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Hi, I’m a new member here looking for some unbiased advice to my situation.

 

My Wife and I have been married for 9 years with little conflict between us. We currently have 2 amazing children age 6 and 2.Here’s the situation. When we got married both of us smoked cigarettes as it was the thing to do within our circle of friends. When my wife got pregnant with our first child she quit smoking for obvious reasons and I also quit as I felt inside that it would be an unhealthy and disgusting to her. The both of us continued to be smoke free for 4 years and things were great. When her Father passed away she began to smoke again and I understood why and just nodded my head.

 

As time passed she continued smoking and I raised my concerns against it only to be met with harsh arguments stating that I cannot control her and lots of couples have only one spouse smoking. The auguring got worse so we started seeing a marriage therapist, we reconnected and things got better.

 

Within 1 year she asked me if her mom could move in and if it’s something she wanted I agreed. Note: Her mom is a smoker and it was understood that it would only happen outside or in the garage. However her mom would sneak a cigarette inside the house when we were at work, then it started when we were home. I discussed this with my wife and she confronted her mom and the situation subsided for a while.

 

My wife and I both agreed that we wanted a second child and she said to me “I don’t want to be a smoker for the rest of my life and getting pregnant will help me quit” and that’s what we did.

 

2 Years later, things are great again with our newest edition, always on the go and having fun. Still having difficulty with the mother in law smoking in the house but my wife and I would have to remind her constantly and I was getting extremely upset with the situation but did not want to put pressure on my wife so I let her handle it on her time line.

 

Then my wife seemed distant so I tried asking her what’s wrong with a simple reply “things are fine”. But they were not, I she started smelling smoke and a crap load of perfume on her. Needless to say I was upset and felt hurt that she would start smoking again especially given our current situation with the mother in lawn smoking and she knew how upset I was towards this.

 

Currently things between my wife and I are not so good, things seem very distant between us. I have expressed my concerns that I have a difficult time sharing hugs, kisses and a bed with someone who smells like cigarettes. Being an ex smoker myself I know it’s a difficult addiction and me asking her to quit is just another argument waiting to happen but now I feel like things are coming to an end.

 

I know it’s not about me but how could someone start a nasty habit for the 2nd time knowing how much their spouse is against it.

 

Any advice?

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Since that is your house. I would tell the MIL to quit smoking inside or move out. Simple as that. She should be appreciative of your letting her live there. Why should you expose yourself, your children and your home to these dangerous chemicals. There was just a study out today about 3rd hand smoke and how it clings to curtains and rugs and nothing will get rid of it. It is even more harmful to children than 2nd hand smoke. Tell them to smoke outside for your baby's sake. They can't argue with that.

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The only conflict here should be, the smoking inside of the house.

 

That is a no-no, especially around children. And, it should also be something that the children do not readily see. I smoke, my mother smokes, and my sister does from time-to-time (her husband isn't a smoker but he sometimes has one or two). And it is never done inside the house, always outside, and we do NOT let their kids see when we do.

 

You both smoked going into this marriage, and you've quit, which is terrific.

 

But, your wife did not, so I really really hope, that you understand that her smoking is her issue with herself and that you do not make it an issue within your marriage.

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His house......get real. :mad: They are married, it's their house, not his, not hers, but THEIR house.

 

With regards to the mother in law, which is who the previous poster was referring to, it is emphatically NOT her house. She is being afforded the privilege of living in the OP's and his wife's house as a courtesy and because of the OP's love for his wife, and she is abusing her privileges there. I agree that he is within his rights to inform her that if she does not stop smoking in the house, she will be asked to look for other accomodations; after all, those were the conditions she agreed to when she was allowed to move in. I'd be right PO'd if I rearranged my life to take my own MIL in and she didn't even have the courtesy to abide by simple house rules, particularly ones which could adversely affect the health of her grandkids. EDIT: unless...is it possible she is too elderly/infirm to make it outside sometimes? Or that she suffers from any dementia?

 

As for the wife's smoking...you can't control what she does, you can only enforce boundaries around the kids. In other words, as long as she's doing it outside, there's not a lot you can rightfully say. You might not like it that she smokes, and I am an ex-smoker myself and I do understand, but she is her own person and obviously has different issues and struggles with quitting than you do. Frankly, the distance you describe between the two of you is concerning and if I were you I would concentrate on that. Sit your wife down for a heart-to-heart, tell her that you will try to be less controlling of her smoking and lighten up about it if she will tell you if that is what has made her retreat from you, and if it's not, ask her what IS wrong. Ask her if she thinks you need to address problems differently, or if she needs a romantic weekend away, or if she thinks a short intensive course of couples counseling would be a good idea to clear the air. Because let me tell you, her smoking again and retreating from you and acting distant is a big red flag that she is UNHAPPY and you barely seem to even register that it's waving right in your face.

Edited by Stung
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His house......get real. :mad: They are married, it's their house, not his, not hers, but THEIR house.

 

 

 

It is THEIR house, but it isn't the MILs. She would have to go if she couldn't abide by the rules.

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MIL - Sounds like it's gone on long enough without the result you want. Time for you to step in and be firm rather than leaving it to your wife to handle.

 

Wife - Her smoking is her issue. You have no right or valid reason to make this an issue in your marriage, or cause fights about it. You quit - good for you. That does not mean she has to as well.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Author

Update:

 

My mother in law and I had a heated discussion about the smoking in our house. She denied everything so i asked her to explain the ashes all over her coffee table... so we argued but i was not letting down. 1 week later we started talking again and the smoking has stopped.

