Almost sexless Marriage

[wilflwr1970]

"It's difficult to be married to a wonderful man whom I love and respect, yet he has little interest in intimacy. We sleep together but apart with this white elephant in the room for 7 of our 9 yr marriage, with occasional sex. We get along well, share similar interests, and rarely argue unless it’s about sex! But in the bedroom, the deep sadness I feel has become more than I can bare. Everyone thinks we're this perfect couple, and it's all a sham. I've had several deep heart to heart talks with him about my needs (including prior to being married that this is and will be a very important part of marriage for me (deal breaker) and he absolutely agreed he felt similar!) only to have a loving, polite "we'll work on this" to a downright "I just have never been very interested in sex so he has no motivation to change response, and no change in the relationship at all. I feel betrayed and broken!! Being lovingly ignored is agony, and to know that he is my soul mate in every other way is killing me! There is no place to release my frustration. I have finally accepted the fact that my husband and I are just wired differently. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means he shows love differently and has different needs than I do. Having said that, it also doesn't mean I can live like this for another 9 years I just can’t live in a sexless marriage. That's where the sadness comes in. I don't want to leave him and give up the life we've built together, but this is a big part of life for me, and not having it is a big price to pay." I am lost and confused as to what I can do other then leave which I don’t want!! Is there any real help!!!

[FryFish]

It is odd that his sex drive would be lower than yours. A few scenarios come to mind:

1. Is he on any kind of performance hindering medications? How long has he been on them?

 

2. Is there a chance that he is getting it somewhere else?

 

3. Have you gained a good amount of weight since year two?

[Angel1111]

I've had several deep heart to heart talks with him about my needs (including prior to being married that this is and will be a very important part of marriage for me (deal breaker) and he absolutely agreed he felt similar!) only to have a loving, polite "we'll work on this" to a downright "I just have never been very interested in sex so he has no motivation to change response, and no change in the relationship at all. I feel betrayed and broken!!

 

You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. Why was this such an issue before marriage that you felt compelled to talk about it, even to the point of saying that the lack of a good sex life would be a dealbreaker? That's an odd conversation to have out of the blue.

 

But, you answered your own question - you warned him in advance that this would not be acceptable to you, that it was a dealbreaker, and he misrepresented himself and made you think that it wouldn't be a problem.

 

And, btw, he's not your soulmate if this is how he makes you feel.

[Jeff1962]

I'm kind of in the same boat. Not totally sexless but it sure could be more frequent. When we do it's always the same old thing, never tries anything new. Sigh.

 

You feel hurt, lonely, question wether you are normal. You question wether you are still sexy, wonder about other people. Feel as if no one knows how you feel. Trapped, frustrated. Angry, confused. Undesirable. As if your spouse will not listen to you, as if they could care less about your feelings. You feel emotionally and physically alone. Sometimes you just want to scream FU*K me now! You miss being touched in that way so bad that you think you are going to go crazy at times. It pretty much sucks.

 

I too love my wife dearly, she is my soul mate as well. I don't want to leave her either. We get along, we laugh a lot. Have a lot of the same interests, she is my friend. The thought of leaving her is not very plesant.

 

We are not a great match in the bedroom though. I want it more frequently, want to try different positions. She does not.

 

I have no plans to cheat. I respect my wife and the bond that we have. I know how you feel. Like I said, I don't want to leave her but I'm a young man, I have my whole life ahead of me. Is this as good as it's going to get? I deserve to have a fulfilling sex life with someone that cares about me.

 

I have come to the realization that my wife MIGHT not be the one that I spend the rest of my life with because of what I have described above. You might want to prepare yourself for this as well. Not saying that this IS going to happen but it is a possibility.

 

If he is healthy and not on any meds that might hinder his drive you might have his testerone level checked. If everything checks out, you might consider counseling.

 

Good luck, you are not alone.

[Lovelybird]

You rarely argue? is this because you hardly being candid with each other and avoid being real, or you two really think that much alike?

 

There is possibility that your husband doesn't feel connected with you on emotional level, besides the possibility that he has low sex drive.

