Haruka Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Hey guys, So life has been going on swimmingly for me, I have a great job, studying at night and still with my boyfriend. Now I guess this is where I might get some advice. It is now five years since I meet my boyfriend, and of course ups and downs and occasionally coming on here telling my woes lol. However now I am feeling in this part of my life that I want to take the next step with my boyfriend and become engaged. It seems all my friends are now married or are on the verge of tying the knot. My last two friends that are married had only been with their husbands between seven to nine months before their men proposed. Which made me think now is almost the time to perhaps take that next step. I don't want to read into anything but I think that my SO might be thinking along the same lines. Just that lately he has gotten me expensive gifts. For my birthday in Jan he got me a Wii, with Wii Fit/board and a game that was $69 (bless him for leaving the tag on ) which was a bit overwhelming. Then this week he surprised me with an iPod nano for V-day. Well I thanked him for the beautiful gifts (my generic mp3 player was literally falling apart). Most would be happy with this but a little bit for me was I rather a cheap ring then the expensive presents. I am gratful with the gifts just rather he spent the money on a ring for me. We have talked of weddings and rings etc. His pinkie is the same size as my ring finger which is freaky lol. So he knows what size a ring would be for me. I told him I was going to get him a ring for his birthday to which he replied that he was intenitonally shocked and felt weird by the idea. Though he changed his tune when he thought of possiblities for the ring as a project that he can do as a wedding ring. Again I told him that we could pretend to be engaged so we could both attend a cousin's wedding and he balked at the idea and said it made him feel uncomfortable. I know it might sound like I'm whinging but five years is a long time and we are living together now. I don't care for a fancy wedding, just would like to have a ring that means that we are now preparing to take the last step. The other night I was talking to my married friend online and typed "Five years and no ring; it feels like a joke that we are not engaged." SO read it and didn't say anything. Just carried on our morning conversation as normal. So what should I do, just pan it out and wait to see what happens. Or have a heart to heart with him? I spoke to another cousin of mine who said that if he isn't going to give me a ring, that I should just leave him. But she is only 14 so not handy getting advice from a fourteen year old lol. Link to post Share on other sites
WDrake_98 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Hey Haruka, Your situation is sticky. 5 years is a long time. I would have not waited that long. But you have, so we have to work with that. Now, the part where he ignored your comment about "5 years and no ring" could be that he's either not interested or that he's already got something planned. Either way, I fee like you have the right to seek a peaceful and stressless life. So how about just being upfront with him and ask him. Tell HIM how you feel, (as opposed to your married friend). See how he responds. Look him in the eye. On a side note, are you looking for a ring or a marriage? Try not to get caught up in the whoopla of rings and weddings details. Both are materialist and shouldn't have any impact on a successful marriage. Is HE the one for you??? That's the question I'm asking myself about my bf. He's a good bf. Kind hearted, loving and will take care of me. But there are other traits about him that make ME seriously question whether I want to marry HIM. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatlady Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 If you want to get married, why not ask him to marry you? Why must it be the man who proposes? No reason today why a woman can't do it. If you are feeling ready, then ask. CCL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haruka Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Thanks for your responses, WD yes I understand the whole hoopla over the ring and wedding. I admit I got a bit jealous over my friends all getting engaged and I'm still bare fingered lol. I know it is marterialistc but it is something that I think most girls have thought of when they were little. We have discussed our future and it seems bright, we both want the same things and two months ago he told me he wants me to have his baby. Which was a shock lol. The iPod thing made me think of why he would give it to me so early. He said do you want it now and I said no wait till sunday but he actually pressed me to open it then and there. I know it was rude to ask if there was anything else he was going to get me for V-Day and he said no. :shrugs: Oh cat lady, I guess it is because I'm old fashioned and perhaps I would like to hear the words come from his mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 If you want to get married, why not ask him to marry you? Why must it be the man who proposes? No reason today why a woman can't do it. If you are feeling ready, then ask. CCL My wife asked me to marry her. After she (unexpectedly) proposed to me she simply placed her class ring on my ring finger (after I excitedly accepted)... I went out and bought her a proper diamond ring a few days later - and she ended up getting me a diamond wedding band also - I wore it as an engagement ring. 17 years later she's still the one; no regrets! Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 The other piece of input I have for you, one that I truly believe: As soon as you can come to a place where you no longer need and expect him to ask you to marry him (a lot to ask of you, I know), he will sense it, at least in the back of his mind... then all of a sudden the chemistry will change - he will have a burning desire to ask you the question, we will need and want you in that way. The odd part is, if you are insincere about not needing to be married, it will not work. Once you no longer feel the need, and are truly content being a boyfriend / girlfriend couple, then all of a sudden, things happen... Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I wouldn't have waited five years; three or four would be my maximum. It doesn't sound like he's interested in marrying you because he's ignoring your hints and has already said he feels "weirded out" by the idea of a ring. Why do you have to pretend to be engaged just so you can go to a cousin's wedding together? Can't you still go as a couple if you're not engaged? It seems kind of weird to pretend to all your family that you're engaged when you're not. Won't they wonder what's going on when you're suddenly engaged without anyone knowing, and then the following day you're suddenly un-engaged? Link to post Share on other sites