 

As for my wife's smoking...this is where I'm having the greatest problems as I was born with one of those over sensitive noses. The second she walks in the door it triggers my senses and rips me up inside...gets me upset the she would put our marriage thru this for a second time. In general we have had a great marriage and I would love to fix this (I know typical man) but this is a road block that keeps getting bigger every week.

 

My biggest personal problem with the smoking is

 

1, I've always enjoyed holding and kissing her but due to the cigarettes I can't get close.

 

2, It is creating a distance between us and thats not good.

 

3, She is constantly coughing and tired all the time...I think she's close to depression again.

 

any suggestions?

 

do i just accept it or should i let her know how upset this action makes me.

 

Thanks

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SoConfusledandHurt

I for one can relate to how you feel. When my fiance and I got together we were both smoking. He told me he liked it and really didnt see a reason to quit. Of course I had no total say, We were just dating at that time. Then we moved in together and our smoking got out of control. Ive been smoking for about 10 years and the same for him. We were chain smoking every night and did for 1.5 yrs. I was talking to him about how hard its been on me and that I didnt feel well and wanted to think about quitting. Initially he told me that he was leaning that way too. When we thought about the money we could save and our health it was a good decision and we quit. He had a really hard time, but I couldnt tell at first. I was doing really well and was feeling very positive about quitting. We had a fight when he decided to buy ciggs to smoke on the vacation to my sister's house. I was really mad because we decided not to buy any a couple days before when we talked about it. He bought them anyway. I will admit that looking back I probably reacted quite harsh. I was furious and let him know it. We had a bad vacation and almost broke up. But he continued to smoke. It was soooo hard for me to smell it. It stunk and at the same time it made me want to smoke too. I finally broke down. I started smoking again. Was fine for awhile chain smoking with him. The I was going to be having surgery and had to quit for 2 weeks prior to my surgery. That was no problem, even with him continuing to smoke. Until a few days after my surgery when he told me that I had pushed him into quitting and that he was going to smoke whether I liked it or not. What could I do? So I just said ok. 1.5 weeks later I was back to smoking too. Finally now. We are still smoking but talking about quitting next month. He seems really into it. And he talks about it more than me. So he promises not to blame me for making him quit again, that was really unfair...because he talked about quitting for 2 months prior to our first quit and was so excited about all the money we would be saving.

 

Im really afraid that he is going to start again. I have such a weakness for ciggs that I certainly couldnt live with a smoker, who was my spouse, and not smoke too. Ive lived with others and had no problem...so we shall see how it goes...

 

But I totally feel your frustration. Its sooo hard.

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JaneInVegas

Based on my own experience, I think you're going to have to decide whether or not you want to stay married to a smoker or not. You sound like you want to make the best of things, and I hope you do. I hate to see marriages split up when there's kids involved.

 

I would tell the MIL to quit smoking inside, or find somewhere else to live. It's very disrespectful to ignore other people's house rules.

 

You can't make your wife quit, as you well know, she has to want to on her own. I made the mistake of nagging the hell out of my ex to quit and it just made things miserable.

 

Good luck ... smokers seem to be a very stubborn bunch of people.

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You know, you could remove "smoking" from the OP's post and substitute "weight gain" or "video game addiction" or any of the other issues that come between spouses. Get out your marriage vows and review the "for better or worse" clause because it's there to remind you that you have to accept the other person, faults and all.

As for my wife's smoking...this is where I'm having the greatest problems as I was born with one of those over sensitive noses. The second she walks in the door it triggers my senses and rips me up inside...gets me upset the she would put our marriage thru this for a second time. In general we have had a great marriage and I would love to fix this (I know typical man) but this is a road block that keeps getting bigger every week.

This is where you're starting to sound a little "holier than thou". C'mon, "over sensitive nose"? You seem to forget that for years you were a smoker yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Your MIL is unbelievably selfish and stupid.... How can she smoke inside the house where her young grandchildren sleep ? Most animals care for their young better than this...

 

As for your wife - or any other smoker - you can never make her quit, she will either do so out of her own will or not at all.

 

Smoking inside the house where non-smokers and kids live is simply unacceptable - she can have a pre-decided number of cigs per day (at designated times), once she had cut down considerably - she can quit easier, or maybe continue smoking to a bare min...

 

Of course if she's depressed she would be less motivated - so maybe the smoking is a symptom...?

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Smoking near children (or in the same house as children) is extremely irresponsible and harmful. I can't believe your wife and your mother in law would put the children in danger like that.

 

Smokers have a 50% chance of dying from it, so most likely, either your wife or her mother or both of them will die from it, putting a huge emotional and financial strain on you and the children.

 

Also, it's disgusting. Look, quitting smoking is hard--you know that--but lots of people have managed it. I don't think it's too much to expect from your wife that she quit smoking for the safety of her children and to improve physical relations with her husband.

 

As for your MIL, you can't ask that she quit, but you absolutely can ask that she only smoke outside or she's out. And your wife should back you up.

 

If this isn't happening, I don't think you're overreacting to consider divorce.

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Any advice?

well to put things in perspective she could be doing things a lot worse such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, sprending wrecklessly, fooling around on you, blah blah blah

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