[confused39]

Wow...I could have written this word for word about my marriage.

 

Please, folks...please respond with suggestions, experiences, advice...

[Jeff1962]

Wow...I could have written this word for word about my marriage.

 

Please, folks...please respond with suggestions, experiences, advice...

 

I've tried to talk to my wife. I've even been brutally honest that our lack of sex was making me start to see other women in a sexual nature. Of course she freaked out. At first she started to show me more attention, things did not improve in the bedroom though.

 

Talk. If it works then great. If not, only you can make the next decision. I have come to the conclusion that my wife and I are not sexually compatable. I'm getting myself together for me. I have a decision to make.

[confused39]

I have talked...and talked...and talked. I've gotten mad. I've gotten seductive. I've been point blank. Like the OP, this was an issue before marriage as well. I don't know why I thought things would change after marriage.

 

I want to be desired sexually. I'm 42, not 72. At 72, mine would be a completely wonderful marriage.

 

I don't want to leave either, OP. So what do we do?

[Angel1111]

I have talked...and talked...and talked. I've gotten mad. I've gotten seductive. I've been point blank. Like the OP, this was an issue before marriage as well. I don't know why I thought things would change after marriage.

 

I want to be desired sexually. I'm 42, not 72. At 72, mine would be a completely wonderful marriage.

 

I don't want to leave either, OP. So what do we do?

 

Things do change after marriage - issues that exist before marriage are magnified after marriage. No one ever really wants to leave a marriage, sometimes it just becomes necessary for your own peace of mind. If you've already decided that you aren't going to leave, then you must learn to live with your choice and accept the fact that sex will always be lacking in your life. Pretty soon, it'll be non-existent. In a few years, I'm afraid that you'll be back on this site talking about the affair you're having. I understand your delimna though. I'm not sure what I'd do, either, in this situation.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Angel1111

[HeyThere]

So for the first two years you got you needs met then zippo? What happened, why did sex fall off so drastically?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

"It's difficult to be married to a wonderful man whom I love and respect, yet he has little interest in intimacy. We sleep together but apart with this white elephant in the room for 7 of our 9 yr marriage, with occasional sex. We get along well, share similar interests, and rarely argue unless it’s about sex! But in the bedroom, the deep sadness I feel has become more than I can bare. Everyone thinks we're this perfect couple, and it's all a sham. I've had several deep heart to heart talks with him about my needs (including prior to being married that this is and will be a very important part of marriage for me (deal breaker) and he absolutely agreed he felt similar!) only to have a loving, polite "we'll work on this" to a downright "I just have never been very interested in sex so he has no motivation to change response, and no change in the relationship at all. I feel betrayed and broken!! Being lovingly ignored is agony, and to know that he is my soul mate in every other way is killing me! There is no place to release my frustration. I have finally accepted the fact that my husband and I are just wired differently. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means he shows love differently and has different needs than I do. Having said that, it also doesn't mean I can live like this for another 9 years I just can’t live in a sexless marriage. That's where the sadness comes in. I don't want to leave him and give up the life we've built together, but this is a big part of life for me, and not having it is a big price to pay." I am lost and confused as to what I can do other then leave which I don’t want!! Is there any real help!!!

 

First confused39 have to ask are you male or female. OP, how old are you, as that too can answer some questions? When you say 7 of 9 years, how long were you together prior to marriage and while you say was good, sounds like it has never been exactly what you expected. The fact you discussed it prior to marriage tells me there was a divide.

 

Also I am jumping to the conclusion there are no children, no weight gain, no meds..... Any money, work issues????

 

Also as a male, I know what I consider sexless and what is healthy, but would help to know what you think is a normal sex life? One could consider a sexless marriage at 1X/week, another 2X/yr...... Me I consider normal 1-2X's/wk (dreaming about more).......

 

Also I will throw it out, and I am true to my screen name that is he "gay"? Sorry a sexless marriage for a male, I seldom jump to the affair conclusion when a spouse tries to seduce the spouse, I throw out the gay card....

 

You see a loving relationship is much more then a good friendship. Everything you describe about him, sounds no different then a close female friend....

