

 

I do notice that when I am more relaxed and we are both enjoying each others company with no disturbances I usually am more in the mood then.

 

Facepalm.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...