Disintegration Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 It sounds like he isn't exactly ready. He may be scared to make a life changing decision. Some males just take longer than others. 5 years can be a long time however it also depends on your age at the moment. If you are young then that might have something to do with it. I don't feel that there has to be a time-line of when a couple gets married some wait 1,2,5,10 or even 14 years to tie the knot. Others wait as little as 4 months! You BOTH have to want it at the same time otherwise he may feel like you are pressuring him. If he is the one you want to spend your life with then you might have to wait a little longer, or possibly go on with your life without him. You might want to talk to him about your relationship,where you are now and what you want/expect in the future. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatlady Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I just wonder why women wait to be asked. I know its old fashion and they want to hear they are desired etc. But why isn't it acceptable for the guy to feel the same way? Maybe he desires to hear he is wanted. Take control of your own destiny and ask. CCL Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 With due respect, if I were your BF I would find some of your behaviors annoying - ie after getting an iPod, asking if you're getting MORE for V-Day; and whining to a friend in plain sight of your SO instead of directly engaging him in a conversation... both of these would be a big turnoff for me. But then, you're not dating me. At this point I think your BF would have to be EXTREMELY dense to not know what you want. I would suggest backing off entirely, not mentioning marriage or rings or engagements or weddings at all. Give yourself some internal deadline, like: "I'll wait 6 more months, but if there's no engagement by then, I'm moving on." More broadly it sounds like you two have communication problems. You're not clearly articulating your needs, and you seem not to be hearing him very clearly either (from the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like your BF wants to be married at all...). Good luck with things... Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married (by March, we are married for 7 years). I was 21 and he was 23. Even after 5 years, we both felt that we were too young (I was 26 and he was only 28), we were actually one of the first who got married in our circle of friends. One thing for sure, I'd say 90% of men are commitment phobic. There was no question that my husband really loved me then (the stuff he did etc) but in order for him to take the next step at such a young age (for men), I know it's a big step for him. However, I got my promise ring 2 years into our relationship, then he gave me engagement ring 4 year into the relationship. The engagement ring was huge for him and the poor guy even sweat a bit when he gave me that (and I'm sure it's not because he's afraid that I said no because he knows I would say YES YES YES). If you are still young and same for him, then perhaps, he's just like most men, not ready to settle down at such a young age. If not, then perhaps, he's not that into you. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Also, is he financially ready and are you financially ready as well? I think women go with feelings but sometimes for men, they are very practical when it comes to 2 become 1 . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haruka Posted February 13, 2010 Author Share Posted February 13, 2010 Thanks for your replies, my age is 26 and he is almost 36. Money could be an issue but I told him I don't want an expensive white wedding. To me just go to a registery is fine with me. I do like the idea that I should back off hinting etc I did tell my cousin I'm going to give it a year and if nothing surpasses I will just not bother at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I just wonder why women wait to be asked. I know its old fashion and they want to hear they are desired etc. But why isn't it acceptable for the guy to feel the same way? Maybe he desires to hear he is wanted. Take control of your own destiny and ask. CCL The majority of men would feel emasculated by this. It's usually a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I would at least wait until after Valentine's - he may have something planned. Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I would just be straight up with him and tell him you want to be married in the next year and then see what he says. There are plenty of men who will drag a woman along for years knowing full well she wants marriage and knowing he has no intentions of marrying her. He doesn't have much incentive to marry you when you are already giving him everything a wife would. Oh and don't have a baby with him until you are married. If he was younger, I could cut him some slack but he is almost 40 years old and he definitely knows if he plans to marry you or not. I really don't think you should waste another year with him if he has no intentions of marrying you. What would miraculously happen in one year? Nothing , except wasting more of your precious time. Give him a couple of months and then go your separate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Thanks for your replies, my age is 26 and he is almost 36. Money could be an issue but I told him I don't want an expensive white wedding. To me just go to a registery is fine with me. I do like the idea that I should back off hinting etc I did tell my cousin I'm going to give it a year and if nothing surpasses I will just not bother at all. Yep, give it a year and see where it takes. 