Edited February 3, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Angel1111]

You see a loving relationship is much more then a good friendship. Everything you describe about him, sounds no different then a close female friend....

 

This is exactly what I was thinking - they just act like good buddies. Someone once described love as 'friendship caught on fire'. There's no fire here, no passion - just friendship.

[confused39]

Don't want to threadjack. Sure hope she comes back and continues to post, as I'm living her life and want to see what you all have to say.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is exactly what I was thinking - they just act like good buddies. Someone once described love as 'friendship caught on fire'. There's no fire here, no passion - just friendship.

 

Sometimes.... and sometimes it happens the opposite way.....

 

Also why do you think I pulled the "gay" card (fairly or unfairly)....

[cuppa]

same boat....been in near sexless marriage for 7 years too and I share the same feeling. here is my long thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217781/

 

In my case, I got meltdowns and I gave him ultimatum last week (I move out or we seek counselling). He chose counselling. So we will go to our marriage counselling this week.

 

I too have a much higher sex drive than him but I think I'm willing to compromise to 1X a week. I too try everything (seduction, compliance, submission, etc) but the fact remains that he loves me but he's not passionately in love with me.

 

If you feel miserable then I say, shake the boat. More than just lets have heart to heart conversation.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

same boat....been in near sexless marriage for 7 years too and I share the same feeling. here is my long thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217781/

 

In my case, I got meltdowns and I gave him ultimatum last week (I move out or we seek counselling). He chose counselling. So we will go to our marriage counselling this week.

 

I too have a much higher sex drive than him but I think I'm willing to compromise to 1X a week. I too try everything (seduction, compliance, submission, etc) but the fact remains that he loves me but he's not passionately in love with me.

 

If you feel miserable then I say, shake the boat. More than just lets have heart to heart conversation.

 

Hope things are better.... I hope the OP shares the same honesty as you did.... Somehow I think this is much different then your situation. Something does not sit right here.

[Jeff1962]

I've tried several different approaches. They don't work. I've come to the conclusion that it's either there or it isn't. Sometimes people's sexual drive changes I guess. The other spouse is left wondering what to do.

 

In the past 2 weeks I've had 2 very nice looking women come on to me. Their intentions were made very clear by them. I turned them both down because I love my wife. It was not hard to turn them down because of my love for my wife, I do not want to betray her. It was after the fact that I got a little depressed because I so want to be touched in that way. A part of me was screaming inside, fool, fool, they are hot, you are lonely. Just can't do it.

 

So, whadaya do?!

[mem11363]

Jeff,

Your approach - to be nicer/sweeter more loving - most of us told you that would fail. You are unwilling to have real conflict over this and that is why you are making no progress. And conflict does not mean complaining to your wife. Women are programmed to tolerate a near infinite amount of whining without being adversely affected - it is why they are so good with young kids - you are simply not willing to do things that would make her upset.

 

Deprioritize her - start doing more and more stuff that you want and less and less stuff that she wants. Love her LESS. But be extra fun to be around. Yes that is the simple formula. Be MORE attractive / fun / playful (not sexual though) and LESS available. It really does work. At a certain point she will think - damn he is really fun to be around but he is slowly phasing me out of his life and she will drag you into bed to reconnect with you emotionally. And when that happens you need to totally resist the impulse to get overly lovey and gooey. You can be nice but NOT clingy. Women Hate clingy.

 

And then you have to find the balance. Too close and she shuts off. Too indifferent and she will eventually give up. But there is a place - in terms of emotional distance where she will sexually pursue you.

 

 

I've tried several different approaches. They don't work. I've come to the conclusion that it's either there or it isn't. Sometimes people's sexual drive changes I guess. The other spouse is left wondering what to do.

 

In the past 2 weeks I've had 2 very nice looking women come on to me. Their intentions were made very clear by them. I turned them both down because I love my wife. It was not hard to turn them down because of my love for my wife, I do not want to betray her. It was after the fact that I got a little depressed because I so want to be touched in that way. A part of me was screaming inside, fool, fool, they are hot, you are lonely. Just can't do it.

