Marriage in Crisis

[SeaBreeze100]

Hi All,

 

Sorry this is going to be a very long post. But I really do need your advice.

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. He is Canadian and I am Australian. We met, fell in love, got married within 9 months. Most of the time he was in Canada and I was in Australia.

 

The warning signs were always there. I knew he could have a foul temper and be quite temperamental. But I was in a very bad work situation at that time and he seemed like my knight in shining armor coming to save me. I ignored the warning signs.

 

Once we were married, he moved to Australia. Within six weeks, I was desperate to get out. He then blamed his moodiness on his difficulty adjusting to Australia and we worked through it.

 

By the end of our first year of marriage, we'd had a couple of fairly major blues. But I still believed in him and worked through it. I should say at this point that sex had dwindled down to a once a week affair with me usually initiating.

 

In our second year of marriage, things got really bad. We went on vacation over easter and I had hoped a romantic B&B would help us really connect. Hmmm no. We had sex twice and one afternoon, while we were supposedly on a romantic walk, he told me that he was embarrassed to be seen with me because I was too fat. For the record, I was probably a size 12 then, but am usually a size 10. I was gutted. He then started making fat comments when we were having sex, really putting me down.

 

In our third year of marriage, we moved into a house we had to renovate. We had a couple of bad tradespeople, one of whom did serious damage to our car. I had picked the tradesperson, so my yelled at me so much that I think I had a miscarriage as a result. He did not help one iota with renovation or move, but it had to be perfect. He is a perfectionist and cannot accept anything else.

 

I started a University course around this time to escape him. He hates it when I see my friends and my active social life had disappeared. I used to have friends over for wonderful dinner parties and really enjoy being around people. He'd rather stay at home and complain about the world. I encouraged him to start an MBA so that he'd get out more.

 

Around this time I became pregnant. In my eight month of pregnancy, I went out once with him late to a church. I was given a blessing for the birth. He was in a foul mood, so he drove back home at breakneck speed dodging traffic like a maniac. I begged him to pull over, but he would not. I had a false labour that night.

 

After our son was born, things have gone from bad to worse. Our son had a medical condition that required him to be hospitalized a great deal. My husband has blamed me for the medical issues my son has had. Apparently it was all my fault. I've had to give up my job to look after our boy, but nothing I do is good enough.

 

Since our sons birth, my husband has hit me a couple of times. Once he cuffed me over the head while I was driving and he has grabbed and pushed me several times. We've stopped having sex.

 

His parents stayed with us for about a month. They were disgusted with his behaviour and now he blames me for poisoning them against him.

 

But my son loves him. I stopped fighting with him about a month ago when I saw my son sitting in a corner with his little toddler finger in his ears while his father and I argued. I think I've fallen out of love with my husband and am quite indifferent to him now. The only way I cope is by focusing on writing my novel and having fantasies about other men (v.sorry..but at least it stops me from tripping over the edge).

 

I want to know:

 

1. Is is possible to save my marriage?

2. Are there really marriages out there where people remain actively engaged and in love or is that just a myth?

 

BTW..my hubby does not drink nor does he womanize. But he is very irresponsible with money. I just don't know what to do.

[Lizzie60]

I don't get it.. why would you want to remain married to such a jerk??????

 

Divorce him ASAP.. move on with your son... he doesn't need a role model like that... he needs happiness and a serene environment...

 

A child is better is one parent at a time than two that just can't stand each other..

 

Your H is a jerk.. so he needs to be kicked to the curb... the sooner the better...

 

I very much doubt he will change... it only got worst and worst over the years.. don't wait for a tragedy to happen... honestly...

[cuppa]

 

Since our sons birth, my husband has hit me a couple of times. Once he cuffed me over the head while I was driving and he has grabbed and pushed me several times. We've stopped having sex.

 

And I thought I have bad marriage. RUN, leave now! Please, for the sake of your son. He's abusive and manipulative. You know this, that's why you wrote all these. Any man who ever hits his woman, that's a big NO.

 

Now, man like this can be quite violent especially if you are the one who dumps him.

 

1. Can you financially support yourself?

2. Do you have a support system? Your parents? Church? Your close friends?

 

Start planing your next move but do it quietly. Get your living arrangement, gather your support system, and if necessary, call domestic abuse hotline number, I am not sure if there is one in Australia but here, we have a special organization that can help woman in your situation. They might be able to help you through this, like just in case he gets violent when you tell him that you are leaving him.

 

But please, love yourself and your son, leave this abusive relationship.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Cuppa... get organized quietly... put money aside (cash).. then get some support from friends or family... don't get into any arguments... just stay low profile.. until everything is ready.. then leave..

 

OR

 

if you feel that your life or your son is in danger.. go to a women's shelter.. you'll get the help you need there.. and they will make sure your H can't go near you..

[dazzle22]

This sounds like the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy". Even his parents are disgusted with his behavior. That in and of itself should be enough of a reality check for you. Leave ASAP. Go somewhere safe. He sounds like stalker material, or worse. Sorry you have found yourself in such a nightmare.

[Citizen Erased]

He's abusive, I suggest if you wish to protect your son you leave him ASAP. This will only end badly if you do not leave before things get worse. And they always do.

[cuppa]

Well, it sounds pretty bad, but you must have seen something in him worth loving originally; you have a child with him; he's not cheating on you; so maybe it's worth trying to save the marriage.

 

You say there's not enough sex to suit you and he never initiates.

 

You also stated that on that Easter vacation he told you he thought you were too fat. And during sex etc.

 

That's kind of cruel on his part, but did you ever simply take what he was saying at face value? I.e. maybe you need to lose some weight, say 20-30 pounds. You would be more attractive to him and have more sex, maybe everyone would be happy again.

 

So why not try losing the weight and see what happens.

 

Are you serious? He hits her and handcuffed her while she's driving. He tried to isolate her from her social life & friends. He's perfectionist, he probably told her on how to hang the clothes perfectly or how to ensure that the spoons & forks lined up correctly when they are having dinner. He was driving like maniac while he was having an 8 month old pregnant wife next to him.

 

He's a classic abuser, manipulative. There is no amount of efforts that the OP can put to fix this. He will only get worst. I know guys like this....I used to help women shelter near my area and if OP doesn't act fast, this can only end in tragedy or OP will get so beaten down by the end, she will have no shred of self esteem and self worth due to years of abuse from her husband.

 

OP, don't listen to this. Follow the suggestions that people posted above.