27 is very very young, if after a year nothing happens, then perhaps you need to start exploring your options. My ex roommate has been dating her b.f for 14 years and she's 32 now. She's been waiting for the ring and I couldn't bring myself to tell her to get out (as I don't know if she will be happy alone). I know one of the reason is money as her b.f only recently got a stable job and had been struggling for years. But still, 14 years is a long time. Have you seen the movie 500 days of Summer? I wonder if he's a Summer....if so, then you might need to find your Autumn. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I think some guys like a challenge for all the customary display of asking a woman to marry them to be interesting to them. When my husband started with the ambiguous future talk, I told him I didn't really think marriage was necessary (true for me anyway) and that if I were to ever contemplate marriage, it would be for nothing less than a bended knee proposal. It was mostly a joke on my part, but to my surprise, he took it seriously. He proposed in less than six months on a bridge in Central Park with a custom ring. We usually find ourselves on the same page in most situations, but I have this sneaking suspicion that if I had started in with the hint dropping and pushing for it, it would have happened differently. But that's easier for me to say as I honestly didn't care if we married or not. I entered into the relationship knowing he felt he never wanted to get married. It would probably be harder for someone who is all about getting married, to not pressure a partner with a long time table or reluctance for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
SimplyBeingLoved Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 I know it sounds strange because your desires are the same as most women your age in your situation (and similar to the my desires at your age too). But I really would focus on knowing why you want to get married. Because years from now, things will be different. Do not get married because most friends your age are getting married. While it seems like a reasonable "thing to do" that reason alone is a weak reason. Most people get married for social validation but find years later that they didn't marry someone who would be compatible for a lifetime. Don't get married because "time is running out." You are young you have a lot of time. You'll have all the time in the world if you find out that you're stuck married to the wrong guy. This is just my opinion but marriage should not be used to secure or deepen a relationship, but more to outwardly express the fact that a relationship already *has* reached a significant level of depth and security. Do you have that now with your BF? I would focus on the deep love and compatibility you already have in your relationship. If you get married, great, if not, well, if you're already with the one you love, what's a piece of paper, really? Marriage will not change that. Do not get married to make things better or to "perk things up". It doesn't work. It's just like having kids will not fix a humdrum marriage. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 It's a bad idea to pressure, most men would get turned off by that. Obviously he knows that is what you want, because you have made it clear. Pressuring is only going to push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 Haruka, some food for thought for you. A long time ago my brother dated this girl for 7 years. She was madly in love with him, he was just so-so with her. After 7 years he started feeling pressure from family and friends to marry her, for obvious reasons. He hemmed and hawed and beat around the bush, then one day finally relented and married her. Six WEEKS later he asked her for a divorce, deeply apologized to her and said he only married her because he'd felt so much pressure from everyone. He just didn't love her enough to be her husband. About a year later he married another woman, and they now have been together for almost 30 years. I have no idea what is in this man's heart for you. He may love you very much, but just has no interest in marrying you, or anyone else for that matter ... ever. Five years is a LOT of investment for you, and I believe that entitles you to sit his butt down and have a conversation about it. If he says he has no intentions of ever marrying, well, you have to decide if that is something you can live with or not. But really ... don't get yourself stuck in the trap of wanting to get married just because everyone else is, or you think it's just 'the right thing to do.' Good luck to you sweetie HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 It's a bad idea to pressure, most men would get turned off by that. Obviously he knows that is what you want, because you have made it clear. Pressuring is only going to push him away. So what if it does. If he really cares and wants to be with her he will step up. If it pushes him away, then he was just playing games in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 So what if it does. If he really cares and wants to be with her he will step up. If it pushes him away, then he was just playing games in the first place What do you mean "so what if it does"... How do you respond to pressure? How does it make you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 What do you mean "so what if it does"... How do you respond to pressure? How does it make you feel? If it was important to me I would step up. If not important I'd run away. Pressure on the job to do something or get something done, I'll step up and get it done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haruka Posted February 14, 2010 Author Share Posted February 14, 2010 Well everyone has a vaild point. I'm giving up on the engagement idea for now, we spent V-Day with my cousin and her boyfriend (different cousin). We all went out for Lattes at a cafe and my So and I went for a walk holding hands and kisses. I don't want to pressure him and who knows he might in fact propose in July. Our anniversary. It is just good to see people's advice and glad to see a few that understand where I am coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
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