 

So, whadaya do?!

[cuppa]

I've tried several different approaches. They don't work. I've come to the conclusion that it's either there or it isn't. Sometimes people's sexual drive changes I guess. The other spouse is left wondering what to do.

 

In the past 2 weeks I've had 2 very nice looking women come on to me. Their intentions were made very clear by them. I turned them both down because I love my wife. It was not hard to turn them down because of my love for my wife, I do not want to betray her. It was after the fact that I got a little depressed because I so want to be touched in that way. A part of me was screaming inside, fool, fool, they are hot, you are lonely. Just can't do it.

 

So, whadaya do?!

 

Same boat ...for the past 6.5 years, I never noticed anyone but my husband. But the past 6 months, I actually change a bit. I start noticing other men and of course, maybe they get a vibe from me or something before I got approached a lot more often in the past 6 months. I have some people (random or coworker) want to take me out for intimate dinner or coffee. Even at the club last week, I got approached at least by 10 men (or more) and have to say that some of them were quite nice looking.

 

But I do love my husband a lot and I saw the infidelity forum, how heartbreaking it was to cope with betrayal so I try my hardest to be very very good. I want to be a good mom. Besides, if things don't work out, I want to be wined & dined and meet a very decent man, not to have a random hookup with some guys.

[Jeff1962]

Jeff,

Your approach - to be nicer/sweeter more loving - most of us told you that would fail. You are unwilling to have real conflict over this and that is why you are making no progress. And conflict does not mean complaining to your wife. Women are programmed to tolerate a near infinite amount of whining without being adversely affected - it is why they are so good with young kids - you are simply not willing to do things that would make her upset.

 

Deprioritize her - start doing more and more stuff that you want and less and less stuff that she wants. Love her LESS. But be extra fun to be around. Yes that is the simple formula. Be MORE attractive / fun / playful (not sexual though) and LESS available. It really does work. At a certain point she will think - damn he is really fun to be around but he is slowly phasing me out of his life and she will drag you into bed to reconnect with you emotionally. And when that happens you need to totally resist the impulse to get overly lovey and gooey. You can be nice but NOT clingy. Women Hate clingy.

 

And then you have to find the balance. Too close and she shuts off. Too indifferent and she will eventually give up. But there is a place - in terms of emotional distance where she will sexually pursue you.

 

First, let me explain myself a little to you. I am the bad boy that your mother warned you about. I am still quite a bit of a bad boy but I am now a father and husband so I have calmed down quite a bit. I am still a bit of a bad boy. I'm a bad boy with good traits.

 

I am not all nicey, nicey, lovey dovey, let me kiss your a** dear. I am not clingy in any way, never have been. I can love you or tell you to piss off. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

 

I guess I must have really come off wrong in what I posted about wanting to be a better man FOR MYSELF. Guess I must have sounded like a push over. This just proves my point that a man is not supposed to share his deep feelings because he will be viewed as weak. Lol.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to enjoy my life for me. If this includes my wife then great because this is what I want. If not, her loss. I am doing exactly as you have said concerning being less available and more attractive. I'm reverting back to a bit of my bad boy self. She wanted to go out on a date tonite. I told her that I have plans to play poker with buddies. She was dissappointed but I'm not changing my plans to please her. If she had asked first before I made plans, I would have said yes. I told her maybe another nite and left it open.

 

Now she wants to know why I never call her anymore. I just told her that I have been busy and that I would try to call her later. I'm not into games. I have been busy, I have forced myself to not think about her or or issues quite so much. What happens, happens. Take care .

[Jeff1962]

Same boat ...for the past 6.5 years, I never noticed anyone but my husband. But the past 6 months, I actually change a bit. I start noticing other men and of course, maybe they get a vibe from me or something before I got approached a lot more often in the past 6 months. I have some people (random or coworker) want to take me out for intimate dinner or coffee. Even at the club last week, I got approached at least by 10 men (or more) and have to say that some of them were quite nice looking.

 

But I do love my husband a lot and I saw the infidelity forum, how heartbreaking it was to cope with betrayal so I try my hardest to be very very good. I want to be a good mom. Besides, if things don't work out, I want to be wined & dined and meet a very decent man, not to have a random hookup with some guys.

 

Do yourself a favor and remain faithful. Remain true to your virtues. There is a lot to be said about a woman with virtue. If thing's do not work out, you will find him.

[cuppa]

Do yourself a favor and remain faithful. Remain true to your virtues. There is a lot to be said about a woman with virtue. If thing's do not work out, you will find him.

 

yeah, now it's ok and getting better. I think I'm stronger now (thanks to my exercise and self defense classes too). But when I got my meltdown last November, I was not being myself. Like I was rude to people, got irritated easily, and also like sometimes lost control over my body (higher sex drive than ever, this was true and even my therapist warned me about this). I was blessed though because I had a group of close girl friends who support me, I told them that sometimes I feel like I couldn't control my body anymore. They took turn, kept me occupied every night and reminded me to be true to myself.

 

Reading the infidelity forum helped too ....it seems like nothing good ever come out of cheating except heartache, loss of self esteem, etc. All the heartache that the betrayed spouse went through, that helps too.

[Jeff1962]

yeah, now it's ok and getting better. I think I'm stronger now (thanks to my exercise and self defense classes too). But when I got my meltdown last November, I was not being myself. Like I was rude to people, got irritated easily, and also like sometimes lost control over my body (higher sex drive than ever, this was true and even my therapist warned me about this). I was blessed though because I had a group of close girl friends who support me, I told them that sometimes I feel like I couldn't control my body anymore. They took turn, kept me occupied every night and reminded me to be true to myself.

 

Reading the infidelity forum helped too ....it seems like nothing good ever come out of cheating except heartache, loss of self esteem, etc. All the heartache that the betrayed spouse went through, that helps too.

 

Thank yourself for a good group of close friends. I tip my hat to them for supporting you and not encouraging you to cheat. I'm right there with you. I do not surround myself with male friends that are ok with cheating.

 

 

I have however allowed myself this; the realization that my wife MAY not be the person that I am meant to be with for the remainder of my life. I sure hope that we stay together and that we can work thru our sexual issues because I love her, I want to stay with her. On the other hand, I am starting to prepare for the worst, for myself. In the end, we must be happy. To deny ourselves the basic of human instincts (sex) is just not healthy, nor fair. Keep us updated as will I.

[cuppa]

Thank yourself for a good group of close friends. I tip my hat to them for supporting you and not encouraging you to cheat. I'm right there with you. I do not surround myself with male friends that are ok with cheating.

 

 

I have however allowed myself this; the realization that my wife MAY not be the person that I am meant to be with for the remainder of my life. I sure hope that we stay together and that we can work thru our sexual issues because I love her, I want to stay with her. On the other hand, I am starting to prepare for the worst, for myself. In the end, we must be happy. To deny ourselves the basic of human instincts (sex) is just not healthy, nor fair. Keep us updated as will I.

 

That's what I realized too.I don't want to keep fixing myself to accomodate my marriage (hence the counseling). If my husband and I can't meet in the middle, I think it's better for me to move on before the kids come (because after kids, it will not be a near sexless marriage, it will be truly sexless marriage). But if we can meet in the middle, I think I can live with that.

 

But maybe you are right, either you have it or you don't. At this point, I just really need to understand the core reasons and if there is a resolution before I plan my next move.

[cuppa]

Hope things are better.... I hope the OP shares the same honesty as you did.... Somehow I think this is much different then your situation. Something does not sit right here.

 

My husband and I go on a lot of dates lately. The sparks are still missing but he makes a lot more efforts. We are very lovey dovey in some ways (like I'm being sweet to him more than before and he's very loving - we kiss at least 15 seconds or more everyday lol). The bedroom stuff is still the same (though it's my fault as much as his - it's probably best to wait for our counselling).

 

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I think I will be OK either way at this point. I still have my well paid job, financially independent, am blessed with a group of friends who are supportive, and I'm relatively young so I don't have to give up my dream to become a mom if things don't work out 3 months for now.